I was in Circulation, explaining my failure to migrate their horrible website to the new server, when the department head offered me a bagel. There was a styrofoam plate of them sitting on top of a two-drawer filing cabinet that I happened also to be sitting on. Reflexively, I said "no, thank you," as always, and then realized I hadn't had solid food since yesterday afternoon. So I revised my statement and took the plainest-looking one I could find.

Footnote to bagel makers: I don't want a blueberry bagel. I don't want an onion garlic rosemary bagel. I really don't want an orange mango bagel. Apparently, the bagel-eating world is with me on this one, because plain bagels are hard to find, while the exotic Frankensteinian golems abound. You may argue that people buy them. Well, that's because you're out of plain ones.

So I went back to my office and tucked into this presumably plain bagel and discovered one of the most complex breads ever broken. In one bite-- onion! In another-- cinnamon! And could these be bits of walnut? I sure hope they're not bits of cockroach! And an overall taste of used teabags.

What I have here must be a "harvest bagel." That's where they take yesterday's unsold bagels and, via a process more like sausage making than bakery, create a brand new kind of bagel, plain-looking but filled with unwanted memories, sort of a garage sale in your mouth. I don't think they actually put used teabags in there, but I wouldn't be too surprised.

Beware.

---
What others say about boorite!

No, there are plenty of plain bagels around. Unfortunately, the bozos who pick out assortments to bring to the office fail to give them their proper due.

==Ken (whose dozens to go usually consist of about 6 plain, 3 poppy, 2 sesame, 1 egg, and a multi-grain)

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I have never in my life eaten a bagel.

You fuckers can take your carbo-laden bagels and cram them up your carbified asses, you carbie motherfuckers!

*sob*

On the bright side, I've lost 16 pounds in 4 weeks.

---
"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

I seem to have lost weight since I moved into my new flat 6 weeks ago. I've dropped to 9 stone 12. Maybe it's because I now live like four floors up. Or possibly it's because I keep forgetting to eat.

oh those harvest bagels are RANK!!!!!

I do however like blueberry bagels and those cranberry orange ones. It's kinda like thanksgiving dinner all in one.

---
Women are fisher's of men because we all know.... The small ones you throw back. The medium ones you eat. The large ones you mount.

quote:

---

oh those harvest bagels are RANK!!!!!

I do however like blueberry bagels and those cranberry orange ones. It's kinda like thanksgiving dinner all in one.

---

I like it when there's so much crap on my bagel that there isn't any bagel left. It's just a torus-shaped mass of poppyseeds, onion slivers and raisins.

---
100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

quote:

---

On the bright side, I've lost 16 pounds in 4 weeks.

---

I eat bagels all the time and it really gets on my nerves when they're sold out of plain ones. Last week I caved and bought a pack of bagels with sesame seeds. They tasted ok and I thought that perhaps I had found a happy alternative to plain.

However, I soon realised that the downside to sesame seeds are that you can tell pretty easily when you've digested them, or rather, when you haven't.

---
Dad was flammable

I ate some genuine Noo Yawk bagels in, er, Noo Yawk a couple of years ago.

I thought they weren't a patch on the Glasgow ones.

New York bagels are a little on the greasy side.

---
What others say about boorite!

I like salmon lox and plain or veggie cream cheese on an everything bagel with lettuce.

I had a coworker pick one up for me on her way into work last week. I looked forward to that bagel all night beforehand and as I was getting dressed for work that morning. I was so excited when she arrived with my bagel that I had to wait about an hour before eating it because I had tummy flutters.

---
I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

Mmmm ... sliver an onion ...

---
"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

I'm very picky about bagels. Cinnamon and Rasins, with butter melted over it.

I had some sweet cinnamon ones once, those were good. I do prefer plain ones, with some cream cheese on them.

I remember having one kind that was really good, but I don't recall WHAT it was :\
Damn.
MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!

---
Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

I don't quite weigh two of you, but I'm depressingly close. Skinny fucker...

---
This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

There's a place not far from us called The New York Bagelry which does very yummy bagel sandwich type things... various flavours (all quite normal - plain, wholemeal, cheese and chives, stuff like that) smeared with one of a variety of cream cheeses, plus some cold meat and salad. Very very yummy. I was once very silly and took a friend their not long after he got braces put in. He was in agony, but bravely gfinished his bagel. I apologised lots.

---
This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Fav Bagel. Just a simple plain toasted with Phili cream cheese and K-Y jello thank you. Tomato on the side.

---
"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Don't tell me you didn't know about the jello variety.

---
"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Oh, few things in the world are as yummy as a cinnamon bagel, split and toasted, with a little bit of margarine. Yummeeeee...

---
This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Plain and onion. All else eats moose wong. And butter. Actual, started-out-as-a-baby-cow's-breakfast butter.

---
I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

quote:

---

I like salmon lox and plain or veggie cream cheese on an everything bagel with lettuce.

I had a coworker pick one up for me on her way into work last week. I looked forward to that bagel all night beforehand and as I was getting dressed for work that morning. I was so excited when she arrived with my bagel that I had to wait about an hour before eating it because I had tummy flutters.

---

I think the word you were looking for is precious, but ok.

---
I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

What I mean and what I say are often two wildly different things. But I'm pretty sure I meant "sweet".

---
Absorbed directly through the skin.