26th and 27th May

Waiting for the Monolingual: Pain in the Arse by lima 5-27-09

One cheese and ham panino, please Panini with ham and cheese, no problem. I think you'll find its 'panino'. In Italian its one panino, two panini. ...and in Britain its panini and paninis. I believe we should have aspirations to... I think you'll find its pronounced Ass-pee-rah-shee-ohnn...

Waiting for the Monolingual: Pain in the Arse II by lima 5-27-09

Well yes the French pronounce it like that... ...so by your arguments, we should too. But panini is Italian. It doesn't matter how we pronounce it in England You mean Inglhittera But England isn't Italian... ...and neither is this panini. You're ordering cheese on toast. We just call it a panini to get cunts like you to pay a fiver for it.

Waiting for the Monolingual: Pain in the Arse III by lima 5-27-09

I didn't come here for a lecture about Entymology. I should hope not, thats the study of insects. I mean Etymology ...which you can't even spell. 'E'... 'Epilson'. Its Greek, but carry on..

Couldn't find a way to fit this into one comic yesterday, so have made it into three today. Based on a true story, although in reality instead of giving him a lecture in why people who insist on using foreign pronounciations for things that are rapidly becoming anglicised are cunt, in actual fact I just said 'Right..' and put is order through.

I don't have the quickest of minds.

And yes, the title is a slight pun. 'Pain' is french for 'Bread'

These last three were quite excellent.  Applause!  (Applausio?)

---
peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

28/5/09

Wikipedia Random Article Comic: Becker's Milk by lima 5-28-09

The progressive rock group Rush listed Becker's Chocolate Milk in the "Special Thanks" section on many of their albums. This is probably what caused Becker's Milk to go out of business. They folded in 2006 ...citing moo-sical diferences

A jab at progressive rock and a pun in one comic. Wahay!

29/5/09

Wikipedia Front Page Comic: Manchester S.S.E.M. by lima 5-29-09

...loading... The Manchester Small-Scale Experimental Machine (SSEM, built in 1948), was one of the world's first computers. ...loading... It had eight different functions. Wait. Eight functions? Eight?! Welcome to JizzedAsianSluts.com What were the other seven for?

An altogether more marketable idea, I feel, is making jokes from Wikipedia's article of the day rather than clicking the 'random' button. Like this one, for example.

Don't kid yourself about it being a satire of modern home-computer usage. Its funny because a baby mentions porn.

30/5/09

Wikipedia Front Page Comic: Idlewild and Soak Zone by lima 5-30-09

Idlewild and Soak Zone is a family amusement park situated in Pennsylvania, United States. Like Idlewild airport, it has recently been renamed in honour of John F. Kennedy It's now called "Idlewild and Sniper Zone"

I like this one

Idlewild airport was renamed 'John F. Kennedy airport' after his assasination. It stands to reason that they'd do the same with the theme park.

On Wikipedia the "Idlewild and Soak Zone" article was a featured article from early May.

31/5/09

Grit by lima 5-31-09

..and then he pushed me down into the gravel and put a handful of salt in my mouth Well we're dusting for fingerprints now Miss Granite. What can you tell me about this assaulter? He had this grey, rocky face. Sandy hair, gravelly voice Sounds like a gritty customer... CUT! Look, when we said we wanted this crime thriller to be more gritty...

Simple one today. Came from a critique of my cooking.

"Its a bit gritty"

"What, like a crime thriller?"

"...no"

1/6/09

Wikipedia Front Page Comic: Tropical Cyclone by lima 6-01-09

The U.S. government have tried many ways of weakening tropical cyclones, from towing icebergs under the storm in an attempt to cool it down.. .. to dispersing the clouds with nukes. Fucking cloud-nuking. Technically they're right. If there's one thing that'll nullify a tropical cyclone... ...Its nuclear winter

Huzzah! Its June. I'm away for four days now, so this is the last comic until Friday.

 2nd - 5th June

On Visiting the Grave of Silvia Plath by lima 6-05-09

I'll be disappointed if the poem of Silvia's grave was just Here lies Silvia Plath / She wasn't killed by a baseball bat May I remind you that Plath is one of the most beautiful, troubled and tragic figures in 20th century literature. I'll thank you not to make tasteless jokes at her grave. Ted Hughes didn't give her nearly enough lovin' So she went and put her head in an.... STOP IT

The Final Moments of David Carridine by lima 6-05-09

Ow Ouch Oof Ouch Ough! Oh for fuck sake Is there anyone who doesn't know the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique?

A Month after the BNP Gain Power in Britain by lima 6-05-09

Mr. Smith? I'm from the council. You're unemployed and so you've been entered into the BNP's job-assignment program. What? Work? I only voted for you to get rid of them pakis. You read the newspaper this morning? No. Bloody cornershop was closed. ...ah

A Month after the BNP Gain Power in Britain II by lima 6-05-09

You've been assigned a job at your local corner shop. Your starting wage will be 2.50 per hour Nah, I can get more than that on the Dole ...What Dole?

A Month after the BNP Gain Power in Britain III by lima 6-05-09

What do you mean "What Dole"? I don't have to work to earn momey! You do now, sir. Since you voted to deport immigrants we have approximately six million unskilled job vacancies to fill. Can't you get someone else to do it? A large influx of Indian businessmen, for example? Yeah, summin' like that

[Click to view comic: 'A Month after the BNP Gain Power in Britain IV']

Six comics inspired by four days away from the daily grind, and none of them Wikipedia comics. Not bad going.

For non-Brits, the BNP is the "British National Party" and is the closest we have to a mainstream fascist political party. They want anyone who's 'other' in any way out of the country. Whether that means 'dark people' (in which case anyone with even only one black grandparent can expect to be deported) or 'foreign people' (bye bye Polish plumbers and other people who are building our homes and helping the country out of recession) or both (in which case bye bye, as I have an Irish grandparent and so, by the first rules, I'd be out) is unclear. 

The BNP are cunts. Without exception.

6/6/09

On Voting by lima 6-06-09

Scottish Socialist Party?, UK Independence Party? Nationalist Front? Jury team? I'd sooner die than vote for any of them. They should reverse the voting process. I should be able to vote for the parties I don't want to get into power. So whoever got the least votes, wins. It'd play havoc with the electorate but then, hey, how else can an anarchist vote?

There were some semi-important local elections in the UK over the last few days. I espoused my idea to people that, because so many parties were full of idiots, the ideal way to vote would be to vote for the ten parties who you absolutely didn'i want to get into power.  

Obviously, changing to that system would create absolute anarchy but then, there aren't any Anarchist political parties, so that'd be their way of voting.

lima

I probably shouldn't admit that your series kind of sold me on them.  I mean, I've heard worse political platforms than "we'll force lazy bigots to work".

Seriously though, good strips. 

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

7/6/09

WRAC: Tomás de Torrejón y Velasco Sanchez by lima 6-07-09

Tomás de Torrejón y Velasco Sánchez was a Spanish composer. He's dead. Guess that means he's now a de-composer.... He died in 1728 in Lima. It's makes for a great anecdote. Gives a new meaning to the question "What crawled up your arse and died?"

Another Wikipedia comic, and two very lazy jokes

8/6/09

Watching way too much Tim Vine by lima 6-08-09

Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! You'll be saying that 'til the cows come home.

Watched a Tim Vine DVD last night. Giggled for over an hour, then went outside and thought of a few jokes in a Tim Vine vein.

I then came up with the rules to the Tim Vine Drinking Game.

Tim Vine's comedy always raises a chuckle in even the most pretentious of observers, but even so its fairly formulaic. The secret behind a Tim Vine joke is to think of the funniest feed line, rather than the funniest punch-line. This may sound a little strange, but you'll see what I mean with a few examples from the man himself.

"I went shoplifting on the shoulders of some vampires the other day - I was done for burglary on four counts..."

"My mum wants to dig a big hole in the garden and fill it with water - she means well"

"I said to this guy, I said 'Thats a big rock', he said 'Boulder', I said 'THATS A BIIIIIG ROCK'"

"So I said to my doctor I said 'I've got an irrational fear of lapels' - he said 'you've got cholera'...

"So I went to the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Protection against Cruelty to Animals) and their office is absolutely tiny. You can't swing a cat in there..."

"So this butcher said to me 'I bet you can't reach those pieces of beef up there' and I said 'I'm not taking that bet - the steaks are too high...'

You see? The punchlines are just cliches and sayings and such. Its the set-up that is the really interesting part. This is where the drinking game comes from.

Before watching a Tim Vine show, either live or on a DVD you've never seen before, or even one of the wee snippets on YouTube, you and the people you're with think up as many Tim Vine-esque jokes as you can. Its quite easy once you get the hang of it. I thought of another one last night:

"So my son starts yelling about how he wants to be a smurf - I said 'you can scream 'til your blue in the face...'

The rules of the drinking game are thus: Every time Mr. Vine uses one of your punchlines that you thought of, you have a shot. If he uses the your punchline AND your feedline, you have a much larger, more lethal shot. This can be used in line with regular drinking-game rules. I'd suggest a shot every time he says "Come on!", every time he says "So I sais to this bloke..", every time he teases the audience about how long his set is going to be, and every time he leans on his mic stand.

The last one may put you in hospital.

9/6/09

'Jaxx' by lima 6-09-09

♫ Wheeeere's youuur heeeaad aaaaat?♫ ♫Where's your head at?! Where's your head at?!♫ What the hell is this? You said you wanted your basement to be taller Right... So I bought Basement Jacks

Someone asked me if my apartment had an attic today. I answered that yes, it does, but someone else lives there. I also thought of this pun, which isn't very good.

Basement Jaxx are a British (i think) dance group. They're not as bad as this joke. 

10/6/09

If I Turku 'bout this long enough Helsinki's gone mad by lima 6-10-09

I'm meeting this guy from Finland for lunch Could be Risky Why? Its a common Finnish name Does this fulfil my obligation to provide Finnish jokes for you this week? Nope, Suomi one more

Thats today's joke Finnished. The first bit came up from a conversation about a friend's Finnish boyfriend. I ran with it for the rest of the comic.

 11/6/09

Er.. by lima 6-11-09

Some people use comics to peddle racist and homophobix views But thats where I draw the line

Didn't have time to post this yesterday. I'd spent all my spare time writing it.

All nine seconds of it.

12/6/09

Narcolepsy by lima 6-12-09

I've been diagnosed with Narcolepsy Meh I won't lose any sleep over it

Another Tim Vine-esque joke; taking an over-used phrase and giving it a quick burst of meaning.

Here's one for the Tim Vine Drinking Contest:

Tie One On by Namgubed 6-12-09

Have you heard of these genetically altered puppies in South Korea that glow in the dark? Makes you wonder if they'll use that technology to run night races at Ascot. Now THAT would be a horse of a different color.

---
"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

Cheers Namgubed. I'm going to make a list of these for if Mr. Vine is playing at Edinburgh Festival (and I go and see him, obviously)

13/6/09

Wikipedia Front Page Comic: Sei Whale by lima 6-13-09

Whats the difference between a Sei Whale and an SUV full of American children? One weighs 50 tons, can reach speeds of up to 50kmh, consumes 2000lb of food per day, communicates only in unintelligible whines and is currently being harpooned. The other is a whale.

Hackneyed joke format with an obvious last panel, but I like the 'harpoon' bit, because in my mind the word is interchangeable with 'lampoon' when dealing with satire. Look. The last three letters are the same.

14th and 15th June

Wherever I May Rome by lima 6-15-09

We're here again? Does every road lead to Rome? Ah well. When in Rome, do as Romans do.. So how many Englishmen did you stab?

Wherever I May Rome II by lima 6-15-09

What? No! I didn't stab anyone. I just did my traditional Roman thing. Which is? I filled a small japanese car with wet sand. You idiot! Rome wasn't silt in a Daewoo!

Rome puns.

By forgetting to post yesterday I missed the ability to mention that it is now two months since I began the Comic-A-Day experiment.

So far its 76 comics in 61 days. I could, technically, afford to take two weeks off and still be on a record of a comic a day, but that wouldn't be in keeping with the spirit of the thing.

Thanks for everyone's feedback so far, and here's to the next two months.

16/6/09

Red Cliff by lima 6-16-09

I just got back from seeing "Red Cliff" at the cinema. Its like fragments of Homer's Illiad being tossed to someone like John Woo to spit on and mould into some papier-mache version of Troy Only literally.

Saw Red Cliff today. If you like films like Hero and Flying Dagger then don't bother going to see it, unless you enjoyed Troy but wanted to see it with better actors.

17/6/09

The Council by lima 6-17-09

How did your house calls go? Alright. No-ones cheating their benefits, and I took a shit in a stairwell. What? Who do you write to if a member of the council shits in your stairwell? Did Jeff from Sanitation put too much sugar in your coffee again? What can I say, it gives me the shits

Based on a story which is true, happened a few hours ago and is difficult to talk about without getting a good friend in trouble

18/6/09

Wikipedia Front Page Comic: Euclidean Algorithm by lima 6-18-09

In mathematics, the Euclidean algorithm is an efficient method for computing the greatest common divisor (GCD), also known as the greatest common factor (GCF) or highest common factor (HCF) The resulting number should be a straight integer (STI). If not, it may be wise to use some straighteners (GHD) Straightness prevents your number being bent (HIV)

I like this one, although its along the same lines as Thought Process Map and it needs more work on the final panel. I'm sure there's a better way do deliver the HIV joke.