Capricorn One by CHUBBY 10-16-04

AAAAAH! Who the hell are you? Dubya. I'm hurt that you don't remember me. I used to be important to you. I'm the pet goat that you chose to read about for eight minutes instead of doing something when the planes hit the towers. I don't believe this. You could have done something. Maybe saved the Pentagon. But I was more important. So from now on, I'm going to be with you always. Every campaign stop. Every official appearance. 24/7/365. This can't be happening. It must be a dream. Don't be so sure. It might be an acid flashback.

Capricorn Two by CHUBBY 10-20-04

....there's a rumor on the internets.... "Internets"? There is no such thing, dumbass! There's no plural of internet! ....we are not gonna have an all-volunteer army! Do you ever listen to yourself, nitwit? What a Freudian slip THAT was, huh? WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP???!!! Have you thought about maybe a decaffeinated coffee?

Capricorn Three by CHUBBY 10-20-04

Welcome to Faux News Network's live analysis of the third and final debate between John Kerry and Dubya. I'm Mart, with me as always, is Ferdie. Ferdie? Any thoughts? I-- uh-- well, Dubya seemed to-- I don't know-- OH, THE HELL WITH IT! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I'M TIRED OF COVERING DUBYA'S ASS FOR HIM! HE'S CRAZY AS A FUCKIN' LOON! I AM SO OUT OF HERE! OK. Well. I guess we'll be right back after this word from our sponsors. What? Ten more minutes? OK. Well. Let's listen to the new CD from Spin Doctors.

Capricorn Four by CHUBBY 10-20-04

Bethesda Navy Hospital, Psych Ward. I appreciate your seein' me on such short notice, Doc. I guess I just need to talk to somebody. I'm under a lot of stress. YOU'RE under a lot of stress? You've never had a stressful day in your life. What about those boys in Fallujah? What about families where the breadwinners are out of work? THAT'S stress! I guess it all started in my childhood. Me and my pappy never saw eye to eye. Oh boohoohoo, I'm Dubya, my daddy never loved me. Pussy. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BUTT OUT! Hey! BUTT out! Like a goat! Charlie Babbit made a joke!

Capricorn Five by CHUBBY 10-20-04

I guess it all started in my childhood. Me and Jeb and Neil used to have to eat bologna sandwiches for lunch, and Doro got ham. You know what I think your problem is? I went to Yale, but my Pappy said I wasn't a real man, because I was a cheerleader. You are a dry, angry alcoholic. What you really want is a drink. Remember how much fun you used to be when you were a drunk? Yeah, them was the days. Can I interest you in a bock beer? A maibock? Maybe a doppelbock?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Capricorn Six by CHUBBY 10-20-04

How long have you been having hallucinations? Well, off and on, since college. But this hallucination is a new one. It's my pet goat. A goat? Interesting. Freud and Jung tell us that the goat is the symbol for one who feels he is always unfairly blamed for everything. I don't give a hoot about this Fred Young guy, whoever he is. Just give me something to make the goat go away and I'll get out of here. Aw, here I thought I was growing on you. That's enough outta you.

Capricorn Seven by CHUBBY 10-20-04

You're just tired and stressed. I'm going to give you some pills. They're very mild, but I must warn you-- under NO circumstances should you drink alcohol while you're taking them. No problemo, doc. Lips that touch liquor will never touch mine. Your lips or your liquor? Quiet, you. Now you made me forget what the doctor said about alcohol. I think he said you should go someplace to wash them down. Yeah, I remember now!

Capricorn Eight by CHUBBY 10-20-04

Welcome to the Brickskeller, sir. Table for one? No, two. Me and my friend here. Hahaha, very funny, sir. Jimmy Stewart, "Harvey". Look, I'd love to stand here and talk movies with you all night, but I'm thirsty. Bring me a pitcher of draft beer. We don't have draft beer, but we do have the world's largest selection-- over 1200 different bottles. OK, bring me one of each.

Capricorn Nine by CHUBBY 10-20-04

Doin' coke, smokin' weed, drinkin' beers.... WOOHOO! Hey, it's the weekend, everybody! Time to kick back and shmoke some weed! Dubya! Where have you been? Do you know it's November 5? What year? Election year! And you didn't even vote! And I didn't vote because I was waiting here, worried sick about you! Oh, the election! How'd that work out? Not so good. It came down to Texas, and you lost by one vote.

Capricorn Ten by CHUBBY 10-20-04

Can you believe it? I lost one of my home states! And by one vote! If Laura and I had voted, I woulda won! And if I looked like Brad Pitt, I could be fucking Jennifer Aniston. Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Hey, I know! I'll open my presidential liberry! No you won't. I ate all the books.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Capricorn Eleven by CHUBBY 10-20-04

January 5, 2005. The electoral votes are tallied up by the President of the Senate: Vice-President "Dick" Cheney. ....and the state of Texas goes to (mumble mumble mumble). Twat's that? I cunt whore you. I have an ear infucktion. Gotta go see the dicktor about it. I lost, OK? Bastard. Leave me alone. All I want to do now is go back to Halliburton. The company I'm going to fire in two weeks? Oooh, if you listen closely, I think you can hear their stock dropping! HAHAHAHAHA! Hey, "Dick"! I don't believe we've met before. I'm John Edwards, your replacement. HAHAHAHA! Fuck off, kid.

Capricorn Twelve by CHUBBY 10-20-04

January 20, 2005. 12:01 PM. So, what will you do now? Well, I can't have my presidential liberry, so I reckon I'll open a pettin' zoo with my goat. Um-- Dubya?-- what's it like-- I mean, having an imaginary animal follow you around, like you have? It ain't so bad. You get used to it, just like anything else. See ya. Well, that's good to know. C'mon, you. I bet you're sorry you ever wished for a three-foot cock.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

BOO!