Santa Claus knows who's been naughty and nice, and he only give good presents to nice children. He has traditionally given coal to naughty children, but environmentalists have petitioned him to stop this, because burning coal pollutes the air. So Santa has decided to give naughty kids presents more befitting their naughtiness. So this contest is two-part. It is this: The world's worst kids and the world's worst presents Santa can give them.

Write a strip or series of strips about the world's naughtiest children and the presents Santa gives them for being so naughty.

I will judge this contest on the holiday my calendar identifies as Yule.

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WW 33: When Sally Was Bad by biped 12-14-04

Mommy, I shaved the cat's legs. OMIGOD!!! FLUFFY!!! Daddy, I filled up your gas tank. With pancake syrup. HOLY FUCKED-UP SHIT!!! MY BENZ!!! Santy Claus! Did you bring me the Barbie Makeover Salon I asked for? No, Sally. You've been so bad this year, your parents have requested that I force-feed you fifteen pounds of microwaved buffalo shit.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

WW III.3 by kaufman 12-14-04

Mr. President, did Santa Claus give you anything good this year? You betcha, Dick. I got Iraq.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

How are we supposed to compete with that? Oh well.

WW33: I'm dreaming of a... by quodlibet 12-15-04

Good going, smartass. Look, all I wanted was some snow to play in!

WW33: O holy night by quodlibet 12-15-04

Roast...ham for dinner? And...three sticks of coal per person? We wanted to make it up for bombing your holy city of Fallujah on Ramadan. Fair's fair, right?

WW33: Give the gift that keeps on giving by quodlibet 12-15-04

What am I getting today, Dad? Heroin and herpes.

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

WW 33: Cornhole on the Cob by BigFrank105 12-16-04

Wow! Santa! Was I good this year? Are you gonna give me lotsa presents? Presents? Ha! I'm going to tie you down and shove hot fireplace pokers in your ass and piss on your face! So I was good?

The holiday that my calendar identifies as Yule is December 21, the Winter Solstice. It is identified as a Pagan/Wiccan holiday. Get your last minute entries in before this competition ends for good.

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WW- Yeah, it's something like that by xxausrottenxx 12-21-04

Charles Manson: age 5 now son, i know you asked me for that newfangled Risk board game. The one you said was for mass destruction of the earth. But money is tight, so santa is gonna give you a bunch of confused women that kid is gonna make one hell of a lawyer

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xx( o Y o. )xx

WW 33: Bad Bobby by biped 12-21-04

Hey, Santa! While you were fucking around in here, I went up on the roof and took a big, steaming crap in your sleigh! WHY, YOU LITTLE -- What's the fuck's this? POWER RANGERS? Well, you can just take that shit and cram it straight up your ass! ASSHOLE! YOU -- YOU'RE A VERY BAD -- FUCK you! Who the FUCK gave you the right to judge my fucking behavior ANYWAY, you FAT OLD SHIT-EATING, COCK-GOBBLING -- THAT'S IT!!! I'M KILLING YOUR MOM AND DAD!!!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Few strips come close to following the rules, and the ones that come closest are in bad taste and show lack of imagination. So I'll let this competition continue until Christmas, and hopefully by then something worthy of winning will show up.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

I'm sad to report that this competition has been a failure. There wasn't a good strip that followed the rules. So I'll just judge it based on which strip was best. Kaufman's strip about Bush was the best one, but it broke the rules, because President Bush is a grown man. But to keep things going, I'm ending this competition and turning the next one over to kaufman.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.