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"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters." - Demetri Martin

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And why are you filing for unemployment, Mr., uh, Unemployment Man?
Well, with all the technology and drones, criminals are being caught at a faster rate.
And with a president willing to blow everything up, no one wants to be a supervillain anymore. But, on the plus size...
Don't you mean plus side?
How is my wife getting fat a plus side?
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