And the weird thing is, it's all true, well, mostly true. It's based on the truth.

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (1) by mmyers 10-07-03

Hi everybody, it's me, the big cheese, the head honcho, your old pal, Sr Vice President in Charge of Productivity, Russ Gnubaum. I called this emergency weekly meeting of the company to tell you about a new plan we're implementing, something that will save us all time... It will make us more efficient, no longer wasting time, instead focusing it. We've noticed huge gaps in productivity during the day, once a week, usually around this time of day...

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (2) by mmyers 10-07-03

The first step we're implementing is that instead of dialing a '9' to get an outside line we will now be dialing a '4'. Um...how is that supposed to help us be more productive? Now, instead of people accidently dialing 911 at least once a day and the Po-Po responding, we will no longer have to deal with that. Won't people be dialing information, 411, instead now? Yes. Also, we have signed a contract with a new phone company, so to dial 911 from now on, you'll need to dial a 4, 10-10-321, the area code of the city you are in, then 911. Free for you, cheap for them!

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (3) by mmyers 10-07-03

Lastly, we are implementing a new policy where we will need you to document every task that you perform during the day. Everytime you do something, you'll need to write it down. How is this helping us be more productive? Well, now we'll know everything you're doing, so we are hoping that this will scare you into being productive. Man, this sucks. We're going to spend all of our time writing stuff down. This is shitty. Here's the best part of it...we call it...THE MATRIX! THE MATRIX! Cool! Fuckin' A, this is going to be fun!

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (4) by mmyers 10-07-03

Hey hey! Check this guy out! Eating on the job? There must be a glitch in THE MATRIX! Hahaha! Oh man, good one, Russ. Wooo. *sigh* Haha, you know it, and please, call me MR. Gnubaum, I insist. Haha, now back to work, fat ass, back to...THE MATRIX! Wow, man, rock on. I'm going to THE MATRIX. Don't you think this is kind of lame? Playing on the popularity of a film by referring to some lame ass office policy by the movie name? You know what you need?...A code name. Codenames have been known to increase office productivity by 7%. I'll call you Neo. What do you think of that, NEO?

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (5) by mmyers 10-08-03

Hey! My main man NEO! What are you doing, NEO? I'm making copies, Mr. Gnubaum, and could you please stop calling me Neo? Son, I know what you're going through. It's like in that one movie, The Matrix, where Canoe Reeves isn't sure if he's the chosen one so he doubts himself. Sir, have you just recently watched The Matrix for the first time? Because you seem to be referencing it a great deal. I've seen the first 30 or 40 minutes of it, yes, but I keep falling asleep when he goes to talk to that old black woman. Actually it's my daughter's DVD, but it's in the player so I watch it. My advice to you is to rent GlennGary-GlennRoss.

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (6) by mmyers 10-08-03

Hey Filing Cler...oop, I mean NEO. Hey NEO, you want half of my pizza slice? It has black olives on it and you like black olives. Always pays to have the 'chosen one' on your side, knowwhatImean? Ricky, don't tell me that you're taking part in this mess. I'm not 'Neo', I'm not the 'chosen one', and no thank you on the halfing a pizza slice. Actually, Neo, my code name is 'Hot Wheels'. And you are the chosen one. I've seen that movie 32 times, and Neo is the chosen one and Mr Gnubaum called you Neo. Thus, you're the one. Pizza? Sure? No thank you on the pizza, and please, Hot Wheels, stop spreading this garbage about the 'chosen one.' Hey Martin, wait up! You want to half my slice of my pizza with me? The 'chosen one' shot me down.

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (7) by mmyers 10-09-03

Neo, you must believe that you are the Chosen One. It has been prophesized. Who the hell are you? I'm Morpheus, from the IT department. I've come over on my lunch break to prove to you that you are the Chosen, Neo. How are you going to do that? I want you to pick up that red phone over on Janet's desk. Don't worry, Neo, you have nothing to fear, you are the Chosen... and Janet is on break as well. If you say so.

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (8) by mmyers 10-10-03

Pick up the phone, Neo, and dial an outside line, but use a '9' to get an outside line. But the number for getting an outside line was changed to '4'. You know what? Nevermind. I'll dial someone up and I'll use a '9' and then maybe you'll all see I'm not 'chosen'. Great Little Caeser's Ghost! It's ringing. He used the '9' to dial out and it's ringing! He is the Chosen One! All hail NEO! *cue inspirational Transformers the movie music* You've got the power! You've got the touch! Oh man, I feel just like Hot Rod!

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (9) by mmyers 10-15-03

Let freedom ring! No longer shall we have to write down every single menial task we perform. I'm going to break down the Job Matrix, piece by piece. Huzzah! Not so fast, Mr. Filing Clerk. It seems your non-conformity has forced me to revert to my true form. Behold! ??? *gasp* Freddy Mercury!

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (10) by mmyers 10-17-03

What? No I'm not Freddy Mercury, I'm Bill Makiavelli, senior VP, and you will succumb to the Office Matrix, you will document all your tasks, Mike. No, I will not. It's a waste of...wait... what did you just call me? I called you Mike. That's your name, right? No. No, no, no. I have worked here 5 years and the least you could fucking do is know my fucking name. It's not Mike, it's not Michael, it's not Mark! It's not Meyers, it's not Myer, it's not Minor! *BOOM* I can't believe you dropped the F*Bomb at work. I think we're going to have to put you on a Personal Improvement Plan, mister. Say my name! Say it! SAY MY REAL NAAAAAMM MMMEEEEEE!

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

True Stories of filing Clerk, VIP (11) by mmyers 10-17-03

Look at this place, it's a mess. I can see you are poweful now, so if you will not succumb to the Office Matrix, then I have one last tool to use against you. Do your worst. If I can't rule you through monitoring your menial tasks, I shall...MICRO MANAGE YOU!! Haha! Micromanagement into oblivion! You sick bastard. Hey, who are you? I'm jes, from the IT dept. I was pouring coffee when the whole machine fucking blew it. I heard a fight over here, I'm on break, figured I'd jump in.

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (12) by mmyers 10-20-03

Look, jes_, I appreciate your help, but you're from IT so I imagine that if this goes over an hour, your help might get expensive. Well, yeah, we work under contract, at about 50 quid an hour, give or take. Can you afford that? Yes. No. Maybe, it depends. What's a quid? If it's a potato chip, then yes. I'm guessing that you can't afford me on a filing clerk budget. Yeah. Don't worry about me, though. I've got that whole "Chosen One" thing going for me, so I should be fine. hdb!

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP (13) by mmyers 10-22-03

So it seems that we are at a stand still. I cannot make you do the Matrix sheets, and you are doomed to a lifetime of micromanagement. I can't live like that. I must do something drastic. W-w-wait, what are you doing? I'm destroying our fragile office reality in the hope that the next generation won't make the same mistakes we have. So long cruel cube farm!

True Stories of Filing Clerk, VIP- fin. by mmyers 10-22-03

Great googly-moogly, this office is a mess. It looks like a bomb went off in here. Yes sir. So far, we haven't found any survivors, just a couple fax machines and years and years of worthless files. Officer, I need you to pick up the files, put them in some kind of order, catalogue them, and then keep a record of everything you've accomplished today. Seems like kind of a waste of time, detective. I think it'd be better to... We don't pay you to think, officer, we pay you to file... I mean fight crime. Don't forget to write down everything you do. The End????

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Those rock....and not just because I'm a Matrix fan.

I kinda feel bad for laughing at your misfortune though.

---
Think classy, you'll be classy.