All comics by simplexmax

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by simplexmax
10-25-05
Friends will be there for you when you need them
You going out tonight Barry?
Uhh..the wife was hoping I would hang out at home Len.
and will understand when other commitments keep you away
You're kidding....right?
well...
Friends can be hard to find
Nevermind, where's the wife?
*gurgle**choke**gasp*

 
by simplexmax, 10-25-05

 

by simplexmax
10-26-05
Three men were arrested after breaking.......
In other news, an Indiana man discovered that laughter is actually not the best medicine. Joan?
............into cars and leaving Raider tickets......
Thanks Lynn. In Arkansas a strangely dressed man was seen assaulting a peaceful flame in front of his own house with some sort of strange gun. We'll be back in a few minutes.
Hmm..does it seem like this place has gone downhill since FOX bought us out?
I hadn't noticed

 

by simplexmax
10-31-05
Monday
Got any quackers?
No. You've come in here looking for crackers every day for a month. We don't sell to penguins! Don't ask again or I'll shove a bunch of grapes up your ass!
Tuesday
Got any gwapes?
What? No we don't have any freakin' grapes!
Tuesday
Good! You ah, got any quackers?
I quit

 

by simplexmax
11-01-05
Mr. Senator, where do you stand on abortion?
The left wing liberals of this country are changing America into a moral wasteland! We must stand against this act of evil!
Mr. Senator, the question was concerning abortion..
The religious right is thwarting the very constitution itself! Disregarding the seperation of church and state time and time again! Imposing their will! They must be stopped!
Left and right lose meaning when you're spinning
We must return to unilateralism as a way to unite the country, and we must put an end to womens sufferage!

 

by simplexmax
11-02-05
Knock knock...
Who's there?
KNOCK KNOCK!...
WHO'S THERE?!?
AAAUUGH!!!! YOU JUST REFUSE TO DO IT RIGHT, DON'T YOU?!?
Oh I get it, I'm supposed to say 'knock knock who?' right? Could you be any more lame?

 

by simplexmax
11-02-05
We try to teach children the right way to live...
Sister Maria, What causes lung disease?
Well young man, a life of loose women, gambling, and drinking will certainly do it.
but it's hard knowing what to say somtimes...
oh....
Why do you ask? Do you think you have lung disease?
Especially when the kids know more than we do!
No, but this blog says the Pope does!
Damn computers!

 

by simplexmax
11-06-05
And so the Forty Niners kick a field goal. That's their only score of the game, making it 42-3 here in the 4th quarter.....
**munch munch munch** I have a long standing tradition of eating a carrot each time the niners make a field goal.
Yeah? **munch munch**...What do you do when they score a touchdown?
Unbelievably, the San Francisco Forty Niners are actually punting on first down!
You know, it's never come up!

 

by simplexmax
11-09-05
I have travelled many miles to speak with you, master
What is it that you wish to know, my child?
.....
You forgot, didn't you?

 

by simplexmax
11-09-05
Just say no to violence and weopons of mass destruction!
Violence? What Violence? Do you see any violence. Nothing but trees and mother nature here!
uhh...say no to war and uh.....hatred
Hatred? No hatred here! In fact, I love you man!
OK, can I get a cab...or...
heh heh heh, Hey treehugger, how 'bout pulling your head outta your ass eh?

 

by simplexmax
11-09-05
Don't think of it like you're losing a daughter, think of it like you're gaining a ton!
Son.....I meant son....

 

by simplexmax
11-09-05
**munch munch munch** I have come from far away to ask you this question: What is the meaning of life?
The meaning of life is to experience, my child.
Oh....well....I guess I'll be going....OK, Bye now....
Damn, there goes another one...I've got to start holding back the good stuff so they stay a little longer!

 

by simplexmax
11-13-05
It takes alot of work
I hope I can get the car keys tonight!
and alot of forethought
I hope I can stay married for at least a year next time!
to become a confused little old man!
I hope I can figure out how to use this flippy lid thingy!

 

Ahem, due to recent downtrends in socio-economic developement as well as certain leveraged paradigm shifts, the light at the end of the tunnel will now be permanently turned off. Thank you.
by simplexmax, 11-13-05

 

by simplexmax
11-16-05
Hey Ted! How's it going! I thought you were coming with your new hot-blond girlfriend! I was looking forward to meeting her!
Well...that was the plan, until she called me on the phone...
she said she couldn't find her way because she was totally lost....in thought....
and it was place she had never been to before!

 

by simplexmax
11-16-05
I keep a stiff dose of sedatives on hand, just in case I happen to encounter a venemous snake....
which I also keep on hand!

 

So Seargent, how is the force feeling these days with the president's new law enforcement policies?
Sir! The men are extremely happy shooting the people who say that the people are not happy!
by simplexmax, 11-16-05

 

by simplexmax
11-16-05
So you see Jenny, you are a very unique person, just like everyone else.
But Bip, If I'm just like everyone else, how can I be unique?
Like I said twice before, I never repeat myself.

 

by simplexmax
11-16-05
So you see Mai-lee, you should never use a big word when a diminutive word will suffice.
Uhh, Mr. Bip? What does diminutive mean?
Nevermind. Don't eat with your mouth full.

 

by simplexmax
11-16-05
When asked why he had spit in the tips jar at a local restaurant, the man held up a sign reading: DYSLEXICS UNTIE!! Back to you Joan.
Thanks Lynn, The Merriam-Webster Corporation released an announcement indicating that there were several, if not thousands, of mis-spelled words in the Webster Dictionary....
"In fact," says Jaz Alhazir-el, New CEO of the Merriam-Webster Company and leader of the Iranian Domination Coaliton,"It's quite possible that all English words have been mis-spelled for centuries."

 

by simplexmax
11-22-05
MAN, THIS SUCKS!!!
What's up?
It hurts when I touch my left ear, my right arm, or either of my knees! What in the heck is going on here! AAUUGH! I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!!!
Hmmm....I'm no doctor but I think....
You have a broken finger.

 

Thought #1
I cant believe it! I made that boat and saved all the Earth's species!BOOYAH! I'M THE MAN!
by simplexmax, 11-22-05

 

Thought #2
hmm....you know..maybe I could've just left the fish where they were....
by simplexmax, 11-22-05

 

Thought #3
You know, I don't care what God said, I should've swatted them two damn mosquitos!
by simplexmax, 11-22-05

 

by simplexmax
11-23-05
OK, you've got it right? While you are keeping the six trolls busy fighting them, I'll go invisible and sneak around them. I'll find their sorcerer leader and banish him to another plane.
uhh....
What's wrong?
I lost my D20. Can I borrow yours?

 

by simplexmax
11-23-05
Hey babe, how YOU doin?
I shall smite you heavily upon your helm!!
I was thinkin....how bout a lube job after the show?
....and verily shall your consciousness cease to be!
we could check out my personal lubricant collection....
this is rediculous

 

by simplexmax
11-23-05
So you see, if I could just take one last crap in my life, one nice solid, good feeling crap, my life would be complete!
Well, I take a very nice crap every morning at about eight o'clock!
Unfortunately I can't get myself to wake up before eleven!

 

by simplexmax
11-23-05
Excuse me, how much for the dresses on the rack? I don't see any price tags.
Well, we offer volume discounts, so the more you buy the cheaper they are.
Great! Just keep loading them into my cart until they're free!

 

by simplexmax
11-23-05
OK, lets get this straight! There are those of you out there who think that the Irish are lucky....
Well I've got two words for you!
POTATO FAMINE!!!!

 

by simplexmax
8-22-06
So you see, nature has a way of counterbalancing all things. As the pendulum swings, all creatures, great or small, will one day arise to be their own masters...
Uhh....
Which is why you are gonna stop chasing me, right?
Uhh...I guess so
So you see, nature has a way of....balancing pendulums...and...
you are so dead

 

by simplexmax
6-19-07
So you see, nature has a way of counterbalancing all things. As the pendulum swings all creatures, great or small, will one day arise to be their own masters...
Uhh.....
Which is why you are gonna stop chasing me, right?
Uhh...I guess so
So you see, nature has a way of uhh....balancing pendulums...and...
You are soooo dead

 

by simplexmax
6-19-07
Have you tried making macros in Warcraft yet?
I've made a few macros, why?
They suck, they don't work at all!!
hmm what did you try to do?
I typed in: /make me rich and have all epic gear in the next 20 seconds.....nothing happened...
/cry

 

by simplexmax
6-26-07
Ok, so I wanna have a lil talk with you about last night.......
uhhh....ok, I noticed when we were having sex that you weren't having that much fun.....
Well...its hard to have fun when there's so much pain involved. We have to figure out why its hurting me so much
Hmmm..I know!!Next time I'll pick the scabs off before we do it!!
You are a sick, sick man
DOH! Hmm..I could jump out the window...or maybe yell fire, or...

 

by simplexmax
6-26-07
That is soooo wierd!!!
What's up?
Everytime I open the fridge I hear a voice say, "you are very handsome"
ohhh, thats just the jar of olives I got yesterday
they were complimentary

 

by simplexmax
6-26-07
Ok, just a few more kills........
Sometimes I wonder what its like outside these days
If I can just get that awesome sword.....
Does it seem like we are letting life pass us by?
Sweet!!!! Got it!!! Now, only 4,367,213 more boar kills till I hit level 70!!
awww nevermind, probably just my imagination

 

by simplexmax
6-26-07
Yay, Im a badass level 70
All epic gear, full protection Tank
Farmed Black Temple till there's nothing left for me there
Got my epic mounts and all my professions are maxed out!
.....
ok, level 1 orc..here we go....

 

Midsummer's night dream: The mother-in-law visit
by simplexmax, 7-03-07

 

by simplexmax
7-03-07
Oh great and wise Monk of the Mountain...I have a level 10 Priest on World of Warcraft. Should I put my talents in shadow, holy, or discipline?
That depends my son.....what is your account password?
uhhh...why would you need that?
In order to process your request correctly this conversation may be monitored...
You can buy 5000g for only $100!!!
Damn Monkbots

 

by simplexmax
7-03-07
Animals and aliens...it could happen!!!
So the humans took me to see some big doctor guy who promptly stuck something cold right up my ass!!!
Oh my!!!
And then this big doctor guy poked me several times with these sharp little needles!!!
That's it!!! The humans must learn!!! Fortunately I have friends.............
Time for your probing human!!!!

 

by simplexmax
7-03-07
Watch this Al, the stupid bastard will never know Im a rare species of vegetarian shark!!

 

by simplexmax
7-03-07
So you see little Johnny, the golden rule should state, treat others as they want to treat you
Oh boy!!! Yes sir!!!!
So you see Mr. ButKiss, now I know I should treat you as you want to treat me!!!
heh heh heh, ok, come into my room and we'll get started
Sweet, here's your 5 bucks

 

by simplexmax
7-03-07
So you see, moving our factories to East Asia will cut costs by 80%. All the major corporations are doing it
But we manufacture East asian unemployment documents
hmm...true...

 

by simplexmax
7-03-07
James, I just spoke with the big boss, he wants you to begin wiping all of the hard drives in the office. Be done by lunch time and dont bother him.
wipe all the hard drives?
Is that a problem James?
No sir Mr. Smith, No problem at all!
Wow, Mr. Smith made me wipe all the hard drives in the entire office just now!!
hmm....wasn't he fired yesterday?

 

by simplexmax
9-25-07
Not everything Blizzard does works: Like the new mobs in Scholomance
Hmmm...when did they add the KKK members?
I'm out

 

by simplexmax
3-25-08
And now the continuing saga..............
of a white bird and a brown bird.

 

by simplexmax
3-25-08
When demons do standup in Vegas to crowds of adoring fans.....
The day we finally realize that we really ARE in the Matrix.....
The day leading scientists reveal that the Earth actually is flat.....
That's when I'll take you back

 

If fish could visit an art museum
wtf...
by simplexmax, 1-12-09

 

by simplexmax
1-12-09
heehee
GODDAMMIT Just because you CAN make walls appear doesn't mean you HAVE TO every 10 freakin feet!!!
Allright, who let the idiot mage walk in front?

 

by simplexmax
1-12-09
Ok...I've been a penguin all my life right? Noone has EVER told me WHY I'm the only one to freeze my tail feathers off every winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHAT THE HELL!!!!!
Well...has it ever crossed your mind that in fact, you might not be a penguin like the rest of us? In fact, many of us believe that you may be a duck...
that's rediculous
oh really?
HAAHAA...you're simply jealous.....I told you, I'm the next penguin evolutionary step.....
-sigh- nevermind

 

by simplexmax
1-12-09
Dreaming is a trip..things are so wierd.
STAY AWAY!!!!
It all seems so real...so matter-of-fact,
Hold on...I can see you are scared...I know a good therapist...
and themes morph into each other......
I will let you use my body in any way you choose....
pleeeeze don't wake up now....

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