This is where you and I post the undiluted pure essence of a T.V or movie formula, i.e Smallville or Police Academy.
The trick is basically to nail the whole damn episode or movie in a super concentrated capsule of wit and observation.
The essence of Columbo I have provided below is basically a true summary of every Columbo episode there has ever been.
.....COLUMBO
Script formula for the Columbo (can be used again and again)
The players -
Ok picture the scene, lieutenant columbo and an upper crust murderous aristocrat (lets call him Shepley) are on the deck of Shepley`s yacht .
Columbo is walking around on deck rubbing his forehead, he has an enormous hangover and is throwing bread to some seagulls, sometimes his aim is not so good and the manky bread lands on Shepley`s favourite new piece of expensive deck furniture.
Shepley is following Columbo around making a big show of collecting the bread litter.
And ACTION -
Shepley - "Look Lt. we went over all this yesterday I told you everything I know why do you need to speak to me again? you dont possibly think I could be the killer of my own incredibly rich aunt"
Columbo - "Sir I know your a busy man, but there are a couple of things that I need to get straight in my head, its nothing important, actually it could have waited till Monday but when I called your seceretary and found out you were down at the marina, well, I dont often get to be on a boat as swanky as this, how much did it cost by the way? How many miles do you get for a gallon?"
Shepley - "She"
Columbo - "Whats that sir?"
Shepley - "She Lt. 'she', we dont refer to a vessel as 'it', the proper term is 'she', and its not a boat its a yacht and her speed is measured in knots not mph, really I dont mind helping with your enquiries but I have a golf match at half-past four. Can you ask me these questions quickly so I can go about my day ? "
Columbo - "Knots eh? who woulda guessed that ? Look at them seagulls sir, not a care in the world, do you think humans will ever be able to fly unaided ? Do you have any aspirin on you sir?"
Shepley - " Really Lt. I am a busy man and I am tiring of your lazy eyed meanderings, and what is that smell, did you stand in something before you boarded my yacht Columbo?"
Columbo - " I dont think so sir, oh wait maybe I did step in a 4-week old pastrami on rye that I lost under my car seat, they get really squishy you know, after about two weeks , could I trouble you for a glass of milk ? "
Shepley - " Look here you seedy little sh*t , my tie costs more than every piece of clothing you own , and yes , so I killed aunt Mabel for her money , the b*tch was asking for it , if I had waited till she popped off of natural causes I would have been too old to enjoy the money properly "
Columbo - " Or water sir , it doesn`t have to be milk , you see my throat is really dry , I think I may have some of that scurvy thats been going around and combined with the dandruff it can really be a pain , I sometimes inhale the flaky skin stuff , it really chokes a man I can tell you "
Shepley - " Piss of you little oik , I am going for my game of golf , if you had any evidence to convict me you would have arrested me by now , I want you off my yacht by the time I get back "
Columbo - " I wouldn`t do that if I was you sir , you see , aunt Mabel was a bit off an amateur movie maker , and it turns out her little movie camera was on at the time you bludgeoned her to death , we have the whole thing on tape , we found it yesterday "
Shepley - " Oh sh*t , damn you mabel you slag , its a fair cop etc. But if you knew yesterday then why the need for this charade today ? "
Columbo - " Like I said sir , its not every day a humble lieutenant like me gets to come on-board a real swanky canoe like this , do you mind if I take some of these sandwhiches down to the station with me ? They really are delicious . "
Shepley - " c*nt "
THE END!
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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.
