Jaws: The Sequel by kaufman 8-26-02

Doctor, ever since that summer, I keep having flashbacks. I see sharks everywhere. I can't go near the beach. I think you're ready to confront your fears, Chief Brody. I want you to wade out into the ocean, and write down everything you see, hear and feel. Make a journal. Icy ... a little shallow ... wet ... TOES OF A MAN!!!!!

CC 139: Bed Sores by kaufman 8-26-02

I am here to warn you about the new fad of using beds in extreme sports. You wouldn't believe what some of my patients have been saying: I was rafting down the Colorado on a waterbed when I hit some rocks and went under. I got buried riding a four-poster down a Mont Blanc avalanche. I was using a bunkbed as a glider when the thermal gave out. Cot in a landslide ...

Cowboy Psychiatry by kaufman 8-26-02

One day at the therapist... So, Doc, I says, "I see a little silouhetto of a man, scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening me." Ha, ha. What the fuck are you talking about?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

quote:

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I don't know who you are, schmucko, but you rule.

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I don't know who you are, schmucko, but you rule.

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I agree with the Senator from Washington.

Great stuff.

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Needless to say, I concur! Now we've got this crap coming in stereo!

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Time to beat a few more dead themes!

BOHH OMLO AND HIS "AMAZING FRIENDS" Episode 39 by kaufman 8-26-02

So let me get this straight. You think you were abducted by aliens? Yes, and they put a microchip in my brain that will go off if I ever quote that Wayne's World song. My flesh will be ripped from me in a catastrophic explosion. And that's why you came to me? Yes, Dr. Onbal. I need to know if I am imagining things. Is this the real life? Is it just fantasy? I see. Now tell me, what was the name of that song again? Boh...

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

the_rew, I am glad I am not in your shoes. I don't think I could judge a contest with so many amazing entries. At first I thought this contest was going to be so hard that very few good entries would be made. My god was I wrong. Great contest idea. BTW, did I mention Kaufman is a genius!

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"Eat a fucking cock." - attitudechicka

Gono Get Right Out of Here by Namgubed 8-26-02

Dan Fogelberg, 1977: We love you, Dan! Oh yeah? Well, let's screw! However, a recent conversation with his doctor springs to mind ... You can't go around screwing all these random sluts and groupies. You could get some seriously bad mojo! I can't get no satisfaction?!? Will you do the fan, Dan? GO!! Thunderbolt and lightning! I wasted all that money on a backstage pass!

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"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

rew forgot to mention the final rule, which is that there are to be no puns.

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What others say about boorite!

I agree! It's probably pointless by now to even try, but what the heck:

Dr. Cowdjinn by Scyess 8-26-02

Oo... my body's aching all the time! Let me take a look... Uh, why is there an x-ray machine in our house? Shh... I'm a professional. Oh my God! No wonder you're in pain! Your inside is all wrong! I'll have to operate immediately!! Dozens of hours of surgery later... There! Feeling better! No... now my body's aching and I have an uncanny desire to eat grass.

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"Old" is the old new.

Because I can!

Jim Extends His Life by 2,607 weeks. by Scyess 8-26-02

I'm sorry, Jim. The test results are in, and... you've got two weeks to live. I'm sorry. Well, I don't want to die... but it seems that if I only have two weeks I could chop you into little bits and not have to worry about any consequences. If ya get my meanin'. Did I say two weeks? I meant 50 years. That's what I thought.

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"Old" is the old new.

And flogging yet another wounded horse:

No Human Nap Soda (part 1) by kaufman 8-26-02

I'm sure he's gotten an honorary degree from somewhere ... Dr. Dylan! Can you play Bohemian Rhapsody for me? o/` His zits anneal knife. His zits offend Jose. Bought any sand, Clyde? Go and skate summer alley tea! No pen, nor ice. New cup, nudist spies iced tea! Mime mustard borzhoi. Chinese hose snippety becomes a knee's income in Mexico. Knit an eye, knit a coat. Many nasal limbo fuzzy eely natter newbie Tommy. Baja lust tilde van, nutty nun and dents Nissan, soldier piggy newest head. Manna knife and rust begone. Nuts, how my Conan doughnut mall's a gay. Bahama mooooon needn't knead new naked guy. Find out smack and then assign - I'll borrow Mary Ann, Mary Ann. Unzip nutty meally batter.

No Human Nap Soda (part 2) by kaufman 8-26-02

o/` Gnu Nate might try a song. Pensive, a stone - nice, fine, putty sank in salty brine. Put my nervy pot beehive not so low. Pot of Nivea Albee pints in Fezzik's tooth. Bahama moooooon, Mydol llama pie becomes Amish in Denver, tinhorn and tall. Nice beret knit a pillow tattoo, a phone and Sara's moose, Sara's moose. Miller dude often gingko. Dunder Nolte right wing, Merry Harry's biting tree (Valley Lego, valley Lego, valley Lego, valley Lego, valley Lego dig a moat). Bag if you go! Appeased income needs ego, build a net amigo! It's still a go! Neat! Dilbert pet the goat! Pet the goat! Instill a feat - Dilbert pet a goat! Pet the goat! Instill a feat - Dilbert pet the goat! Pet the goat! Dilbert pet the goat, I pet the goat! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Osama see Osama see Osama be in Mexico. Real pea soup NASA leveled out a side of beef, of beef! Yoda sinks beak in thrown urine hitting the sky. Yoda sinks beak in duck meat and veal pizza pie. Oh maybe, canned tuna's to be pay free. Must hotter debt now, must hotter debt power tier. Mutton eel is tattered, many companies, mutton eel is tattered, mutton eel is tattered Soon Yi.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

now, if all of you people complimenting me are just trying to get comics dedicated to you, it's not going to work. probably.

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"I don't know who you are, schmucko, but you rule." - lara7 | christ@myself.com

Contest 139.2b (new look, same great taste!) by il_schmucko 8-27-02

Doctor, you make a lot of money, right? Well, Sara, I guess I do okay. Here's the thing--I'm behind on rent. Could I borrow a couple hundred bucks? Hmm... I don't think that would be... Please? I'll dance with you! Sara--mooch--will you do the fandango?

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"I don't know who you are, schmucko, but you rule." - lara7 | christ@myself.com

CC139: no escape from reality by lara7 8-27-02

Doctor, just naled a bich, put my cokk up to her hed, puled my trigar, now she is dieing!! What the hell kind of song is that?!? It's called Bohemean Rapp-sody. help! poleece!

and on a related note:

http://www.geocities.com/disturbing_universe/rhapsody.html

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When they invent BookFace, I'm -there-.

CC139 - If you're going to spew, spew into this. by kramer_vs_kramer 8-27-02

Oh, doctor, I'm getting so stressed out. I'm trying to arrange a traditional Islamic wedding, but I don't know any holy men. I think I could help. My brother Ajay knows someone who could fit the bill. Really? Is he good? Only the best will do for my wedding. I assure you he's the best- he spent years at Islamic Holy Man training school. Now, I'll just phone home and see if my mother has his number. Mom? Ajay's skilled Imam!

(Almost) True Veterinary Tales, Part IV by israphael 8-27-02

There are some things that vet school doesn't prepare you for... Mr. Kaufman, what can we do for you and John Thomas today? It's time for his yearly physical and his shots. And can you do one of those echo heart thingies? You want an electrocardiogram? Sure, we can do it. But why? My psychic says that he has a heart murmur. And do you do any aromatherapy? She says that would help his depression. Keep smiling... Don't make eye contact... And slowly back out of the room. You see it's all due to trauma he suffered in a previous life. During the Irish potato famine...

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

The sequels to "Being John Malkovich" weren't nearly so good by kaufman 8-27-02

DOCTOR, I CAN'T GET THIS QUEEN SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!  WE  WILL Nurse, we need to spare him his life from this monstrosity....  WE  WILL Prepare to operate! ROCK YOU

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Those of us who got utterly fried in this contest know who we are.

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What others say about boorite!

Ok I'm back. Sorry about the lack of judging yesterday, but I was rather ill. It'll take a day to go over all the entries, so I'll judge at 12 noon today....

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There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't

You sick bastard!

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What others say about boorite!

I've narrowed it down to one of the following.

Smarmulus - You Think You Can Love Me?
Shadow_Artist - Doctor, Doctor! Entry 1: Heroic Dr DooDoo
punkrockskaboy - Classic Rock (Pun Intended)
il_schmucko - Contest 139 Y'all
Kaufman - Ask Dr. Kaufman
il_schmucko - Contest 139.2
ObiJo - cc139

I think I am forced to vote....

Dang, either Smarmulus or Il_Schmucko (for "contest 139.2")

Let me think...

DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M TRYING TO THINK!!!

Sod it... Il_Schmucko. Take it away!

Contest 139.2 by il_schmucko 8-25-02

What's the problem, Felipe? Doc, you gotta help me. I just came back from Egypt and I have a stomachace. Did you eat anything unusual while you were there? One thing--a frothy dessert with beetles in it. Scarab mousse! Scarab mousse! If you inquire as to my dancing ability, I will castrate you dentally.

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There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't

The newbiest newbie wins the veteranest contest ever! It is an interesting time to be alive!

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What others say about boorite!

He is the champion, my friend!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I would complain that "Scarab mousse" isn't in Boheimian Rhapsody, but as I didn't even get an Honourable mention I'm not going bother anyway.

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I am not 16 going on not 17, I know that I'm naive.

Do racial epithets count for nothing anymore?

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Congrats Il_Schumcko. I must say the better man won.

Actually I'm surprised and somewhat honored to have even been in the running considering how many fine comics were in this competition.

You probably already know this, but just in case...
you design and judge the next contest (the real CC 140)

I look forward to seeing what evil plot you devise!

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"Eat a fucking cock." - attitudechicka