All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
1-22-01
Hmm.... I guess that plan to visit Kansas to pick up chicks wasn't such a good idea after all.
Look on the bright side. We can frolick in the vast fields of wheat.
Or...
...we could set them all on fire.

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
I like cheese.
Me too.

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
Dear Mr. Smith: Your popularity has reached an all-time low. Prepare for death by fire.
That's gonna hurt come winter.

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
So what's on the agenda for tonight, Pete? Another fun filled evening with Jergen's lotion and the latest issue of Maxim?
Not that it's any of your business, but I happen to have a hot date.
So you wanna be the horsey first, or you wanna try ridin' me?

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
What's your sign, baby?
Stop.
Damn baby. You with all them curves and me with no brakes.
Dream on, Orville Reddenbacher.
How'd you like to have breakfast tomorrow? Should I call you or just nudge you?
If by breakfast you mean subjecting you to anal probes, severe electrical shocks and brainwashing, sign me up.

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
Ok, my eyes are shut. I'm ready for my surprise!
Die, pathetic fleshling.
The task is complete, master.
Great. Did you pick up my dry cleaning like I asked?

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
So what are you in for?
Rampant slayings of pathetic fleshlings like yourself.
You want a Ho-Ho?

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
Rock.
Rock.
Damn... paper.
Scissors.
Bring me back some nachos.
Don't worry. You can destroy the next planet we find.

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
Nuthin' on this earth quite like being a cowboy.
Wide open spaces, fresh air, starry skies and all the peyote a man could want.
Luke... I am your father.

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
Hello class. I'm Professor Clango and this is Sociology 465, or as we like to call it 'Destruction of the Human Race'.
This isn't Remedial Potty Training?

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
Sir, I'm detective Sipowicz. Bystanders say you witnessed the entire event. Can you tell me exactly what happened?
Why shore, boy! That feller with the big mouth was whupping this feller dressed in black on the head with a bat. Then that donkey yonder started in on him.
Um...
I guess that's when them aliens and the feller on the cross set that van on fire. And them little Chinese girls was trashin the liquor store with them two robots.
Are you feeling well, sir?
Then things got really strange.

 

by gabe_billings
1-23-01
Good afternoon, ladies, and welcome to 'Self-Pleasuring 101'. I hope you all brought your scented lotions and marital aides.
Pssst... I forgot my stuff. Can you spare some lube?
All I could find at home was a three pound tub of Crisco. But you're welcome to it.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Have I got a fabulous night planned for us. My friend Stella is having a Pampered Chef party, then we'll go get manicures.
We'll have just enough time to squeeze in a high colonic before the ballet starts at 8:00.
These aren't the droids I'm looking for.
These aren't the droids you're looking for.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
It's from Tribune Media Services.
What's it say?
Mr. Rosenberg, We've decided to syndicate 'Goats'. Enclosed please find a check in the amount of $1,000,000.
Yahoo! I finally hit it big time!
P.S. Just kidding. You suck.
Well, at least there wasn't dog crap in this one.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Are you gonna put it on for me?
You know how I feel about wearing it.
Fine. No costume, no sex.
Oh, cripes. Have it your way.
That's what I'm talkin' about. C'mere stud!
I feel like an idiot.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Whew. I thought we'd never escape from that sandcrawler. Now we just have to find a way off this beastly planet.
Wrong answer, fatty. We roust the boys and head back there to kick some Jawa ass!
They made me mate with an iMac!
Pardon me sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put a cap in your ass.
Utinni!

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
First you take a run at LaFours with the sockful of quarters. I'd do it but I pulled my back out humpin' your mom last night. Neege.
You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure, Wolvie-berserk style...
...knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety-bam, the mother fucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.
When do I get to see that blonde chick's tits?

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
I didn't know there was such a thing as 'Siamese Robot Twins'.
Believe it fleshling. We are double the human killing potential of a single RKM4000 model.
You got that right my brother!
Quick, he's getting away! Move the right leg. No, the other right!
Idiot! We're losing him!
I'm outta here!

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
So what's on the agenda for today?
I'm not sure. Better check the schedule.
First we tar and feather the entire cast of 'Family Circus'. Then we shave Garfield. Finally we burn down Brenda Starr's house.
If we have time maybe we can swing by Rex Morgan's office and rip shit up.
We should do the thing with the nails again.
Yeah. That always scares the hell out of them.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
That gabe_billings fellow completely stole the idea for the 'Writer's Block' strip from Big Evil Dan.
We will exact revenge on this pathetic fleshling.
Fetch the Neuro-Whip and the man eating beetles! We will rend the skin from his bones!
Maybe we could just leave a flaming bag of poop on his doorstep.
SILENCE!

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Bah! You are this 'Satan' they speak of. You are still a pathetic fleshling. I am twice the evil you are.
You hear me? EVIL!
Wanna go grab some 40s of OE and hock loogies off the overpass?
Truly you are a man of great wisdom. It shall be done.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Howdy. You must be new around here. I'm Clango. Want to go get a latte?
I WILL REAVE YOUR SOUL, MORTAL, AND TORMENT YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY.
How 'bout a smoothie?

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
So what is the deal with Ovaltine? The jar isn't oval, it's round. They should call it Roundtine.
Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
This guy blows.
True dat.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Saw this one coming a mile away, didn't you?
Got that right.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Yeah.
Hey, you know how programmers put Easter Eggs into software programs?
God did the same thing with some of the animals. If you squeeze a badger just right, they fart out 'Battle Hymn of the Republic'.
No way.
Way.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Maura, you're only one man away from setting a new world's record for sex in a 24 hour period. How does it feel?
Well Rog, aside from the obvious chafing issues I'm ecstatic. I'm sure everyone who thought I was a slut in high school is feeling pretty stupid right now.
Well let's not waste any more time. Here comes magical number 2046.
Bring him on. I'm ready for some sweet, sweet lovin'.
Yo baby, yo baby, yo.
I give.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
Tooth-G, this frickin' John smacked me around, scratched my face and then didn't give me my fifty bucks.
That's some cold shit, babe. Ain't nobody be smackin' my bitches but the man Tooth-G his own damn self.
And ain't I told you dumb ass to get yoself yo Benjamins up front bitch? Shiiiit. Now I'm gonna hafta regulate this mofo.
WHAZZZUP NIGGGAZ!?!
Shit. Not you again.

 

by gabe_billings
1-24-01
What's up with this fucking invoice? I ordered Battle Droids! Not pantywaisted fagbots!
Would you like a cup of tea?
Would you like a cup of tea?
Would you like a cup of tea?
Would you like a cup of tea?
Would you like a cup of tea?

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
Sure is beautiful out here, Jeb. Turquoise skies, rolling hills as far as the eye can see and the smell of the country lingering in the air.
Makes a man lonsome for his lady friend, if you know what I mean.
For the last time, you're not having sex with me.

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
Some woman named Wendy called for you. She sounded pretty hot.
Yeah, she's a total babe. I met her at this rave a few weeks ago and she's been all over me ever since.
I had tickets to a concert tonight but she'll probably want to stay home and have wild hot monkey sex all night.
She said she was from Dr. Brewster's office. She asked me to remind you to keep using the ointment twice a day, and if the polyps start to bleed again to give them a call.
Thanks.

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
"In the left corner, at 3 feet 4 four inches tall and weighing in at 57 pounds, tonight's challenger, MicroBot! He's powered by an IBM 8088 processor and has a whopping 32K of memory."
I'm ready to rumble, Bob.
"And to the right, standing eight foot eight and weighing an impressive four metric tonnes, the heavyweight champion of the world, the Crusher! Powered by a SGI 3800 with 1TB of memory, he's one kick
Kill.
Shit.

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
Is it anything interesting?
It's from a woman named Lois, whom you apparently dated several years ago.
Hmm... Lois. Ah yes, she of the fateful 'elevator' incident.
It reads, 'Dear Charles, I'm sorry to spring this on you so suddenly, but I'm leaving for Nepal to become a Sherpa. You have a son. His name is Robbie and I'm sure he'll love living with you."
Oh shit.
Dad!

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
So hello, Robbie.
Wow, I finally get to meet my dad! You're nothing like Mom said.
Is that right?
She said you were a pantywaist loser drunk who couldn't hold down a job to save his life and wouldn't know romance if it bit him on the ass.
Well Robbie, the truth is your mom is a bit of a bitch.

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
I told you a 'Blow the Elephant' contest was a stupid idea.
Would you just drop it?

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
Nail in head stinging.
All your bases are mine, bitch.
Cross the road, Dizzak.

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
What's up?
Someone from Sweden sent me a letter, but I can't read it. You took a little in high school, didn't you?
Yeah, lemme look. Hmm... Hej och idag här från undrar. Nej, bygger en har jag gör det till Hajk ett brev. Bettan en puck och allt.
What's it say?
Either you won some money in the lottery or someone in Stockholm wants to talk to you in regards to your betrothal to a goat.
Ah.

 

by gabe_billings
1-25-01
d00dz! Chek owt my l33t skillz! I'm a stonE cold h4x0r.
Stop being stupid. You're not a hacker.
No shit, biznatch! I'm a badass muthafuckin' buster o' rhymes! I'll make some for you if you give me the time! True dat!
You're not a rapper, either.
But I don't think anyone will like me for who I really am.
I will, big boy. Let's go back to my place and I'll let you reformat my hard drive.

 

by gabe_billings
1-26-01
How about that joke you were gonna tell me?
Oh, yeah. So there's this hooker, a donkey and Satan, and they're out in the desert...
And?

 

by gabe_billings
1-26-01
I was told there was a wise old yogi that lived in these mountains who could help those who seek enlightenment.
This is true. The path lies behind me. But beware; the way is long and the truth may not always be what you seek. Go now, and seek out the yogi.
Oh yogi most wise, I have come from afar and walked many miles to seek out your wisdom. What is the meaning of life, O great one?
All your base are belong to us!!
'All your base are belong to us?' What the fuck does that mean?
How the hell should I know? Leave a man up alone in these hills his brain is likely to get a little dull.

 

by gabe_billings
1-26-01
Lonely robot man
Though I'm without heart or soul
I still get it on

 

by gabe_billings
1-26-01
Well Robbie, we've got the whole day ahead of us. What would you like to do?
Let's go to the zoo!
Daddy's been banned from the zoo due to an unfortunate incident involving one of the lions and some pepper spray. What else?
Why don't you pount that nail into your skull?
Robbie, just because that picture's there doesn't mean we have to use it. How 'bout I teach you to get drunk?
Yipee!

 

by gabe_billings
1-26-01
What's wrong dad?
Nothing much, son. I was just getting dinner ready and I felt a little faint.
Are you ok?
I think so. I feel woozy, I'm sweating quite a bit and the room is spinning. And I could be wrong, but I think I can smell color.
I hope this doesn't have anything to do with the antifreeze I mixed in with your orange juice.
Ah you little scamp, you. Do me a favor and go fetch Daddy's beating stick.

 

by gabe_billings
1-27-01
Sir! A man with a ski mask and a pistol just ran through here. Did you see which way he went?
That feller? Sure. He ran along down thataways.
Thank y...
No, wait. Come to think of it, I believe he was a headin' in that direction.
You've been a big help.
Don't know what you were expectin'. These days I'm lucky if I remember to put my pants on.

 

by gabe_billings
1-27-01
So if I like rub you then you have to give me three wishes, right?
That's a genie, dipshit.
Oh.
Do you mind if I rub you anyway?

 

by gabe_billings
1-27-01
All your base are belong to us!!1
CUT! What the fuck was that? Did you even read the script? Your line was, 'We've got to get out of here, Min Wa. The rest of the troops will arrive in any minute.'
Um, I didn't think that line was really right for this scene. I thought I'd just ad lib it.
Considering that your 'off-Broadway work' consisted of choking down cocks in Times Square, I'd stick to the script.
Ok.

 

by gabe_billings
1-28-01
This is stupid! I just don't get it. When am I going to have to swear in binary anyway?
Hey, you never know when some frisky auto plant assembly robot might decide to pinch your ass. Let's try it again.
0011011100101! 01101111001001!
Nice try, but you just asked for directions to the train station.
00101110010.
Hey hey! Now that's more like it!

 

by gabe_billings
1-28-01
What the hell are you doing?
Look at me! I'm Oscar the Grouch.
No you're not. You just crawled into the trash can.
No, I'm Oscar. Me and Snuffaluffagus hung out last night. We smoked some weed behind Hooper's store. I beat up Elmo and stole his lunch money. I went antiquing with Bert and Ernie.
You need help.
I got it on with Maria.

 

by gabe_billings
1-28-01
Ladies and gentleman, tonight I am going to attempt something I've never done before. This will take complete concentration on my part so I'm going to ask that you try to stay as quiet as possible.
I was taught this by a yogi in India. It requires clearing the mind of all thought and focusing everything on the inner self. I will draw upon my body's inner hidden powers.
How's this for some dope shit?

 

by gabe_billings
1-29-01
http://www.this.is.a.fake.url.whose.sole.purpose.is.to.make.the.strip.wider.com
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!
http://www.didn't.get.enough.in.the.first.panel.Well.then.we've.got.all.the.annoyance.you.need.right.here.com
http://www.is.this.fucker.ever.going.to.get.to.the.point.you're.thinking.The.answer.is.yes.and.here.it.is.com
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! All your base are belong to us.

 

by gabe_billings
1-30-01
Jon's usually ok, unless he gets in one of his 'depression moods'. Then he can get to be a real drag. And if he sinks too low, he can start abusing household chemicals.
That reminds me of the time he got the fourth rejection notice from Tribune. Man, did that ever push him over the edge. You've never seen anyone snort Lysol so fast.
We thought he was just going to pass out like usual, but he didn't. He tried to tell us that gravity had reversed itself and kept trying to do handstands so he wouldn't fall onto the ceiling.
That lasted about ten minutes. Then he stripped all his clothes off and started wrapping tin foil around his head.
Said it would stop the CIA spy rays from penetrating.
We're not sure about the nudity. Latent homosexuality if you ask me.

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