My capacity for slipping swear words and sexual innuendo into pop-music and TV theme tunes never ceases to amaze me. I apparently cannot sing along to a song without desecrating it with a generous smatterings of 'cunts' and 'fucks', hey if it's a dirty word and it rhymes and fits in seamlessly I will find it.
I am sure everybody must do this.
So next time you do this, remember it then post it here. Here is my current fave that I sing along to the theme tune of TV's Smallville -

' Oh somebody shave meeee, my ass-crack and my ball-sack, shaaaaaave me, come on'

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

The best one ever is Denyer's version of the Cheers theme: "Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows you're gaaay..."

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It's grime time.

Haha, I just remembered yet another winter song which could be taken a bit...Differently. Frosty the Snowman. Chorus. "Humpity hump hump humpity hump hump look at Frosty GO/Humpity hump hump hump hump over the fields of blow" or something.

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You know you totally missed me!

My nuts resting on an open palm
Jack Frost nipping at your hose....

Crinkled Balls, Crinkled Balls, finesse my balls all daaaaay...

Oh what fun it is to bugger and pretend that we're not gay...HEY!

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Not that it's a winter song, but the most appropriate one is no doubt John Denver's "West Virginia, mountin' mama ..."

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

It doesn't have to be winter related.

Sung to that Craig David tune -

'Met her on the bus on Monday
Took her up the ass on Tuesday'

I can't remember how the rest of the tune goes but suffice to say that by the end of the week he has emptied her bank account and run off with her mother and daughter with 9 home enema kits.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

You can find me in da pub, poppin me a chub
Mami I got what you need, if you want to flub my dub
I'm into writin' checks, ain't into makin' love
I'll come all on your nubs, if you're into eatin' subs..

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

REMs Losing My Erection:

"Like, losing my erection,
Trying to keep it up for you,
And i don't know if i can do it,
Oh no, ive wanked too much,
I haven't wanked enough,
Thats me in the corner,
Thats me jerking-off,
Like, losing my erection,
Trying to keep it up for you,
And i don't know if i can do it,
I thought that i heard you wanking,
I thought that i heard you cum,
I think i thought i saw you smile..."

...and so on. you get the drift.

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Confucius say: "Virginity is like a bubble. One prick and its gone..."

incidentally, REM stands for Really Enjoy Masturbating.

honest.

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Confucius say: "Virginity is like a bubble. One prick and its gone..."

I thought it stood for Rectum Exploration Module? What with them bein gay and all.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Sung to the opening section of Everclear's "Santa Monica":

I am still wankin' on my... pud
Been wankin' so hard, gonna draw blood
But I don't need no fuckin' hand cream
I don't need no fuckin' KY shit anymore...

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I has a flavor!

Or how about that old R&B chestnut that goes "If you don't blow me right nowwwwww... you can never, never, never blow me... oooooooohhhhhhhh..."

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I has a flavor!

Weird Al Yankovic "Frank's 2000 inch Pee-pee"

Rising above the city, blocking out the noonday sun
It dwarfs the mighty redwoods and it towers over everyone
It has it's own apartment on our city block
Everyone in the countryside has heard of his cock
And the ladies are so pleeeeaaaasssed
The say "Let me take you on my kneeeeeees!"

It's FRANK'S TWOOOOO THOUSAND INCH PEE-PEE!
It's a lot better than meeeeee
Frank's 2000" Pee-peeeee

Yep, Frank's enormous shaft. Go ahead and feel.
Frank don't care, he has balls of steel
I guess those 1-800 commercials told the truth
At least 20% larger with increased firmness to boot
Everybody in the state
Can see the women lining up to wait

For FRANK'S TWOOOO THOUSAND INCH PEE-PEE!
Call now and get a years supply freeeeee
Frank's 2000" Pee-peeee

....

I'm going to sleep.

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It's grime time.

We don't need no masturbation
We don't need no birth control
No STD films in the classroom
Teacher leave my shaft alone

HEY! TEACHER! Leave my shaft alone.

Cause all in all it's just another dick with two balls.

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I has a flavor!

quote:

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No STD films in the classroom

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That reminds me of Bloodhound Gang.

dude, i was thinking that too. Turn Clyde is a great song.

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You know you totally missed me!

Wait wait she fucking raped me, yeah she fucking raped me she tied too hard and she tore my penis like I had none.
*cough cough* silence....

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You know you totally missed me!

Better watch out, button your fly
Cross your legs, I'm tellin' you why
Santa Claus is horny tonight.

He's makin' a list, checkin' it quick
Turnin' the pages with his dick
Santa Claus is horny tonight.

He sees you in the shower, and slobbers like a dog
And when he sees you bend over
He flogs his throbbing log

So you better watch out, button your fly
Cross your legs, I'm tellin' you why
Santa Claus is horny tonight.
________________________________________________

Up on the rooftop, ho ho ho
Santa's whizzing in the snow
This is the reindeer's favorite game
Watching Santa write his name.

S, A, N-T-A
Santa's lettin' it fly today
C, L, A-U-S
Santa's making a big fat mess.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

this one everyone's heard I'm sure:

Up on the rooftop, slick as glass
Santa fell off and busted his ass
Down through the chimney and through the hall
He hit a table and busted his balls

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I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

Uptown slut
I'll bet she loves to take it up the butt
etc.

FUCK YOU BILLY JOEL

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What others say about boorite!

quote:

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Uptown slut
I'll bet she loves to take it up the butt
etc.

FUCK YOU BILLY JOEL

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quote:

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FUCK YOU BILLY JOEL

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GOTTA PEE
sung to the tune of Let It Snow

Oh the weather is really chilly!
Yes, I think it shrunk my willy!
And I drank far too much coffee!
Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Gotta pee!

Yes, I'd be feeling really chipper
If I could only find my zipper!
The pressure's too much for me!
Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Gotta pee!

When I finally get inside
I make a mad rush for the commode!
But it's already occupied!
I think I'm gonna explode!

Next time we're out in this weather
We'll wear Depends together
And stay outside as we please!
Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Gotta pee!

NUCLEAR WASTELAND
sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland

Sirens ring!
Are you listening?
In the lane!
Fallout's glistening!
A horrible sight!
We're deformed tonight!
Walking in a Nuclear Wasteland!

Gone away is the bluebird!
They're all dead, all the bluebirds!
Society's gone -- I'm wearing a thong!
Walking in a Nuclear Wasteland!

In the meadow we can build an ashman!
And pretend that he is Jimmy Dean!
He'll say, "Got some sausage?" We'll say, "No Man!
But I hear that my friend here's very lean!"

Later on we'll perspire
In the heat of the fire!
And drink atom-ade!
Beneath atom-shade!
Walking in a Nuclear Wasteland!

AHOY THERE, MERRY FISHERMEN
sung to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Ahoy there, merry fishermen
Let something you filet!
Remember fish is good for you
Full of vitamin A!
A perch, or bass, or tuna fish
Will brighten up your day
The tide's in
Go to the fishery, fishery!
The tide is in
Go to the fishery!

Now Hemingway he wrote a book
Called "Old Man and the Sea"
It honors men who fish the surf
for fine delicacies!
Oh won't you please cast out your net
And catch some Cod for me?
The tide is in
Go to the fishery, fishery!
The tide is in
Go to the fishery!

JANET RENO'S COMING TO TOWN

You better watch out!
You better not fight!
You better pay all your taxes tonight!
Janet Reno's coming to town!

She's bringing along
A burly agent
Better hope that
you're flame retardent.
Janet Reno's Coming to town!

And if you're barricading
She'll cut all your phone lines
I hope your guns are registered
Or you'll be facing hefty fines!

You better watch out!
It's her in the flesh!
Good thing that you're not David Koresh!
Janet Reno's coming to town!

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.