All comics by Blew_Crabs

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by Blew_Crabs
3-13-02
Remove from Hiding Place
Insert in Special Place
wrrrbrrrrwrrrbrrrr
Rinse and Return to Hiding Place. Repeat if Necessary.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-13-02
I exist on a foundation of falsehood.
I am no longer centered.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
pffffffffffffhuuhhh...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
phufffp
pffffffffffffhuuhhh...
I believe you have mastered how to huff Lysol. Can we land this jet now Captain?

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
In twenty years of war, Russian & American planes have just flown over without dropping one bomb, just like that one.
Allah shines on our town, indeed!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
KaPLOW, ker-PLOWAH!
k-pop.
*CLICK*
Freakin' amateur! Point me at the grassy knoll. That's where the shots came from... the GRASSY KNOLL!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
uhmm.. hey; it's supposed to be seven RED and SIX white.
Hummpf. Exclaiming "Great_Googly_Mooglie" would be egregiously referential at this moment, correct?

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
The Bronx
Harlem River
Washinton Heights
Una Starbucks® Caffè Americano, grande, por favor.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
Bee
hare
the eyes
of
March!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-14-02
Apply
Lather
wrrrbrrrrwrrrbrrrr
Rinse. Repeat as Necessary.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-15-02
Horatian Era
Your presence distinguishes the milieu of the brook.
Juvenalian Era
Generations will carry the legacy of your potent reek.
SarahSilvermanian Era
Try a fucking Listerine douche.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-15-02
"One simple mantra may help student to a purity meditative states."
mmmm. ...fuzzy bunny slippers, fuzzy...bunny...slippers...mmm...
"A mantra is option once student has advances to the lesson two."
mmmm...fuzzy...bunny, slipp-- AARRRRGGGH!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-15-02
Now that we have Louisville_Chicken's Near_Dozen_Spice_& Herb recipe, let's get down to naming our new product. Brainstorm, people! And come up with something ORIGINAL!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-17-02
The Administration has initiatited a hawkish publicity campaign and Dick Cheyney and Collin Powell are circulating in the Middle East to drum up a coalition to invade Iraq.
The pitch is that this is a propitious time to oust Sadam Hussein, a menace to humanity, because jingoism is high and the brutality of Islamic terrorism is at the media forefront.
Say, whadya doin'?
Must find sand. Must bury head. Must tell God to bless the USA.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-17-02
And what would the kids learn from you rednecks driving recklessly around in circles in cars painted like beer cans?
And what example would you all be setting with your green beer and you costumed drunks staggering down city streets?
And Rev. Billy Graham still fears the Jewish media?
Howabout that Rev. Al Sharpton; still suing your police?

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-17-02
"CUISINE"- Demi, Upper Eastside
Ooo... they have a glazed blueberry clafouti!
"BREAKFAST"-Mariott, Airport East
Ooo... they have blueberry danishes!
"BAR"-3rd Ave., East Villiage
Ooo... some hoochie blew Barry by the urinals!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-18-02
Premise: 1847, The Donners are wintering in the Sierra Nevadas.
We better get this Donner Party started right!
I'll get the finger food.
They head a family of sanguine prospectors, hankering for Riches.
Are you looking for the mother lode?
No, my wife, that is not my desire. I'm looking for Mother's LOBE.
Dozens of characters will pass through the Donners in a gest of campiness.
Rather than digging through fire and briquettes, just defrost some of Adam's ribs.
Must gain Mother's ear. Must say I relished her.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-18-02
Premise: 1995, Seattle. Courtney and Kurt live with filthy animals, plenty of horse and guitars.
Hey Fuckhead. Spin_and_Alternative_Press_say_that Dave is the pop sensibility and musical genius of Nirvana. Whatdahell, don't you know how to play in one key? What was the last hook you wrote?
The brain-fried blonde will prove to be sage in her absurd insight and warped observation.
Pearl Jam will probably outsell all of your albums by the end of the year. Shit..with_Billy_Corrigan_ghost_writing, Hole will surpass the critical acclaim of Nevermind. Be my arm candy for Grammys??
Kurt will complement this irony with his curious brand of physical comedy.
Goddamn, whadya doin'? Visiting Jimi's grave again?
... married... burried... yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeeeaaah...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-18-02
Premise: 2002. This comedy will set itself apart from the other shows. First, no attractive, whipsmart urbanites with neurotic dysfunction. Buhbye.
No protracted situations founded in misunderstanding. It will be devoid of sexual innuendo. Our non-Ivy writers will not lampoon sophistication.
Finally, the proposed show will have content and will NOT, repeat, will NOT be set in the New York Metro Area. Got it?
What the fuck are you talkin' about?

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-18-02
Premise: 2002. This comedy will set itself apart from the previous. First, no attractive, whipsmart urbanites with neurotic dysfunction. Buh-bye now.
No protracted situations founded in misunderstanding and it will be devoid of sexual innuendo. Our non-Ivy writers refuse to lampoon success.
Finally, the proposed show will have content and will NOT, repeat, will NOT be set in the New York Metro Area. Got it?
I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-18-02
Premise: 2002. This comedy will set itself apart from the previous. First, no attractive, whipsmart urbanites with neurotic dysfunction. Buh-bye now.
No protracted situations founded in misunderstanding and it will be devoid of sexual innuendo. Our non-Ivy writers will not lampoon success.
Finally, the proposed show will have content and will NOT, repeat, will NOT be set in the New York Metro Area. Got it?
My decency taskforce has no fuckin' clue.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-18-02
Premise: 1995, Seattle. Courtney and Kurt live with filthy animals, plenty of horse and guitars.
Hey Fuckhead. Spin_and_Alternative_Press_say_that Dave is the pop sensibility and musical genius of Nirvana. Whatdahell, don't you know how to play in one key? What was the last hook you wrote?
The brain-fried blonde will prove to be sage in her absurd insight and warped observation.
Pearl Jam will probably outsell all of your albums by the end of the year. Shit..with_Billy_Corrigan_ghost_writing, Hole will surpass the critical acclaim of Nevermind. Be my arm candy for Grammys??
Kurt will complement this irony with his curious brand of physical comedy.
Goddamn basket case, whadya doin'? Visiting Jimi's grave again?
... married... burried... yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeeeaaah...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-19-02
Revelations of Catholic mendacity on pedophile priests are rocking the foundation of the Church. "Virgins" issuing decrees on sexual conduct are using their power to abuse, thereby shattering lives.
The Archdioceses have paid a billion to perpetuate the cover-up. Parishoners are leaving in droves and critics are calling for drastic changes in Secular and Cardinal Law. Observers are cynical.
Say, whyarya burying your head again?
Must talk to God. Must pray Little Squirrel steps away from my behind.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-19-02
*Ow!*
*Urf!*

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-19-02
... and you can expect eight inches of the white stuff to make its way into Gary by late this evening ...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-19-02
Maw is getting some vacuum aspiration procedure.
I am not quite sure what it is, but I figure it sucks for us.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-20-02
What is this all aboout, eh?
Git yowah Yankeah tail on outta heeah! The Queen City don't wunt ye heah!
I am a Canadian guest and I would be remissed not tell you that the capitals of Saskatchewan and British Columbia are named for Queen Victoria.
Ohkea, ohkea, I'm leaving. Just don't come crying to me when the citizens of the Commenwealth of Nations click quickly past your cornpone strips.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-20-02
... after hovering for a time, a warm front will press on to the lower regions of Regina, making for a moist go of it at lunchtime...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-20-02
You are scads lucky that you represented Canada in a favourable light, Crabs. I was about to install a Mason-Dixon filter on my server.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-20-02
"Forwhat would zay haf an 'eh' and a 'beh' in the logo?"
"Thenwhat zhey play the baseball of exposition since tennine sixty seven."

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-21-02
... later this morning, I'm forecasting a thorough lashing of the tip of Long Island. Solidad O'Brian, you saucy pouta; Come on over and kneel your pretty brown knees in front of this blue screen...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-21-02
Enyce!
Sean Jean!
*FUBU!!!!*
YOU DARE TO INVOKE THE NAME OF CTHULHU-UHLUHTC FOR A TRIFLE OF A COMPETITION THAT IS STRIPCREATING!
DON'T EVER MESS WITH NUMBER '01'!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-22-02
Spring backwards... Fall forwards. Fall backwards...
Oh, hell. I haven't reset a clock since before Daylight Savings Time ended. I haven't even put on a watch since then.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-22-02
- --*IN UNISON*-- - Oh shit, I lost my ID. Hook up the Jaegermeister IV...
...Bad idea, yeah, you're probably right...
...But I won't be your designated driver tonight!..
... I'm on the wagon and on the town! I'm on the wagon and--
*wuPAH**wuPAH*wuPAH* Nein! Nein! Nein! Dummkopfs! Our patrons generously rented the hallowed Hall of Three Similar Curtain Scenes and you still foul up the lieder! Your lyric is all OFF! OFF! OFF!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-23-02
Erruh... pedophilia priest are very, very bad... I denounce.
*crickets* Down in the Square
Erruh... single bingo card holders are...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-23-02
*ozzzzzzie... ozzzzie...oi...oi...Oi. Oi!*
Y'know, Good Sandy and Bad Sandy are nice but I like Olivia in Xanadu the best.
*ozzzzie... ozzzz.. Oi! Oi! OI! Oi! Oi!*
Kylie Minogue is back! And I can't get her out of my mind. No, I can't get--
*ozz- Oi! Oi! OI!! OI!! OI!! OI!! OI!! OIIII!!!*
Natalie Imbruglia. Do-able nostrils.
Ladies... having trouble finding a shopping partner or an engaging lunch date? Try our new Ozzie Gaydar. This pocket-sized model will be sure to discern the mere ponces from_the_true_arse_bandits.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-23-02
I hate being tiny. I wanna be a Blue Whale, the humongousest creature of the planet!
Oh, please. They reproduce with a dork, they have a blow hole and they have no teeth! Ewww baleen, I'm sooo scared...
I'm scared.
This is our cast in life. We are an integral part of this ecosystem.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-23-02
Those Green Apple Martinis are all the rage! They take the "learning curve" out of acquiring a taste for the Martini.
Judging by the amount you are drinking, I'd say that they also help you deal with keeping pace with your materialistic Yuppie coterie.
Gawd, I miss the days of Strawberry Hill Boones Farm.
Yup. One bottle and I can tolerate an evening of your incessant name dropping.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-24-02
PS2!
X-Box
*earth rumbles*
ATARI 2600!
YOU DARE TO INVOKE THE NAME OF A NETHERWORLD BANDERSNATCH THAT CAN KICK IT OL' SKOOL?!
YO ASS IS GRASS, OFEY!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-24-02
You should be psyched that the whole country knows one of our songs!
Yeah, but from a Coors Light commercial?!
Hey G., did you really have lofty expectations for the lyric "I want cold beverage, here. I want cold beverage here?"
It's our subtle commentary on the excesses of young professionals here in the Mid-Atlantic.
Chicks dig the song's infectious groove and superficial charm.
Point taken. Let's sell more beer!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-24-02
The month of March is so underappreciated.
It's actually my favorite.
Me too. I like the weather swings and the awakening of plant life. Man, I haven't flown a kite in years. Let's do that!
If you must know, I am the treasurer of the Kill Devil Hills Kite Fighters. I fly several hours a week.
To Self: Be wary of "soaring ambition" in personal ads.
We'll scrap lunch and a matinee and go straight to the dunes.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-24-02
March 1990
I cheated all my way into Georgetown Law.
G.W. for me. It's noon. Let's hit the Bloody Mary bar.
March 1996
I charged 80 hours but only worked 65.
75 and 60 for me. It's noon. Let's hit the Bloody Mary bar.
March 2002
I hid years of White House recordings under a mound of Executive privilege.
Phantom Enron subsidiaries under byzantine tax code for me. It's noon...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-25-02
Call it beer goggles, but I just have to cradle those.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-25-02
So you accidently dumped the Ultramarine Blue Polysulfide of Sodium-Alumino-Silicate in the wrong vat. Don't fret... just dump it out and start a new yellow one.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-25-02
25 years ago, Man, I discovered a music that was simple, raw and full off emotion. I wish I could say that Punk remained pure...
... Nowadays, you can show angst by recording a formulaic 'fuck', instruments are replaced by turntables and most keys are stuck in 'G'... Where are the minor sevenths_and_diminished's?!
I sure miss Disco.
Play that funky music, White Dude.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
Halle Berry is but a token. Dame Judi Dench was robbed.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
Good news, Don Cirillo! I finally scored Producers tickets now that Lane and Broderick have stepped down.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
I can go two days on one tampon.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
Okay, eighteenth birthday. It's time to get some Hooch!
Wish granted, Bubble Boy. Your immunity system will fully develop by 2004.

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