'Alive' Crash Survivors Retrace Doomed Andes Flight by eponine 10-11-02

My husband said he wanted to stop at this quaint little place he found in the Andes. He says the barbecue is to die for.

It was on Yahoo News. Yup.

---
"I've got my finger on the pulse of America... and I've got my arm draped casually across the upper thigh of Canada."

Japanese Augmenting Their Penises (Nerve.com, Oct. 11) by israphael 10-11-02

Japanese men are having pearls inserted under the skin of their penises, evidently to give that "ribbed for your pleasure" sensation to their partners. I know you all think of me as a major perv. And what other people do with their own bodies is OK by me. But personally, I wouldn't do it. After all, these are the same people who gaves us the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, tentacle sex, and singing toilets.

---
"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

I Did It for Science: Cross-Dressing (Nerve.com, Oct. 11) by israphael 10-11-02

The people at Nerve asking me to write an article about my experiences at "Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys That Want To Be Girls". I found it to be both liberating and disturbing. Until now I never contemplated the impossibly high aesthetic standards we apply to women. They were going to ask Israphael. But given how slowly he writes, they decided against it. After all they wanted the article sometime in this lifetime.

---
"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

CC 147: Shuttle crew lightens load in orbit by Devin 10-11-02

*huff* *huff* *huff* *huff* Too slow, you lose again! *huff* Damn... Now eat your biscuit!

Japan Today - 12 October 2002

Women Become Hookers, Dump Fiances to Follow Beckham by israphael 10-11-02

Some women just can't get enough of English soccer player David Beckman. They have left their families and sell their bodies in order to follow the team. I can't believe women could have so little common sense and self esteem to chase after a man like that. Wait a sec... I've just received a picture of Beckman.... OH MY!

---
"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Sniper Causes Fox Studio to Rethink Film's Debut by BigEvilDan 10-11-02

On one hand, releasing "Phone Booth" at this time would be regarded by some people as inappropriate. On the other hand, a delay would cost us money, and I like wiping my ass with $100 bills just because I can. Thankfully I have no shame, or this would be a real ethical dilemma.

From Yahoo

---
"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

Okay - so the first one isn't a real headline...

Police Seek Parkside Sock Sucker by Spankling 10-11-02

Okay Lady, can you tell us... which of these men fell to the... ground and licked your feet? I have been SOOOO set up!

But the next one is...

Man Sees Wife In Porn Video, Alerts Cops To Porn Ring by Spankling 10-11-02

Wow! That's my wife! I gotta report this! I'm gonna have her ass dumped in the slammer! Right after I watch this again and take her like that guy just did!

http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/1714971/detail.html

---
"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

John Travolta and Jerry Lewis Die in Painful Sodomy Accident by not_Scyess 10-11-02

Okay, fine, so it's not a real headline. But it fucking SHOULD be.

...like I'm going to take time out of my day to read the news.

---
peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

I'm trying to get warmed up.

i didn't read the yahoo! story, but you said any news source, so i choose Big Evil Dan. (:

CC 147: Sniper Causes Fox Studio to Rethink Film's Debut by il_schmucko 10-12-02

Say, I wonder if that new film should debut this weekend? You just try it, fucker.

---
"I don't know who you are, schmucko, but you rule." - lara7 | christ@myself.com

all right. this is a totally sweet idea for a contest... the position and background restrictions aside, that is. at any rate, here are two more--the first from AP, the second from reuters.

CC 147b: White House Ponders Iraq's Future by il_schmucko 10-12-02

Whaddaya think, boys? Perhaps an amusement park of some kind. Everyone likes amusement parks. Why not just make it one big Wal-Mart?

CC 147c: Zookeepers Suspended for Eating Animals by il_schmucko 10-12-02

But I liked it! Huh? You misunderstand, Officer. I haven't been digesting the animals...

---
"I don't know who you are, schmucko, but you rule." - lara7 | christ@myself.com

Hey, Jrnymnnate, great minds and the thinking alike...

CC147: Nicolas Cage Sells Comic Books for $1.6 Million by deucepm 10-12-02

Okay, the first item up for bid is this copy of All-Star Comics #3. First appearance of the Justice Society! What am I bid? $45,000! Sold to the man in the "Monkey Boy" t-shirt! I'll just take your check... Hey, this is for $44,984. Yeah. I figure you owe me money for Captain Corelli's Mandolin and Gone In 60 Seconds.

Bastard. I've got the explanation: He just married a Scientologist and he's already pussy-whipped.

Not that I'm bitter.

CC 147: R.I. Teen Accused in Turkey Hanging by deucepm 10-12-02

Mr. Reynolds, you are accused of hanging a turkey from an I-95 overpass until it was hit by a car. This kind of intolerable animal cruelty will not stand. What do you have to say for yourself? As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly. Your hackneyed WKRP In Cincinatti references won't get you out of this, Mr. Reynolds!

Dude, that's fucked up.

Dragnet Shuts Down I-95 by kaufman 10-12-02

Hello, I-95 FM, how can I help you? Hi, this is Steve. I just heard Nickelodeon's doing an all-day Jack Webb marathon, so I won't be coming in to do my show this afternoon. Your's the fourth DJ to call in about that. I guess we'll just go off the air and do transmitter maintenance.

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

War Planners Ordered to Gulf by kaufman 10-12-02

Vice President Cheney... I have critical information about Saddam that will tell you how and when to attack. Bring Rumsfeld to the Gulf station in Silver Spring. Come on Sniper, forget the Citgo and the Chevron, you're due for a Gulf ...

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 147 - Archaeologists are puzzled who is the foundling... by Ezrael 10-12-02

An extraterrestrial, or just a retarded child? No, really, that's the whole headline. Go to http://english.pravda.ru/main/2002/10/12/38068.html if you don't believe me.

CC147 - Goat butted a census agent by Ezrael 10-12-02

Save for this, everything in this strip was cut and paste. In a yard he was attacked by a he-goat with almost classical name – Borka (diminutive from Boris). The student got off with “graze of soft tissue of back part of the body.” Borka was whipped with a switch. During this census, many curious stories are said to happen. For example, this one. While the owner of the goat, while being afraid of possible responsibility, preferred to disappear for some time and has been hiding from authorities, according to his daughter-in-law, in the garage.

CC 147 - Before The Flood, There Was No Moon by Ezrael 10-12-02

Immanuel Velikovsky, theorist and madman Indeed there was no moon before the flood, for the planet Venus was at that time still a comet gestating within the Jovian core and had not passed by the Earth. The Moon came after. Carl Sagan, dead scientist with a stick up his ass I find it hard to define the topic, since the only evidence for this "Flood" is in religious texts that also speculate that Angels exist, that you can drive away demons with the smell of fish, and so. Man with assless chaps off of the streets. Don't I know it? I flood the bathroom every morning before I put these things on just from sweat...have you ever worn leather chaps? They are not comfy. Still, I do have a beautiful moon to share.

I believe I did a whole crappy series on this thing with my Diary of a Crazed Cybernaut strips.

I try not to write serial comics anymore.

Two more from the WSJ. I dedicate these to kaufman.

CC 147: Risky Business: Spreads For Junk Bonds Surge by Scyess 10-12-02

The name's Bond... Jim Bond. "James!" Cut! Cut! Your name is "James" Bond, not Jim! Sorry, I forget. Can I request a short break to go have a bagel? Okay, FINE. Man... you have to be the crappiest James Bond ever. Oh my God! The cream cheese is rising up! It's COMING STRAIGHT AT ME! Serves him right.

CC 147: Death Toll Climbs to 54 In Bali Nightclub Bombing by Scyess 10-12-02

Hey, DJ! This fucking music is shit! I didn't fly all the way to Bali to hear this crap. What is it, anyway? It's the new track by "Death Toll." You don't like it? Everyone the whole club thinks it's awful. Wait... I'll crank it up to 54 decibels... No, everyone still hates it. They're all leaving. Okay, fine; I'll put in this sweet remix of The Best of The Sound of Music.

Here's a little cultural background for the last comic... in America, if a performer does really badly, it's called "bombing," but I believe outside America "bombing" refers to "doing really well." As I'm in the middle of America, I was relying on the first definition.

(Otherwise, I realize, the comic makes little sense. It might make little sense, anyway.)

I also think this is a great idea for a contest, if a bit restrictive on the details.

---
"Old" is the old new.

quote:

---

Here's a little cultural background for the last comic... in America, if a performer does really badly, it's called "bombing," but I believe outside America "bombing" refers to "doing really well."

---

Dozens Killed in Bali Blast by kaufman 10-12-02

I've been looking so long for a bra that can control my boobs. I hope this Bali T-200 model can do it. They say it's the world's strongest brassiere. We'll see how this immovable object takes on the irresistable force... Uh oh, I feel some shaking .... LOOK OUT!

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC147: FBI to Offer "Graphic Aid" (AP) by evil_d 10-12-02

So we're working on this serial rapist case, right, and I'm interviewing this victim to see if she can give me a description good enough to make a sketch from. She says she can't remember "certain parts" of the guy too well, if you take my meaning, so I thought I might jog her memory by way of some, you know, examples? All I'm saying is, hysterical laughter is really distracting when you're working on such a delicate task.

http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/news/101102_sniperfbi.html

---
The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Stole some headlines:

CC 147: War Planners Ordered to Gulf by Devin 10-12-02

somewhere in the Middle Easter theatre of operations ... ... Damnit, I order war planners and they send me gay agendas!

(It's "Eastern," not "Easter")

CC 147: Zookeepers Suspended for Eating Animals by Devin 10-12-02

The forensics lab positively identified tuna on your sandwich. I'm afraid you're fired. You're firing me because I'm not a vegetarian? Look, I don't know how they do it where you come from, but here in Berkeley we have no jobs for meat-craving scum like yourself.

And browsed CNN for one more:

CC 147: Space station plumbers finish work by Devin 10-12-02

Hurry up! I gotta go! Keep your shirt on, damnit... I've almost unclogged it... done. So what was clogging it up anyway? Somebody's severed arm... WHAT DO YOU THINK CLOGGED IT UP, DUMBASS?! Geez, sorry I asked...