All comics by ezb

Profile

 

by ezb
9-09-10
What are you doing?
Trying to think of an article to write for the Funblog. Why are you in that garbage can?
I was born without legs and have had a completely unfair life, remember?
Sorry dude I completely forgot.
You're my twin brother how the fuck could you forget?
I'm pretty sure it's either the meth addiction or the paint I huffed earlier, hard to say really.

 

by ezb
9-09-10
So thanks for responding to our ad and welcome to the West Seatlte Funblog staff.
94 bottles of beer on the wall
That's your cubicle there on the left. I wrote your password down next to the keyboard.
What happened back at your house, what was that all about? I'm going cross country with you.
I can see you have lots of ideas to sort through, see you at the staff meeting at 2PM.
Our breakfast special today is chirizo and eggs. I put all my things on computer disks.

 

by ezb
9-09-10
You're with the West Seattle Blog?
Um, no it's the West Seattle FUNblog.
I love the West Seattle Blog, especially the stories about traffic circles and community gardens and adorable animal interest pieces.
Why the fuck is this guy holding that cat?
So you're with the West Seattle Blog?
I bet this guy has sex with that cat.

 

by ezb
9-09-10
"Dear EZB, good job on manning the Funblog Space Station. You've been doing such a great job that Pete and I think you should take another turn. See you in 2014. - Luigi"
"P.S. Sorry we haven't hooked up your internet yet, Clearwire isn't avaialble in your area and Comcast is being a bitch about scheduling a trip up there. - Luigi"
"Oh and Pete told me to tell you that your mom says hi. - Luigi"

 

by ezb
9-10-10
What's in the briefcase Todd?
Stuff.
What KIND of stuff?
Mutherfucker...
Have you been hanging around that West Seattle Funblog at lunch again Todd?

 

by ezb
9-10-10
Meanwhile, at West Seattle Funblog Headquarters...
You nailed that fucking presentation J-Dog.
Thanks man.
You nailed that fucking presentation J-Dog.
Thanks...you just said that though.
You nailed that fucking presentation J-Dog.
Go to Hell.

 

by ezb
9-10-10
Meanwhile, the West Seattle Funblog has managed to infiltrate West Seattle Blog headquarters...
West Seattle Blog, prepare to meet your fucking whore destiny. I'm going to torch these mountains of profits.
Wait West Seattle Funblog! I have something very important to tell you.
Nothing can stop me now Blog. You collect money from sponsors and never give back to your readership. Not even an updated website! My 3 year old's website looks better than yours.
Funblog, please don't do this, I'll do anyting!
Create quality, unbiased journalism that doesn't follow the classic corporate greed structure of the past.
NOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by ezb
9-10-10
Have you had enough, pitiful mortal?
Not even close asshole.
Who ARE you?
Wouldn't you like to know, Beelzebub.
You're with the West Seattle Funblog aren't you.
Bingo, bitch.

 

by ezb
9-10-10
Welcome to Funblog 101. I'm your professor Johan Snoorgard. I'd like to begin by telling you that there is only one rule in this class. Can anyone guess what that rule is?
Have fun?
No.
Don't fuck my wife.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Meanwhile, at West Seattle Funblog Corporate, a game of 20 Questions comes to an end...
No, I am definitely NOT a mineral.
Are you a shoe?
No, I am definitely NOT a shoe.
Oh my god you're a homicidal clown that's going to cut me aren't you!
Yes.
Fuck yeah I'm awesome at this....oh, wait....

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Meanwhile, in the West Seattle Jail...
What are you in jail for friend?
Well it's not for sucking in movies like you do, Robin Hood Kevin Costner.
Listen, I'm not here because of that movie I made with Ashton Kutcher, ok?
Could have fooled me, Tin Cup.
You're not real, are you?
Nope.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Somewhere in Los Angeles...
Ok, you woke me up, got me out of bed at 6AM on a Saturday, what's so god damn important?
Well Mike, remember that time, when you were fighting the Sith Lord, and...
Carl, this better not be about fucking Star Wars again. You know I just acted in that movie as a stunt double, I've told you a million times already!
...Right, but the thing is, that time when you held the double bladed lightsaber...
Get the FUCK out of my house, Carl!

 

by ezb
9-11-10
I'm sorry Mike, you're not the father.
Not the father? We've been married for 5 years! Who the fuck IS the father then?
The West Seattle Funblog.
The ENTIRE West Seattle Funblog? That's like dozens of people!
The Austin and White Center Funblogs were there also.
A gangbang?! You're a fucking whore, Nancy.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
So then the priest says, that IS a giant racoon under my robe!
Oh snap!
Well, I guess this is where we fight to the death. How do you want to start?
I don't know man, there has to be a better way. I really wanted to get home early tonight and read the West Seattle Funblog.
Well we could always compare dick size and whoever has the biggest one wins.
No way, I know what everyone says about black ninjas.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Thanks for choosing Mega Burger, what would you like to order?
The eagle flies at night.
Excuse me?
The wind blows from the south today.
You're one of those West Seattle Funbloggers aren't you? I told you guys to stop coming here talking in your crazy funblog code.
Robert. Understand. Condorcet Hotel.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Meanwhile, somewhere in West Seattle...
So remember, when he walks past this fence we jump out and beat the shit out of him. You take his wallet.
I thought we were done committing crimes, Bob. You told me it was time to go legit.
Shhh! Here he comes!
I hope you're ready to do some hard time Jerry, this cock sucker is going DOWN tonight!
Who the fuck is going to take care of my Farmville farm?

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Meanwhile, in the West Seattle Funblog Men's Restroom
So listen, I know you're new around here but you really need to stop following me into the bathroom every I go to take a piss.
And I don't know how you're doing it but you really need to stop wearing the same thing I wear every day. Don't make me talk to the big boss about this, Craig.
Bruce, I'm you from the future and I'm here to warn you of something that will negatively affect your life forever!
No you're not.
How does he know?

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Meanwhile, back at West Seattle Funblog Corporate...
Don, did you hear? I'm up to 5,000 friends on Facebook. A lot of them are bands I don't really listen to but whatever, it's cool bro!
So is that what you do all day at work John? Post shit on Facebook? Is that why your numbers are down?
Charlie, did you hear? I'm up to 5,000 friends on Facebook! I know, fucking killer is right!
Listen, just because I have to wear this costume for my Star Trek religion doesn't mean you can ignore me John. I'm still your boss.
FFFFL bro, fucking Facebook for fucking life man!
Max, it's 10 minutes past your break time, get the fuck off of Facebook!

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Kevin, that does not follow our dress code, this is your third warning. What does that t-shirt even mean?
It's the new West Seattle Funblog t-shirt.
You're fired.
You can't fire me, you already did last week, remember?
Then why are you still showing up to work?
Depression.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
You really need to stop playing tonsil hockey with the interns Miles. You're not even following the action plan we put you on. We didn't teach you this kind of crap in management training.
Well, what do you have to say for...wait. Do you still have that video of me getting sodomized by a horse?
Yep.
...get back to work Miles.
Talk to you later, horse fucker.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
So let me get this straight, YOU'RE the real Stephen Hawking? YOU'RE one of the greatest theoretical physicists ever?
That's right.
Then who's the guy with Muscular Dystrophy that the public recognizes as Stephen Hawking?
He's just a guy I pay to sit in that chair and push a button that vocalizes my theories and opinons. It leaves me more time to focus on my work.
You really are the smartest guy in the world, aren't you?
Damn straight! Want to go mess around with the Hadron Collider?

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Kurt, you can't spend the rest of eternity looking down on Dave Grohl with jealousy. Maybe if you hadn't of killed yourself you could of had what he has.
Listen, why don't you go play a nice game of horse shoes with Michael Jackson. I know that always cheers me up.
Jerry Garcia, did you give Kurt Cobain heroin again? Don't make me send you back to earth as a retarded monkey.

 

by ezb
9-11-10
Heaven circa 52 A.D.
Listen Jesus, you can't go to Space Camp, it won't even be invnted for another 1400 years.
So.
If you go back down there you're just going to confuse people with that ridiculous cosmonaut outfit.
Who made this guy king of kings?
I heard that.
So.

 

by ezb
10-03-10
At the local Blessing of the Animals Day...
Now that he is blessed your cat will be with you in heaven, my son.
Thank you father!
Now that he is blessed your baby seal will be with you in heaven, my child.
Thank you father!
Take your pants off.
What the fuck!

 

by ezb
10-03-10
Meanwhile, at West Seattle Funblog Orientation Day...
Well Harold, we're all real excited to have you start here, why don't we go introduce you around.
That sounds fantastic OH NO OH GOD!
What the fuck happened? Are you OK?
You just shit yourself with excitement, didn't you? I can smell it.
Cool if I burn a personal day?

 

by ezb
10-04-10
Meanwhile, at West Seattle Funblog Headquarters...
I heard about you, you're the new Office Robot 3000!
HOW MAY I HELP YOU CARL
You know my name, that's bad fucking ass! Hey, any chance you're a PLEASURE model like in that movie Blade Runner?
Carl, the Office Robot 3000 is pressing sexual harassment charges against you, I need you to go down to HR.
You know my name, that's bad fucking ass! What's a sexual harassment charge?

 

by ezb
10-04-10
Meanwhile, the West Seattle Funblog goes door to door...
Are you the Key Master?
Not that I know of, I'm the West Seattle Funblog.
Are you the Key Master?
Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.

 

by ezb
8-10-11
Meanwhile, at West Seattle Funblog Headquarters...
OK, so you proved you can write poorly thought out satire. But what else can you do?
I can fuck shit up.
What do you mean when you say "fuck shit up"?
Wait here.
30 minutes later...
Holy crap! You're hired.
Is this jail? I ain't going back to jail, man...

 

by ezb
8-10-11
Meanwhile, at West Seattle Funblog Headquarters...
OK, so you proved you can write poorly thought out satire. But what else can you do?
I can fuck shit up.
What do you mean when you say "fuck shit up"?
Wait here.
30 minutes later...
Holy crap! You're hired.
Is this jail? I ain't going back to jail, man...

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