All comics by twofish

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by twofish
1-18-03
Twofish introduces himself.
Hello, my name is twofish. Welcome to "Stolen Art Comics", a comic comprised mainly of the artwork of other cartoonists.
Despite its' obvious lack of originality, I have God as my witness that I wouldn't dream of abusing these wonderful characters, and hope you'll stop by often.
Cripes, what a rip off. I have my own comic to work in. Utterly lame.
And what's with the whole 'God as my witness" commentary? Any idiot can see right through such a hollow pretense. He probably doesn't even believe in God.
Forgive him, he knows not what he does.
Sure, OK. Um... I'll be right back, Lord, I... ah... need to take this sword down to Earth for sharpening. Yea, that's it. Sharpening. No where near twofish's house. Really. Just be a minute...

 

by twofish
1-18-03
twofish ponders the Middle East.
The whole Iraq thing has me bothered. I doubt seriously that Saddam is as big a threat as Bush says he is.
I mean, they are technologically challenged, santioned to the hilt, and their army is pathetic. This is looking more like a fight for oil than a fight for national security.
We know those weapons of mass destruction are hiding in these caves, Saddam! And when we find 'em, we're gonna give you such a whoopin'!
Um... this is Afghanistan, dude. Iraq is further to the left.
Meanwhile...
The power plant is ready to go online! Soon we will be a nuclear power! The U.S. *must* negotiate with us!
Perhaps. You are further to the 'right'.

 

by twofish
1-19-03
twofish considers his Hinduistic beliefs.
I've had my mortality on my mind a lot lately.
It's not that I'm afraid I'm going to die anytime soon, or that I'm even afraid of death; it's that I'm getting older and life seems to have a deeper meaning I've not yet found.
Time should be spent in prayer and contemplation, not dwelling on the eventual outcome. We travel in cycles; we live, we die, and we return to live and learn again.
Life is eternal, and the things in life are temporary. Why should I worry about death, when I will, eventually, find my way to God with His help?
I've sent him another fake lesson plan, Lord...
Good. He's due down here any moment, would you be so kind as to get the coal bed stoked? I hate making my victims wait on their eternal suffering.

 

by twofish
1-20-03
I've been thinking about calling the ex today. She told me I could call her anytime I wanted to talk. I really just want to hear her voice. But she's probably at work, or out with her new boyfriend.
I know, I'm obsessing. What would you expect after six years together? But if we're to be friends, I have to be able to feel free to call her on occasionally.
Meanwhile, across the country...
I need caller I.D.
* ring *

 

by twofish
1-22-03
Sally, this is the President... get me Saddam on the red line right away...
Hello? ... Life insurance? Aluminium siding? AAII-EEE! Infidel telemarketers!
** click **
Hee hee hee...

 

by twofish
1-23-03
Dexx
* knock knock *
...?
Oh my God! It's... DEXX!
Did you really think you could use my artwork forever without paying a royalty? Allow me to introduce my lawyer...
Hey... haven't I seen you somewhere before?
We're a long way from Redmond, Mr. Twofish, and this time I'm NOT here to help you.

 

by twofish
1-23-03
twofish deals with Dexx's attorney.
Well, since I'm going to be sued for royalties, I may as well have you confer with my own lawyer.
Advisable...
In fact, he happens to be here... wait just a moment...
Ahm Johnny Conkrin! If da glove don' fit, you mus' aquit!
Great, no one knows how to turn HIM off, either.

 

by twofish
1-29-03
twofish considers his employment status.
I hate being out of work.
Not that I mind the change of scenery so much, its the fact that a high school dipolma doesn't speak volumes about my knowledge base.
I mean, 15 years experience with PCs, 5 years web design, 5 years Internet marketing, Notes, scripting, help desk... but without that college degree, it's so much talking to the wind.
Well, I'm sure I can come up with something that matches my skillset pretty closely. Life experience has to count for something, doesn't it?
... and, indeed, life experience does count for 'something' ...
I'm here from the temp service... they said you had a position that fits my resume?
Yep, we sure do. You can start by moving those boxes into the other room. We don't need this clutter getting in the way of the server techs.

 

by twofish
1-31-03
The server hocks up a lugey.
Son of a bitch. I swear, these guys have had more downtime than Traci Lords!
404 Not Found - /_vti_bin/_vti_aut/author.exe was not found on this server.
Goddamnit! Why do I insist on PAYING for this crap?!?
W W W dot click-click-click whatthefuckever.
ARRRGGGHH!
Hey, maybe you'll finally get to finish Thief II now.

 

by twofish
1-31-03
While waiting for the server to be repaired, twofish engages in a little deathmatch action.
DIE! Take another frag, you loser!
BOOM! Click-click, tromp. tromp, tromp...
d00d! da4 lam3r 15 fra661n' joob l1k3 mad! 5uxx0r!
50? d3r3 15 m0r3 40 l1f3 4an r0xx0r a4 d3a4hma4ch...
Hmmm, I didn't know MS Money interfaced with Quake...
BOOM! click-click, transferring account information now... tromp, tromp, tromp...

 

by twofish
2-01-03
Today's shuttle disaster.
This is Jerry with FOX News and we have Nancy from NASA on the line...
Hello, Jerry...
Nancy, we're watching the video from our sister station in Texas... what do those streams of falling debris suggest to you?
They suggest you're an insensitive moron, Jerry...

 

by twofish
2-01-03
Man, what a party that must have been... can't remember shit, except for some messed up dream sequence involving a rabbit, a midnight raid on Quiki-Mart's candy isle and a dildo the size of my arm...
... and I only had THIS MUCH to drink! Oh yea, and I had some little microdot thingie early on, then I smoked a couple of joints, and twofish brought over that 'X'...
... still doesn't explain why my anus is bleeding, though.
Hi. You left your underpants in my car last night. Want another blow-pop?

 

by twofish
2-02-03
Another day on CNN...
"... the White House has stated that the Columbia disaster was not the work of a terrorist plot... no present-day anti-aircraft fire could have reached the shuttle at that altitude..."
"... no jet aircraft were close enough to make an effectual attack... NASA has ruled out the possibility of internal sabatage..."
"... with us now is Tom Ridge, director of Homeland Security... Tell us, Tom, how do you think the terrorists could have pulled off this attack?..."

 

by twofish
2-02-03
A couple of people have asked me why I'm represented by a fish in these strips.
This is because I'm a typical Piscean. I'm emotionally driven, insightful, artistic, remorseful and intuitive. I often distain the material for the aestetic, and wear my heart on my sleeve.
...oh, yes, I'm also a high-strung egomaniac with delusions of grandeur, whose plans to conquer the world begin with this innoculous little comic strip! MWAHAHAHA...
Yep. Very typical Piscean.

 

by twofish
2-03-03
twofish goes to hell.
OH, NO! Are you going to tell me everything I've believed all my life - reincarnation, Vishnu, the Vedas, the Om of God - was all a LIE?!?
No, I'm going to tell you that for 23 years, all you've done is THINK TOO MUCH! People are SICK of it! They want to be entertained! They want FUNNY! And now it's too damn late for you to be FUNNY!
... eh? ... You're sure? ... OK ...
The boss says to send you back. He gets more pleasure watching you make people miserable than He has doing it Himself, apparently.

 

by twofish
2-03-03
twofish goes to heaven.
OH, NO! Are you going to tell me everything I've believed all my life - reincarnation, Vishnu...
Oh shut up. I've had to hang here and listen to your bellyaching for 23 years. I could have used some cheering up, you know! No, you're here in layover till the Old Man figures out where to put you.
... huh? ... No, that actually makes sense ...
Washington. Serves you right.

 

by twofish
2-03-03
twofish goes to Washington.
Well, here I am in the nation's capitol... thre must be something going on in town...
Hi, where can I find out what's happining in the area?
You could go to the StripCreator Museum and National Archives, there's some kind of ceremony today involving a bunch of old Internet geeks and outdated software.
The Internet? Oh yea, before neural implants.
Not sure, I wasn't around then. Try asking those throwbacks over there with the old fashioned CD-ROMs on strings around their necks.

 

by twofish
2-03-03
twofish meets up with the past.
Hey, are you with the StripCreator Museum?
No, man, I'm with the Cumbustion Engine Memorial Project. Like, check with the dude in the next panel.
Hi... StripCreator Museum?
r0xx0r, d00d.
Wow, I didn't realize the old website had such an international following.
j00b b b3h1nd m3.

 

by twofish
2-03-03
At last, the StripCreator Museum...
Wow... what happened here?
n3wb t3rr0r1sts. cnt haxx0r th3 anarxst gu1d3 lk3 rl ppl. g0tta B l33t all 0n d3r 0wn. n3wbs g0 b00m h3r3 l33st 0nc3 a w33k.
Hi, I'm Brad Jr., the curator. Welcome to the StripCreator Museum. Please pass closely to the explosive-sniffing chicken before you enter. Thanks.

 

by twofish
2-04-03
My father created this museum so StripCreator would be enjoyed for generations. Our tour starts here, at the Comic Cyrogenics Lab...
... where actual characters are preserved in their natural enviroment. Here we house some early attempts at humor...
My anus is bleeding.

 

by twofish
2-06-03
We are not alone.
The Earthlings are too primitive. They do not have the benefits of our superior society.
Their leaders are corrupt, and seek to manipulate their masses for their own ends.
We should make ourselves known, and lead by our example.
We should instruct and govern them, so that they arrive at a glorious future.
Where do you think we should start the invasion?
Baghdad looks good.

 

by twofish
2-06-03
At the StripCreator Museum...
OH NO! Are you going to tell me ...
Shut up. I'm here on official business today. You're not dead... yet.
Oh. Um... you know, I think I missed a room back here. Excuse me...
Not so fast, buddy. The Man Downstairs wants you to help with the museum.
Since when do you listen to Him? I thought you guys were enemies.
We like to think of ourselves as cooperative competitors. If God was IBM, and Satan was Microsoft, you'd be my newest aquisition. Prepare to be assimilated.

 

by twofish
2-06-03
At the StripCreator Museum.
OK, I guess I have no choice. What is it you guys want me to do?
The museum needs the rest of the old characters placed into the cyrogenic tanks. Your job is to round 'em up and get 'em back here.
You'll have a nice fat expense account, lots of frequent flyer miles and a chance to catch up with old friends. Literally.
And if I refuse?
Note the title of this series. Would you like it to have nine parts, or do you want to stretch it out a little?

 

by twofish
2-06-03
twofish sets off on his quest to find the other StripCreator characters, entice them back to the museum, and get them into cyrogenic stasis for the next, oh, thousand years.
Well, that's the last time I take travel tips from NASA!
First stop: Baghdad, war-torn city of penniless refugees still angry at the U.S. for bombing the daylights out of their country and convincing the world to convert to hydrogen fuel-cell technology.
I don't believe it. You sanction us, bomb us, take away the value of our only resource... and now you want to preserve us?
I'll admit it's an unexpected swing to the left. But we're both endangered species if you don't.

 

by twofish
2-08-03
Somewhere... else.
Look, you have to come back to the museum with me! If you don't, I'm going to end up part of the seafood special at Red Lobster.
Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't. I have a career! Explodingdog is launching their own anniversary soon, it won't get far without me involved!
PLEASE! I'm BEGGING you! I'm too YOUNG to die!
No you're not! You're 65 YEARS OLD! The only thing an old cod like you is good for now is decorating the wall over some guy's mantle!
... thre's nothing I can do to change your mind?
Well... lie down on that plaque on my workbench, and I'll think about it.

 

by twofish
2-08-03
twofish travels the globe, but despite his best efforts, none of the other StripCreator characters are the least bit interested in being frozen in stasis on his behalf.
No.
No.
'WHEN A MAA-AAN LOVES A WOMAN!' ...
Hmm, perhaps this one won't be missed.

 

by twofish
2-09-03
'kajun' appears due his appropriate garb. Any similarity is wholly coincidental. ;-)
'Ay, laddie! Wot th' 'ell 'appened to ye?
Got me in a fight with O'Reilly. I'd 'ave won if'in I weren't so be-schnookered.
O'REILLY? Th' bloke's only four feet tall! 'E must 'ave 'ad somthin' in 'is 'and to do all o' that to ye!
Aye. Took it to me with a shovel, 'e did.
A SHOVEL! Hahhahhah... and, I trust you 'ad somethin' in your 'and as well?
Aye, and a beautiful thing it t'was, too... but that particular part o' Mrs. O'Reilly ain't much use in a fight.

 

by twofish
2-09-03
Due to the protests of certain individuals, we must now present a comic for the CC169 competition that has a CORRECTLY immitated Scottish accent.
My ignorant American ass sat through at least TEN episodes of the original 'Star Trek' series in order to get this right; however, no amount of discomfort is payment enough for the transgression.
Therefore, I present this comic, with a CORRECTLY immitated Scottish accent, and humbly apologze to Londoners everywhere for making them look like a bunch of drunkin cross-dressers in short skirts.
* BEEELCH *

 

by twofish
2-13-03
The way things are.
Dear Sir, We regret to inform you that, at this time, all positions have been filled within our employ.
Your resumè will be retained on file for one year, at which time we urge you to resubmit ...
... since, if you had any chance of getting hired, we'd have told you to come in for an interview instead. We appreciate your interest in our company ...

 

by twofish
2-19-03
twofish gets his wish.
I am the Mystical Mike of Magic! I shall grant you three wishes!
Buzz off. All you're going to do is screw me over, take something I really really want and twist it around so I'm even more miserable than I am now.
But I am a magic microphone! I can make your fondest dreams --
Grant yourself a wish and get a life.
Crap.

 

by twofish
2-19-03
twofish goes home.
I am the Mystical Mike of Magic!
WHAT!?
I will grant you three wishes! Anything you want!
OK, wish #1: I wish you were a plain, ordinary microphone, with enough juice coursing through your cord to make David Lee Roth horny.
Right.

 

by twofish
2-19-03
Later that evening...
I am the Mystical Mike of --
Didn't I just short circut you in the last strip?
Um, yes you did. It's the immortal genie syndrome.
Fine. I still got two wishes left then, huh?
Moments later...
I hope you're happy.
For my third wish, I'd like you to go play in traffic.

 

by twofish
2-19-03
The next day...
Not YOU again?!
Look, man, I didn't screw up ONE wish yesterday. You really blew it.
OK, so what are you peddling now?
Nothing. You blew your wishes, now I'm just a mike in need of a job.
That evening...
'WHEN A MA-AN LOOVES A WO-MAN!...'
Ya know, I really should have listened to him in the first strip.

 

by twofish
2-20-03
twofish meets Butch.
'sup, Butch.
Man, go away. You're a cantankerous old geezer who's too sardonic for their own good - or anyone else's. You bring me down, man.
Gee, thanks. I always liked the higher levels of cerebrealism *you* eschew as well, you underachieving ne'er-do-well.
Me? A likely canidate as poster child for educative reformation? Hmm, let me think... no, it's not worse than being a curmudgeon hell-bent on self-emasculation, so I'll take it.
Self-emasculation?! Are you insinuating that my inner turmoil renders my ego as tattered banners of id and self-image, reflective of my percieved surroundings?
No, I'm saying if you continue to piss me off, you're going to end up wondering why you did.

 

by twofish
2-26-03
twofish has a birthday.
Another year older.
I suppose I can now be considered 'middle aged'.
Which doesn't mean I'm at the midpoint of my life. Oh, no.
'Middle Aged' has a far more significant meaning.
It means I can remember the Middle Ages.

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