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Stop Me if You've Heard This
by
russman
9-17-09
The endless quest
Do you ever masturbate?
Of course, it's sex with someone I love.
for a good set-up man
Why do dogs lick themselves?
Are you kidding? If I could do that I would never leave the house.
continues.
Why did you want me to ask all these stupid questions? Just so you could say all those old jokes?
No. You are supposed to ask me if I have a match now.
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russman's Comics
11/13/22 - She's Not Coming Back is She
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07/19/18 - Change is Overrated
07/15/18 - The Things You Do For (Love)
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05/05/18 - Is It So Hard to Spell You or You're I Hate Text Talk
05/04/18 - You're No Jiminy Cricket Either
05/03/18 - She's Better Be Sucking Me Back In
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05/01/18 - The Good Son
04/30/18 - She Used to be Nice
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04/28/18 - The Fun is in the Drop
04/26/18 - I Call Your Lie and Raise You a Deal Breaker
04/25/18 - Yeah, I Thought About It
04/24/18 - Mom Knows Best
04/23/18 - Sort Of
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03/31/18 - What the Hell is Wrong With Me
03/28/18 - Who Wants to be Content
03/27/18 - This is Definitely Not Going to be Great
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03/24/18 - Inappropriate Conversations
03/22/18 - Paranoia Sets In Slowly
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03/20/18 - I Feel Like a Fish With (Wait Did She Say Love)
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03/14/18 - Awkward Moments
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07/14/17 - Out Quipped by the Handicapped
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07/12/17 - I Disgust Myself Sometimes
07/11/17 - I Knew It
07/09/17 - God I'm Old
07/08/17 - Different Perspectives
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07/07/17 - Midnights at the Factory
07/05/17 - Sold
07/04/17 - The More Things Change
07/03/17 - No Seriously
07/02/17 - Not Enthused Just Drunk
07/01/17 - Don't Stop Believin'
06/30/17 - Because I Want to Not Because I Have To
06/29/17 - Thank You Woody Johnson
06/28/17 - Oh Honey I Didn't Mean You Were a Slut
06/27/17 - My Own Particular Niche
06/26/17 - Asked and Answered
06/25/17 - Too Late
06/24/17 - Harmful Rays
06/23/17 - He Really Never Wanted Out
06/22/17 - Just Say No
06/21/17 - I Laugh So As Not to Cry
06/20/17 - Death and the Jerk
06/19/17 - Dave Often Feels Invisible at Work
06/18/17 - Happy Father's Day
06/17/17 - Christmas Can Be Anytime
06/16/17 - I Won't Join any Club that Would have Me as a Member
06/15/17 - Neither Can Most of the Regulars
06/14/17 - What if John Meant Lisa
06/13/17 - I Agree Bill Coulda Done Better
06/12/17 - Five Years Ago it was 20 Bucks and a Happy Meal
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06/08/17 - The Fish was the Best She had Done in a Week
06/07/17 - I Don't Think She Does
06/06/17 - That's Funny She Lets Everyone Else
06/05/17 - It's Not All About Me
06/04/17 - You'll Spoil the Surprise
06/03/17 - What Do You Mean Ungrateful
06/02/17 - A Day in the Office
06/01/17 - With Friends Like These
05/31/17 - Nothing to See Here
05/30/17 - We all Like Chicken
05/29/17 - It Wasn't Exactly Hard Time
05/28/17 - Calling Doctor Love
05/27/17 - The Lost Art of Planning Ahead
05/26/17 - Eggs For Dinner
05/25/17 - The Head Sleeps Alone
05/24/17 - Sometimes Real Life is Funnier than Anything I Can Make Up
05/23/17 - We've All Been There, Right?
05/22/17 - But We Both Enjoyed the Bacon
05/21/17 - Don't We All
05/20/17 - Don't Mistake My Sarcasm for Strength
05/19/17 - I thought He Was Already Here
05/18/17 - Doesn't Sound Too Bad
05/17/17 - And What, Put the Punch-line in the Title
05/16/17 - Getting Along Better Since the Divorce
05/15/17 - Victim of the System
05/14/17 - 2nd Step-Father is the Correct Term, Mom
05/13/17 - The Black Hood Makes Me Less Camera Shy
05/12/17 - I Never Learn
05/11/17 - Bored at Work
05/10/17 - The Urge to Drunk Text the Slut Gets Stronger Every Night
05/09/17 - A Man Can Only Bend So Far
05/08/17 - It Had a Fishy Taste
05/07/17 - Attaboy Man
05/06/17 - Let's Just Say We're on a Break.
05/05/17 - With Any Luck I Won't Survive the Week-End
05/04/17 - Cookies Delay the Inevitable
05/03/17 - She Ain't No Glenn Close
05/02/17 - It Was Nice at the Park
05/01/17 - How I Met Your Mother the Unaired Episodes
04/30/17 - Occasionally a Big Problem but Usually Just Average
04/29/17 - Haiku to Hell
04/28/17 - I'm Already Gone
04/27/17 - Neutered Newt
04/26/17 - I've Been Selling Pretty Good Lately
04/25/17 - More Good Than Harm
04/24/17 - Enable This
04/23/17 - Friendly Banter
04/22/17 - And There's More
04/22/17 - Whatever Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Wish it Did
04/20/17 - Lost in Space
04/19/17 - Probably Both
04/18/17 - Apparently I'm an Asshole
04/17/17 - The Noose Tightens
04/16/17 - Almost as Good
04/15/17 - She Hasn't Texted Back
04/14/17 - Medic Alert
04/14/17 - Hostile Work Environment
04/12/17 - I Think I'm In Love
04/11/17 - Totally Worth It
04/10/17 - What Good is a Safe Word
04/09/17 - It's All Afoot Now
04/08/17 - Squirrel Interlude
04/07/17 - Spiraling Down Fast
04/06/17 - Saying My Days are Numbered is a Given
04/05/17 - I Think Mom Feels Better Now
04/04/17 - Just Horseplay
04/04/17 - Love or Something Damn Near Like It
04/02/17 - Yeah, Yeah
04/01/17 - C'mon September 8th.
03/31/17 - It's Not Even in the Top 10
03/30/17 - On Dasher
03/29/17 - Found 5 Ways to Spell It Picked the Strangest
03/28/17 - It's Not the Peeing It's the Dampness Afterwards
03/27/17 - Stained Beauty
03/26/17 - Be Prepared to Pay
03/25/17 - Yes I Am
03/24/17 - Weather Girl Shenanigans
03/23/17 - Home Alone Part 87
03/22/17 - It's Just A Little Pool
03/21/17 - Another One of "Those" Kind of Jokes
03/20/17 - It's Egg McMuffin Time
03/19/17 - More of a Theme Song Than a Motto
03/18/17 - The Ice Cream Man Cometh
03/17/17 - Green Beer For Breakfast
03/16/17 - I've Got Kent State to Win it
03/15/17 - So Help Me I'll Do It
03/14/17 - Only Squirrel Jokes From Now On
03/13/17 - The Sleep-Over
03/12/17 - Oh, I'm Sure You Remember Right
03/11/17 - The Not So Never-Ending Battle
03/10/17 - When Beer Goggles Just Aren't Enough
03/09/17 - You Get Three Days Paid for a Funeral
03/08/17 - Something Wicked This Way Comes
03/07/17 - Jinxed
03/07/17 - Just Another Day
03/05/17 - Random is Much Harder Than It Looks
03/04/17 - Women are Vicious
03/03/17 - I Don't Want a New Daddy
03/02/17 - Smoke Break
03/01/17 - The Cool Uncle
02/28/17 - Nuff Said
02/27/17 - I'd Be Lyin' if I Said I Wasn't Tempted
02/26/17 - I Went to Nursing School for This
02/25/17 - My Day at the Dog Park
02/24/17 - Keeping the Sparks Flowing
02/23/17 - Who Did She Kill
02/22/17 - Home Security
02/21/17 - I Don't Think I'll Get Pancakes for Breakfast
02/20/17 - Waiting For God
02/19/17 - Rocky Strikes Again
02/18/17 - Saturday Night
02/17/17 - 14 and 0
02/16/17 - Won't Even Cash it Until Tomorrow
02/15/17 - Split
02/14/17 - Getting Better All the Time
02/13/17 - Happy Valentine's Day
02/12/17 - The Scene of the Crime
02/11/17 - Might Even Watch Saturday Night Live
02/10/17 - Deuce Meets Gabe
02/09/17 - My 100th Day With Mom
02/08/17 - Any Similarities and All That Shit
02/07/17 - And I'm Still There
02/06/17 - You Don't Have to be Lonely
02/05/17 - God's Team
02/05/17 - I'll Be in Bed by the 3rd Quarter
02/04/17 - Maybe 8
02/02/17 - TV With Mom
02/02/17 - Only Fools Believe
02/01/17 - Be Careful Crying Out
01/31/17 - And I Thought the Squeegee Guys Were Bad
01/30/17 - Gateway to Something
01/28/17 - I Guess I Can Go One More Week
01/28/17 - Off Season
01/27/17 - What Was Mom Thinking
01/26/17 - Oh I Do, Big Boy
01/25/17 - One Joke a Day is Hard
01/24/17 - Foraging is Always Funny
01/23/17 - That's an Hour I'll Never Get Back
01/22/17 - Had to Pull the Trump Card
01/21/17 - NFL Keeps It's Promise to Help Concussion Victims
01/20/17 - Always Look on the Brightside
01/19/17 - I'm Not Gonna Conform
01/18/17 - It's Free and They Make it Extra Strong
01/17/17 - It's Hard to Argue When She's Right.
01/16/17 - Russ Does Dilbert
01/15/17 - But Not as Funny as I Was Hoping
01/14/17 - They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore
01/13/17 - Find the Good in You
01/12/17 - Scared Straight
01/11/17 - Amusing Yourself is Really All That Counts
01/10/17 - Where the Dogs Are
01/09/17 - I Hate these Kind of Jokes
01/08/17 - My Interview With God
01/07/17 - It's the Look on Their Faces That Make it all Worthwhile
01/06/17 - She Wasn't This Mad When I Went to Prison.
01/05/17 - I Drink Alone
01/04/17 - Needless to Say, She Wasn't Hot.
01/03/17 - Old Days
01/02/17 - Gotta Get Out of This Place
01/01/17 - It's the Enthusiasm not the Duration that Counts
12/28/16 - OK Google. Find me Princess Leia naked
12/26/16 - Careless Whisper
12/22/16 - Wouldn't You Like to Bundle
12/08/16 - Can I Have a Do-Over
12/02/16 - Happy Holidays
10/27/16 - Homemade Sugar the Size of Biscuits
10/17/16 - Maneaters
10/16/16 - Typecasting
10/15/16 - Sometimes the Wing Man Wins
10/14/16 - I've Never Had Tears of Joy
10/13/16 - Like You Wouldn't
10/12/16 - Curse You Google
10/11/16 - Just Explaining the Lapse
10/11/16 - Dare is Always the Correct Response
11/18/10 - Party Game
11/16/10 - Results Are Not Typical
10/20/10 - Faith Without Works
09/17/10 - But He Knows I get Laid All the Time... Ohh
06/23/10 - At Least I'm Cutting Back a Little
04/27/10 - Bonding Time
03/04/10 - Why Russ Will never be on Oprah
02/11/10 - The More Things Stay the Same
02/10/10 - Why Do They Call it Getting Lucky
02/09/10 - So Does the Horse
02/08/10 - I Did Play Mixed Doubles Once
02/07/10 - The Big Game
02/07/10 - Just Another Your Momma Joke
02/05/10 - You Can't Be Too Careful
02/04/10 - Should We Pretend We're Going to a Costume Party
02/03/10 - Noah and the Wing Man
02/02/10 - The Postman Makes No promises
02/01/10 - When Bit Players Lose the Bit
01/31/10 - An Actual Conversation Part III
01/30/10 - All Security Report to Copy Room for Monitoring Purposes
01/29/10 - An Actual Conversation part II
01/28/10 - An Actual Conversation
01/27/10 - Never Put Trix and Captain Crunch in the Same Bowl
01/26/10 - Yours or Mine, He Asked, Hoping She Meant Hers
01/25/10 - Please Stop Was Not the Safe Word
01/24/10 - Why Can't I Ever be Third
01/23/10 - Where is Mom Anyway
01/22/10 - The Curse of Loggins and That Other Guy
01/21/10 - Forgiveness Ain't All It's Cracked Up to Be
01/20/10 - Note to Self, Call Mafia Boy About That Thing
01/19/10 - One Day at Fox news
01/18/10 - Works For Me
01/17/10 - Don't Say Nothing to Anyone Else
01/16/10 - Don't Look at Me
01/15/10 - One Day at the Unemployment Office
01/14/10 - RIP Teddy I Miss You Cathy
01/13/10 - You Don't Really "Read" Blondie, Eh, Eh, Eh
01/12/10 - Who Said Compasses Have to be Moral
01/11/10 - Rules to Live By
01/10/10 - Moms Are Funny That Way
01/09/10 - One is More Than Enough
01/08/10 - If You Build It
01/07/10 - The Disgruntled Are Among Us
01/06/10 - If My Dreams Could Dream
01/05/10 - Not Guilty by Reason of Stupidity
01/04/10 - It's All About the View
01/03/10 - Dad of the Year
01/02/10 - Starting as a Bottom
01/01/10 - Damn New Years and Saturdays
12/31/09 - Another Reason There Won't Be a Laugh-In Reunion
12/30/09 - Don't We All
12/29/09 - Doughnuts and Ducks or Dress Pinks
12/28/09 - Pants For Turkey
12/27/09 - Can't Fly Without My Wing
12/26/09 - Maybe We're Winning
12/25/09 - Every Other Day is Merry
12/24/09 - Better Than Walgreens
12/23/09 - Pot Luck at the Smithson's
12/21/09 - R.I.P. Brittany
12/21/09 - The More Things Change
12/20/09 - No Excuses
12/19/09 - It's Not the Opposable Thumbs
12/18/09 - Little People Make Me Happy
12/17/09 - McRib is Back
12/16/09 - Shot My Wad
12/15/09 - Daffy Does Dallas
12/15/09 - Lesson Learned
12/13/09 - They're So Cute At That Age
12/12/09 - You Can't Go Back
12/11/09 - You're So Vain
12/10/09 - I Watched One Once
12/09/09 - Home For A Year
12/08/09 - I Like White Meat
12/07/09 - Intended Consequences
12/06/09 - Me and My Special Friend
12/05/09 - Waste Not
12/04/09 - Another Way the White Woman Keeps the Black Man Down
12/03/09 - Not Funny but True
12/03/09 - Pecan Has Much More Value
12/01/09 - What if Check Meant Screw
11/30/09 - And That Feeling is Icky
11/29/09 - It's Magic To Me
11/28/09 - Just Another Day
11/27/09 - A Good Day at Work is Still Worse Than a Bad Day of Anything
11/26/09 - It May Not Sound Like a Life But It's My Life
11/25/09 - Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
11/24/09 - Running With Cigarettes
11/23/09 - They Aliens Who Might Eat Goats
11/22/09 - Me Three
11/21/09 - Things I Think When My Mind is Clear
11/20/09 - As It Should Be
11/19/09 - I'm Not Sure Where This is Heading
11/18/09 - Look What I Made
11/17/09 - This Call May Be Monitored
11/16/09 - Not to Mention Socks
11/15/09 - And This Is One of Those Things
11/14/09 - Barista's Make Me Feel Small
11/13/09 - They Were That Color When I Put Them On
11/12/09 - What's In Your Wallet
11/11/09 - Does That Big Mac You Paid a Penny For Taste Any Sweeter?
11/10/09 - Show Me once Shame On You Show Me Twice Shame On Me
11/09/09 - When You're Scared You Can Download anywhere.
11/08/09 - Sorry Mom
11/07/09 - Screening Process of a Successful Serial Killer.
11/06/09 - I Kept It Mom
11/05/09 - It's Not Funny Anymore
11/04/09 - That's What She Said
11/03/09 - You Don't Want to Know
11/02/09 - Funny in My Head
11/01/09 - Halloween is Amateur Night
10/31/09 - Bobo Go Home
10/30/09 - It's Only a Little Damp
10/29/09 - It is All Mine
10/28/09 - Wasn't All it Was Cracked Up to Be
10/27/09 - Beauty in the Eye
10/26/09 - Hazardous Duty
10/25/09 - Snowman = Girlfriend
10/24/09 - Memo to Staff Re: Feet to Floor Contact
10/23/09 - Sad But True
10/22/09 - Working For Family
10/21/09 - Another Balloon Boy Joke
10/20/09 - My Bonnet is not a Costume
10/19/09 - Turnip Garden
10/18/09 - After the Lovin'
10/17/09 - There is Only One Side
10/17/09 - Desperate Times and All
10/16/09 - Three Strikes
10/15/09 - My Sucky Sucky Joke
10/14/09 - Girding that Thing That You Gird
10/14/09 - Wasn't Me
10/13/09 - Shy Bladder
10/13/09 - Unemployed Beat Poet
10/12/09 - Does He Doesn't He
10/12/09 - Sterile is Gross
10/11/09 - 2 Out of 3
10/11/09 - End Times Are Near
10/10/09 - Hair gel
10/10/09 - Toothpaste
10/04/09 - Lunch
10/03/09 - That's One Problem I'll Never Face
10/02/09 - Tips and Tips Alone
10/01/09 - It Sucks to Blow
09/30/09 - Not Guilty
09/29/09 - Wrong Reasons
09/28/09 - Rodney the Red Eyed Elf Proctoligist Roach
09/27/09 - Celebrity America's Got talent
09/26/09 - Daddy's Baby
09/25/09 - Endlessly Rewritten Still Not Right
09/24/09 - Just a Test
09/23/09 - To Observe and Report
09/23/09 - Don't Share Everything
09/22/09 - Quick with a Joke
09/20/09 - $5.99 and the Hot Tea is Free
09/19/09 - What If Mind Meant Legs
09/18/09 - I Figured It Out
09/17/09 - Stop Me if You've Heard This
09/16/09 - Mom Knows Best
09/15/09 - They Write Themselves Sometimes
09/14/09 - Another Job I Won't Get
09/13/09 - The Chapman Account
09/12/09 - Fool Me Once
09/11/09 - How Do You Compete With That
09/10/09 - It's All in the Presentation
09/09/09 - Day Off
09/08/09 - MMM Bacon
09/07/09 - Thanks J.K. Harris
09/06/09 - Help Wanted
09/05/09 - Welcome Home
09/04/09 - Stirring the Kettle
09/03/09 - Unforgetable, That's What I Am
09/02/09 - And the Winner is...
09/01/09 - Sponsored By A Cool Dead Person
08/31/09 - Great Expectations
08/30/09 - The Kindness of Strangers
08/30/09 - What the...
08/28/09 - Too Close to Home
08/27/09 - That's My Story
08/26/09 - Thanks Mom
08/25/09 - Fluids is Fluids
08/24/09 - I Hate Bathroom Attendents
08/23/09 - Better to Pluck it Out and All That
08/22/09 - Tonights the Night or Not
08/22/09 - It could Be Worse
08/20/09 - Sara Loves Animals
08/19/09 - There's No Pleasing Some People
08/18/09 - We'll Be Here All Week
08/17/09 - Oh the Shame
08/16/09 - Shore Leave
08/15/09 - Security Now
08/14/09 - A Gentle Breeze
08/13/09 - I Brought Protection
08/12/09 - Death, Where is Thy Sting? Oh, there it is.
08/11/09 - Chad's Day Off
08/11/09 - Turkies are Not Mans' Best Friend
11/20/05 - It's my birthday
11/17/05 - The eternal optimist
11/17/05 - Public butt kissing
11/17/05 - I eat healthy in my jokes
11/14/05 - What?
11/14/05 - Solving One Problem at a Time
11/14/05 - Just relax. You'll feel a little prick.
11/13/05 - Today I do nothing (yeah right)
11/13/05 - I don't smoke but I bet I die anyway
11/10/05 - Narration by Dr. Hook
11/09/05 - That's not crazy..Is it?
11/06/05 - Just a Joke (for Once)
11/05/05 - Am I Fired Yet
10/30/05 - I don't Want to go out
10/30/05 - Babysitter part 3
10/30/05 - The Babysitter
10/30/05 - The babysitter shows up
10/30/05 - Trick or Treat
10/29/05 - I Hate my Job
10/28/05 - It actually worked one time
10/28/05 - Never debate a rabbit
10/27/05 - Even Vulcans need Arm Candy
10/27/05 - Let's Draw Straws
10/27/05 - Life Goes On
10/21/05 - Let's see what happens
10/19/05 - McThis
10/19/05 - Visual storytelling
10/19/05 - Don't listen to the bird
10/19/05 - Quick with the Quip
10/18/05 - My world and welcome to it
10/17/05 - Shopping with the Mrs.
10/16/05 - Boys night out
10/16/05 - 2nd chances are over rated
10/16/05 - Listen carefully
10/16/05 - Missed oportunities
10/16/05 - Always have a plan B
10/16/05 - It Could be a Party
09/10/05 - Mom's at Work
09/07/05 - No Good deed goes Unpunished
09/06/05 - It tastes like chicken
09/05/05 - Don't feel Guilty
08/27/05 - Stuff I think about the night before my flight
07/21/05 - Mom's Favorite
07/05/05 - By the Hour
07/04/05 - Sweep the Floor
06/30/05 - Band Names.I Got Your Band Names
06/30/05 - I Already Forgot
06/30/05 - Hide and Seek
06/29/05 - Round 1
06/29/05 - Set Them free
06/28/05 - Whipped?
06/27/05 - The More Things Change
06/26/05 - Larry can't shake his past
06/25/05 - Let the Game Begin
06/23/05 - I really am sorry
06/22/05 - Show and Tell
06/22/05 - My Greatest Fear
06/21/05 - A Bet is a Bet
06/21/05 - Can You Forgive me Now
06/19/05 - Screwy rabbit.
06/16/05 - Can't Find a Better Man
06/15/05 - We need more reality TV
06/15/05 - Fix the Goat
06/13/05 - My token Michael Jackson Joke
06/12/05 - Inbedded?
06/11/05 - GM troubles affect us all.
06/09/05 - A good Pun or a Terrible Joke. You be the Judge.
06/08/05 - Rollo rolls but never falls.
06/08/05 - No skin diet.
06/07/05 - I'm too cute to forage
06/06/05 - The Love Boat
06/05/05 - Farmer Brown Likes to Shop
06/02/05 - Today at School
06/02/05 - A typical night out
06/01/05 - Love at first charge
06/01/05 - Another day at the office
05/30/05 - Candy from strangers
05/29/05 - First Love
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ko fight club
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Brad Sucks
