All comics by JonJonB

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by JonJonB
7-25-02
IFGFJGFDISGJD!!!!
OMFG! A tentacle monster!! Mommy said this would happen one day!!!
SDIFJHNDSFJ!!!!
DO ME, MR. TENTACLE MONSTER! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, RAM YOURSELF INTO EVERY ONE OF MY ORIFICES!! DO ME NOW!!
Why is she looking at me like that...?
YES! JUST LIKE THAT! OMG YES YES YES!!!!

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
Hahahaha! All I had to do was diss people for no reason and now I am a god! Everyone bows down to FUNKYBACON!!!
...who am I kidding?
Looks like you're writing a suicide note! Office Asisstant can help you with that!
goodbye cruel world...

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
You ok up there?
I can't feel my legs...
Well, to be honest you kinda brought it on yourself..
Larry dared me to do it...
Let this be a lesson.
"I'm Spartacus!" Man am I fucking sorry I said that now...

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
Look, I'd love to help you, Jesus, I really would. If you could just give me the security code for the gates of heaven...
Only if you PROMISE not to send your legions of minions up into heaven to wage war against my dad.
I...I...promise...*hehehe*
Ok...7732588224224
Woohoo! Universal domination here I come, baby!!!
..you're such a fucking bitch, Satan..

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
Lance, I...I don't think we should hang out together anymore. I'm just not comfortable with the gay thing.
But Thtuart...I thought you were...I mean, the mouthtache, and the cat! You mean you're not..?
No! God, no, I'm not a queer!
I'm thorry! Man, I am so THTUPID! I'm really thorry.
Well, I'm sorry if unintentionally misled you. I should..go now...
Yeah..me too, we're having another parade thoon...I get to rid the big penith float! Well bye...

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
What would appear to be the problem at hand, officer of the law?
Sir, you're under arrest for being a stuck-up English asshole.
You can't be serious, my good man! Why, in all my years of being English and stuck-up, I've never met someone with such a blatant lack of manners or personal hygene. I am completely shocked by this!
..uh-huh, this must be your first time in the states.
Well, I tell you, I'll be getting right on the phone to the ol' Queen to talk about this one, it's a national outrage!
Just get in the car, sir.

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
How can I help you, my son?
Father...I think I might be Gay.
Well, you have the moustache..and the cat. Ineed, my son, I think you may be queer material. The power of Christ compels you to get the hell out of my Church.
Right...of course...I'll just go kill myself then.
Ooh, a faggot AND suicidal? You'll be sucking your sausages in hell from now on, hehehe.
;_;

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
***Joins: ELMYRA (343@gheyisp.com)
***Parts: ELMYRA (343@gheyisp.com)
O_o;;
***Joins: ELMYRA (343@gheyisp.com)
ELMYRA IS BACK
Right... o_o

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
Let's remodulate the fgjfijhdfijh so we can reroute the digjfgj to the doujgknfjhn. That should buy us enough time to sidhtkgj the gjnfdgjnfdgj.
Well, ok, but we must work quickly, before the dfyigjfidgj collapses.
Wow, we successfully saved the universe from fghfdg with just a tenth of a second to spare. I sure didn't see THAT coming.
The captain (who is incidentally a hermaphrodite, because political correctness commands it) will be pleased with our heroic efforts.
WTF? Star Trek is really beginning to suck ass...

 

by JonJonB
7-25-02
Steve Irwin has found a rare Bomb creature native to Australia...
Now this is a rare little beauty alright, really poisonous too!
Detonation in 10...9...8...7...6..
Yer alright mate, yer alright, I'm not gonna hurt ya! Yeah, yer alright mate!
5...4...3...2...1
CRIKEY! He's a jumpy little fella!

 

by JonJonB
7-26-02
Hmm..."All you have to do is put the nail in the wall and hang up the picture"
I'm a phone.
That's not too tough...
Still a phone.
AHHH SWEET JESUS IN HEAVEN MARY MOTHER OF GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!
Now I'm a pimp-daddy! Hoo-ha!

 

by JonJonB
8-02-02
Sir, you're under arrest for being a sick, sick paedophile.
You can't be serious! I'm a priest for christ's sake!
Well, we found a hidden camera in the confession box..
That doesn't prove anything...god just likes to watch confession on tape later!
..as well as a trail of candy bars leading to confession.
....shit

 

by JonJonB
10-13-02
Presenting...the weird asian girls!
.......
.......
COCK!
TITS!

 

by JonJonB
10-13-02
So, what was your favorite part?
I can't let him know how much I hated Kingdom Hearts...
I AM A FAG!

 

by JonJonB
10-13-02
goddamn this is sweet
xX-CutieHotGal-Xx: I am a hot blonde chick with big boobs and a sweet snatch
Ooohhhh yeahhhhh
xX-CutieHotGal-Xx: Cum round to my place for some HOT SEX
Coolguy232: I'll be right there!
I'm gonna get me some tight young ass tonight!

 

by JonJonB
10-13-02
The magic of the internet...
YES! ELMYRA RULES THE WORLD!!!!
The harsh reality
People fear me!!
One day it'll happen...
Vincent Hogg, you're under arrest for being an uber fagit.
I JUST SHIT IN MY PANTS! :D

 

by JonJonB
10-13-02
Hey kid, you wanna be in my gang?
Um no, who the hell are you?
I'm the leader of the gang.
You're a goddamn paedophile!
....I'll give you candy if you look into my pants
You sick fuck.

 

by JonJonB
10-14-02
And now, here he is...Jerry Seinfeld!
Hey, so ya know, uh eh ah, like, hehe, what's the deal, hehe, uh, ah, what's the deal with airplane food?
What the hell are you talking about?!
Haha, uh, eh, so, ya know, when you're, hehe uh ah, um eh, when you're shopping for macaroni...
SHUT UP! FAG!

 

by JonJonB
10-14-02
Internet cooldudes always have to satisfy their craving..
BRB GUYS I HAVE TO GO SMOKE A CIGARETTE CUZ IM COOL - IF ANYONE ASKS FOR ME TELL THEM IM AWAY HAVING A SMOKE
Internet cooldudes get all the chicks
OMG YOU GUYS I JUST SCREWED FIVE OF HOTTEST GIRLS YOUVE EVER SEEN, I FUCKED THEM GOOD, ALL AT THE SAME TIME
Internet cooldudes need to make public their music tastes...
mp³(SUPAR L33T BATTLE SCENE #3434 - DRAGON BALL Z SOUNDTRACK) (04m32s@348kbps[5.5mb])

 

by JonJonB
3-15-03
Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a baby from a burning house?
No, wait...it was a Buddha statue. Oh well, it fooled the mom until I got away from the scene.

 

by JonJonB
3-15-03
Internet cooldudes can kick your ass...they just don't want to, right now.
BITCH UR SO FUCKIN LUCKY I DON'T KNOW U IRL, ID KICK UR ASS FROM HERE TO THE OTAKU CONVENTION
Internet cooldudes know true pain and angst.
My dog just died...so did my sister. The girl I love is dating some JOCK. The native american mafia cut off my legs... I'm so depressed, sometimes I wanna just kill myself...
Internet cooldudes know Japanese, because Japanese is COOL.
DOMO ARIGATO MR ROBOTO, KONICHIWA, KAWAIIIII~~

 

by JonJonB
3-15-03
I kissed my girlfriend for the first time last night, at the cemetary. But I think her dad saw us.
How was I supposed to know they lived there?

 

by JonJonB
3-15-03
Yay, look upon me and love me, child. What heavenly wisdom do you seek?
Mr. Jesus, sir, if we humans evolved from primates, then why does the bible say God created Adam as the first man?
You're SO going to hell, non-believer.

 

by JonJonB
3-15-03
I couldn't take my dog into the store, yesterday, so I had to leave him tied up outside while I shopped.
Turns out buses only stay parked for a little while.

 

by JonJonB
3-15-03
Apparently Saddam Hussein has Weapons of Mass Destruction, and could kill us all at any time.
And here was me thinking he seemed like such a nice guy in "The Odd Couple".

 

by JonJonB
3-16-03
I stayed out in the woods last night. I had to start a camp-fire to keep warm.
I'm pretty sure none of the children made it out alive.

 

by JonJonB
3-16-03
Father Kilpatrick, what's the most important of all the commandments?
"Thou shalt lick thy local priest's balls every Sunday"

 

by JonJonB
3-17-03
I'm going on holiday soon. I love airplanes.
One thing though...that "Emergency Exit - do not open" sign has always interested me. I wonder what would happen if I...
JESUS CHRIST HEEEEEEEEELP
Ah.

 

by JonJonB
3-17-03
I was in an...unfortunate airplane accident recently. There were plenty of parachutes on hand, though.
Just enough to save me and all the minature booze bottles I stole.

 

by JonJonB
3-17-03
My house is so small. There isn't enough room to swing a dead cat.
I'll try a gerbil tomorrow.

 

by JonJonB
3-17-03
I've been banned from driving for a year now, ever since I ran over a cyclist. He eventually died.
It's true what they say, third time really is the charm.

 

by JonJonB
3-17-03
Tentacle-gram from "Mike hunt"
Would you prefer I not sing the song?

 

by JonJonB
3-18-03
Jesus? Is that you? I've travelled many thousands of miles to have you heal my blindness!
Yeah, Jesus moved away about a month ago.

 

by JonJonB
3-18-03
Good day sir. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?
DAD! Get me my gun!

 

by JonJonB
4-05-03
You seek knowledge, my son. I am all knowing, all present and all powerful. Ask and I will answer.
Ok...Dad, how are babies made?
YOU DIRTY LITTLE SHIT

 

by JonJonB
4-05-03
I saw a guy commit suicide yesterday. Jumped right off a building.
Bastard didn't even do a flip.

 

by JonJonB
4-05-03
I just got back from seeing "xXx". I want my damn money back.
I was wondering why it wasn't R rated.

 

by JonJonB
4-07-03
Ladies and Gentlemen, President Bush and his translator...
Iraqiland has been libiberatored. Saddan is eggstink, like the doodoo.
Iraq has been liberated. Saddam is dead.
Now we're goin after those basturd frenchies. They done fucked us over and now theys gonna pay.
Our next target is France. Their betrayal will not be tolerated.
I'd like to thank Toby Blair for his unwafering support. He provided many human shields to protect our tanks and planes.
...thanks a bunch, Britain.

 

by JonJonB
4-09-03
Jesus, is that you? The man in your old house told me to come to Blazlakistania, to this address. I need my blindness healed!
What the hell, kid, I'm not Jesus, I'm Gary Glit...how old are you?
Fifteen.
Come right in! I, Jesus, will heal you of your blindness with my uh...magic...blindness healing ritual!
The ritual dictates you must take your pants off.

 

by JonJonB
5-28-03
Yo yo yo mah nigga, wassup on da west-side brotha?
...I'm sorry, are you addressing me with that unintelligable dialect?
Um, no...sorry, my mistake. I'll go away now.
Alright then, good day sir.
Fuckin cracka came this close to havin me pop a cap in his lily white ass.

 

by JonJonB
5-28-03
Internet attention-seekers have their priorities in a strange order.
HOLY SHIT DUDE A DOG JUST BIT OFF MY FACE! OH MY GOD IT HURTS SOOOOOO MUCH
How many gangsta niggaz do you know that sit at their PC and tell random strangers of their exploits?
Man this little punk cracka was dissin mah girl so I popped two in his ass and dumped his body in the lake -- BIATCH.
Internet attention-seekers are the only people who die and live to tell the tale.
Yeah I know you guys thought I was dead and held a TV special in my memory...but the truth is, uh...someone stole my laptop and played a little joke...

 

by JonJonB
10-12-03
Oh the humanity! Stuck here, in this desolate endless field of ice and snow, nary a scrap of food for miles around!
. . .
If we're stuck here much longer...I may have to eat you to survive.
We haven't even left your driveway yet, you fat shit.

 

by JonJonB
1-20-04
Yesterday I went to a real fancy and expensive salon to get my hair cut and styled.
I know exactly what you're thinking...
...but I'm straight.

 

by JonJonB
7-28-05
I got real drunk last night, woke up this morning lying next to my ex-girlfriend.
Folks at the Cemetary weren't too happy.

 

by JonJonB
7-28-05
I went to a bar last night but the beerkeeper said to me "Get out, I don't like your face."
That's ok, I have half a dozen more in the freezer, he's bound to like one of 'em.

 

by JonJonB
7-28-05
And uh..one last question; what colour is your bedroom painted?
Mauve. That's an odd question for a School Newspaper interview, young Jimmy.
Oh, actually I'm going to sell my story to the national papers and say you molested me. That oughta help, thanks Captain Action!
...*zzzt!*
Ow! What was that?!
My super eye-beams just made you impotant for life, young Jimmy. You're playing with the big boys now.

 

by JonJonB
7-28-05
Seriously now, fix me! I promise I won't go to the papers!
Oh, alright. *zzzt*
Did it work?
Well, I don't know. Look at my bulge.
...are you hard yet?

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