"The $3500 Scotch" 1 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

The Borgota Hotel in Atlantic City has a $3500 Scotch. Seriously. Who'da thunk it? Me, a lowly brewer, pick up Paris Hilton and a shitload of money at the Algonquin, and now, after a night of spectacular, mindless fucking and a limo ride, here we are at the Borgota! And after this weekend, I move to Vermont to start a brewpub with my pal, Shorty. Wow, this place is great, Paris. Good call. That's hot.

"The $3500 Scotch" 2 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Ah, Miss Hilton, welcome to the Borgata. Always a pleasure. Won't you step right in? Have a drink on me. That's hot. Hey-- where do you think you're going? I'm with her. Oh come on. It's not that funny.

"The $3500 Scotch" 3 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Oh, that's funny. You and Paris Hilton. What are you, a janitor? I'm a brewer. Same thing. How did you meet her? My ex signed Paris Hilton to a talk show and had a million dollars cash and kept swallowing diamonds in the martinis but thought I was going to put her in porn and left and then I picked up Paris. Paris Hilton is doing a talk show?

"The $3500 Scotch" 4 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Yeah, sure. Do you have any idea how many times a day I hear that story? Fuck off. OK, pal, you're asking for it now. A couple of days ago, I might have put up with this. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do, big shot? I'm going to report you to the manager. What's your name? Vic Tiffany. VIC TIFFANY? What are you, the love child of Sammy Davis, Jr. and Shirley MacLaine?

"The $3500 Scotch" 5 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Vic Tiffany. T-I-F-- Yes, I know how to spell it. My favorite movie is "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Wussy. That's it, pal. You're just digging yourself deeper. Now, what's the manager's name? Vic Tiffany. How do you spell that?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

"The $3500 Scotch" 6 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

So, you're the manager, eh? Well, there's proof of the Peter Principle. Well, then, I guess I'll have to see the owner. NOBODY sees the owner. Ever. Even me. We'll see about that. What's his name? Mr. Big. Did you all escape from Turner Classic Movies?

"The $3500 Scotch" 7 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Even if I can't see Mr. Big, I'm sure Paris' family knows him, and when she finds out how you've treated me, I'll have your job, my good man. Oh? And why would she do a thing like that? Because we love each other, dammit! Oh, dear, she's banging the Salvadoran busboy again. Shoo, shoo!

"The $3500 Scotch" 8 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Officer! Am I glad to see you. What is it? Vic Tiffany-- if that's his real name-- won't let me into the Borgata with my date. So? So? This is America! Land of the Free! Home of the Brave! I have rights and privileges as a citizen of this democracy-- Sir, would you face the wall, drop your pants, put your hands behind your head, and bend over, please?

"The $3500 Scotch" 9 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Mr. Tiffany? Sorry to bother you, sir, but there's a man out here who claims you barred him from entering and he wants to lodge a complaint. Oh, him. Yes, get rid of him, would you? Jail, an unfortunate accident-- I don't care. The thing of it is, sir, is I searched him and he has almost a million dollars on his person and-- A MILLION DOLLARS? Right this way, your table's waiting. Well, ok. What good is sitting alone in your room?

"The $3500 Scotch" 10 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Here you are, sir. Sorry about the misunderstanding. I've instructed the staff to take very good care of you and Miss Hilton. Let me know if I can be of any assistance. Well, that's more like it. Here Vic, say hello to my friend Ben Franklin. Thank you, sir. Hey, Benny's got lots of clones-- know what I mean? Paris, there you are! That thug Vic Tiffany tried to keep us apart, but I showed him a thing or three. That's hot.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

"The $3500 Scotch" 11 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

OK, Paris, I'll hold your seat til you get back. After you get back, you're on your own! HAHA! Good evening, sir. I'm Vinnie, your bartender. Welcome to the Borgata. Thank you, Vinnie. What's your finest scotch? MacAllan Barrel Aged Single Malt, sir, but it is thirty four-ninety nine. That's a mere bag o' shells to me, Vinnie. I'll have two.

"The $3500 Scotch" 12 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Oh, my, that was good. Miss Hilton's not back yet from powdering her nose, so I'm going to have hers. You won't tell on me, will you, Vinnie? Haha. No, sir. Haha. Ahhhhh. What can I get you now, sir? Two more.

"The $3500 Scotch" 13 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

There you are, sir. Thank you, Vinnie. You know, funny story. When Johnny Walker Blue came out, I saw it on a scotch list priced at $5. I thought that was a lot, but I had one. Then the bill came. And? They charged me $25 for same! The manager was all, "You should have known it was $5" and I'm all, "Oh, let me consult my scotch price list I always carry on my Palm Pilot." You know, all sarcastic. So, what happened? Well, I paid. But I left a very small tip.

"The $3500 Scotch" 14 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Two more, Vinnie. Anyway, now here I am drinking $35 scotches, and not even batting an eyelash! Sir, you misunderstood. They're not $35. I know, they're $34.99. Same thing. No, sir. They're $3500. PBBBBBBBBBTHHHHHHHHH!

"The $3500 Scotch" 15 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Paris! There you are honey. I'm in a bit of a jam. That's hot. WAIT! DON'T DRINK THAT! THOSE ARE $3500 EACH! She already knows. What do you think she's been drinking all night? That's hot.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

"The $3500 Scotch" 16 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

She's been drinking $3500 scotches all night? That's right. Oh, well. I've got a million dollars. Even if she had several, that would hardly put a dent in it. She also bought several rounds for the house.

"The $3500 Scotch" 17 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

OK, there you go. We're good now? Yes, sir. Thank goodness. At least I still have about a fifth of my money left. A 25% gratuity is considered standard, sir.

"The $3500 Scotch" 18 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Well, that cleans me out. But at least I had enough for the tab and tip. Thank you, sir. Have a nice night. Thank you, Vinnie, but I'm not leaving just yet. I'm waiting for someone. Well, I'm leaving. My shift's over. C'mon, Paris, let's go up to your room. That's hot.

"The $3500 Scotch" 19 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

I'm in Atlantic City..... broke...... my girlfriend's left me..... my fiancee's left me..... Oh, well, I guess the worst is over. Nothing else bad can happen to me. Can I get you anything else, sir? I'm the night bartender. Oh, no. I was just leaving. There's a small matter of a bill to be settled, sir. I just paid my bill! Before she left, Miss Hilton bought another round for the house. And then she ordered several cases of MacAllan sent up to her room. I think she wants to take a bath in it.

"The $3500 Scotch" 20 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

There you are, sir. I'll take that whenever you're ready. What am I going to do? Oh, hello, sir. Everything all right? Yes, thanks, Vic. Good. Someone told me you were having trouble paying your bill and I'd hate to have another murder on my hands tonight.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

"The $3500 Scotch" 21 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Murder? Heh, heh. You're joking, right? You don't really murder people who don't pay their bills, do you? Of course not, don't be stupid. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I thought so. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have people who do that sort of thing for me.

"The $3500 Scotch" 22 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

You murder people who can't pay their bill? Of course. What should we do? Have them work it off washing dishes, like in old Laurel & Hardy movies? Sure. Why not? To pay what you owe, on a dishwasher's salary, would take about four hundred years. And what should I say to the poor dishwasher? "Sorry, another deadbeat. You'll have to go home again tonight, Ma."

"The $3500 Scotch" 23 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Anyway, what do you care? Don't you have enough money? Oh, sure. I just can't believe you'd kill someone over something so trivial as a bar tab. Sir, did I see you take a mint from the cashier's station? Yeah. Aren't they free? FOR HIGH ROLLERS ONLY!!! I'll tell the dishwasher she can come back to work now.

"The $3500 Scotch" 24 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Officer! Am I glad to see you. Vic Tiffany-- We know all about it, sir. Please step aside and let us do our job. Mr. Tiffany? The body of a guest from your hotel was found in the bay this morning. He'd been murdered. So? Would you please ask your boys to dispose of the bodies on the ocean side? That way, they get swept out to sea.

"The $3500 Scotch" 25 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Last call, sir. I'll need to settle up this bill. Well, I might as well tell you. I don't have any money. Why did you order all this scotch? well, for one thing, I didn't know it was so expensive. This is the Borgata, sir. I know. I just wish Paris hadn't borgated all that scotch.

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

"The $3500 Scotch" 25 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Last call, sir. I'll need to settle up this bill. Well, I might as well tell you. I don't have any money. Why did you order all this scotch? well, for one thing, I didn't know it was so expensive. This is the Borgata, sir. I know. I just wish Paris hadn't borgated all that scotch.

"The $3500 Scotch" 27 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Our source says you and Miss Hilton were drinking heavily at the Algonquin, and then you eloped. No, that's ridiculous. He showed us a copy of the marriage license. God, if I get out of this one, I will never drink again. He says it was right after you dyed your hair bright orange. My hair's bright orange?

"The $3500 Scotch" 28 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

So, you don't have the money after all. C'mon, it's time for a little ride. Not so, fast there, Tiff. Do you know who you're talking to? Yeah. Dead meat. Wrong. It's Mr. Paris Hilton to you. We're married. What's hers is mine. I have enough to pay this tab and buy and sell this hotel a million times over. Lick my boots-- boy. You missed a spot.

"The $3500 Scotch" 29 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

I'm terribly sorry about this, sir. If there's anything else I can do..... Yeah, there is. Get me another of those $3500 scotches. And leave the bottle. Sir, we're closed. We could lose our license. I can't serve you. Oh, yeah, BOY? Well, I want to be served! How do you like that? In fact, I DEMAND to be served! Look at him go. Annulment papers from Miss Paris Hilton. You've been served.

"The $3500 Scotch" 30 by CHUBBY 1-09-05

Annulment! This can't be happening! I'm afraid it has, sir. Oh, yeah? We'll soon see about that, my fine feathered friend. I'm sure she'll annul the annulment. We love one another. I'll call our room. An hour ago, she eloped to St. Tropez with Vinnie.