FTC #17: Bottled up Rage by Zaster 1-04-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Is this where I'm supposed to throw this Molotov cocktail at your news van? Shh! Not out loud!

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

FTC #17: Blame It On The Gamers by UnknownEric 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Grand Theft Auto. I thought as much.

FTC#17: Eric's Obligatory Music Geek Comic by UnknownEric 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? We wuz at a Jesus and Mary Chain concert... Say no more.

FTC#17: Advertising Slogans Gone Wild by UnknownEric 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? My shirt says, "Just do it." Oh yeah!

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I has a flavor!

But it probably took extra innings by kaufman 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? The Detroit Tigers beat Rodney King

They are, after all, two of the leading causes of riots.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

FTC 17: Slow News Day (of the Dead) by flickguy 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Braaaaaaains!

More later -- I think I had another idea... but now I can't remember it.

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This is not my empire.

quote:

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My guess = Zoot Suit Riot by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

FTC 17- Dogs and cats living together/ mass hysteria by mmyers 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? I-I-I just removed this stop sign in the background a-a-and cars just started plowing into each other. Who knew New York's transit system was so fragile? Who indeed.

FTC 17- I should be allowed to think by mmyers 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Oh cruel fates that ever there should a news sign that feels empathy, oh cruel deeds that... Shhhh.

Riot Act by Elvis Costello is a good song, although not 80s pop metal.
Wasn't there a Dead Kennedys' song called Riot?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

FTC #17: Gangs of New York by TheGovernor 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Well you see there were these two gangs, the JETS and the SHARKS...

I'm back, but my FTC-winning ability isn't (actually, it never was) and I think kaufman deserves the Zinger for the Anthrax comic, but I still have a lump of shit to throw at you.

FTC #17: Personally I Don't Mind Them by IB_XC 1-05-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Well Phil, they were trying to film another AT&T commercial starring Carrot Top. A Carrot Top commercial gone bad. The phrase "justifiable homicide" comes to mind. Back to you, Lisa.

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"Oedipus, you motherfucker!"

sonic youth - teenage riot

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--Okay, daddio--

Beastie Boys: "Fiot for Your Riot to be Freeeee!"

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Alrighty everyone...someone has guessed the correct song, so there's no need to make any more guesses.

However, I'm going to make this a cliffhanger and wait until Thursday to reveal the 1up winner when I hand out all the awards. :)

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Weird, i was just thinking about that song by cherry poppin daddies today... thats kinda fucked up, and it wasnt even in relation to this...

kaufman is crazy, the Detriot Tigers couldn't beat anybody

[hr]

and now, the rest of the story...

FTC 17: Riot Here, Riot Now by umfumdisi 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Pat...Sajak... book...signing...

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

And now for something completely different by rtock 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? 3 Letters : P-M-S

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--Okay, daddio--

FTC #17: Yes, but what would Cthulhu do? by Xuanwu 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? People kept going on about "What would Jesus do?" Then someone remembered what Christ did to the merchants in the temple... I see. For more on the subject, stay tuned for our special: "Jesus: Nice Guy or Commie Bastard?"

Kaufman definitely gets the "Best Use of Python" award.

Ha ha ha!! Damn, this contest elicited a lot of really good entries. I'm happy that people took to 'jizz turrets'. I thought it was funny.

This first one is especially for mmyers:

FTC 17: This is Clem Diver, Reporting Live From the Scene by MikeyG 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? *whew!* I'm glad they went to the 'on-the-scene' feed. I needed some air! That's enough talk, file-boy. My pretty posie's petals are closing, so get your ass back down there!

FTC 17: Channel Three Queues by MikeyG 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? I slept with your mom. You must have cut in line, then, man. This happens every time someone can't wait their fuckin' turn!

FTC 17: Mad Cracks: BeYanni the Thunderdome by MikeyG 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Well, a bunch of white people got really mad and started saying stuff like 'Fudge!', and 'Sugar!' because the new Celine Dion CD was sold out. I'm guessing that's when the National Guard arrived en masse and 'broke it up' with prejudice.

FTC 17: Urban Decay by MikeyG 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Am I on camera? I wanna give a shout-out to my boy Bejeezus in the Boogie-Down Bronx! And I gave up my job impersonating Bill Clinton for THIS?

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Special Report by EvilZak 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? An extremist faction is responsible! Their leader said something like "find enough nukes for the rest of the world"! That's horrible, but I do have good news. I just saved on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

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AFROMANS MOVE

They might be able to beat my sons' Little League team...and I stress the word "might".

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

i didnt this joke was already used until i finished this, so...

since when does rioting spur the apocolypse? by xxausrottenxx 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? well i was marching in the gay pride parade when all of a sudden someone broke out the jizz turrets its official folks, this joke just got old!

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck by xxausrottenxx 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? ...no im not giving you any more acid

BOOOM! by xxausrottenxx 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? why do i have to stand in front of this backdrop, its congesting me CUT!

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xx( o Y o. )xx

FTC #17: Reptiles with Potty Mouths by Xuanwu 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? Science has failed us! No one predicted there'd be mutant alligators in the sewers! And now, after years of feeding on human waste, they've decided to go after the source! They feed on human excrement, eh? Guess we should tell [insert name of political figure / institution here] to stay out of town! Ha ha ha!

If anyone can guess the reference, I'll worship them forever. You should be able to get it even, if you don't understand the reference, as long as you've got even a teensy bit of deductive skills.

FTC 17: Some Maniac Unearthed Rioting & Fear by MikeyG 1-07-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? A strange fly started biting people on the ass! Then the people turned purple and started shouting "Gnap! Gnap!" and biting each other's asses. All's not well in the King's Forest...

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

quote:

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This first one is especially for mmyers:

FTC 17: This is Clem Diver, Reporting Live From the Scene by MikeyG 1-06-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? *whew!* I'm glad they went to the 'on-the-scene' feed. I needed some air! That's enough talk, file-boy. My pretty posie's petals are closing, so get your ass back down there!

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quote:

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If anyone can guess the reference, I'll worship them forever. You should be able to get it even, if you don't understand the reference, as long as you've got even a teensy bit of deductive skills.

FTC 17: Some Maniac Unearthed Rioting & Fear by MikeyG 1-07-04

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene. I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started? A strange fly started biting people on the ass! Then the people turned purple and started shouting "Gnap! Gnap!" and biting each other's asses. All's not well in the King's Forest...

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Nice, umfum! But I ALREADY worship you. Now what?

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.