Rimshot Komix! starring "Dick" 'n' Dubya by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Hey, "Dick"! (hehe) Ah've been thinkin'... Hoo boy. Here goes. Ah need something to energize mah campaign. So Ah'm gonna announce that before this decade is out, we will send a man to the sun and return him safely to the earth. Dubya, you stupid fuck. If you send a man to the sun, he'll be burnt to a crisp! "Dick"! (hehe) Ah know you think Ah'm dumb and all, but Ah've thought this through. We'll go at night! Badump bump.

1. The Son Also Rises by CHUBBY 11-01-04

November 3, 2004. Jesus, I can't believe we lost. Again. The people have spoken. Cocksuckers. What'll you do now? I've got a gig consulting. In Saudi Arabia. To Osama bin-Laden. You? I'm gonna be a astronaut. I'm goin' on that flight to the sun.

2. My fellow Astronauts..... by CHUBBY 11-01-04

Howdy, I'm Dubya. You must be a astronaut. I'm Mission Commander Deke Slade. Do you have any flying experience? I used to be pretty good at flying jets. When I passed my drug test. Well, I'm an Air Force fighter pilot, and this is a bit different. Man, look at them people down there. Look like ants! This is a mission simulator. Those are ants.

3. In this corner, the Challenger by CHUBBY 11-01-04

This is an exact replica of what the real spaceship will be like. You can familiarize yourself with everything, but don't touch. What's this here button do? Don't touch that--!

4. How many monkeys have we here? by CHUBBY 11-01-04

Whew! Close one! That's the self-destruct button. We only use it for emergencies. On the simulator, it's not fully operational, but it gives you a general idea. The real thing has a three-second delay. Now I want you to meet the other member of our expedition. Snooky, come in here! I hope I'm not gonna get any smartass remarks from you.   ?

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

5. Star wars by CHUBBY 11-01-04

Woo hoo! Sun, here we come! Well, we're not actually going to the sun. This ship and all of us would burn to a crisp. But we are going to get closer than any manned or unmanned spaceship ever has, and we'll gather vital data. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go through the pre-launch checklist. Well, screw that. I wanna go to the sun. I'll reprogram it. Where's the Onstar on this thing?

6. 911, 912, whatever it takes by CHUBBY 11-01-04

Well, that was a beautiful launch. Yeah. I always forget to take the parking brake off. Hey, Dubya! Are you sure it's just us three? My monkey sense is tingling, like there are some stowaways. Stowaways! Heh, heh, don't you fret, little guy. Why this rocket gets the same crack security that commercial flights do. Yep, exactly what I was afraid of. Al-Qaeda! Nobody move! We have boxcutters! We are hijacking this spaceship in the name of Allah!

7. Monkey Business by CHUBBY 11-01-04

So, Dubya, your much-vaunted Air Force fighter pilots are not so tough after all. We killed him. You did? Sure. We finally got him after he sent 19 of ours to Paradise first. Ah, they are the lucky ones. Each of them gets 72 virgins. Man, what's sad is I know the Koran better than you, and I'm a monkey.

8. Monkey doodle do by CHUBBY 11-01-04

So, Dubya. Your friend would not play ball with us. But you will, yes? Oh my goodness yes. I just need to change my drawers first. Everything is going according to plan. We fly this spaceship into the Indian River Nuclear Power Plant and start an Islamic Revolution that will spread across the entire world. Muhuhahahahahaha! Hey guys, sounds like an important job. You don't want to leave it to an amateur like Dubya. Let me fly the spaceship.

9. Pod People by CHUBBY 11-01-04

What in the wide, wide world of sports is goin' on here? Beat it, pal. I'm flying this spaceship now. Lock him up in the pod, boys! Hey, quit it out! We'll show you who's in charge! Traitor! You won't get away with this! Yeah, I know.....

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

10. Monkey wrench in the works by CHUBBY 11-01-04

What now? Well, I've turned off the no-smoking sign, and soon our stewardesses will begin complimentary beverage service. I'm in no mood for jokes, monkey. Well, you've certainly come to the right place. Hey-- wanna learn to fly a spaceship? I know you don't need to know how to land. Sure. What do I do? Press that bigass rectangular yellow button at the top of the lefthand side console, and count to three.

11. Two peas in a pod by CHUBBY 11-01-04

ALLAH-- --AKHBAR! Oooh my head...... Where am I? That dirty monkey told them to lock me in the pod. And then the ship blowed up. Hey, he saved my life! Poor little feller. Guess he's a goner, though. *SNIFF! *BANG! BANG! BANG! Who is it? Lou Harris. For whom will you be voting in 2008? It's me, dumbass, open the damn door!

12. Hell's Belles of the Ball by CHUBBY 11-01-04

What in the wide, wide world of sports is goin' on here? I had them lock you in the pod for your safety. There's a three-second delay before self-destruct, so I was able to bail. I had my jet pack and I caught up with you. What about them Aikido fellers? Well, they didn't have jet packs or breathing apparati. Gone to their reward, I guess..... Reward...... There must be some kind of mistake. I thought we got seventy-two virgins. SHUT UP BITCH, AND BEND OVER!

13. Let the chimps fall where they may by CHUBBY 11-01-04

What do we do now? Nothing we can do. Just enjoy the ride. It's supposed to be auto-programmed to fly us back to earth. Oh yeah, I remember now. Remember what? This is the same safety system we had in place on COLUMBIA. Yep, exactly what I was afraid of.

14. Cleveland Rocks by CHUBBY 11-01-04

Well, I'm gonna catch some shuteye. Where is this thing supposed to land? You can drop me off at the ranch in Crawford. No can do, Chief. What do you mean? It's programmed to return to earth. But it could be anywhere. Beggars can't be choosers. You mean we could end up at the South Pole-- or in the Indian Ocean-- or, even-- Yup. Cleveland.

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

15. Me & the Chimp by CHUBBY 11-01-04

What was that? We've re-entered the earth's atmosphere. It won't be long now. As the actress said to the bishop. Will you hold me? Sure, little feller. I was just thinkin'-- in case we don't make it through this-- we should confess anything we want to get off our chests. Hey, good idea. I'll go first. I'm not really a monkey. I'm a chimpanzee. I'm gay. You know what? Never mind that part about holding me.

16. We'll always have Paris by CHUBBY 11-01-04

Well, li'l buddy, this is it. If we don't make it through, thanks. You saved my life. You saved the planet. It was nothing. Believe me! I WONDER WHERE WE'LL LAND! I-- DON'T-- KNOW! Meanwhile, in a cave in Pakistan..... Hey, everybody, thanks for coming. As you know, the ICARUS is due to hit Indian Point any second now, which is the signal for all Muslims to rise up in arms and take over the world. That's hot!

17. Yes, We Have No Bananas by CHUBBY 11-01-04

AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Where am I? Some kinda cave. Where's my little buddy? Oh, no! He's gone! Poor little feller. He gave his life so others might live. Sorry, buddy. I wish there was something I could do to repay you. Well, for starters, you could tell me who I have to fuck around here to get a banana.

18. Al-Qaeda and the Forty Thieves by CHUBBY 11-01-04

You're alive! Of course I am. You're not gonna get all mushy now, are you? Hey, uh, that thing I said in the pod-- about me bein'-- you know. What thing? Hey look over here, I want to show you something. Hey, it's that guy-- what's his name? Osama..... bin..... Laden......

19. Goodbye, Mr. Chimps by CHUBBY 11-01-04

I did it, buddy! I captured Osama! And all the top guys in Ikea! Including "Dick"! I get a $25 million reward! Woohoo! Oh. Uh, we'll split it. 80-20. Nah, you keep it. Are you sure? Yeah. Virtue is its own reward. Right, Paris? You know, dear, I think it was Sigmund Freud-- or maybe it was his brother, Schaden-- who said, "Sometimes a banana is just a banana." That's hot.

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

BOO!

-URNS!

---
I has a flavor!