This Actually Happened XV a by Scyess 4-20-07

Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill. Not only did he have the nerve to say something that painfully obvious just for a sound byte, but we, the American press, stroked him off by actually reporting this bullshit. And you, the American public, are actually listening to it! How's that for a steaming pile of crap, folks?

This Actually Happened XV b by Scyess 4-20-07

Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill. This brilliant epiphany came in the wake of the shooting of 38 students at a US university. In other news, in the time it took to report that last story, 3000 people were raped to death in Sudan.

This Actually Happened XV c by Scyess 4-20-07

Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill. When asked what we should do with all those guns, the candidate said, "I dunno. Maybe we could hand them out to children so they can protect themselves at school." When our reporter moved in to ask another question, Obama pulled out a Bowie knife and said, "backoff, nigga! ima cutcha!" Fo' shizzle!

This Actually Happened XV d by Scyess 4-20-07

Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill. In protest, the lobbist group Firearms for the Unstable donated $250,000 to Hillary Clinton. Obama then retracted his statment and personally handed a loaded Baretta to a psychotic. He's expected to recover from his wounds in time to resume his camapaign.

In case you couldn't tell... this actually happened.

---
"Old" is the old new.

Painful Resolutions by Scyess 2-14-07

Congress today proposted legislation to outlaw the sexual practices known as "sadism & masechism", or S&M. Fortunately, the bill was non-binding! AHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? GET IT? Just kidding. Really, every member of Congress will be too busy running for president to do anything for the next 629 days. Mmmm... emigration.

This Actually Happened X]|[ by Scyess 2-15-07

Reporters today asked Barak Obama how he wants to be percieved by black voters. Later, Hillary Clinton was asked at a press conference what her message is to women voters. One guy in the back had the gall to ask whether Americans might be intelligent enough to look past a candidate's demographics and vote on the acual issues. Representives from Ebony, Out, and Modern Woman magazines were quick to respond: "Yeah, right." I sure hope a white male runs so I know who to vote for.

Fill a Minion by Scyess 8-30-07

It's time for the American public to bard our loins for yet another presidential primary. I think you mean "gird our loins." Really? Yeah. Barding our loins would mean wrapping them in bacon. Although, I guess... if you really wanted to... OBJECTION!

A Wordy Comic by Scyess 12-02-07

I have nothing to say. I feel like I should be saying something, since you're here and paying attention. And I like attention. But unfortunately I have nothing of value to impart. Nevertheless, I, unthwarted, will continue to use my lips, tongue, mouth, and lungs to form sounds into words which, though grammatically correct, have no meaning or value whatsoever. Why do I suddenly feel like I'm watching a presidential debate?

Spooge of People Who Will Never Be President by Scyess 2-13-08

Jim! I'm surprised to see you out of jail! Didn't they have pretty strong genetic evidence against you at your latest statutory rape trial? Genetic evidence, yes; against me, no. The spooge on the condom turned out to be... Mike Huckabee's!!! If I ever need to plan a crime, I'm definitely calling you. If you think that was brilliant, wait 'til you hear how I ended up with Mike Huckabee's spooge in the first place.

---
"Old" is the old new.

Stiff upper lip by bankerrap 3-25-08

Somewhere in Britain And now more on the American election What's that? Oh yes. I don't care.

Politics by bankerrap 3-25-08

I checked the file and it's true. Are you sure? Is there nothing we can do? I'm sorry but if a black man or a white woman are up for presidental. The world will explode. How about a black woman? I think we'd be ok. Quick get me a lock of Clinton's hair, Obama's toenail clipping and meet me at the genetic lab in an hour. Hilbarack Obamaton shall exist.

---
At least if the world was flat you could push people you didn't like off the edge.

CC384 (or 383) Roll the die by TheGovernor 3-25-08

McCain As the rebublican candidate I gain plus 20 Evil, Plus 5 conservative values, I get the War Veteran bonus and Im also described as a maverick, so thats minus 5 party values but plus 3 Independance Clinton As prospective Democratic nominee and former first lady I have plus 10 Whitehouse bonus, Plus 30 womens issues, minus 10 silly husband, but I gain plus 5 hillbilly, I also get 10% Novelty value Obama Me? Ive got plus 50 ethnic bonus!

cc384: Campaign Strategy by TheGovernor 3-25-08

So anyways I was walking along here last week when this golf ball hits me smack bang in my right boob That was me, sorry Nah its alright, although it has left an unsightly depression in my silicon implants, do you want to feel it? Sure, but let me first hit this ball onto the putting green. Kaufman fore press her dent!

CC 384: Hope he's not pregnant.

I just know America is ready for a black president. That's why I'm voting for Chad! Oh yeah- I just remembered something I'm supposed to to.

by habnem, 3-25-08

---
- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

CC 384b by habnem 3-25-08

It's 3 a.m. in America... Honey, I have a really bad headache. OK. I'll go get you an aspirin. Your family is sound asleep... !@#$% aspirin bottle! Why do these things have to be so hard to open?! Who do you want in the White House? I'm John McCain, and... hey, is that about me?

---
- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

Groovy! - What If Obama Meant Kite? by edoggydog 3-02-08

Next on Pox News Channel: Today's highlights from the Democratic campaign trail... Groovy! "Today, Mrs. Clinton and Barry Obamma criss-crossed Texas and Ohio to try and reign in last minute votes..." So, I say you all vote for me 'cuz I can gives you HOPE! Know I say-ing, homegrown? YOU BETTER VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE IT'S MY TURN! BESIDES, I KNOW WHAT'S BETTER FOR YOU THAN YOU DO!! NAG!!! NAG!!! Democrats in those two states will most likely detemine who will win the nomination for President... Yes, they'll have to decide if they want the NIGGER or the NAGGER!

Well, folks, the election has been completely thrown for a loop. The front-runner, AngryAmerican suffered in the election because his constituents were too drunk to make it to the polls. RcLG lost support over a trivial matter from his youth dredged up by the press, and the whol thing was sent to the Supreme Court, who said "Fuck it, it's time for lunch" and just handed the position to Scyess, for his comic shown here:

This Actually Happened XV c by Scyess 4-20-07

Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill. When asked what we should do with all those guns, the candidate said, "I dunno. Maybe we could hand them out to children so they can protect themselves at school." When our reporter moved in to ask another question, Obama pulled out a Bowie knife and said, "backoff, nigga! ima cutcha!" Fo' shizzle!

Congratulations, and have fun dealing with the throngs of idiots clamoring for a recount when the candidates are all the same people anyway, just wearing different ties.

---
It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

HCRoyall

Goddammit!  I was only thirteen, and who knew rabbit-cornholing was against the law?  @%#$ Thumper and the Supreeme Court!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! 

Oh, congrats, Scyess.