This was inspired by an old episode of Friends where Chandler and Phoebe debate superheroes and Chandler says something along the lines of

"He's a Spider-Man! Spiderman's not his name, like, there's no...Phil Spiderman!", pronouncing it like you would Kaufman or Lieberman. They then talk about Goldman (the surname) pronouncing it like "Gold Man"
Etcetera.

It was also inspired by a boring day in the office, Marvel comics, and by the number 50.5% abv.

Face front, true believers (1) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

The city is under attack! Thank God! It's Spiderman! Uhh...yeah, I'm Phil Spiderman. What's up? Aren't you going to stop Dr. Octopus from destroying the city? Look lady, I think you may have me confused with someone else. I'm just a tax accountant.

Face front, true believers (2) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Then what's with the costume? This? Uh...I'm on my way to a fancy dress party at my nephew's house You can't fool me! You were in the newspaper! You were bitten by a radioactive spider! And I was in hospital with leukemia for 6 months! Dang spider cost me the Barton-Hughes contract!

Face front, true believers (3) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Jeez, what's with people? You get into the national press because of one little freak accident and suddenly you're a celebrity. Have you heard back from Detroit yet? Yeah, they're faxing the Bogleby audit through now. You want some coffee? No thanks. Any more for me today and I'll be crawling up the walls... Yes! I KNEW it!

Face front, true believers (4) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Afternoon, Phil. You're a little late, aren't you? Yeah, traffic today was murder for some reason. Didn't you hear? Dr. Octopus destroyed half a city block! Those damn supervillains again! Someone ought to do something about them! What are you looking at me like that for?

Face front, true believers (5) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Morning sir! Morning, Leanne. Can you take a letter? The traffic today was terrible. Of course, sir, "traffic". *tee-hee!* OK, so it's just a standard request for info on capital gains from Bogleby. And tack on a reminder for next month's audit as well. Yes sir, Mr. Spiderman, sir! *tee-hee!* What the...? For the hundredth time Leanne, the salutation should NOT read "Your friendly neighbourhood tax accountant"

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Work with me, I'm going somewhere with this...

Face front, true believers (6) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

We're taking the top brass from Goldberg Robins out to dinner this evening, Spiderman. Are you with us? Oh yes, sir. My wife and I are looking forward to it. Yes. Mind you I expect you'll be called out on some crucial emergency again. If you mean the time the babysitter called at our last working dinner, I can... Look, I really want to clinch this deal, boss. I'm due a bonus. Whatever happened to "action is his reward"? With respect sir, I'm getting really sick of hearing that.

Face front, true believers (7) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

That evening... Ah! Schwartz! There you are! Darling, this is Ed Schwartz, our new graduate trainee. Schwartz, this is my wife, Mary-Jane. Pleased to meet you. D-did you say...Mary-Jane? Yes, I...Schwartz? Schwartz, are you all right? It's happening again! Honey, why do people always act weird when we go out together? \o In the chiiill of night! At the sceeene of the crime! \o

Face front, true believers (8) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Boy, sometimes I really wonder what I'm still doing with my firm. I know. The jackasses at work seem to like making weird comments about my visual disability. How so? They're always trying to make me walk along the office window ledges and jump 5 storeys. When I complain they say "What happened to 'The Man Without Fear'"? I think I know what you mean. Phil Spiderman, Nanderson Consulting Murdock Daredevil, Goldberg Robins.

Face front, true believers (9) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

You know, we never used to have this problem back in Houston. It was only when we moved to New York. Tell me about it. Ever since I moved here it's been like one long surreal nightmare. Mary-Jane and I are thinking of moving. Really? Where to? A little place in Michigan we found. Yep, Gotham City's the place for us. I...uh...never mind. Say, is your wife really named Mary-Jane?

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I was reading this series as you wrote it and cracking up. My favorite line is "Whatever happened to "action is his reward"?" Boy, that was some funny stuff.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I've got an ending planned, but there's something about not being in work that leaches out the creativity. I may have to let this one stew for a few days, but I fully intend to finish the series. Meanwhile, here's some filler:

Face front, true believers (10) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Ah, Spiderman, there you are! I thought you'd "spun off" somewhere! Well sir, I was just talking to Daredevil from Goldberg Robins. Did you know we could immediately save them 10% of their annual net profit by... Oh, that guy! Yeah, I was hoping you two "office heroes" might "team up"! I... But never mind all that now, there's someone here back here I want you to meet! Please. Please God, Don't let it be the editor of the Daily Bugle...

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FUNNY!

Face front, true believers (11) by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Mr. Robins, this is our very own office hero, Phil Spiderman. Spiderman, this is Mr. Robins, MD of Goldberg Robins. But you sensed that already, huh, big guy? *mutter* I wish to Christ I knew what this was all about! Mr. Spiderman! Our Mr. Daredevil told me all about the cost saving plan you've both thrashed out. We're going to go with it from Monday! This is it! The big time! I can see the movie version now: Phil Spiderman: Prudent Fiscal Analyst. One more thing. Do you think, next time you're "on call", spell my grand-daughter's name in webbing on the 36th Precinct Bridge? She's a big fan.   !

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More superhero mistaken identity: Captain America (4 jes_l) by mmyers 3-18-04

Captain America, we need your help. The Nazis are destroying our forces. Throw your shield and use your super soldier powers to save us! Oh, I'm not that Captain America. I'm Captain Brian "Buzz" America of the 57th squadron. Don't you have an invulnerable shield or something you can throw at them? Something?? No, I don't. I guess we're fucked... waitaminute, I don't have a shield but I do have something else... [song] When Captain America throws his mighty sheep, all those who chose to oppose his sheep must weep. When Captain America throws his mighty sheep. [/song] This is for the good ole USA. Bah?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

The end is in sight:

Face front, true believers (12) by jes_lawson 3-18-04

This is the worst business dinner I ever...HEY! What's that you're reading? Spider-Man! Yes, that's my name... No, Spider-Man, the comic! You know, "Does whatever a spider can"? Lemme see that...yadda yadda, Peter Parker, radioactive spider...Suddenly this whole thing is all making sense! Yeah, I know! Everything in life I learned from comic books! From physics to philosophy, it's all there!

Face front, true believers (13) by jes_lawson 3-18-04

You...base your life choices on comics? That's just mad! No it's not! Good always wins over evil - fact. The hero always gets the girl - fact! But... People with aliterative names become heroes! That's why I changed my name to Steve Stickly! But... And that's why I've been prosecuted five times from trying to sneak into atomic testing grounds and government laboratories!

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You get two hitch-hikers thumbs up!

(ask Chi about them, they're kind of gross)

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Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

quote:

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You get two hitch-hikers thumbs up!

(ask Chi about them, they're kind of gross)

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Face front, true believers (End) by jes_lawson 3-20-04

All right then! If people think I'm some kind of comic book hero, I may as well start acting like one! Huzzah! Come on, Stickman! Let's go and sort out that Doc Octupus guy who blew up 81st Street this morning! Excelsior! Tell me again, Dr. Octopus...how did my husband die? He offered to do my taxes for free, then the skinny guy threw a hammer at me, missed, and re-ignited the gas leak that destroyed my surgery this morning...

Epilogues to follow.

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Great stuff :)

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troelsea at gmail dot com

Face front, true believers -Epilogue 1: Attack of the Clones by jes_lawson 3-23-04

Excuse me, I'm looking for... Ohmigod,ohmygod It's YOOOOUU! Uhh...sorry? Like...I am your BIGGEST fan! Can I have your autograph Dr. Kaufman? Well...I suppose...*scribble* There you are. What the...PHIL Kaufman, MD? That's not even a PUN!

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