Okay, ObiJo has come the closest so far to guessing, but more by way of subject proximity than the actual name.

I also tried out an alternative name for a "short" time but it didn't really "stick." I'll give credit if anyone guesses either name.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

More guesses:

Ernie
Cal
Ozzie

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Names:

Marshall
Slim
Shady
Mathers
Ollie
Laurel
Hardy
Moe
Larry
Curly
Abbot
Costello
Eminem
Doc
Russell

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Twiggy!

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This is not my empire.

Little John.

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

Penis names:

The Flopster
Tiny
Webster
Mr. Disappointment
The Lone Ranger
Quark
Li'l Squirt
Boy Toy
The Bored Spelunker
Crusty Gunk McSmegma
Oops

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

Lonely

Tom
Dick
Harry
Some call him...Tim
Beowulf

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Richie?
Bill?
Ben?
Spiderman?
Hulk?
Lee?
Wolverine?
Logan?
Venom?

FTC 14: Disappeared Beard by MikeyG 12-18-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly-dee... What do you think about me shavin' the beard, man? I mean, when was the last time you saw a clean shaven Jesus?

FTC 14: Vertically Challenged by MikeyG 12-18-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. I was going to ask you to make me taller, but standing next to you I feel huge. Bugger that, can you help me down, mate? I've got to go scare the living shit out of some 'Thomas' guy in a couple hours.

Next of Sin by MikeyG 12-18-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. Jesus, I... Stop right there. I'm actually Bejesus, Jesus' bastard cousin. I can only turn bread into pumpernickel, water into wine coolers, and make the blind merely very near-sighted.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Still no correct answer for Mr. Happy.

I think boinky gave my favorite answer so far.

Awards will be handed out late Friday night.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Santa or Satan.

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Poop.

One eyed monster
*Hasn't come out from hiding
Hiliary Clinton

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...and pain joined his urge to percieve...

FTC #14 - The Antibody of Christ by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 12-18-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. So for hogging the limlight in the school play, your dad said you had to die for our sins? Yeh. Thatll teach me to play god.

FTC #14 - Goodwill to all aMen by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 12-18-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. So for beating him over 18 holes of golf, your dad said you had to die for our sins? Yeh. Thatll teach me to play god.

FTC #14 - In the Name of the Father Dowling Investigates. by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 12-18-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. So for inventing a board game about him, your dad said you had to die for our sins? Yeh. Thatll teach me to play god.

And my penis guess : Stumpy (Or Stimpy dependant on how much influence the cartoon had on you)

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

The pope

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...and pain joined his urge to percieve...

I'd like each one of my incorrect guess to count as -25 against me since I haven't started my christmas shopping yet and want there to be ZERO chance I win this contest. In that spirit:
[list]
[*]Peter Park-it
[*]Peter Gozinya
[*]Wonder Dong
[*]Wandering Dong
[*]Wonder the Wandering Dong
[*]Dong the Wandering Wonder
[*]Wander the Dongering Wong
[*]Donger the Wongering Donder
[*]Wong Dong, who partakes neither in Wandering, Wondering, or Donging, and he'd appreciate it if you didn't suggest as such and furthermore that you'd get off his wife
[*]Dong Wong, chinese half-brother of Don Juan
[/list]

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Peter
Paul
Mary
Beast
Cyclops
Angel
Havoc
Thor
Dr. Doom
Doc Ock
Brock
Flash
Winky
Little Bo Peep
Cranny Hunter
Pyro
Sunspot
Cannonball
Captain
Reed
Thing
Vision
Man-Thing
Spawn
Batman
Bruce
Dick
Ned
Clark
Superham
Groo
Conan
Red Bone-ya
Magneto
Rogue
Storm
Jesus?

Okay, tell us, dammit!

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Prof. Penis?

Nightcrawler

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

mmyers: if you got my email, then ignore it. i messed around with my internet settings and fixed the problem. thanks.

[hr]

The Truth AwardThis would really happen

Goes to: IB_XC

For the Comic:

FTC #14: Holy Shit by IB_XC 12-16-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. I brought some white lilies for you, Lord. Do you have any eggs for me? You're four months early and you've got the wrong guy. I'm going to have to talk to Dad about this whole forgive-everyone deal.

The Kaufman (Best Pun)

Goes to: who else? kaufman

For the Comic:

FTC 14: A Day in the Life by kaufman 12-15-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church. Would you care to make a donation? Sure. Do you take Pa-pal?

Funniest Politically Incorrect

Goes to: niteowl

For the Comic:

FTC #14 : A Lowdown Dirty Deal by niteowl 12-17-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. Did you save the Polly Perky Tits doll for me? Yep. Did you bring the Paris Hilton video?

Most Obscure

Goes to: Xuanwu

For the Comic:

FTC #14: You're the great Jesus Christ by Xuanwu 12-15-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. Jesus, you just won't believe the hit you've made around here. You are all we talk about, the wonder of the year... When I get back, Neeley and Webber are going to get a crucifix where I don't shine.

unless you're referring to Cam Neeley (I think he spelled his Neely) and Chris Webber, then, no, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about

The Tobor AwardFor funniest Inside Joke

Goes to: xxxausrottenxxx

For the Comic:

you all saw it coming by xxausrottenxx 12-16-03

Happy Birthday Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. i want mommy to come back agh kid this really isnt my territory, now wheres that elf, i needs me my jizz turrets

i have a soft spot in my pants--no, heart--for "jizz turrets"

I also considered k_v_k for his "staring at my crotch" line, but that's more of a fourth wall thing.

Best Title TIE

Goes to: Perm for all three of his, but especially [Click to view comic: 'FTC #14 - The Antibody of Christ'] and MikeyG

For the Comic: [Click to view comic: 'FTC 14: Butch Casts-it-Deep and the Bumdance Kid']

Best Rule Smasher

Goes to: mmyers

For the Comic: [Click to view comic: 'FTC #14- May old acquaintances be forgotten']

Silver Award of Excellence

Goes to: ObiJo both because you didn't WANT to win and because I thought Jesus overexplained the joke

For the Comic: [Click to view comic: 'Didn't we just have his blood with spaghetti?']

Psychic Award

Goes to: MikeyG

For the Comic: [Click to view comic: 'FTC 14: Butch Casts-it-Deep and the Bumdance Kid']

My comic: see above comic--pretty much the same idea

I Fart In Your General Direction Award (Best Use of Python)

Goes to: Xuanwu

For: [Click to view comic: 'FTC #14: Jethuth Chritht!']

Creativity Award TIE

Goes to: kaufman and mmyers

For the Comics: [Click to view comic: 'FTC 14: Job-Related Hazards']
[Click to view comic: 'FTC #14- Real Time! with your host, Jesus.']

Zinger Award (And the next host of FTC)

Goes to: MikeyG

For the Comic:[Click to view comic: 'Next of Sin']

Using "Beejesus" made me fall out of my chair, plus the rest of the punchline is pretty funny. I know you just hosted #13, but you deserve #15.

[hr]

And now the moment you've all been waiting for.....

The name I gave my penis was...

Kyle (although I also tried out Pedro)

sorry, no bonus points were awarded, but i enjoyed the guesses. yes, i suck, but not more than wirthling.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Err... umm... Jesus's dialogue WAS the joke.

But thanks for not picking me (and for a fun contest).

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

quote:

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Most Obscure

Goes to: Xuanwu

For the Comic:

FTC #14: You're the great Jesus Christ by Xuanwu 12-15-03

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present. That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others. ...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and... For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker. Jesus, you just won't believe the hit you've made around here. You are all we talk about, the wonder of the year... When I get back, Neeley and Webber are going to get a crucifix where I don't shine.

unless you're referring to Cam Neeley (I think he spelled his Neely) and Chris Webber, then, no, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

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Umfum, you just better not make a really funny comic for FTC 15, or this will get ridiculous.

Thank you, one and all, seriously. I love this site, and I like pretty much each and every person here, regardless of how much ass you may or may not suck.

I'm going to have the new FTC up probably on Monday the 22nd, and I'll extend the contest into the next weekend because of the holiday.

Happy Holidays, everybody!

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Obscurity is in the eye of the nonbeholder.

Thank you, Ken. In a semi-related story...

I make a motion that the "Best Pun" Award be known as "The Kaufman" from now on.

Of course, I also want the "Most Ironic" Award to be known as "The Morrissette," so maybe I'm just full of shit.

IMHO, we also need "Worst Pun" and "Fourth Wall" Awards. Maybe I should quit running my yap and make them.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

quote:

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It was Ted Neeley and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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