All comics by stormcloud

Profile

 

by stormcloud
1-29-01
Hmm, doctor. I think I need some more testing done
No, you don't. Just keep checking your levels, and let me know what they are like in 4 days. That is, if you're not in a coma.
Seriously, doc. I feel like ass.
Be cool, daddy-o. If you're lucky, I might actually let you see a real doctor. Well, then again, maybe not.
Doc, my levels are way above normal. Dammit! Do something productive!
Gee, that's rough. Well, that's what you get when you have an HMO. Sorry I can't be of more help, but I have to prepare for Yog-Soggoth. He really hates it when his bedpan is dirty.

 

by stormcloud
1-29-01
"Dear Mr. Friedman. We regret to inform you that we're suing your ass, cause, well, we can. So there. *phbbt*"
Dude. That sucks ass.
Dammit. And I was having such a good day, too.
Yeah, well. Um. I'm suing you too.
Why?
Cause I'm evil, yo.

 

by stormcloud
1-31-01
Hi. I deposited money here last week, and its not in my account. Can you help me?
No. Sorry. Go away.
But you're my bank! I trust you to hold my money for me! It's an American institution!
Yeah, well. Fuck off. Yes. I think you should fuck off, right now.
Fine. I will just hammer nails in my head, until you find my money.
Hi! I'm your friendly account representative! If you could just follow me into the room marked "Sound-Proof" I'd be happy to help you...

 

by stormcloud
1-31-01
Um. I can't reach any of our IP restricted tools. Are we having any issues?
Yes. Without informing anyone, we changed the Firewall IP Address. So there.
Um, ok. Hey! What's this error message, telling me the site im visiting is restricted?
Oh, that. Yes, because we hate you, we are now using a Net Nanny program, to increase productivity, and reduce unneccessary surfing. And if you don't like it, go screw.
But that makes no sense! I work in the Web Hosting division! How am I supposed to tech out calls, when I have no access to any of my tools!
Got me. Maybe you should just ignore the customer. Then they would go away.

 

by stormcloud
1-31-01
Oh look. I owe someone else money. How unsuprising.
Uh-oh. Whatever shall you do?
Well, I guess I'll just throw out the letter. It's not like I can fuck up my credit anymore.
That's a really bad idea.
Well. Fuck you.
Yeah, well. Your mom.

 

by stormcloud
2-01-01
Welcome to The United Church of America(tm). I'm your new President, and I hate you. I also hate non-Christians. And inner city youth. And poor people. And anyone who isn't Texan.
Texas, huh? My god, son. Only two things come from Texas. Can I call you Private Cowboy? You sure do have a purty mouth.
Yes, I soon will rule this country with...Wait. What did you say?
I said, pucker up sweetcheeks. I'm going to fuck you, like you're fucking this country
I...Um...I have to go now. My dad's waiting to tell me how to run this country, and do all the things he wasn't allowed to.
Woo! Shake that Booty! Go on now, back that ass up!

 

by stormcloud
2-01-01
What are *you* doing?
What are *you* doing?
Waasssup?
Waassup?
Wasabi!
Shut up.

 

by stormcloud
2-01-01
What are *you* doing?
I'm bringing Democracy to Cuba. Then I thought I'd complete Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony". Then maybe later, I'll give birth.
No, you don't get the joke. What are *you* doing?
Calculating Pi to the 20th decimal. Then sacrificing your first born to my dark god.
Are you retarted? Don't you get the joke? What are *you* doing?
Hmm. To be honest, I'm thining about punching you in the nuts, till you puke blood. Than doing the two-step on your head.

 

by stormcloud
2-02-01
I'm suing MTV. My kid watched their show, and imitated what they did. Just because they were using a fire-proof suit, doesn't mean my son, who doesn't have a fire-proof suit, can't immolate himself.
Hmm. So they had a military grade fireproof suit, and lit themselves on fire, knowing they'd be protected, but your son, not having a suit, did it anyway?
Yup. And it's all their fault. Never mind the fact that I'm a dumbass parent, for not talking to my kids, about how lighting yourself on fire is a bad idea. I'm blameless.
And what's the name of the show again?
"Jackass"
I'll bet you are.

 

by stormcloud
2-02-01
So anyway, I'm thinking about getting into real estate.
Do tell. I myself was just checking out the latest market reports.
Yes, it seems like the market is ripe for takeover. The stars seem to be in proper alignment.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
What the fuck was that?
Gas. Sorry.

 

by stormcloud
2-05-01
My rule is supreme! Just look at what my enemies dare say about me!
Hi. Do you know me? I'm Dick Gephardt, House Minority Leader. Please kill me. I can't stop this monster. He's got the House, he's got the Senate. He can do whatever he wants.
Hmm. The American People don't like my proposed tax cut. Well, fuck them. I don't care what they think. But I will use a family to my own benefit, to show what a nice Overlord I am
So let me get this straight. People don't like your plan. So instead of listening to them, you're going to pretend to have breakfast with a poor family, so that the media can have a Photo Op of you.
Yes. I hope to show that I really am a "People Person". As in I'm a Person, and I hate People.
I weep for my Nation. Will this Hellish nightmare never end?

 

by stormcloud
2-06-01
Oh God! No! No! The End Is Nigh! God save us all!
What the fuck are you talking about?
Haven't you heard? Don't you listen to the news? Have you been under a rock! I have to get to the store!
Again, numb nuts, what the fuck are you talking about?
It's gonna snow! That never happens in New England! I have to go to the store! The News said there might be a shortage on liver oil! I have to stock up!
Hold still. This will hurt. A lot.

 

by stormcloud
2-07-01
Wow! Isn't this club great! I'm wearing black, so I must be Goth. Hey-you're not wearing black. What are you, some kind of freak?
Yes, you've figured out my horrible secret. I'm actually an undercover spy for the Federal Bureau of Whitehats.
But wow! I mean, wow! Doesn't this music totally kick ass! I feel compelled to dance, only because I have the vaguest idea of who this band is.
Hmm. Yes, it seems to have that effect on the weak minded. However, I think the rotation needs to be changed, when even the bouncers know whats coming next.
Holy crap! That girl isn't wearing any clothes! Is that normal? My god! I can see her boobs! I'm gonna bring all my friends here next week, so we all can stare at her chest!
And that your Honor, is when I had to do it. For the sake of the future of humanity, I couldn't allow him to breed. Yes, I regret my actions, but i'd do it all over again. For the children.

 

by stormcloud
2-08-01
Hi. I was diagnosed with Diabetes, and when I bought my neato keen "Stick Your Finger Until You Bleed Everywhere-O-Meter"(tm), I was told it wasn't covered by my insurance. Can I get reimbursed?
Let me think for a minute...Ok, I've thought it over. My answer? No. So there.
What? That makes no sense! It's a piece of medical equipment, that my doctor needs me to have! How can you, my medical insurance company, not cover it?
Easy. We're evil. Duh. Haven't you figured this out yet? Damn, you're slow. We don't care about you. You humans, you are so easily duped.
But that's not fair! How...wait. "We humans?" Ah! You're not an insurance company! You're an evil alien race, come to take over the planet, and eat our brains!
Well, shit.

 

by stormcloud
2-09-01
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair
Yo. I'm a pieman. Check out my mad pies.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Dude. You're blocking my way to the fair.
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

 

by stormcloud
2-11-01
Simple Simon met...
...a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman, unto Simon-
"Pies, you dickhead."

 

by stormcloud
2-12-01
Yes, H&R Block? Can you do my taxes for me? Im just a simple Internet Technician, and although I can program a router faster than you can blink, these tax laws confuse the shit out of me.
HAHAHAH! Bow down before me, worm! I hold you life in my little hands..um..paws! You are completly under my power! My power is beyond your understanding! Without me, you are nothing! Nothing!
Wait a minute! You're not an accountant! You're just a fucking squirrel! Shouldn't you be hibernating, and not doing complex mathematics?
Wrong, bucko. I got sick and tired of playing with my nuts. So instead, I'm going to play with yours. Hand over your refund check, or i'll give you rabies.
Hmm. I really need that cash. But I don't want to have rabies. Hmm. Decisions, decisions. What would Cthulhu do?
Well, first, I'd kick your pansy ass, for taking crap from a squirrel. Then, I'd shove your head up your ass, so you and your brain can get real close. And then, I'd knit a sweater.

 

by stormcloud
2-21-01
Holy Bejesus. You guys fucked me. Again. What is your problem? Is it entirely impossible for you, a bank, to keep track of my money? Isn't that what, by its very definition, supposed to happen?
*Beep* Please hold, and the next available representative will assist you *Beep*
What the hell are you talking about? You're right in front of me! How the fuck am I supposed to hold, when i'm not on the phone? Simple question-Where the fuck is my money?
*Beep* Your expected hold time is...6,234,586,123 minutes. For your convience, our office is open Monday thru Friday, from 9:00am to 9:05 am. Now scram, sucker *Beep*
*Beep* By the way, have you heard of our new intrest free loans? All you need to do is swear your undying allegiance to us (as well as this simple little donor form), and you can have your money back
Dude, I am so disillusioned right now.

 

by stormcloud
2-21-01
Gaze upon my mightyness! I am a sports hero! I get paid a bajillion dollars right out of high school, but you, mortal, have to suffer to even hope for a glimmer of the success i take for granted.
Ah, that might explain why you are an illiterate idiot, who thinks he is above the law, and can do whatever he pleases, because we are so dumb, we let you
What you say?
I said, fucknut, im tired of reading about superstars, who gets paid more than some small countries have, and then they go out, and shoot people, and expect to get away with it, because they are rich.
But i'm famous! You can't talk to me that way! I could buy and own your soul twenty times over! Bow down to me!
Right. Just like Dale. While I am saddened by his death, maybe if he had been wearing the proper saftey equipment, he still might be alive today. But no, a man died, all in the name of "sports".

 

by stormcloud
2-21-01
It's You!!
How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive make your time.
Umm...What the fuck language are you speaking? I can't understand what the fuck you are talking about

 

by stormcloud
2-21-01
It's You!! Somebody set up us the bomb!
How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.
Umm...What the fuck language are you speaking? I can't understand what the fuck you are talking about. Please, speak more clearly
Take off every Zig, for Great Justice!
Take off my what? Ok, that's it, squirrel. Get the fuck off my ship, before I decompress your sorry ass.
Bring it kook. You have no chance to survive make your time.

 

by stormcloud
3-27-01
Hey man! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in a while! What's new with life?
Pretty well, I guess. I'm dating two women at once. Its kind of interesting, yet slightly time consuming and annoying. Like, they keep talking about a "Menage A Tois" or something.
Holy shit! That's amazing! How is that annoying or time consuming?
Well, they keep talking about it, but I don't know what they are talking about! I mean, I told them, I don't speak Spanish!
Thank God in Heaven, I had this bottle of lighter fluid and matches on me. Hmm...I wonder if those two girls he was seeing are free tonight...
Oh God! It burns! The pain!

 

by stormcloud
4-06-01
To our beloved creator-
Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you
You're fucking old
Ha-ha
Well, shit.
Note to self: Don't make fun of the guy who controls you.

 

by stormcloud
7-17-01
Um...Hi. I know you hate me, but I need your help. I had 400 dollars in my account, and now the machine says I have only 150
Hmm. Yes, without informing you, or getting your consent, we transferred the money to an unnumbered, unnamed account, somewhere off the coast of Guam. I have a coke habit to feed, you know.
But that's totally illegal! How can you do such a thing! I mean, I know that you aren't human, by any stretch of the word but my God, man!
Your God can't help you now. Haven't you realized yet, that the safest place for your money is underneath your pillow? Hell, why do you think we told the tooth fairy where to find your teeth?
But that doesn't make any sense? The tooth fairy was my mom! I caught her one night, slipping the money under my pillow. I even wrote her a note, thanking her!
See? You lose teeth, which grow back, and we end up paying for it. Christ, some kid kept hitting himself in the face with a baseball bat. We lost more money on that than you can possibly imagine.

 

by stormcloud
12-09-01
So it's that time of year again. Time to be thankful, and grateful for what we have. Of course, when you have nothing, it's hard to be thankful, or grateful.
Oh,come on. You have plenty to be thankful. Think about the 'War on Freedom". Wait. That sounds dumb. What about the "War for Freedom"?
How about "The War on Freedom That We Are Using To Distract Your Attention That We Are Tromping All Over Civil Rights To Get Done What We Want To Get Done?"
No, that's too long. How about "The War to End All Wars"?
We already had that one...
So if we already had "The War to End All Wars', why are we still fighting

 

by stormcloud
12-09-01
So, in this time of strife, against an oppressive nation full of our enemies, what are you thankful for this year?
I am thankful that my leader isn't the spoiled son of a powerful politician from a wealthy oil family who is supported by religious fundamentalists, operates through clandestine organizations...
...has no respect for the democratic electoral process, bombs innocents, and uses war to deny people their civil liberties.
Um. That wasn't what I had in mind son. I was thinking more along the lines of "What do you want for Christmas, little boy?"
Um. I'm Jewish.
Oh! I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Is that treatable?

 

by stormcloud
12-09-01
Afganistan is no more. The ground has been leveled, ownership is now mine. Everything is set for the grand opening of the "Dubya Mall of Freedom." Items not guarenteed to be in stock.
Um. Sir? Isn't the bombing of Afganistan supposed to be about freedom, and justice for what happened? And not for your own, freakish goals?
And what of Osama? Aren't you afraid that he's still around, and going to be planning something even more insidious than your rezoning and annexation of foreign nations project?
Never happen. Our boys over there know exactly where he is. We're just keeping him trapped, until we're ready to bring him to justice. He can't escape my clutches.
Meanwhile, in Ohio...
So, Mr. Laden. What makes you think that you are "Walmart" material?
I'm a hard worker, dedicated, loyal, I'll do what it takes to get the job done, I wouldn't mind sacrificing myself to accomplish my goals, and I love people.

 

by stormcloud
12-09-01
Hello? Can I help you?
Pizza delivery, Ma'am. I've got your extra large sausage here. It's real hot, and warm, just the way you like it.
But I didn't order a pizza!
You didn't? You mean you didn't order this huge slab of beef, to be given to you while its still nice and hard?
No, but hold on, let me put on my high heels and take my bra off, and you can come in.
Oh, wait. This is for the guy next door. Thanks anyway!

 

by stormcloud
12-23-01
You know, this is the holiday season. A time for love, peace, and happiness.
Move it, fuckstick. You're blocking my way.
A time of joy, family, and reflective thought, and being thankful for the true spirit of Christmas...
Look out! Coming through! Get the fuck out of my way!
Capitalism.
Are you in line? I've been here sine 5:30am, trying to get the Mega-Mega-Mega Green Power Ranger, but they're all sold out. Do you have one? I'll give you my firstborn if you do.

 

by stormcloud
12-25-01
Sir? you're crucified in a "no crucifiction" zone. And you're indecent. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.
Don't you know who I am? I'm Jesus Christ, your lord and savior!
Right. And I'm the Pope. Now come on, before I have to mace you.
But I really am Jesus! I died for you sins! I was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans killed me, and I was brought back to give you salvation!
Well, well. New fish. How's it going , fish? You like top, or bottom?
Man, what a shitty birthday.

 

by stormcloud
2-27-02
Hi.
Um..hi.
What's your name?
I have a gun.
Right then. I'll just be backing away slowly.
Why can't I ever find someone to go on a date with?

 

by stormcloud
3-07-02
Hi. I need to make an appointment for a routine dental checkup.
Ok, do you have any insurance?
Yup. Got me the standard Umass studnet insurance.
Oh, i'm sorry. Routine checkups are not covered, only Accidents and Injury.
So let me get this straight. You won't cover a routine checkup, but if I wack myself in the face with this hammer, you'll cover it?
Here. Use mine. It counts as "Durable Medical Equipment Expenses".

 

by stormcloud
3-25-02
I'm sorry Jared, but we're going to have to let you go. Workforce reductions, and all. You know how it is, right? But before you go, sign these forms.
Why do I have to sign all these forms? I can't even understand all this legal mumbo jumbo
RIght, but if you sign all these forms, we'll give you this big fat bag of cash. Free. All yours. Go nuts. Buy lots of stuff. Get a hooker. Get two hookers, we don't care.
Huh? So let me get this straight. You say you can't afford to pay me my crappy ass salary, so instead you are going to fire me, and give me three times as much as you would have paid me?
Yup, that's pretty much it, in a nutshell.
I love you, Tooth Fairy.

 

by stormcloud
10-31-02
Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!
What the hell are you supposed to be?
I'm an axe murderer. Duh. It's a very cunning disguise. Now give me some candy, or i'll chop your arm off. I have an addiction to feed.
I don't have any candy. I'm a diabetic.
Well, shit. Now what?
I could just kick you in the nuts. While it might not feel as good as getting high off of a Zagnut bar, it would make me feel a whole lot better.

 

by stormcloud
12-10-02
Woohoo! I'm done! The semester is over!
Wait. Don't you still have work to do?
Like what?
Well..like your 10 page paper due thursday, your 8 page paper also due thursday, your 10 page final due next thursday, your 10 page final due next friday, your 10 page final due next monday?
Fuck.
Yeah, that about sums it up.

 

by stormcloud
8-22-03
Hi there. I just got my bill, and I need to appeal my financial aid. Can you help me?
Sure. Just fill out these forms in triplicate, and we'll need your driver's license, your last pay stub, your bank statements, and your first-born child.
Five Hours Later...
Ok, here you go. I filled out all your ridiculous forms, photocopied my waller, and signed over Billy to you. Now can you help me?
Well, even though you got unemployment, and that in no way reflects the fact that you are broke, we can't help you. In fact, I'm going to charge you for just talking to you.
Then what the hell am I going to do now? You raise the price of tuition, cancel classes, shorten my financial aid, and then expect to pay when i'm obviously broke? What am I supposed to do?
You know, I have no idea. Nor do I care. My only advice is to quit school, and go back to work. Of course, you could always become a pimp. I hear they make the mad bling, yo.

 

by stormcloud
8-22-03
Hi there. I just got my bill, and I need to appeal my financial aid. Can you help me?
Sure. Just fill out these forms in triplicate, and we'll need your driver's license, your last pay stub, your bank statements, and your first-born child.
Five hours later...
Ok, here you go. I filled out all your ridiculous forms, photocopied my wallet, and signed over Billy to you. Now can you help me?
Well, even though you got unemployment, and that in no way reflects the fact that you are broke, we can't help you. In fact, I'm going to charge you for just talking to you.
Then what the hell am I going to do now? You raise the price of tuition, cancel classes, shorten my financial aid, and then expect to pay when i'm obviously broke? What am I supposed to do?
You know, I have no idea. Nor do I care. My only advice is to quit school, and go back to work. Of course, you could always become a pimp. I hear they make the mad bling, yo.

 

by stormcloud
9-28-04
Badger, badger, badger, badger.
Mushroom, mushroom?
Badger, badger, badger, badger.
Snake in the grass?
Badger, badger, gasoline can, lighter.
AH! THE INTERNET IS KILLING ME!

 

by stormcloud
10-29-08
Trick or Treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat. Or I'll stab you.
I'm sorry, I'm a diabetic, and if i hve any sugar I'll have to have my feet amputated.
Wait, what? It's Halloween! You're supposed to have candy! GIVE TO ME SO I CAN GROW LARGE WITH FAT.
Well, I do have diabetic candy. However, if you eat more than one piece, you get diarrhea. So really, the trick is on you.
Uh, no thanks. This is a rented costume.
LOOK AT MY DIGNITY. I CARE FOR YOUR PLIGHT, REALLY.

 

by stormcloud
12-19-08
Oh god, oh god, we're all going to die. I need to get to the store and stock up on canned goods. Who will take care of my babies?
Ok, explain it to me like I'm a six-year old. Why are you running around like it's the end of the world?
You didn't hear? It's going so snow! Gay people are going to marry! It's the total breakdown of societal norms! I need to stock up on food and powdered goods, before everyone else does.
I expect that during the winter an amount of precipitation will fall from the sky. Plus, I'm Jewish, and my ancestors dodged bread for forty years, so I'm good with dodging flakes of iced water.
Wait, you're not here to get food for the impending apocalpyse?
No, I'm here to beat you to death with the last shovel they had at Home Depot.

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