The Dick Who Came To Dinner by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Darling, the most wonderful thing has happened! Guess who's coming to Ohio, here, to our house! The leader of the free world! Dubya? Of course not, don't be stupid. Dick!

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 2 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Why would Dick Cheney come here? Maybe it's because it was Ohio that pushed them over the top to win the election. But why our house? Maybe he just wants to thank a typical Ohio family. Maybe he wants to thank us for our generous contributions to the party. Maybe it's because you're Wally O'Dell, inventor of the crooked Ohio voting machine which leaves no paper trail? Maybe it has something to do with that, too.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 3 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Yes? Secret Service, ma'am. He's here to do a sweep of the house before Dick's visit. Strictly routine. Lucky thing I was here, ma'am. I found this negress upstairs. Later..... That's our maid, Velveeta.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 4 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Here he comes! Dick, welcome to our humble home. Yeah, whatever. Where's your humble crapper? Last door on the right. Thanks. I have to take a wicked dump and I don't like to use that head on Air Force Two unless we're flying over a blue state.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 5 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Wally-- Now, dear. This is important. It's just dinner, a photo op and then he's gone. An hour, tops. You can stand him for that long, can't you? You're right. I'm sorry, dear. I can put up with almost anything for an hour. Thank you, dear. Whew! Do NOT go in there! You talk about your "dirty bombs"!

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 6 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Ma'am, are you almost ready for dinner? Yes, Velveeta. Oh, Velveeta? I'd like you to meet Dick. Nice to meet you. WOO HOO! Brown sugar! Excuse me? Oh, don't play dumb with me, baby. I know you'd like to meet the Vice-Presidential Staff.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 7 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

So, why do they call you Velveeta? Because you spread easily? HARHARHAR! It was my parents' idea. Well, I guess it doesn't really matter what the help is called. No. As long as they come when you call them! HARHARHAR! It'll look better followed by "Esq."

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 8 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

You're a lawyer? I just finished at The Ohio State University Law School. I take the bar exam next week. Bar exam, eh? Well, let me help you study. Make me a Rob Roy, would ya? HARHARHAR! Seriously, though, I couldn't get into law school. Go figure.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 9 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

I mean, I didn't have the advantages you have to get into law school-- affirmative action and all that. I got in on my own merits. I was first in my class in college. Cuyahoga County Community? Oberlin. Where I also got in on my own merits, because I was first in my high school class. East Cleveland Vo-Tech? Shaker Heights High. Want to quit while you're behind?

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 10 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Well, I couldn't have even afforded law school. I couldn't get scholarships like you coloreds do. Actually, I worked three jobs to get through school. My mother was a janitor, my father dug ditches. His grandfather was a slave. Well, I don't think I'm meant to be in a courtroom, anyway. Don't be so modest, Dick. What do you mean? What about your three drunk-driving arrests?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 11 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Well, at least you're not one of "those" coloreds who feeds at the affirmative action trough. Like Clarence Thomas? I don't care what you think, I'm not prejudiced. Why do you say that? In my home state of Wyoming, there is no discrimination against black people. In your home state of Wyoming, there are no black people.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 12 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Do you have a job lined up after you pass the bar? Yes, I'm going to be clerking for Associate Justice Breyer. Hey, ain't it time to eat yet?

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 13 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Velveeta, while you've been entertaining our guest, the dinner's gotten cold. Would you reheat it? It would be my pleasure, ma'am. Hey, how's she going to reheat that? Men. Honestly. How do you think she's going to reheat it? In the microwave. *THUNK

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 14 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

All I can say is Dick had an incident while visiting the O'Dells. A doctor is checking him now. Dick is conscious and lucid, and at no point was the 25th Amendment invoked and Dubya put in charge. How am I doing, Doc? Give it to me straight. It was nothing. You're fine. You'll probably outlive me! Hahaha! Haha. Well, that's good to know. Thanks, Doc. *THUNK

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 15 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Dick, I have news, but I don't want to tell you now if you're not in the best of health. What did the doctor say? He said I'm fine. What's the news? Maybe you should get some rest. In the long run, it's not going to matter if I tell you now or tomorrow morning. I told you, I'm fine! What's the news? The House has introduced articles of impeachment against you concurrent with a federal indictment that was handed down today. *THUNK

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 16 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Doc! Are you OK? Yes. I must have had one of my spells. You've got to come right away! Why? Dick's collapsed again! Hurry! *THUNK

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 17 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Well, Doc, what's the word? You're fine. That's what I keep telling everyone. They don't believe me. I don't know why they make such a fuss. You should get checked by your own doctor, but you should be able to fly back to DC on Air Force 2 tonight, no problem. *THUNK Oh, dear. *THUNK

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 18 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Dick! Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. Then we better get back to DC. I mean, no! I'm not fine! I'm very sick! Then we should airlift you to the Cleveland Clinic-- I'M SO SICK I CAN'T BE MOVED, DUMBASS!

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 19 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

I CAN'T BE MOVED! (*WINK) I CAN'T HAVE ANY STRESS RIGHT NOW! (*WINK) GET ME? Ahh, I get it now, sir. I'm going to have to stay here INDEFINITELY. I'll have to run the country from here. Get me everything I need. Oh, and you better tell the O'Dells. *THUNK *THUNK

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 20 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Dick, this is Parnell Jefferson-- It's about time you got here! These pillows need fluffing! And you call this a breakfast? I ordered eggs over easy and crisp bacon, not-- Dick, you didn't let me finish. This is Parnell Jefferson, M. D. Stand up, Dick, and bend over.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 21 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

So, you're a doctor? That's right. We're doctors, lawyers, astronauts, senators, cabinet members. Someday, there'll be a black president. Over my dead body. Yeah, well, whatever.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 22 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

I understand this must be strange to you. You probably can remember a day when black people couldn't work in white collar jobs. I remember a day when black people couldn't work in minstrel shows.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 23 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

So, I suppose you didn't benefit from affirmative action, either. No, I didn't. And you were first in your high school and college classes? No, I wasn't. Aha! Velveeta just barely beat me.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 24 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Where do you work? I just finished my residency here. I've accepted a job at St. Jude's Hospital in DC. As soon as Velveeta takes her bar exam, we're going to move there. Oh, are the two of you an item? If by "item" you mean brother and sister, yes. That's sick.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 25 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

What else do you do while you're waiting to move? I volunteer at the Planned Parenthood Clinic. What do you do there? Whatever's necessary. Abortions? If necessary. I promised Velveeta nobody would have to go through what she went through.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 26 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

So, Velveeta, I understand you had an abortion. That's right. I'm not ashamed. No, dirty little sluts like you never are. Your brother's kid, too! It wasn't my brother's. I bet you don't even know the father's name. No, I don't. I was raped by six Klansmen.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 27 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

You were raped by six Klansmen? That's right. You were probably asking for it. I was twelve. "I was twelve"! That's always the last refuge of a little slut.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 28 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

I don't get it. The GOP wants to outlaw abortion. You say you respect the rights of the fetus. But when that fetus is born, it doesn't have any rights-- even for food, or shelter, or education. What's up with that? Duh. If there's no underclass, we can't be the overclass, can we?

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 29 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Mother, what's going on? I come home from school to find this! These last few days have been crazy with Dick holed up in the master bedroom. And he's running the government from his sickbed? Of course not. Don't be stupid. Yes, Syria! And if you have any bombs left over, drop them on Iran!

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 30 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Well, hello there, cutie. Excuse me? Aren't you Wally O'Dell's daughter? That's right. Now if you'll excuse me..... I think we're going to be very good friends. I'm Mary Cheney.

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 26 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

So, Velveeta, I understand you had an abortion. That's right. I'm not ashamed. No, dirty little sluts like you never are. Your brother's kid, too! It wasn't my brother's. I bet you don't even know the father's name. No, I don't. I was raped by six Klansmen.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 27 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

You were raped by six Klansmen? That's right. You were probably asking for it. I was twelve. "I was twelve"! That's always the last refuge of a little slut.

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 28 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

I don't get it. The GOP wants to outlaw abortion. You say you respect the rights of the fetus. But when that fetus is born, it doesn't have any rights-- even for food, or shelter, or education. What's up with that? Duh. If there's no underclass, we can't be the overclass, can we?

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 29 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Mother, what's going on? I come home from school to find this! These last few days have been crazy with Dick holed up in the master bedroom. And he's running the government from his sickbed? Of course not. Don't be stupid. Yes, Syria! And if you have any bombs left over, drop them on Iran!

The Dick Who Came To Dinner 30 by CHUBBY 1-04-05

Well, hello there, cutie. Excuse me? Aren't you Wally O'Dell's daughter? That's right. Now if you'll excuse me..... I think we're going to be very good friends. I'm Mary Cheney.