All comics by ashke

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by ashke
1-09-01
Hello young man. Would you like to suck on my ear?
Non Parlo Inglese
Hey you, I demand you suck my lovely ear!
Fuck you, you little one eared freak
Suck my ear dam-HEY, you...you can't have an ear like mine!
Damn those fuckin experimental drugs

 

by ashke
1-10-01
Just before little Bobby's short life ended in a plane crash, Jesus mistakenly appeared before him
Holy fuck! It's jesus!
Shit, it's that little Bobby brat. I Better think fast
Are we alI gonna die in the crash, jesus? Will our bodies explode and cause our guts to splatter everywhere in a rain of blood and gore?
Eer...uhm...eh...I will now save you, little Bobby! BEHOLD MY AMAZING POWER!
You call this amazing fucking power?! Ergh, argh, the pain, the pain! And oh dear god...what's that swirly thing???
shit...

 

by ashke
1-10-01
Having fucked up royally, jesus tries to fix things for poor little Bobby
What's going on? The pain's receding, everything's gone gray and white. Am I dying?
Quiet, brat. I'm concentrating. And stop staring at me with those beady black eyes. They creep me out
Hey, it was you who--WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE???
Dammit, you made me fuck up you stupid little brat. Now I have to start all over.
You fuckin suck, jesus. No wonder they nailed your ass to the cross
Er...uhm...BURN IN HELL,BITCH, AND BEHOLD MY AMAZING POWERS!

 

by ashke
1-10-01
Why hello there fellow scientific experiment of mankind
[processing data: Hello_Program] why hello there fellow scientific experiment of mankind[PROGRAM_END]
Hmmm, your progrmaming must sitll have a few bugs to work out of it.
[processing data: MALFUNCTION_ABORT] Malfunction, Malfunction [program:DIABOLICAL_ROBOT]Destroy all, destroy all, destroy all...
Heeheeheeheehee

 

by ashke
1-10-01
Ooo, a pink cow! Can you bestow some pink milk upon me oh great pink cow
A cow?! I'm a dog, you drunken wanker
A pink dog? But the description says you're a donkey. And donkeys aren't pink, nor do they give milk
Neither are dogs and cows. But if you knew I was a donkey, why did you call me a cow? Wait...did you say i give milk? Maybe I am a cow. No, i can't be. I'm a dog. a dog i say. No wait, a donkey
I think I'll come back for the great pink cow's pink milk as bestowed upon me by the pink donkey some other time
Dog...no no, donkey. Cow. Cow's give milk. i give milk. I'm a donkey. No no...SHIT

 

by ashke
1-11-01
The Psychic Experimentations of Mankind Network proudly presents this....
So, if you're a psychic robot, what's the answer to life the universe and everything?
42
cheesy...
Wow, thank you psychic robot! I can't wait to tell all my friends about what your psychic powers can do for them
Everyone spread the word and call now for your free psychic robot message.
advert.
Only 99cents the first minute, $5.95 each additonal one
Wow, what a barg--[MALFUNCTION:PROGRAM_NOLIE] Lies! Lies! Wankers! Liars! Crooks! [ERROR:DESTROY_PSYROB] Destroy psychic robot, destroy psychic robot, destroy....

 

by ashke
1-11-01
My inner voice told me this isn't funny, but hey...
I think a two headed bug thing deserves a laugh!
And, look. A four eyed robot. And he's making strange noises! Tee Hee!
grr argh rehhhh bleh
Stupid git

 

by ashke
1-12-01
DEAD
These woods remind me of a B movie I saw once. You go stay in that cabin over there while I check them out
Oh, explodingdog guy, your so brave facing those latex demons and animitronic possessed trees that are probably out there armed only with a hammer!
BEFORE
Latex demons? Animitronic trees? This is nuerotic
I'm going to the rundown and probably haunted cabin to hide. Try to make it back without being splattered with fake Karo-blood. It makes everything sticky and and attracts too many goddam bugs
DAWN (ooo, scary)
I'm having this sudden surge of inadequate B movie knowledge.
I'll swallow your youl, I'll swallow your soul, I'll swallow--hey, where's your chainsaw???

 

by ashke
9-04-01
I wonder what Nathaniel's up to today
[whirrr zzzzoop]

 

by ashke
9-04-01
Excuse me, are you the Whitehouse's resident ghost?
Why yes I am
Think you can help me sneak in?
No, sir, i'm afraid I can't do that
Well, why not?
Well they told me if I spook away guys like you on a nightly basis, I get to possess the president whenever he has to make any important descisions. Quite a deal, don't you think?

 

by ashke
9-04-01
I wonder....
[whirrr] What do you wonder? [zooop]
If I'm me, or you're me. or he's me, or if I'm really just a squirrel
ah...i see...your dilemma...young grasshopper. The truth is....
I fuckin knew it
Hi ya!

 

by ashke
9-05-01
Ok, ya lagomoprhic pervert, put your hands up where I can seem 'em and ya won't get hurt
You're rolplaying ideas are getting way too kinky, Rob

 

by ashke
9-05-01
'sup kid?
Repent for your sins before the apocalypse rains down upon our hapless mortal heads
wassat?
Heathen, you defy he that is called all with your imbibement of unholy fluids
I can't unnerstan a word ya sayin'
*sigh*...fuckin' wanker...

 

by ashke
9-05-01
i kill you...i kill all you...you fuckas...you goddam dirty fuckas...where pills? Need...need restraint
Dear god...the lemmings...must screw lemmings...yes, oh yes, oh god yes...eat lemmings. Tasty lemmings. mmm mmm...pills...pills goddam it. Must go now!
I need a new job

 

by ashke
9-07-01
Now this boys and girls is a rocket
The US government uses these to anihilate smaller, third-world countries to prove we are biger and stronger then they are.
And in addition, like all man-made objects, the design resembles a giant penis

 

by ashke
9-12-01
Don't Turn Around
Wah-ooooo!
The commies are in town
....
Er, that wasn't funny, Rob
Funny? Who's trying to be funny?

 

by ashke
9-12-01
When I was younger, I was convinced I was really Sid Viscious. I painted the number 100 on my bedroom door, and my girlfriend and I lived there. I didn't kill her, though.
Is Sid Viscious one of the Backstreet Boys?
No. He was from the 70's punk band the Sex Pistols
[Gasp!] You said a dirty word to me. Mommy says that if a stranger says something dirty to me I should call for help.
Huh. All I said was that Sid Viscious was from the Sex Pistols.
You said it again! That's it, mister, i'm telling! THERE'S A DIRTY COCKSUCKING PERVERT HERE TRYING TO MOLEST ME. SOMEBODY BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIM!!!

 

by ashke
9-17-01
Flies don't generally have much luck when it comes to trying to pick people up
I'm tellin' ya, Frank, Rob ain't the right one for you.
And I suppose you are?
Well, now that you mention it, yeah.
What have you got that Rob doesn't?
Well, I, er, hover around steaming piles of shit all day and vomit on my own food so that it's more easily digestable
That's just plain sick.

 

by ashke
10-15-01
Please Do Not Stare At Me
Wanker

 

by ashke
10-15-01
I'm the magikal crack Dolphin. I grant wishes to unfourtunate souls
Here's one now. I'll just sprinkle my magik crack dust on them and...
blergh! bleh meh foum!
Whoops...I guess that was too much
My, what a sexy looking porpoise you are. Would you like to be my new 'pet'?

 

by ashke
10-16-01
I'm a vampire. I'm immortal.
I'm a giant fly. I'm immortal too
Let's have a contest to see whose more immortal. You can go first. I'll just drop these bombs on you and see what happens
Ok
Well, that was amusing

 

by ashke
10-16-01
Romeo, Romeo, oh where the fuck is that douche bag?
Oh Juliet, my love for you is but a red red McDonald's container, but we can not wed. I shall impale mine self with this dagger lest I be forced to wed a skanky whore. not that you're any better
How I love thee, Romeo. Let me count the ways...Bananas, milks, eggs, cheese...wait, i think this is my grocery list
It is too late to save me, you stupid cunt. I have already driven this sharp rusty object through my temples with grief. and it hurts like a motherfucker!
Romeo, I can not live without your gonads at my side. I shall kill myself as well. oh how your pain pains me. oh, how i'm going to make your afterlife a living fucking hell for this. I die now!
Just kidding, Juliet.I ain't killing myself for no goddam woman. but say,would you like to get some KFC after your done committing suicide? It will be my treat. i don't mind if you're dead. honest

 

by ashke
11-26-01
Hey Zeke, your fly's unzippered
Yeah, I know
Well, er, maybe you should zipper it then?
No way, dude
If I close it, the Gerbils might suffocate from lack of air, and that would never do
um... i just remembered i, uh, er, have to go shave my dog...yeah, he needs a shave. fur's getting shaggy. bye now!

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