I proclaim a 'Do-Over'.

CC33.1 - Pancakes, Waffles and Hookers, Oh My! by gabe_billings 6-02-01

I'd like the Grand Slam breakfast with a side of... Hey! Didn't I see you in the red light district last night? Probably. Was I in a skimpy silver mini-dress and thigh high black boots? Could've been. But the guy whose crotch your head was buried in was pretty tubby and it was hard to see around him. Oh, Councilman Johnson. Yeah. That was me. Hooker by night; Denny's waitress by day. It's a rough life, but I get by. Say, I've only got about twelve bucks... What do you say to a little fling in the men's room? Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

CC33.2.2 - Get Stuffed. by gabe_billings 6-02-01

Holy shit! It's you! Don't tell me you're a taxidermist, too. Yup. Fills up the spare time between waitressing and hooking. Gotta pay the bills, ya know. Well I need some help. My uncle's prize fighting rooster lost the Ultimate Chicken Fighting Championship last night. And you'd like to preserve the old boy for posterity? I think we can probably help you out there. Do it up nice, you know? Maybe put some satin shorts on him and some boxing gloves? He'll make a great table centerpiece. Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

And since I was having such a good time, I have one more that isn't part of the contest. It's just for fun.

CC33.3 - Plumbing Woes by gabe_billings 6-02-01

Holy deja vu, Batman! Third day in a row I run into you. What the hell are you doing down here in the sewers? Every other Thursday I work a little as an Assistant Hydro-Management Technician for the Division of Water and Sewers. Hot damn. So what brings you down here so early? We're having a little problem with secondary drainage valve A-26. It's been sticking lately, and I'm down here to loosen it up. Cripes. What a shitty way to bring in the morning. I can't believe you do this shit. How 'bout I help you out? Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

I can't resist.

CC33.4 - Mrs. Smith Goes to Washington by gabe_billings 6-02-01

Cripes lady. You're like a bad dream. I don't believe you work in a gun shop. Just filling in for my uncle while he's having an endoscopy. But I'm a licensed gunsmith. I sent away for some info I heard Sally Struthers talk about on TV. You're amazing. What I've got is this old .357 of my dad's. I can't get it to fire 'cause the hammer keeps getting stuck. Probably just hasn't been cleaned lately. A little love and some gun oil'll fix that right up. Have it done in no time. That'd be terrific. I'm gonna run to the mall for some socks and I'll swing by in a couple hours. Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

CC 33: The ManBot 2000 - Part I by wirthling 6-03-01

Greetings, end-user, and congratulations on your purchase of a ManBot 2000! You've got male! Now that you have turned me on, please allow me to turn you on. I am programmed to use my 1.5 terahertz processor to bring you sexual fulfillment with maximum efficiency. Do you wish to have hot robot sex now? Bring it on, baby! 38 nanoseconds of hot robot sex later... Performance was within specified parameters for me. Was performance within specified parameters for you? What a rip-off!

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

CC 33: The ManBot 2000 - Part II by wirthling 6-03-01

I can't believe how lame my new ManBot 2000 is! That damned thing is so fast in bed - or "efficient" as he calls it - that I can hardly tell anything happened! Hmmm... Sounds like it must have been designed by a man! Now all he does is drink beer, fart, and watch TV all day long! Yep, definitely designed by a man... Tonight's episode of Baywatch is being pre-empted by a paid political advertisement by Senator Lipservice... What a rip-off!

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

I'm too frazzled to try to make my comic fit the overlooked rule.

Kaufman, you're just too smart for us.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

Dagnabit!

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

http://www.stripcreator.com/view.php?ID=20368

Comic Contest 33a - Wait for it.... by evil_d 6-03-01

Hey, Pete. What's up? Not much. You? Same. How's the new apartment working out? Terrible. It's too damn small! I brought this girl home from a bar last night and we had to have sex standing up! Yeah, I guess that's the problem with living in a closet.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

http://www.stripcreator.com/view.php?ID=20369

Comic Contest 33b - Okay, you can stop waiting. by evil_d 6-03-01

How about you, then? Get laid at all recently? Yeah, unfortunately. "Unfortunately"? My parents set me up with this girl and I couldn't think of a good excuse to get out of having sex with her! All this because you can't tell your parents you're gay, huh? Yeah, I guess that's the problem with living in a closet.

Sorry I took until the last minute to post. See, I live in Baltimore, so I thought I still had another two hours before the deadline. Luckily I remembered in time. It's terribly confusing for us, you understand, living behind this tear in space/time. But at least it keeps Gabe from visiting.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Hey, I saw Terminator, sparky. You're toast, in the present, future or past. I'll have my T-800 in the guise of a purple donkey hunt you down and fellate you to death.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Ok, the polls are closed everywhere but Baltimore, and congratulations to all of you who didn't win. You'll have at least a few more days to think up your next great contest. Meanwhile, on to the results:

Honorable mentions in alphabetical order:

Bigme68, the other red meat.
ladyjdotnet, who showed us a great, albeit disconnected pair.
wirthling, whose closing tag line was a bit simple for my tastes.

First runner-up goes to evil_d, who will hopefully forgive my plagiarism of George Carlin's tribute to Charm City.

And the winner and future creator of CC34 ... let's put it this way:

You too can be a gabe_billings impersonater by kaufman 6-02-01

Whoa, the sun's coming up. We've been talking all night. Yeah, I should probably head home and get a few hours' sleep. Why not come back to my place? It's closer, and I just upgraded my stereo system. Really? What have you got to play? I can crank up my Woodstock CD. That rendition of "With a Little Help From My Friends" will really get your blood flowing. Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff Cocker to start the day off rig... *DAMMIT!*

Congratulations, Gabe, you're officially on the clock. Let's see that next contest soon!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Sorry. I really beat that one into the ground, didn't I?

I'll think up something good whilst drifting off to sleep, and I'll post the rules tomorrow at work.

Night.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

quote:

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Sorry. I really beat that one into the ground, didn't I?

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http://www.stripcreator.com/view.php?ID=20401

Just don't let Farmer Johnson hear you say it that way. by evil_d 6-03-01

Morning, Doris. Got some pleasant news for you. Morning, Edna. And brrr... what a cold morning it is! What's the news? Well, you know those conical piles of straw or hay that Farmer Johnson puts out for us? They're called "cocks". Sure, whatever. Anyway, what with the morning frost and all, they're practically frozen solid. And I know you like 'em that way. Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Keeping this thread alive, one post at a time.

Feeding time at the goat farm. by ObiJo 6-03-01

Cock! Come and get it!

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

What the hell kinda "honorable mention" is this?!

Did Carlin really bash my birthplace? I suppose Baltimore deserves bashing (and not just for being my birthplace). They only call it "Charm City" to lure in tourists, who are then promptly robbed and murdered. I suppose you could call it charming if you think gentrified, post-industrial, crime-ridden, decaying urban wastelands are charming.

Say, who are all those people with torches and annoying accents who are banging on my door?

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

I didn't even rate an honourable mention. *sigh*

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

quote:

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quote:

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Sorry. I really beat that one into the ground, didn't I?

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Not really; my dictionary lists the following definitions of cock:

N1: rooster
N2: any male bird
N3: weather vane
N4: chief, leader
N5: valve
N6: hammer in firearm
N7: a tilting upward
N8: penis
N9: conical pile of straw or hay
V1: to ready a firearm for firing
V2: to tilt upward
V3: to raise in preparation to throw or hit
ADJ: male

So even limiting it to the nouns, you only hit numbers 1, 5, 6 and 8.

==Ken

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Huh? Just because you're not built like the man from Nantucket, don't assume that no one else is.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I think Tom Scocca said it best: "Greater Baltimore already has plenty of affordable housing, and it has wonderfully safe streets. They're just not in the same place. You can buy a house on North Broadway for pocket change. You can stroll alone at night through Fallston. You can't do it the other way around."

(http://www.citypaper.com/2001-03-14/feature.html)

That said, if you're honestly scared of the mean streets of Baltimore, you're a pansy. Sure, it has the highest per capita murder rate in the country, but folks, if someone kills you, chances are you did something to piss him off. People aren't just sitting around waiting to cap tourists at random.

And wirthling is right about people not calling it "Charm City". The only people who really seem to use that name are people who don't live here. I don't object to it or anything, it's just that I don't really hear it used.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Not a direct bash, but ...

His Eleven O'Clock News Sketch begins with the monotone voice of a serious anchorman, something along the lines of:

"It's 8:00 in Los Angeles.
It's 9:00 in Denver.
It's 10:00 in Chicago
In Baltimore, it's 6:42 "

==Ken

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com