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Wake Me When You're Ready to Go
by
russman
8-30-17
Happy Birthday, Mom. Get ready I'm gonna take you out for breakfast before I go to bed.
That's ok. Your sister called she wants to take me out to lunch.
That's great. You can do both, you know?
What I would really like is for you to go with us for lunch.
C'mon Mom. You know I have to be at work early again tonight.
Don't worry, you get your precious sleep. If I live I'll have another birthday next year.
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russman's Comics
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03/31/18 - What the Hell is Wrong With Me
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03/24/18 - Inappropriate Conversations
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12/04/17 - Sign Me Up
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07/19/17 - Kids at Play
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07/09/17 - God I'm Old
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07/02/17 - Not Enthused Just Drunk
07/01/17 - Don't Stop Believin'
06/30/17 - Because I Want to Not Because I Have To
06/29/17 - Thank You Woody Johnson
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06/27/17 - My Own Particular Niche
06/26/17 - Asked and Answered
06/25/17 - Too Late
06/24/17 - Harmful Rays
06/23/17 - He Really Never Wanted Out
06/22/17 - Just Say No
06/21/17 - I Laugh So As Not to Cry
06/20/17 - Death and the Jerk
06/19/17 - Dave Often Feels Invisible at Work
06/18/17 - Happy Father's Day
06/17/17 - Christmas Can Be Anytime
06/16/17 - I Won't Join any Club that Would have Me as a Member
06/15/17 - Neither Can Most of the Regulars
06/14/17 - What if John Meant Lisa
06/13/17 - I Agree Bill Coulda Done Better
06/12/17 - Five Years Ago it was 20 Bucks and a Happy Meal
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06/10/17 - Dippy Please
06/09/17 - It's a Wonderful Life
06/08/17 - The Fish was the Best She had Done in a Week
06/07/17 - I Don't Think She Does
06/06/17 - That's Funny She Lets Everyone Else
06/05/17 - It's Not All About Me
06/04/17 - You'll Spoil the Surprise
06/03/17 - What Do You Mean Ungrateful
06/02/17 - A Day in the Office
06/01/17 - With Friends Like These
05/31/17 - Nothing to See Here
05/30/17 - We all Like Chicken
05/29/17 - It Wasn't Exactly Hard Time
05/28/17 - Calling Doctor Love
05/27/17 - The Lost Art of Planning Ahead
05/26/17 - Eggs For Dinner
05/25/17 - The Head Sleeps Alone
05/24/17 - Sometimes Real Life is Funnier than Anything I Can Make Up
05/23/17 - We've All Been There, Right?
05/22/17 - But We Both Enjoyed the Bacon
05/21/17 - Don't We All
05/20/17 - Don't Mistake My Sarcasm for Strength
05/19/17 - I thought He Was Already Here
05/18/17 - Doesn't Sound Too Bad
05/17/17 - And What, Put the Punch-line in the Title
05/16/17 - Getting Along Better Since the Divorce
05/15/17 - Victim of the System
05/14/17 - 2nd Step-Father is the Correct Term, Mom
05/13/17 - The Black Hood Makes Me Less Camera Shy
05/12/17 - I Never Learn
05/11/17 - Bored at Work
05/10/17 - The Urge to Drunk Text the Slut Gets Stronger Every Night
05/09/17 - A Man Can Only Bend So Far
05/08/17 - It Had a Fishy Taste
05/07/17 - Attaboy Man
05/06/17 - Let's Just Say We're on a Break.
05/05/17 - With Any Luck I Won't Survive the Week-End
05/04/17 - Cookies Delay the Inevitable
05/03/17 - She Ain't No Glenn Close
05/02/17 - It Was Nice at the Park
05/01/17 - How I Met Your Mother the Unaired Episodes
04/30/17 - Occasionally a Big Problem but Usually Just Average
04/29/17 - Haiku to Hell
04/28/17 - I'm Already Gone
04/27/17 - Neutered Newt
04/26/17 - I've Been Selling Pretty Good Lately
04/25/17 - More Good Than Harm
04/24/17 - Enable This
04/23/17 - Friendly Banter
04/22/17 - And There's More
04/22/17 - Whatever Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Wish it Did
04/20/17 - Lost in Space
04/19/17 - Probably Both
04/18/17 - Apparently I'm an Asshole
04/17/17 - The Noose Tightens
04/16/17 - Almost as Good
04/15/17 - She Hasn't Texted Back
04/14/17 - Medic Alert
04/14/17 - Hostile Work Environment
04/12/17 - I Think I'm In Love
04/11/17 - Totally Worth It
04/10/17 - What Good is a Safe Word
04/09/17 - It's All Afoot Now
04/08/17 - Squirrel Interlude
04/07/17 - Spiraling Down Fast
04/06/17 - Saying My Days are Numbered is a Given
04/05/17 - I Think Mom Feels Better Now
04/04/17 - Just Horseplay
04/04/17 - Love or Something Damn Near Like It
04/02/17 - Yeah, Yeah
04/01/17 - C'mon September 8th.
03/31/17 - It's Not Even in the Top 10
03/30/17 - On Dasher
03/29/17 - Found 5 Ways to Spell It Picked the Strangest
03/28/17 - It's Not the Peeing It's the Dampness Afterwards
03/27/17 - Stained Beauty
03/26/17 - Be Prepared to Pay
03/25/17 - Yes I Am
03/24/17 - Weather Girl Shenanigans
03/23/17 - Home Alone Part 87
03/22/17 - It's Just A Little Pool
03/21/17 - Another One of "Those" Kind of Jokes
03/20/17 - It's Egg McMuffin Time
03/19/17 - More of a Theme Song Than a Motto
03/18/17 - The Ice Cream Man Cometh
03/17/17 - Green Beer For Breakfast
03/16/17 - I've Got Kent State to Win it
03/15/17 - So Help Me I'll Do It
03/14/17 - Only Squirrel Jokes From Now On
03/13/17 - The Sleep-Over
03/12/17 - Oh, I'm Sure You Remember Right
03/11/17 - The Not So Never-Ending Battle
03/10/17 - When Beer Goggles Just Aren't Enough
03/09/17 - You Get Three Days Paid for a Funeral
03/08/17 - Something Wicked This Way Comes
03/07/17 - Jinxed
03/07/17 - Just Another Day
03/05/17 - Random is Much Harder Than It Looks
03/04/17 - Women are Vicious
03/03/17 - I Don't Want a New Daddy
03/02/17 - Smoke Break
03/01/17 - The Cool Uncle
02/28/17 - Nuff Said
02/27/17 - I'd Be Lyin' if I Said I Wasn't Tempted
02/26/17 - I Went to Nursing School for This
02/25/17 - My Day at the Dog Park
02/24/17 - Keeping the Sparks Flowing
02/23/17 - Who Did She Kill
02/22/17 - Home Security
02/21/17 - I Don't Think I'll Get Pancakes for Breakfast
02/20/17 - Waiting For God
02/19/17 - Rocky Strikes Again
02/18/17 - Saturday Night
02/17/17 - 14 and 0
02/16/17 - Won't Even Cash it Until Tomorrow
02/15/17 - Split
02/14/17 - Getting Better All the Time
02/13/17 - Happy Valentine's Day
02/12/17 - The Scene of the Crime
02/11/17 - Might Even Watch Saturday Night Live
02/10/17 - Deuce Meets Gabe
02/09/17 - My 100th Day With Mom
02/08/17 - Any Similarities and All That Shit
02/07/17 - And I'm Still There
02/06/17 - You Don't Have to be Lonely
02/05/17 - God's Team
02/05/17 - I'll Be in Bed by the 3rd Quarter
02/04/17 - Maybe 8
02/02/17 - TV With Mom
02/02/17 - Only Fools Believe
02/01/17 - Be Careful Crying Out
01/31/17 - And I Thought the Squeegee Guys Were Bad
01/30/17 - Gateway to Something
01/28/17 - I Guess I Can Go One More Week
01/28/17 - Off Season
01/27/17 - What Was Mom Thinking
01/26/17 - Oh I Do, Big Boy
01/25/17 - One Joke a Day is Hard
01/24/17 - Foraging is Always Funny
01/23/17 - That's an Hour I'll Never Get Back
01/22/17 - Had to Pull the Trump Card
01/21/17 - NFL Keeps It's Promise to Help Concussion Victims
01/20/17 - Always Look on the Brightside
01/19/17 - I'm Not Gonna Conform
01/18/17 - It's Free and They Make it Extra Strong
01/17/17 - It's Hard to Argue When She's Right.
01/16/17 - Russ Does Dilbert
01/15/17 - But Not as Funny as I Was Hoping
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01/09/17 - I Hate these Kind of Jokes
01/08/17 - My Interview With God
01/07/17 - It's the Look on Their Faces That Make it all Worthwhile
01/06/17 - She Wasn't This Mad When I Went to Prison.
01/05/17 - I Drink Alone
01/04/17 - Needless to Say, She Wasn't Hot.
01/03/17 - Old Days
01/02/17 - Gotta Get Out of This Place
01/01/17 - It's the Enthusiasm not the Duration that Counts
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12/26/16 - Careless Whisper
12/22/16 - Wouldn't You Like to Bundle
12/08/16 - Can I Have a Do-Over
12/02/16 - Happy Holidays
10/27/16 - Homemade Sugar the Size of Biscuits
10/17/16 - Maneaters
10/16/16 - Typecasting
10/15/16 - Sometimes the Wing Man Wins
10/14/16 - I've Never Had Tears of Joy
10/13/16 - Like You Wouldn't
10/12/16 - Curse You Google
10/11/16 - Just Explaining the Lapse
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10/20/10 - Faith Without Works
09/17/10 - But He Knows I get Laid All the Time... Ohh
06/23/10 - At Least I'm Cutting Back a Little
04/27/10 - Bonding Time
03/04/10 - Why Russ Will never be on Oprah
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02/10/10 - Why Do They Call it Getting Lucky
02/09/10 - So Does the Horse
02/08/10 - I Did Play Mixed Doubles Once
02/07/10 - The Big Game
02/07/10 - Just Another Your Momma Joke
02/05/10 - You Can't Be Too Careful
02/04/10 - Should We Pretend We're Going to a Costume Party
02/03/10 - Noah and the Wing Man
02/02/10 - The Postman Makes No promises
02/01/10 - When Bit Players Lose the Bit
01/31/10 - An Actual Conversation Part III
01/30/10 - All Security Report to Copy Room for Monitoring Purposes
01/29/10 - An Actual Conversation part II
01/28/10 - An Actual Conversation
01/27/10 - Never Put Trix and Captain Crunch in the Same Bowl
01/26/10 - Yours or Mine, He Asked, Hoping She Meant Hers
01/25/10 - Please Stop Was Not the Safe Word
01/24/10 - Why Can't I Ever be Third
01/23/10 - Where is Mom Anyway
01/22/10 - The Curse of Loggins and That Other Guy
01/21/10 - Forgiveness Ain't All It's Cracked Up to Be
01/20/10 - Note to Self, Call Mafia Boy About That Thing
01/19/10 - One Day at Fox news
01/18/10 - Works For Me
01/17/10 - Don't Say Nothing to Anyone Else
01/16/10 - Don't Look at Me
01/15/10 - One Day at the Unemployment Office
01/14/10 - RIP Teddy I Miss You Cathy
01/13/10 - You Don't Really "Read" Blondie, Eh, Eh, Eh
01/12/10 - Who Said Compasses Have to be Moral
01/11/10 - Rules to Live By
01/10/10 - Moms Are Funny That Way
01/09/10 - One is More Than Enough
01/08/10 - If You Build It
01/07/10 - The Disgruntled Are Among Us
01/06/10 - If My Dreams Could Dream
01/05/10 - Not Guilty by Reason of Stupidity
01/04/10 - It's All About the View
01/03/10 - Dad of the Year
01/02/10 - Starting as a Bottom
01/01/10 - Damn New Years and Saturdays
12/31/09 - Another Reason There Won't Be a Laugh-In Reunion
12/30/09 - Don't We All
12/29/09 - Doughnuts and Ducks or Dress Pinks
12/28/09 - Pants For Turkey
12/27/09 - Can't Fly Without My Wing
12/26/09 - Maybe We're Winning
12/25/09 - Every Other Day is Merry
12/24/09 - Better Than Walgreens
12/23/09 - Pot Luck at the Smithson's
12/21/09 - R.I.P. Brittany
12/21/09 - The More Things Change
12/20/09 - No Excuses
12/19/09 - It's Not the Opposable Thumbs
12/18/09 - Little People Make Me Happy
12/17/09 - McRib is Back
12/16/09 - Shot My Wad
12/15/09 - Daffy Does Dallas
12/15/09 - Lesson Learned
12/13/09 - They're So Cute At That Age
12/12/09 - You Can't Go Back
12/11/09 - You're So Vain
12/10/09 - I Watched One Once
12/09/09 - Home For A Year
12/08/09 - I Like White Meat
12/07/09 - Intended Consequences
12/06/09 - Me and My Special Friend
12/05/09 - Waste Not
12/04/09 - Another Way the White Woman Keeps the Black Man Down
12/03/09 - Not Funny but True
12/03/09 - Pecan Has Much More Value
12/01/09 - What if Check Meant Screw
11/30/09 - And That Feeling is Icky
11/29/09 - It's Magic To Me
11/28/09 - Just Another Day
11/27/09 - A Good Day at Work is Still Worse Than a Bad Day of Anything
11/26/09 - It May Not Sound Like a Life But It's My Life
11/25/09 - Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
11/24/09 - Running With Cigarettes
11/23/09 - They Aliens Who Might Eat Goats
11/22/09 - Me Three
11/21/09 - Things I Think When My Mind is Clear
11/20/09 - As It Should Be
11/19/09 - I'm Not Sure Where This is Heading
11/18/09 - Look What I Made
11/17/09 - This Call May Be Monitored
11/16/09 - Not to Mention Socks
11/15/09 - And This Is One of Those Things
11/14/09 - Barista's Make Me Feel Small
11/13/09 - They Were That Color When I Put Them On
11/12/09 - What's In Your Wallet
11/11/09 - Does That Big Mac You Paid a Penny For Taste Any Sweeter?
11/10/09 - Show Me once Shame On You Show Me Twice Shame On Me
11/09/09 - When You're Scared You Can Download anywhere.
11/08/09 - Sorry Mom
11/07/09 - Screening Process of a Successful Serial Killer.
11/06/09 - I Kept It Mom
11/05/09 - It's Not Funny Anymore
11/04/09 - That's What She Said
11/03/09 - You Don't Want to Know
11/02/09 - Funny in My Head
11/01/09 - Halloween is Amateur Night
10/31/09 - Bobo Go Home
10/30/09 - It's Only a Little Damp
10/29/09 - It is All Mine
10/28/09 - Wasn't All it Was Cracked Up to Be
10/27/09 - Beauty in the Eye
10/26/09 - Hazardous Duty
10/25/09 - Snowman = Girlfriend
10/24/09 - Memo to Staff Re: Feet to Floor Contact
10/23/09 - Sad But True
10/22/09 - Working For Family
10/21/09 - Another Balloon Boy Joke
10/20/09 - My Bonnet is not a Costume
10/19/09 - Turnip Garden
10/18/09 - After the Lovin'
10/17/09 - There is Only One Side
10/17/09 - Desperate Times and All
10/16/09 - Three Strikes
10/15/09 - My Sucky Sucky Joke
10/14/09 - Girding that Thing That You Gird
10/14/09 - Wasn't Me
10/13/09 - Shy Bladder
10/13/09 - Unemployed Beat Poet
10/12/09 - Does He Doesn't He
10/12/09 - Sterile is Gross
10/11/09 - 2 Out of 3
10/11/09 - End Times Are Near
10/10/09 - Hair gel
10/10/09 - Toothpaste
10/04/09 - Lunch
10/03/09 - That's One Problem I'll Never Face
10/02/09 - Tips and Tips Alone
10/01/09 - It Sucks to Blow
09/30/09 - Not Guilty
09/29/09 - Wrong Reasons
09/28/09 - Rodney the Red Eyed Elf Proctoligist Roach
09/27/09 - Celebrity America's Got talent
09/26/09 - Daddy's Baby
09/25/09 - Endlessly Rewritten Still Not Right
09/24/09 - Just a Test
09/23/09 - To Observe and Report
09/23/09 - Don't Share Everything
09/22/09 - Quick with a Joke
09/20/09 - $5.99 and the Hot Tea is Free
09/19/09 - What If Mind Meant Legs
09/18/09 - I Figured It Out
09/17/09 - Stop Me if You've Heard This
09/16/09 - Mom Knows Best
09/15/09 - They Write Themselves Sometimes
09/14/09 - Another Job I Won't Get
09/13/09 - The Chapman Account
09/12/09 - Fool Me Once
09/11/09 - How Do You Compete With That
09/10/09 - It's All in the Presentation
09/09/09 - Day Off
09/08/09 - MMM Bacon
09/07/09 - Thanks J.K. Harris
09/06/09 - Help Wanted
09/05/09 - Welcome Home
09/04/09 - Stirring the Kettle
09/03/09 - Unforgetable, That's What I Am
09/02/09 - And the Winner is...
09/01/09 - Sponsored By A Cool Dead Person
08/31/09 - Great Expectations
08/30/09 - The Kindness of Strangers
08/30/09 - What the...
08/28/09 - Too Close to Home
08/27/09 - That's My Story
08/26/09 - Thanks Mom
08/25/09 - Fluids is Fluids
08/24/09 - I Hate Bathroom Attendents
08/23/09 - Better to Pluck it Out and All That
08/22/09 - Tonights the Night or Not
08/22/09 - It could Be Worse
08/20/09 - Sara Loves Animals
08/19/09 - There's No Pleasing Some People
08/18/09 - We'll Be Here All Week
08/17/09 - Oh the Shame
08/16/09 - Shore Leave
08/15/09 - Security Now
08/14/09 - A Gentle Breeze
08/13/09 - I Brought Protection
08/12/09 - Death, Where is Thy Sting? Oh, there it is.
08/11/09 - Chad's Day Off
08/11/09 - Turkies are Not Mans' Best Friend
11/20/05 - It's my birthday
11/17/05 - The eternal optimist
11/17/05 - Public butt kissing
11/17/05 - I eat healthy in my jokes
11/14/05 - What?
11/14/05 - Solving One Problem at a Time
11/14/05 - Just relax. You'll feel a little prick.
11/13/05 - Today I do nothing (yeah right)
11/13/05 - I don't smoke but I bet I die anyway
11/10/05 - Narration by Dr. Hook
11/09/05 - That's not crazy..Is it?
11/06/05 - Just a Joke (for Once)
11/05/05 - Am I Fired Yet
10/30/05 - I don't Want to go out
10/30/05 - Babysitter part 3
10/30/05 - The Babysitter
10/30/05 - The babysitter shows up
10/30/05 - Trick or Treat
10/29/05 - I Hate my Job
10/28/05 - It actually worked one time
10/28/05 - Never debate a rabbit
10/27/05 - Even Vulcans need Arm Candy
10/27/05 - Let's Draw Straws
10/27/05 - Life Goes On
10/21/05 - Let's see what happens
10/19/05 - McThis
10/19/05 - Visual storytelling
10/19/05 - Don't listen to the bird
10/19/05 - Quick with the Quip
10/18/05 - My world and welcome to it
10/17/05 - Shopping with the Mrs.
10/16/05 - Boys night out
10/16/05 - 2nd chances are over rated
10/16/05 - Listen carefully
10/16/05 - Missed oportunities
10/16/05 - Always have a plan B
10/16/05 - It Could be a Party
09/10/05 - Mom's at Work
09/07/05 - No Good deed goes Unpunished
09/06/05 - It tastes like chicken
09/05/05 - Don't feel Guilty
08/27/05 - Stuff I think about the night before my flight
07/21/05 - Mom's Favorite
07/05/05 - By the Hour
07/04/05 - Sweep the Floor
06/30/05 - Band Names.I Got Your Band Names
06/30/05 - I Already Forgot
06/30/05 - Hide and Seek
06/29/05 - Round 1
06/29/05 - Set Them free
06/28/05 - Whipped?
06/27/05 - The More Things Change
06/26/05 - Larry can't shake his past
06/25/05 - Let the Game Begin
06/23/05 - I really am sorry
06/22/05 - Show and Tell
06/22/05 - My Greatest Fear
06/21/05 - A Bet is a Bet
06/21/05 - Can You Forgive me Now
06/19/05 - Screwy rabbit.
06/16/05 - Can't Find a Better Man
06/15/05 - We need more reality TV
06/15/05 - Fix the Goat
06/13/05 - My token Michael Jackson Joke
06/12/05 - Inbedded?
06/11/05 - GM troubles affect us all.
06/09/05 - A good Pun or a Terrible Joke. You be the Judge.
06/08/05 - Rollo rolls but never falls.
06/08/05 - No skin diet.
06/07/05 - I'm too cute to forage
06/06/05 - The Love Boat
06/05/05 - Farmer Brown Likes to Shop
06/02/05 - Today at School
06/02/05 - A typical night out
06/01/05 - Love at first charge
06/01/05 - Another day at the office
05/30/05 - Candy from strangers
05/29/05 - First Love
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Brad Sucks
