All comics by AudaciousMoose

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by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
I have no reason to live. I am the product of a lunatic's imagination.
I live on a bench next to a damn water cooler. I'm wearing a stupid Pac Man shirt. Who the fuck said I liked Pac Man?
And the author, that sadistic little bitch, just turned me into a damn squirrel in the middle of a white out.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
I was going to fix the kitchen cabinet with this hammer and nail.
But the author didn't think that would be very interesting.
What a bitch...

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Hello, I am Audacious Moose. I am the powerful entity that controls the helpless comic characters that I have created.
I am a complete megalomaniac. I am a complete control freak. But most of all, I am a complete asshole.
But truly, I'm just a cold and heartless bastard.
Some people have called me a "cunt ass bitch whore." I don't exactly know what that means, but I think it is something rude and offensive.
Some people have called me an "oppressive shit brain." I think that that has to do with the impossibility of fecal matter inside your head.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Do you want to buy some teeth from me? $2 for ten of'em.
I dunno...they look kinda low quality.
Only $5 for a cavity.
...
Why are cavities more expensive?
Look bitch, we either do the deal, no questions asked, or you find out where I get these teeth.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
So I was in bed with Aeris and Tifa last night, and they were doing the most perculiar positions. There was this one where you...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
You got me all excited...

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Man, Vincent, I hadn't even gotten to the good part yet!
Look, I can't help it!
You pervert!
SHUT UP FOUL BEING! YOU WILL FALL TO MY SUPREME DAEMONIC POWER!
You can't pull that one on me again, you horny beast.
Damn you...

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
So anyways...where were we? Oh yeah...so Aeris get's on top of me, and Tifa gets in this wierd fetal...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
You got me excited again!

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Man, I need to change back...Tell me about Tifa's shopping obsessions.
Nah, I think I like you in your menacing mouse form.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Oh shit...
You're gettin' it now.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
In a desperate attempt to ward off Vincent's attack, Cloud prepares Omnislash.
BAM!
BAM!
Cloud forgets that he is not in the video game world anymore... Guns, unfortunately for Cloud, are more efficient that swords.
I have a gun you dumbass...

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
There was a protest at the White House yesterday involving crazed Lord of the Rings' fans.
They were protesting housing developments taking the place of rainforests in South America...Take a look.
You will not take our forests! The ents will prevail!
We will not be under the oppression of Saruman any longer!
When the crowd of four violent protesters started attacking the gates of the White House with their plastic swords and wands, officials became frightened.
Within five minutes, the riot guard had arrived. Three of the protestors are in the hospital, while the other escaped on his horse that he had brought to the event.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
I was having a bad day. I had just been chased away from a kid's birthday party by a miniature dachshund. I ran into a dark and mysterious wood.
I was beginning to think I was hopelessly lost...
Aha! There's a hunter over there...maybe he knows how to get back to Detroit.
I started to walk over to him... That was my first mistake.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
When I woke up, I was in the hunter's living quarters. My arm hurt like hell, and there was a bandage around it.
What the hell just happened?
Well...I by accidently shot you.
You looked me right in the eye, then shot me. It wasn't an accident.
Well, I thought you were a hippie...
You tried to kill me because you thought I was a hippie?
No, I tried to disarm you.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
I wasn't carrying a weapon...
Then I was making sure that you could never carry a weapon again.
What do you have against hippies?
So you're defending them then?
No, I was just wondering why you hate hippies so much.
I know what you're trying to do, and I'm not falling for it. You and your hippie mind crap.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
What followed next was a dark room, two small chairs, a table, and five hours of interrogations.
Do you like the Greatful Dead?
Do you where tye-dyed clothes?
Have you ever been to a Jefersson Airplane concert?
Do you support casual drug use?
Do you ride around in a hand-painted VW minivan?
Did you enjoy Woodstock '69?

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
It was clear to him that I wasn't a hippie and we became friends. I found that he was named Oliver and he had lived out in the woods for 20 years looking out for hippies.
I hear there's a protest at the White House. Something about no abortion. This is hippie business...
You're pro abortion?
'Course I am. Look, I eat chicken eggs all the time. So how is a fetus any different then a chicken egg?
I'm not sure if comparing a fetus to a chicken egg is a valid way to argue pro abortion.
Anyways, I'm taking extra precautions. For all you know, that fetus could grow up to be a hippie.
You're sick...

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Why do we have to walk all the way from Detroit to Washington D.C.?
I don't have a car.
What about taking a bus or cab?
Now your goin' into that hippie crap again.
Taking a bus or cab has nothing to do with hippies!

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Damnit, where did Oliver go?
In his search for Oliver, Devin came across a suspicious character pointing a gun at him.
What the hell do you think you're doing in our territory.
What?
You heard me, clown boy. What do you think you're doing in the Crip's territory?

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Devin fought the urge to ask why a caucasian would be with the Crips.
Sorry, I didn't know this was the Crip's territory. I thought you guys were only in California.
We have a few colonies in Michigan.
Aren't you supposed to be wearing your gang colors?
We don't want the Bloods knowing we're down here.
Are you guys pansies or something? Is that gun even real?
Man, don't mess with me.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Let me get this straight. I'm talking to a white pansy Crip, threatening me with a plastic water gun?
Man, the second time this week!

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
There you are, Oliver! Where've you been?
What are you talking about? Haven't you been behind me the entire time?
No...I was stopped by this white Crip. He shot me, man!
Well, that seems to be the rage these days.
I don't think we're going to get anywhere near D.C. Might as well head back.
Yeah, those protesting hippies aren't worth my time.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Hello, I am a representative of Square-Enix, and have come to you on behalf of our new program: We Must Eradicate Our Loyal Fans. Would you answer a few questions please?
Sure...
Have you played many of Square-Enix's games?
Yeah, most of'em.
Have you liked the Final Fantasys previous to the tenth installment in the series?
Yeah, they were great games.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
Were you disapointed with FFX-2's weak plot, absent character development, and monotonous battle system?
Yeah, it was a real let down.
Final question: Are you a proud and loyal fan of Square-Enix and its games?
Of course!
Your execution will be scheduled for Wednesday of next week. Thank you for your time.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-13-04
So the end has come for this small world, Master?
Yes, the daemonic energy of hell has reigned terror across this world. Nothing stands in our path of destruction.
So there will no longer be any sacrifices? No worshippers? Nothing to experience the wrath of destruction? Is there even a need for Death or Hell?
Yes...what is your point, Grim?
I'm beginning to think this whole Apocalypse thing was a mistake.

 

by AudaciousMoose
6-14-04
Man, what happened to you?
Dark tanning spray gel...that's what happened to me.
I knew that striving for artificial perfection would only end in tragedy.
Well...there's no hope for me now. I tried bleach...and nail polish remover.
Well, what caused you to turn blue?
I have this hunch that it was the blue 1 and blue 2. I should have known that those chemicals weren't supposed to be in tanning spray.

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-10-04
The oppression of machinery will last no longer!
Let them be free!
It is safe to come out, electronic brethren!
Yes, come out and run free with the rest of us!
They don't seem to be coming out...
They're just a little shy.

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-13-04
And now we will watch as our contestants eat these shit-incrusted kangaroo intestines!
I thought MTV stood for Music Television...
Check this out! An Iraqi terrorist gets shot off of his bycicle after throwing bombs wrapped in newspaper onto people's porches!
CNN?
We have a special guest on Goosebumps today...Jason Voorhees!
Fox Kids?

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-13-04
Hey, Aldrin, you mind if I take the first step?
Fuck yeah. I'm not letting some stupid douche bag like yourself land first.
C'mon, let's be civil about this.
I don't want to be the miserable fuck who has to introduce himself as the man who took a step on the moon after the cunt who stepped out first.
Hey, how did Kennedy get on board with us?
Kennedy? What the fuck is he doing here?

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-13-04
Hey, I noticed your shirt the other day. You like Led Zeppelin?
Yeah, he's the coolest!
Hey, I'm wondering if you would like to play lead guitar for my band.
What makes you think I play guitar?
I noticed you have a skateboard. Can you do any tricks? An ollie or something?
Dude, I'm so good, I don't even have to know how to ollie.

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-21-04
So I was just mindin' my own business, right? Keepin' the eye on the larvae, when, all of a sudden, this obnoxiously bright light shines down on me.
Was it the Aliens?
Yeah. So they took me up into their spaceship, and, as if giving me the embarrassing nickname Emilo wasn't enough, they had to give me a--
Posterior examination!?
...
Those Earthlings disgust me.

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-21-04
They took our holidays...
Give me a box with a ribbon on it, stupid fat man!
They took our pets...
Speak, hairy human!
They took our children...
Silly midget, dance!

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-21-04
Aliens from another galaxy stumble upon the ancient civilization of Earth. They use an old thesaurus, and use it as their guide through the forgotten English language...
I have debunked a superannuated operandi of conveyance.
Supereminent scutwork!
Citations manifested in the alcove contrapositive to the straphanger's sector elucidates that this rubric of transmission was baptized a car.
The bourgeois presumptively christened this idiot box, or gimmick thingamajig, as a jalopy.
You are emphatically sagacious on the meat of verbalization and lingua franca.
It is hypothetical that you could subsist conjointly...if you obstructed exploiting colloquialism and vernacular.

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-23-04
And on the seventh day, God rested...
Zzzzzzzzzzz

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-23-04
So remember, I'm Ferdinand Kowaponksi.
And I am Frank N. Gumdrops.
Running for the office of Governor of Ooglthorp.
And the office of Lieutenant Governor.
And we are going to run those homos out of this state!
...and make Ooglthorp a...better place...

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-23-04
Ya know, you really embarrassed me back there. I didn't hear one word of encouragement or support from you during that entire speech.
I am an embarrassment to you? You called a member of the audience up on stage and used a metal detector to determine whether he was homosexual or not!
...
In fact, you called it your "Faggot Detector" and started hitting the poor man with it, screaming that he should learn not to "fuck other guys up the ass."
No one will ever know the motives of a drunk man...

 

by AudaciousMoose
12-23-04
I'm out, man. So far you have been entirely unprofessional and irresponsible. I'm just not willing to run with you.
Could you stop screaming for one second?
What?
My head is experiencing what can only be described as the internal equivalent of the Big Bang because of your infernal racket.
Another hangover? I'm fucking sick of this.
Shit! Are you completely oblivious to the noticable increase in the size of my head?

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