Tomorrow's News Today by kaufman 8-12-02

My greatest invention yet! The Kaufmic-o-bot will be able to generate hundreds of high-quality comics every minute. I have 504,342 puns on the word "coprophagy." Inputting all of them in the form of comics NOW. I really want to win this contest. Thenkfully, the Roborite-5000 can generate millions of original and funny comics every day. Today I comiced topics from "Aardvark" to "Acropolis." Tomorrow, I will get to "affinity" and beyond! ... incredible spike in volume due to automated communication programs has shut down the entire internet. Oh, thank goodness.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

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"Eat a fucking cock." - attitudechicka

The second of these evolved out of the tantrum in the first. Go figure. As for the first, I figure our Scottidsh friends have had the opportunity to have posted it by now ...

CC 10001000: Games Machines Play by kaufman 8-12-02

3.8 nanosec ... Huh? Why are you all looking at me? It was 3.8 nanoseconds. You must be kidding. *I* have to eat the microchip?

CC 10001000: What's Causing that Racket? by kaufman 8-12-02

Darn it, Jason, I thought I told you to turn out the light when we left. And I did. You have GOT to be kidding! You obviously didn't. Are you blind? Take a look in there, and tell me what you see. It was OUT, I tell you, O-U-T, OUT! Get that through your pointy little head. And get yourself a seeing eye dog. Sony recalled its McEnrobots today, saying that when brought into close proximity with one another, they're likely to destroy each other. I hope they had no-fault insurance.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Dagnabbit. The second of those is particularly galling in its goodness.

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Absorbed directly through the skin.

CC 10001000 by DMSO 8-12-02

o/` o/` # o/"o/ o/` - o/"o/ o/`# o/` YOU ARE RIGHT, DR. P. HE DOES PLAY THE BEST HUMAN SOLO TOBOR HAS EVER HEARD!

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Absorbed directly through the skin.

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"Eat a fucking cock." - attitudechicka

CC 10001000: Metal up your ASCII by lara7 8-13-02

Are you fucking kidding me? 10001101 was the greatest metal vocalist ever! No way! 11011011 laid the groundwork for hacks like 10001101! Besides, 10001101 de-fragged his rival 10111 and then replaced his head with a Timex Sinclair! Now that's evil! We'll never agree on this. We should just ask the groupies to settle it once and for all. 10 minutes later ...So, what's your opinion? I don't measure "best" by quality of the vocals, but the size of a guy's processor. So I'd have to say 111001 beats them both.

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When they invent BookFace, I'm -there-.

Okay, there's this one:

CC 136: Mastur-mate 2000 by Scyess 8-12-02

Based on the premise that women have vibrators but men have nothing, I've invented the first auto-stimulation product for men. Bring it on! I'd love to see it. GREETINGS, PUNY MORTAL! I AM THE MASTUR-MATE 2000! HOW MAY I MANUALLY STIMULATE YOUR FRAGILE MALE PARTS? AAAAAAAHHHH!!! I can't figure out why my test subjects keep fleeing like that. PERHAPS MAKING SEX TOYS OUT OF SURPLUS MILITARY ANDROIDS IS NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL.

...and then there are all these. Like Pringles or midgets, you can't stop with just one!

CC 136: Complaints by Scyess 8-12-02

Um, excuse me, is this the complaint department? *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU Yes, well, this toaster I bought the othe day seems to be -- *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU The new complaint department is less cordial, but it looks like the results will be about the same. *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU

CC 136: Quit Complaining by Scyess 8-12-02

I hate that customers have been dehumanized to the point of automating even the most fundimental interaction. *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU I refuse to accpet this! I will be heard, oh, yes... no matter how far I have to go! *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE MANAGEMENT OFFICE I AM THE MANAGER MAY I HELP YOU *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE MANAGMENT...

Thanks to boorite for inspiring this one...

CC 136: Quit Whining Already by Scyess 8-13-02

Dammit! I'm sick of being given the run around by the store about their crappy products. I'm going to call the manufacturer and give them a piece of my mind. *RING* HELLO THANK YOU FOR CALLING TECH SUPPORT WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM I SEE I THINK THE PROBLEM MUST BE ON YOUR END *RING* HELLO THANK YOU FOR CALLING TECH SUPPORT WHAT...

CC 136: What, Are You Still Here? by Scyess 8-13-02

**RING RING** Dammit, those corporate assholes are going to blow a gasket when they read that scathing complaint letter about their service! Hello? Hi! We here at Company Corp. just got your e-mail! We're terribly sorry about the service you've been getting! A full refund will be automatically applied to your credit card. Haha! Just kidding. I think we all know what actually happened... throw exception( message ); type=e-mail; subtype=customer; classification=complaint; action=delete;

[Click to view comic: 'CC 136: Take the Bloody Hint Already']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 136: Results?']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 136: Clever Escape']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 136: Blantant Tie-In']
[Click to view comic: 'The SemiGlorious Return of LFooaC Man after a Real Absence']
[Click to view comic: 'Schadenfreude']

If anyone cares to read more about the history and antics of LFooaC Man, you can read his story starting here and ending (with some irrelivant comic interruptions in the middle) at the comic entitled "The QuaziGlorious Return of LFouaC Man after No Real Absence." Enjoy!

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"Old" is the old new.

not dead yet.

Just mostly dead

CC 10001000: I really don't know what this means. by Ranma_X. 8-13-02

Oh yeah baby...Just like that I still don't know why this turns you on, but 40 bucks is 40 bucks Shut up bitch! Come here and let me drive that nail in myself... Steve! Help! All Right! Now what have I told you about touching the staff?! Aw baby, where ya gots ta go?

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-working towards a worse tomorrow.

I don't know why I should bother, after all the other great entries we've seen so far, but here you go anyway.

Robots for that by evil_d 8-13-02

So, um, I'm sorry, but I can't pay back all that money I owe you... please don't beat me up! Bongo, Bongo, you surprise me. To think that in this day and age, a man such as myself would stoop to physical violence to resolve a dispute! Oh, thank god! I mean, really. We have robots for that now.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

War!

Freudian slip differential by boorite 8-13-02

...but why would you want a robot that garbles and repeats your vocal input? For the serendipitous insights! Go ahead and try it. Repeat after me: Alcohol depresses respiration. ALCOHOL REPRESSES DESPERATION. By Jove! It works! What will you call it? I dub my creation... Boonerism Spot!

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What others say about boorite!

They work for Peanuts by boorite 8-13-02

TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET! GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT! Good Lord, another robot. Don't actual kids trick-or-treat anymore? THE PARENTS HAVE DETERMINED THE ACTIVITY TOO HAZARDOUS. I RETRIEVE TREATS FOR THE CHILD CALLED 'LUCY.' What a world. OK, here you go. I GOT A FUN-SIZE BUTTERFINGER. I GOT A ROCK.

When they grow up by boorite 8-13-02

TRICK OR TREAT! BOW DOWN AT MY FEET! ACCEPT YOUR ABSOLUTE DEFEAT! Good Lord, another robot. Don't actual lunatics invade countries anymore? THE ACTIVITY IS TOO HAZARDOUS. I VANQUISH GOVERNMENTS FOR THE SUPREME UBERMISTRESS CALLED 'LUCY.' What a world. Alright, I surrender. I GOT BELGIUM! I GOT IRAQ.

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What others say about boorite!

I wrote you a sequel :-)

Still Power-Crazy After All These Years by kaufman 8-13-02

This invading countries thing is getting too boring. I've got an idea. I'll dress up as Paul Simon, you dress up as Art Garfunkel, and we'll see who gets the better countries. Hello dictator, my old friend, I've come to take your land again. Ok, I surrender! I GOT IRAQ! I GOT AN IRELAND!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC10001000 - Robots Rule! Entry 3: Watch the Birdie by Shadow_Artist 8-13-02

Getting married on the beach was a lovely idea, darling! It's so romantic! And to preserve this moment for all time, I've hired one of those new Robot Wedding Photographers! Activating Missile Guidance System...Target Locked...Enabling Flash...Beginning Photographer Soundtrack... SMILE PEOPLE. IT'S YOUR WEDDING! One weekend of frenzied honeymoon sex later and the photographs arrive... Why are so many of these shots zoomed in on my cleavage? Beats me. I never want to look at those bags of crap...

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Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything. - Harry S Truman, 33rd president of US (1884 - 1972)

kaufman, I got that.

brain.... hurts....

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What others say about boorite!

If it makes you write five more brilliant ones, my work on this planet will be done.

For the moment.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

... by ObiJo 8-13-02

While children, like the rest of civilization, benefited from all technological advances... Listen you little bastard - I'm marrying your mother and that's all there is to it! Not if I call CPS and have you arrested for making me touch your slippery snake! I haven't done that! Yeah, but THEY don't know that! OH THAT'S IT NOW!!! YOU'RE GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU!!!!!! Tag.

Please read the physical violence to the tune of Blue Danube by ObiJo 8-13-02

...R2BeatUâ„¢ was particularly popular among step-children. *SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP* Ouch, you're hurting me! *KICK KICK* I'm sorry, okay! I'm sorry! *PUNCH PUNCH* Mommy, help! Steve's hurting me again!

Beethoven's 5th by ObiJo 8-13-02

And for dad... *KICK KICK KICK PUNCH* Please stop! I'll do whatever you want! Thank you! I'm a little too arm-weary to beat you the way I want. *Tag* Mommy, where are you!

gabriel billings taught me this phrase by ObiJo 8-13-02

THAT'S THE SHIT RIGHT THERE! I know. I was here for it. *TAG* Damnit, you always get tagged right before I cum! Don't worry, baby. I can always find time for a SNEAKY PETE!!! sneaky Pete.

... by ObiJo 8-13-02

...BeatTheePOâ„¢. Anything I should know? I worked his face pretty good, but didn't give his midsection and groin the attention I wanted to. Consider it done, big guy. Anything else? If you finish up early, come and grab a steak with us. Hey thanks! Don't mention it. Without you, I'd never have freed up so much time for my knitting.

[Click to view comic: 'Theme from Rocky']
[Click to view comic: 'THE END']
[Click to view comic: 'Epilogue - Unfinished Symphony']

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

You, ObiJo, are my new god.

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Absorbed directly through the skin.

I thank thee and tithe thee a motorcycle.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Not sure why I am bothering, since the other multiple masterpieces in this thread over shadow my weak effort, but still...

CC10001000: Panhandler stand-in haraunger.. by DexX 8-13-02

Damn, another beggarbot... *bleep!* Can spare some loose cha-cha-change so I can b-b-b-b-buy myself a meal-eal-eal? *bleep!* You are the crappiest beggerbot I have ever had the misfortune to be harrassed by. *fzzt!* Well, gee... maybe it has something to do with the fact that I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY! *sniff* Hurtful bitch....

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

CC10001000 - Robots Rule! Entry 4: Safety First by Shadow_Artist 8-14-02

The ship's going down, Nelson! What do we do? Firstly George, it's a plane. Secondly, don't worry - the robotic stewardess will tell us how to survive this disaster. EVACUATION FROM PLANE SUCCESSFUL...ACTIVATING PARACHUTE...DESCENT RATE DECREASING...UNIT SAFETY ASSURED... I knew it was a bad idea to equip the stewardesses with a survival instinct. An even worse idea was equipping a passenger plane with only one parachute...

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Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything. - Harry S Truman, 33rd president of US (1884 - 1972)

Hrm.

CC: 10001000. Robotic Ruv. by mutsje2000 8-14-02

Are you... offering? Are you asking? I'm asking... how much? You're talking to the wrong chick... Talk to my pimp. TEN DORRAH SUCKY SUCKY! TWENTY DORRAH SHE RUV YOU RONG TIME!

/benny/

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My metaphors are metafives...

The once and future cop by boorite 8-14-02

As the CEObot of Robotic Police R Us, I am proud to unveil the future of law enforcement... HomoCop! Back the truck up. WHAT-o-cop? It's short for "homo sapiens," the extinct species on which you are modeled. I don't care whatcha call it. I ain't puttin' on a thong and doin' no pole dance for you sick bastards 'less you make me Lieutenant.

Policemen are made, not born by boorite 8-14-02

Working from photographs, we took a security bot that had been destroyed in the line of duty, and we grafted some flesh onto it... ...then we grafted some more flesh... ....then we grafted WAY more-- We get the picture.

We are the law by boorite 8-14-02

A human cop? Why would you make such an unholy monstrosity? Because he is weak, stupid, and corruptible. But as the corporation that runs law enforcement, we should UPHOLD the law! Hahahahahahaha! Hahaha! You had me going, there.

Oopsie-daisy by boorite 8-14-02

Truth is, your HomoCop creature won't make it out of prototype. I've got a little law enforcement product of my own... Do tell, Dick. Meet the Rex-209! YOU ARE ILLEGALLY PARKED ON PRIVATE PROPERTY. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY. Best of all, he has a brain the size of a walnut. HomoCop has that beat... Holy shit, Rex just ate whatsisname, that marketing hump.

Seen approaching from quite a distance by boorite 8-14-02

Because of Rex-209's little malfunction, HomoCop will be joining you here at the precinct. What does it eat? A special formulation of highly processed grains and sugars, pressed into a toroid shape and plunged into boiling lipids. Gee, the donut jokes never get old, do they?

[Click to view comic: 'Natural law']
[Click to view comic: 'Every tough guy his tag line']
[Click to view comic: 'Special weapons']
[Click to view comic: 'Not very good at this, is he?']
[Click to view comic: 'In the name of the laaaaggghhh']
[Click to view comic: 'Arrested plot development']
[Click to view comic: 'HomoCop: The end?']