Porter Goss, International Man of Mystery: 1. Cold Wars by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Dick, lately, the intelligence community has sucked ass. Big time! We need someone who can bring fresh new ideas to fight the war on terror! How about an unreconstituted Cold Warrior who hasn't worked at the CIA since the JFK administration? But where can we find such a man? Cryptofascistco, Columbia, MD. Brrrrrrrrr. It's cold in here. I think this must be the one they want. Close enough for government work, I always say! Hehe!

2. Colder Wars by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Mornin, Ralph. Mornin, Frank. Busy night? Nah. I got one stiff on the rotisserie right now, but that's it. Check on him in a couple hours. Boy, I love the slang of this profession. No, seriously, that's how we thaw them out. Put a stick up their ass and slow cook 'em over a fire for a couple hours.

3. Coldest Wars by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Which stiff are you bbq'ing? 007.1. It says in the log you were supposed to thaw out 007.2! DOH! Hey, how come there are so many strips about Cryptofascistco, Columbia, MD? By amortizing the cost of the sets, props, costumes, actors, etc., over three series, the stripper gets some kind of huge tax writeoff. I don't know, I leave it to those bean counters at corporate.

4. Wars so cold you could plotz by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Who's 007.2? Porter Goss, International Man of Mystery. And who am I slow-roasting? 007.1. The Hyena, World's Deadliest Terrorist and Free-lance Assassinâ„¢. Is that good?

5. Good Grief, Colder Wars by CHUBBY 12-09-04

We'd better put 007.1 back in the fridge and thaw out 007.2. I'll do it tomorrow. It's quitting time. You better do it now. Overachiever. He's gone! Here's another nice mess you've gotten me into! DOH!

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

6. Even more cold wars by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Oooooh, my head. Where am I? Cryptofascistcoâ„¢, Columbia, MD. You're Porter Goss, International Man of Mystery. I remember now! I was frozen at the height of the Cold War, to be thawed out when the country needed me to strike the death blow against the Red Menace of the Soviet Union. Oh, that. No, we beat them. How? Three funerals and a dingaling.

7. Get it-- Andropov? by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Let's see. First, Brezhnev died of a cold. Then came Andropov, who died of a cold a few months later. Then came Chernenko, who died of a cold a few months after that. Then came Gorbachev. What did he die of? He's still alive. But he's mostly harmless. Mostly? Well, he did cause that awful Gorby gridlock.

8. Cold Porter by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Three Soviet premiers dropped dead in a few months? That's right. And nobody got suspicious? Nope. We were very discreet about it. Not that I'm saying we did it. Oh, I guess that was before they cured the common cold, right? Uh......

9. Cooked Goss by CHUBBY 12-09-04

So, this Gorby came in..... Right. And he was youngish, for a Soviet premier. And his wife, Raisa, was a hot POA. For a Soviet first lady. That's not saying much. Well, no. But she was better-looking than ours. But what about our president? That's why we won. We finally had somebody in there who was older and crazier than the enemy.

10. Flashback by CHUBBY 12-09-04

What's that music? Shhh, I'm having a flashback. Twenty years earlier..... My fellow Americans..... I have just signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union forever. The bombing starts in five minutes. Back in the USSR..... WE SURRENDER! THIS GUY'S FUCKIN' NUTS! You don't know how lucky you are.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

11. Death Valley Days by CHUBBY 12-09-04

And who was this great American that single-handedly won the cold war? Ronald Reagan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! RONALD REAGAN! THE HOST OF DEATH VALLEY DAYS! HAHAHAHA! STOP! YOU'RE KILLIN' ME! No, I'm serious! HAHAHAHAHA! NEXT YOU'LL TELL ME THAT HIS VICE-PRESIDENT WAS GEORGE "DOOFUS" BUSH! Uh--

12. Hall of Presidents by CHUBBY 12-09-04

HAHAHA ha ha ha. Wait. You're not kidding. Never. Not in a comic strip. Ronald Reagan won the Cold War. Yep. I'd like to shake his hand. Down the hall, last door on the left.

13. Fin de siecle by CHUBBY 12-09-04

What year is this? 2004. Damn. I distinctly left a wakeup call for December 31, 2000. Why? I wanted to celebrate the New Millenium. Musta been one hell of a party. It was, but for some reason, they had it a year early.

14. Get the door. It's Domino's.â„¢ by CHUBBY 12-09-04

So, how's the war in Indochina going? Over. So we won? No, actually, they did. Oh my God. Did they invade California? No, they skipped that and went right to Wisconsin.

15. The Forty-year itch by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Hey, it's been forty years. I hear you, brother. A man has needs. Say no more. I gotta take a Nixon. Fourth door on the right.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

16. Wrong door, wrong place, wrong time by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Hey, that wasn't the men's room! Oh, you wanted the men's room? Yeah. Sorry, I misunderstood you. Did you find it ok finally? No, I figured while I was in there, I'd leave him a little gift.

17. Walk like an Egyptian by CHUBBY 12-09-04

So, why was I revived? This whole Middle East thing has really gotten crazy. The Middle East, you say? Must be that bastard Nasser and those Egyptians. They were in league with those Commies. Uh-- Thank God we brought Saddam and the Shah to power. I bet they're stabilizing influences over there. Don't forget the Saudis.

18. Calling Ralph on the porcelain phone by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Actually, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Sure. What? Well, my buddy Ralph defrosted the wrong guy. Can you talk to Ralph? Sure. What's he look like? He's a fat, ugly, old drunk.

19. Laughing hyenas by CHUBBY 12-09-04

..... so, you see, I thawed out 007.1 instead of 007.2. Heh heh. Hey, you made a mistake. It could happen to anybody. Ha ha ha. Sure. That's what I told Frank. Heh, heh, heh, heh. I mean, it's not like you freed The Hyena, World's Deadliest Terrorist and Free-Lance Assassinâ„¢, right? That would be a disaster! HAHAHAHAHAHA! ..... Um, excuse me. I have to go take a Nixon.

20. Gridlock by CHUBBY 12-09-04

There's no time to lose! To the Gossmobile! I hope you've got money. We don't validate. I don't even have my ticket. Well then, we'll have to charge you back to 1958. Oh, no. What could be worse than this? You need exact change.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

21. Get the lead out by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Luckily, the company gave me a lot of money. I'm good to go. Don't forget to gas up your car. I have two bucks. That should fill the tank.   ?   What? Is leaded gas more expensive now?   !

22. It's greased lightnin'! by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Back already? How'd it work out for you? No, dumbass. My car won't start. I need to borrow yours. Nothing doing. I've got a heavy date. Do you know how to drive an automatic?

23. Turn to the right by CHUBBY 12-09-04

Well, you seem to have the hang of this automatic tranny thing, so I'll just..... Get back here. I need directions. Turn right at this light. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!! HEY DUMBASS! CAN'T YOU SEE THE LIGHT'S RED?????

24. Meet George Jetson by CHUBBY 12-09-04

I'll be damned. How long has that been legal? Oh, a long time. Thirty years. I would think there would be mass carnage on the streets. Nah. I guess most people don't have old jalopies like this. They probably have those automated jet cars, right?   ?

25. Right on Red by CHUBBY 12-09-04

I can't get over it. Believe it. Right turn on red. Yep. This is more surprising than the fall of Communism. The whole country took a sharp right four years ago. We're fighting a different red menace now.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Porter Goss, International Man of Mystery: 26. No left turns by CHUBBY 12-10-04

Whee! This is fun! Right on red! Hey, you know what? I'm going to go around the block and do four rights on red in a row! You know, technically, you're supposed to come to a full stop first. Do you? Of course not. Don't be stupid. Nobody ever does. Hey, what's that? That's a red light you have to stop for.

27. The First Republican by CHUBBY 12-10-04

Let me handle this. I'm a professional. Okey dokey. Good morning, officer. Good morning. License and registration, please. Here's my ID. You can call me Al-- short for Alexander Hamilton. Hey, a silver certificate! You don't see these much anymore.

28. Is that a Gila Monster in your pants, or..... by CHUBBY 12-10-04

Sir, are you attempting to bribe me? Oh, no, officer. I thought you were selling tickets to the Policeman's Ball. And you, sir. That's an open container. This is medicine just in case I get bitten by a Gila Monster. There are no Gila Monsters around here. I always keep one in my pants. Just in case.

29. A Heap o' Trouble by CHUBBY 12-10-04

Sir, I was going to let you off with a warning. Now I've got you on attempted bribery, open container, expired license, carrying a concealed weapon,..... OK, officer. You've forced my hand. I'm going to reveal something we are sworn never to tell anybody. But this is a vital matter of national security. This oughta be good. Slowly. Keep your hands where I can see 'em. I'm Porter Goss-- International Man of Mystery. Yeah? I'm Offisa Pup, from "Krazy Kat". Hey, if you don't believe me, call my control officer, Bill Casey.

30. Country Roads by CHUBBY 12-10-04

OK, sir, you and your friend are going to have to come down to the station house and straighten this out. Don't I get a phone call? You can call from Parkersburg. PARKERSBURG? The DC stationhouse is Parkersburg, WEST VIRGINIA? Hey, whatever Senator Byrd wants, Senator Byrd gets.