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Sarcasm is your friend!

 

Hypocrit Justice by Fiscalchaos 7-22-12
I, Mitt Romney, as a religious man, promise to make Big Business weathier... repeal Healthcare... end Entitlement Programs like Foodstamps...and dismantle Social Security. HMMM... I chased the money changers from the temple... Healed the sick... Fed the multitudes... And Dude! Ever hear of Honor thy mother and thy Father?	*POOF* What a waste.	Bet he didn't see that coming!... Hope you have a nice room for him! Heh-Heh... Yep... It's wall-papered with posts from the Bill Brown Politics Facebook Page... He'll be a mindless, slobbering fool in no time... Not that that will be much different from before!

 

Damaged Goods by Fiscalchaos 7-22-12
I'm going to bed. G'nite everyone	*SPROINGG*.... *FLAP*.... *FLAP*....*FLAP*...*FLAP*... *CRASH!!!*	Grandma, just took her bra off... Your X-Box is toast. Forget the X-Box!... Make the visuals go away!!!... ARRRGH!

 

...NEVER A LENDER BE. by Fiscalchaos 7-22-12
*BRRAAAPPP* *POP* *POP* *POP*	*sniff, sniff*.... Geeze, did you just shit your pants?!? WOAH... No way Dude!!!... I just shit YOUR pants!	You SICK SON-OF-A......STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!!!!!

 

The Road Less Traveled by Fiscalchaos 7-23-12
Outside a Tea Party Rally..... Hey fellow Tea Partier!... You look lost.. No... I'm not part of your little group, I'm just passing by.	Well, that's just because no one has given you your opinion yet! Here, I have... Sarah Palin... Michelle Bachmann... Glen Beck... Paul Ryan... The Fox News Bundle Package.. No thanks... I prefere to form my own well informed opinions.	Here!!!..... Rush Limbaugh!!!... Now this is some old school shit here... And people wonder why Republicans are so screwed-up.

 

Knews by Fiscalchaos 7-23-12
Now for sports... Tim Tebow reported to the Jets training camp today. Tebow is widely cosidered the best new QB in the game today... For more here's Mac Rover. Thanks Skip!... I'm here at the Jets training facility where it has just been announced that Mark Sanchez will be the starting QB, exiling Tim Tebow to a back-up role.	*sigh* *?*	In other sports news... Coming off a sterling rookie season for the Carolina Panthers, Cam Newton, widely considered to be the best new QB in the game today, said.... This job is bullshit... TAXI !

 

The Road Least Traveled by Fiscalchaos 7-23-12
The Grand Canyon was created by the Great Flood... We will be protesting at the funerals of US soldiers on Wednesday... Have Timmy meet me in the rectory when Sunday School lets out. My fellow Americans, God hates Gays. Which means all Americans hate gays... Elect me President and I will build concentration camps to lock them all away and purge them from our great country!	Have you heard the word of GOD?... He is a vengeful GOD !.... Obey HIM or he will smite you with his Almighty FIST !!! Yes, I've heard the word... That's why I became an Athiest.	With Idiots like that on my team, it's no wonder people are abandoning me. Don't worry Pops, I still have faith in you !... Eat a couple Galaxies, it'll make you feel better !

 

Society Life by Fiscalchaos 7-23-12
I know you said there are no openings in the Society right now... But I have this Super-Vac that can clean up any dusty mess, no matter how big. ........* snicker *......... A Super-vac?........ Whoo-ha-ha-ha .... Sweet cheeks, you ain't gettin' into the Society of Super Type People with a Dustbuster!	Bwa-ha-ha-ha..... Did ypu hear that guys? A Super-va ... * sizzzzle * * poof *	OH!...Golly geeze guys, I'm SO sorry... Did I forget to mention the Heat Vision when I get pissed-off? UH...Yeah, you seem to have omitted that little tidbit.... On the bright side, an opening just became available. Welcome to the society!... Uh could you grab that Super-vac thingy you mentioned?

 

Socially Unacceptable by Fiscalchaos 7-23-12
WHOA ! That old lady just fell down those stairs! Yeah Dude !!!...Did you see how much air she got after that 6th step? Gnarley!	Asshole !! ...We need to go help her ! Check out the way she has her left leg wrapped around her waist like a belt !... And the stocking rolled down to her knee! Some awesome accessorizing happenin' there!	Douchebag ! I crack me up.

 

Faster than the eye by Fiscalchaos 7-23-12
I'm a Ninja dammit ! No, you're not a Ninja Marcie. And watch your mouth or I'll tell Mom.	Didja see that ! Didja? Didja see it? What?!?...Where?!?... I didn't see anything!!	Exactly.... I'm a Ninja dammit ! Mom....

 

inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
Whoa ! Back it up buddy !! What? You're a chair ! You're made to be sat on !	Yeah, but I saw what you had for lunch and there's no way I'm gonna let you pound those Burrito farts into my cushion! Fine, I'll use the Mens room first if it will make you any happier	* Heh heh * You sent the toilet a warning text?!?

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
I wish the guy would just lay off the Mexican food ! Tell me about it! Half of my keys are stuck with boogers and I don't even want to think about whats sticking the other half !	If only there were something we could do about it. I've got some ideas...Wanna help?	Really ?!!? You bought two dozen butt-plugs with my credit card ?!!? No, the bank records say you did... But it was Chair's idea. He's an evil genius you know.

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
Oh HELL no !!! ... I don't know what that big brown stain on the seat of his pants is, but I'm outta here !!!	* ZING * AAIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!! My spleen !!... By the gods, I hast been impaled !!!	Hey Skidmark! I see you found that missing letter opener... Two words Chair... Goodwill, tomorrow !

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
Schlip me shome tongue you big shexshy baboon ! *Slurp* Honestly lady, there's been a mistake... I am not a member of Date-A-Skank and I never E-mailed you.	Really guys?.. Did you scour the entire internet to find the biggest loser possible?... Is that all you can come up with? Nope... Only scoured the free sites... Seems those butt-plugs Chair ordered for you maxed-out your credit card.	He's gone... Quick, Try Gay-Geezers.com next ! I'm on it Chief!

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
I swear... For your birthday, we won't mess with you all day... What kind of furniture would we be if we went back on our solem word ?	Honest Injun Skippy!	Hey Pops!... There's some stiffs from the Pedophile Priest's Defense Fund at the door. They say you pledged a donation for $10,000 online but your credit card was declined. #@&% Inanimate S.O.B. !!!!!

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
So, I'm still here! No trip to the Goodwill... With his Credit Card maxed-out, Skidmark can't afford to replace me. I was worried about you for a minute there.	Here you go sir...Two dozen Chili-cheese dogs with extra onions and jalapenos... That will be $60.95. Leaping Lizards !!!! He wouldn't DARE !!	Mornin' Chair !... Guess what I have in the box ! ........* ULP !! *........ Do you think it's too late to order a slip cover P.C.? Dammit P.C. ! You best not have logged yourself out ! COWARD!

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
Go ahead and bail on me P.C.... I'll handle this chili-cheese dog bloated numbnuts by my self !	* ZING * Damn you Chair !!!... Help ! I've fallen and I can't get up!	* Vroooom * WoooHoooooo.... Speed Bump !! YeeeHaaaaaaa

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
I can't believe I ran over Skidmark and killed him !... It was an accident !... Self defense !... A joke gone horribly wrong ! I know... I think I feel a tear welling up in my monitor.... Nah, it's just my cursor.	Wait, wasn't he one of those Undead, Walking meatsuit thingys? Uh.. Chair ?... Look behind you.	EEEEEEEEK

 

Inanimate s.o.b. by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
........* chirp *.......... .........* chirp *........... ..........* chirp *...........	Yep... I did it, broke up the group, sealed Chair in the basement... Go ahead, call me the Yoko Ono of bad comics... Fact is, it was going nowhere fast... just plain silly!	It's hard to believe you're P.C.'s Great-Grandpa !!.... Obviously his intelligence didn't come from your side of the family.

 

Office Hygiene by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
* whoosh * Yeeee-Haaaaa	Whooo-Hoooo * whoosh*	* whoosh * Earwax !

 

Innocence lost by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
Can you describe your attacker Sister? He was about 6'1"... chiseled jaw ... deep blue eyes... thick wavy blonde hair... VERY Brad Pitt-ish.	I am so sorry Father! I was walking back from the Orphanage... He... He pulled me into an alley and... had his way with me. None of this is your fault my child. He was obviously a man lost and in pain. Let's pray for his soul... Forgive him Lord, he knows not what he did....	Oh, He knew what he was doing.... Damn did know!... Wish I would have gotten his digits ! Surely she knows I can hear her thoughts !

 

Swing Low by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
*FLAP, FLAP, FLAP* I think we're getting a flat tire !	Nah !... The tires fine, just keep driving. *FLAP, FLAP, FLAP*	Then what the HELL is that "flapping" sound ? Grandma's flashing her tits at College guys out the back window.

 

Swing Low by Fiscalchaos 7-24-12
Grandma's flashing her tits out the back window ? GEEZUS !... Get her back in and pull her dress down. Nah ... Let her have some fun, she ain't hurting anyone.	Uh... Dude... I think maybe you should pull over..... Like NOW !	What ? ... Why ? ... What happened ?!? I think Grandmas tits are wrapped around the rear axel.

 

Blue hair expressway. by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
Ma'am, you ran that red light back there. Oh dear me !... Well I promise next time I will stop twice.	And when you stopped at this stop sign, you sat there for 5 minutes. I was waiting for it to turn green... But it was taking sooo long. I fear it may be broken.	I'm sorry Ma'am, I'm going to need to see your drivers license. Oh you sweet, sweet boy... They took that away from me years ago, silly!... Be a dear and have a word with them about that. Could you do that for me?

 

History lesson by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
France, 1945 Okay, we've kicked the Nazi's asses and run them from your country. Merci brave American, Merci beaucoup !	Mon Dieu !!! The squirrels, they are attacking !!!... Flee fellow Frenchmen, FLEE!!	How do they manage to stand erect without a spine? You should see what happens when the pigeons fly in formation !

 

Where no man has gone... by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
Two to beam up Scotty ! And hurry you drunken Scottish moron !!!... I can't hold these Klingons off much longer !	Errr... I think he heard you Captain YA THINK !!!	Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, Not a plumber... Shut-up or I'm Kicking your ass Bones.

 

Where no man has gone... by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
Captain, Before I use this portable tractor-beam to extract you, the crew has a couple requests they wish for you to consider. Like WHAT !!!	First, you promise not to jettison Scotty into a Black-hole... Second, you attend some anger management classes. SPOCK !!... Just get a lock on me and pull me out of here before I tie those pointy ears in a bow at the back of your head !!!	Jim, you do realize, if I flush, you become space-debris, correct? * SIGH *

 

Starvin' Marvin by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
Brains.... I want Brains.... It's nice to meet a guy who's not like... all about sex	.....and he's really sensitive... he says he likes me for my mind. Nikki... He's a Zombie... There's nothing he would love more than to EAT you !	Wow, what a dreamboat... Most Guys I meet, don't even consider Foreplay ! That's gonna be one disappointed Zombie .

 

If I Had Been Around For : by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
CC552ish: Cats (singing) "The gurls all get better lookin * urp * closin time"... Well hello there Sugar-drawers !!... Say, hows about we go back to my place and... * HIC * ( ? )	Next morn... Whoa... That song just took on a whole new meaning. I've got to start hanging around a better class of Alley

 

If I Had Been Around For: by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
CC558: Horrible Family Secrets Private ! Where's your Combat Helmet ?!? Do I have to wear it Sarge?.. I mean... I know there's budget cuts and all... But it's too small and smells like sour milk and roadkill !	Nurse, who's been in this Morgue ? All the women have had their breasts removed ! Well... There WAS a guy from the Pentagon... He said something about ... " Budget Cuts and Supplementing Inventory."

 

If I Had Been Around For : by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
CC557 : Finger Uncle Sam There are some back in the States, me included, who feel you guys are just a bunch of ignorant, snot-nosed fools, marching off to die like a bunch of lemmings. I joined the Military to serve the nation I love instead of hiding in mommy and daddy's basement whining like a little Commie Bitch !!... Now I suggest you step off before I curb-stomp your punk ass.	Martz, get rid of that microphone... Burke, smear some shit on his face so he looks more like a Towel-head... Jones, use his T-shirt to make a turban... Good job men !! OK guys, help me toss him in that pile over there with the rest of the dead, Anti-American Muslim scum!	NOTE : The American Anthem has been playing before sporting events since long before most of you Pablum puking little PUSSIES were born !!..... Signed, ...A PROUD U.S. Army Veteran

 

If I Had Been Around For : by Fiscalchaos 7-25-12
CC500 : IRS and the Audit Hello Ma'am. I'm from the I.R.S. and it seems we have detected some MAJOR errors on you last tax return. Oh dear ! But my Social Security check is only $800 each month !	Then how do explain your recent purchase of... A house in Malibu... A condo in Venice Beach... 2 Bentleys and a Lambo ? Dammit edoggydog, you freakin' r-tard... I TOLD you we had to claim the income from my Webcam Porn site !

 

So Banned by Fiscalchaos 7-26-12
Whoa... Fiscalchaos called us "Commie Bitches" and "Pablum puking pussies" Yeah, just because we hate war... Quick-scope... Collateral Double Killl !!!...I am da shit Dude !	Who does this guy think he is, judging us !! I hear he's some old Dude, like in his 50's. Probably has "Old Timers"... Semtex Stuck!... Ka-blaam!!... Take yer jumpin ass back to Halo !	And what the hell is "PABLUM" anyway ! I think it's that stuff you puked that time you went down on Judy and discovered you were getting sloppy seconds.

 

Tree-hugger Gone Wild by Fiscalchaos 7-26-12
Dude quit staring at me like that, you're seriously creeping me out ! Heh-Heh	Really, I mean it ! Red Squirrels are an endangered species !! You'll get in trouble if you eat me ! * Drool *	Fines in the thousands of dollars... think about it ! Actually , I was thinking of helping you INCREASE the population... I bet that tail tickles.

 

Eye of the Beholder by Fiscalchaos 7-26-12
This Polynesian sculpture is hypotizing. Darkly inspired by an ancient war-like people.	It stirs emotions both frightening and sensual... Yet somehow it somehow it seems eerily familiar... What do you think dear?	Don't seem familiar to me at all. Never-mind

 

Makes Scents by Fiscalchaos 7-26-12
Lilacs and Mint	After an awful auto accident, Leonard was left blind and confined to a wheelchair... Lemon and Vinegar... very organic	After years sitting at waist level with a heightened sense of smell, Leonard be came a connoisseur of what he calls the ..."Panty Potpourri" Beef Jerky with a hint of Terriyaki

 

Makes Scents by Fiscalchaos 7-26-12
! ?	It's disgusting how animals are constantly sniffing each others genitalia. No doubt !	?!? Lobster Bisque with a Lemon-Butter sauce

 

Makes Scents by Fiscalchaos 7-26-12
My friend Leonard over there is blind. But his other senses are heightened so much, he can describe a vagina by the smell. How oddly fascinating ! I simply must see this for myself.	Derrick told me about your talent Leonard... What do you think? * Sniff-sniff *	He had better say "Summers-Eve " I think the fat guy behind me needs to learn how to wipe his ass better ! *URK* *GAG*

 

Makes Scents by Fiscalchaos 7-26-12
Leonard is a hit, ALL the chicks in the bar want a "Panty Potpouri" reading... I don't usually do things like this. Rain and honeysuckle	Me Next Apples and cinnamon... and.... recent masturbation	I'm up skippy... just try to ignore the obvious yeast infection. Dear GOD... NOOO!

 

Un-True Calling by Fiscalchaos 7-27-12
Suicide Help-line... My parents are getting divorced and I feel like it's all my fault... I wanna die.	Oh, sweetie, No...These things happen, sometimes parents jus grow apart... It's not your fault. You're right, I feel much better... Thank you so much for your help !	You're welcome dear... And remember... It would take one of those God-awful GOTH kids to depress their parents enough to cause divorce... Bye-bye Hun... *click* (SIGH)

 

Un-True Calling by Fiscalchaos 7-27-12
Suicide Help-Line... I work for my Father and ...uh... *sigh*	I understand... You disagree with your Father, You dislike your Co-workers, you hate your job and you want to die... Very common. No no... My Father is very wise, the 12 guys I work with adore me, I love my job helping others and I DON"T want to die !	See there ?... You figured it out for yourself... Just follow your Fathers advice and all will be well... Thank you for calling...Bye-bye Hun.... *click* I know Dad, I know... You told me so...

 

Un-True Calling by Fiscalchaos 7-28-12
Suicide Help-Line... Every night.... That same old flame.... I can't take it anymore !	AHHH yes... The "Old Flame" SO beautiful... Hypnotizing... beaconing..... calling me like a sweet siren...	How sweet, sounds to me like theres still a spark there... instead of giving up, go to your old flame. All will be well.. Thank You for calling Hun... Bye-bye... *click* Bad idea........... *PFFFFFT*

 

Un-True Calling

Suicide Help-Line... Just wanted to say... Keep up the good work.

by Fiscalchaos, 7-28-12

 

History One-Oh-Hunh? by Fiscalchaos 7-29-12
It is an honor to have you speak to our College students Mr. Revere. Perhaps you could give us your own personal account of your famous "Midnight Ride." The honor is mine... Although I am suprised that tale has endured for more than 200 years.	While the women were at Betsy Ross' sewing circle, George, Ben and I... Along with a few serving wenches from the Iron Rooster... were at Ol' Tom Jefferson's house getting randy...... .... When our Flagons began running dry... I had decided to run home and fetch a couple more casks of Ale... when I spied the women leaving Miss Ross' house early...	Umm... Sir... I'm sure this is a fine tale... But I was refering to when your rode through the streets to warn the Minutemen, crying, "The Brittish are coming." Actually, what I was saying was... "The Bitches are coming!" ....But if your version works for you...

 

History One-Oh-Hunh? by Fiscalchaos 7-29-12
So that's where we stand today Mr. Lincoln. So it took 100 years to come up with a Civil Rights Act... But now you have a Negro President	Actually, Sir, we no longer refer to them as Negroes... The prefered term is "African-Americans" Yes, I see... That does have a much more pleasant tone.	So... Wanna go see a show? I'll Pass... Theaters make me nervous.

 

Party DOWN !!! by Fiscalchaos 7-31-12
Tea Party (Kids) Would you like some more tea dear? Why yes darling, and another of those wonderful cookies please.	Tea Party (Adult) It's so hard to find good help these days Don't I know, on the yacht yesterday, Maria spilled champaign and caviar all over my designer bathing suit!	Tea Party (Republican) I heard Obama was genetically engineered in Iran with genes from Bin Laden, Arrafat and Amin ! I heard he trained Muslim fleas to invade Sarah Palin's panties and drive her insane !

 

I am the Walrus.. by Fiscalchaos 8-03-12
Lisa said she would go out with me if I could find a date for her cousin ! You need a wingman ? ...Bro... Just call me "Goose"	Um... Yeah... I called Lisa's cousin... This date ain't gonna happen Dude Why ?... What did she say ? And what happened to "Just call me Goose" ?	She answered the phone by saying "Ker Ker Ker-Choo" Lisa did mention she liked fish.

 

For Every Action... by Fiscalchaos 8-03-12
So... You're a Genie and because of cutbacks, I only get one wish... What do most people wish for ? Surprisingly, it's not wealth... Most ask for a Super Power !	So... Now I am faster than a speeding bullet... That old Woman is about to step in front of a speeding bus !!! * WOOSH *.... *Sonic-BOOM*	Note to self... Never try to pick a person up at Hyper-speed!

 

Need more views ! by Fiscalchaos 8-04-12
I don't get it ! My comics have set-up, continuity between panels, actual punch lines... But I get no views and I'm rated only 3 stars! That's your problem... continuity ! Be more random, more obscure... and use plenty of Fart, Shit and Child Molestation references !	So he submits a new comic strip... With one mighty FART, I will blast you with my cosmic dingleberries and make you my nubile, young, PRE-TEEN SEX SLAVE ! Will you pay me three farthings for a lump of SHIT?	What the....? They love it ! Dozens of comments loving that mindless crap !! You do realize most of them are like 12 years old, right ?... And why am I suddenly a Duck ?

 

Little Blue Pill by Fiscalchaos 8-09-12
Advanced Biology Which brings us to the Argonaut, A small species of octopus.	Tha Argonaut male upon finding a female it wishes to mate with, detaches its penis, which then swims, on its own, to the female and completes the mating ritual.	Honey, when we're finished, could you grab me a beer ? The Ball game is going into overtime ! We would be done already if you had skipped the Viagra !

 

My Last Comic by Fiscalchaos 8-17-12
Some scrotum muncher called Brycekain rated me 1 star ! Wow ! He must be an ultra-intectual with impeccable social insight and unparalelled comedic percipience !	Nah, just some basement dwelling parasite who used daddys Pay-Pal account, funded by mommies stripper tips, to make a "Donation" so he could play paper god. You mean people actually PAY to be able to rate other peoples comics?!?	Yep ! The site is fun, but I wouldn't waste a subway token on it... Here's one of Brycekain's best submissions. Let me see, it must have some merits... Nope nothing there unless mindless is a prerequisite !

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