Why choadwarrior Would Never Live In The South 1 by ivytheplant 2-12-05

- All but a few places are at least 10 years behind in most everything. Some places even more. Check this out grandma! I got new parachute pants! My, my, dear. Those are indeed bright colors for knickers! - It's the home of Wal-Mart. This is the Wal-Mart Home Office. Would you like a tour? There's a gift shop. It's "radical!" Her hair is so big! I must look away, and yet, I am transfixed by its horrible beauty. - It contains neither style, nor substance. Come quick kids! NASCAR's on!

Isn't choad as far south as he can get without being in Mexico?

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Batman created by Bob Kane

While it may be Southern California, it definitely isn't The South.

Regime Change by choadwarrior 1-26-05

Do you think the U.S. should pull it's troops out of Iraq? That's a tough one... While I would like to see our troops come back as soon as possible, we need to make sure that whatever government is established doesn't turn into a fascist theocacy. I'd hate to see a repeat of what happened when the Union Army ceased its occupation of the South.

Petty Differences by choadwarrior 1-25-05

Something's different about you. I can't tell what it is. I didn't change nothing. Hmmm, it's almost like you look smarter. Well, I ain't wearing glasses, so I don't know why you'd think that. You aren't wearing your NASCAR hat!

This guy was from Texas:

Reasoning with Ronnie by choadwarrior 1-16-05

Everywhere you look, you see smut. Corporations lure people to buy their products with sex. For example, Dairy Queen calls some of their restaurants "brassieres." I don't think hamburgers have anything to do with women's undergarments. Actually, they're called "braziers," which is a method of cooking meat. I still don't think brassiere is a good name for a Dairy Queen.

The Cost of Actually Living by choadwarrior 12-11-04

I can't believe how expensive real estate is in California. Yeah, its pretty hard to get your foot in the door. Why is it so expensive out here compared to the rest of the country? Well, the weather is perfect... And we don't have to go to church like people in other states.

Okay...this happens in every Costco everwhere, but I made their speech distinctly southern:

How I Suspect The Poor Folk Spend Their Weekends by choadwarrior 6-19-04

Load up the kids, ma, we're going to brunch! You know we can't afford no fancy breakfast. This place ain't fancy, but it's alls you can eat and it's free! Super! Where is it? Costco! C'MON KIDS! WE'RE FIXIN' TA EAT SOME SAMPLES!

Southern California Livin' by choadwarrior 6-08-04

People ask me all the time why I like living in San Diego. Well, the weather is perfect. It has all the conveniences of a large city, but it's not as big as L.A. But most of all, I like it because nobody has asked me this question since I moved here from the Midwest... What church do you go to?

Apparently, I'm the Sinner by AccentuateNegative 12-31-04

This week, Texas Tech fans invaded I could live out here if it weren't for all the immoral liberals and the Hollywood elite. God'll get them flamin' homosexuals eventually. San Diego for the Holiday Bowl. Sure is great being away from home and the kids. I hope they had a good time. Hey, buddy, do you know where we can get some pussy? If I understand you correctly, you can back home with your wives.

Sod Busters by AccentuateNegative 12-11-04

This last election was a mandate. People are getting back to their moral values. Well, your moral values at least. Soon, we'll have a Constitutional ban on gay marriage and conservative Supreme Court judges to restore Christian principles in our laws and institutions. Theocracy has worked so well in the Middle East and throughout history, why not do it here? Also, Jerry Falwell announced he's reforming the Moral Majority. Yes, America, prepare to face the Day of Redneckoning.

Open Letter No. 3 by AccentuateNegative 11-03-04

Dear Midwest and South: We get it. You're pro-military and you don't think we're on the wrong track in Iraq. But voting against gay marriage in 11 states won't prevent a "backdoor draft."

Open Letter No. 1 by AccentuateNegative 11-03-04

Dear Rural Midwesterners: Thank you for your concern. But since terrorists are more likely to strike major U.S. cities than farms, don't you think us Big City Folk should have decided this thing?

Southern Cuisine by choadwarrior 2-12-05

If ya want some authentic Southern cookin' you should head over to the "Taste of the South." I've been there. What'd ya think? They should call it, "Everything's Fried."

Southern Cuisine (2) by choadwarrior 2-12-05

They say truckers know all the good places to eat along the highway. I don't buy that. That's cuz you never ate at the "Pump 'n Munch" Sounds appetizing.

Southern Cuisine (3) by choadwarrior 2-12-05

So what's your problem with Southern cooking? Everything is either coated in grease, covered in cheese, boiled until bland, sits like a brick in my stomach, or makes my ass whistle Dixie. I guess there's no point in recommending "Squat 'n Gobble" to you then. I honestly didn't think that was a restuarant.

The names of the above restaurants were not changed to ridicule the guilty.

Southern Cuisine (4) by choadwarrior 2-12-05

I'm gonna prove to you that Southern cookin' is good once and for all. How are you going to do that? I'm gonna take you to a restaurant that serves food that's as good as home-made. That's exactly my point. Whattaya mean? Most people are shitty cooks.

Southern Cuisine (5) by choadwarrior 2-12-05

A'ight. Order anything you want. I want a rack of lamb marinated in olive tapenade and served on a bed of mint cous-cous. I don't think they serve that here...what else sounds good to you? How about pan-seared wasabi-encrused ahi served rare with wild mushrooms in a ginger-soy beurre blanc? Look, these people know me here, so I'd appreciate it if you would order something less faggoty.

Actually "pan-seared wasabi crusted rare ahi" is usually really bland. With tuna, you've either got to season it and cook it or eat it raw and unadorned. All these fancy places who serve that because it sounds fancy bug me; it's never good.

Funny comics, though.

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

[u]Daily Specials[/u]

Monday: Deep-fried penis with a side of whale vomit.

Tuesday: Slices of Roast Lung with Denebian Slime Devils in a Sugar Glaze

Wednesday: Diarrhea Medley

Thursday: Entrail Goulash and Roasted Corn

Friday: Iguana Shit Smothered In Semen with Deep Fried Sphincter

Saturday: Leftover Smorgasboard!

Sunday: Alien Brains

wigurube sounded like Bill Cosby in my head in the Southern Cuisine series.

And I think you're being a bit too general with midwesterners, choad.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Oh yeah? Well, you're all a bunch of racists, too:

Southern Hospitality by choadwarrior 2-13-05

It used to be that we only had to worry about the nigras and affirmative action takin' jobs from us white folk, now we got them damn Messicans movin' in here. Well, since most of the immigrants speak little English and have limited education, they're really only able to compete for low-skilled, low-paying jobs. Low-paying, low-skilled jobs that rightfully belong to the superior white race! You'd think that superior people could easily get superior work with superior pay.

Why choadwarrior Would Never Live In The South 2 by umfumdisi 2-13-05

I now pronounce you man and... Bessie, is that yoo? Luke, you said you were moooooving to Atlanta? The only place he's movin' is inta the barn with yoo an' y'alls young'uns! ...and two guys getting married really bothers you people?

Why choadwarrior Would Never Live In The South 3 by umfumdisi 2-13-05

A few years ago, Tennessee passed the so-called Roadkill Bill. The bill was turned into a law which allows What the hell are you eating? motorists to collect and take home any animals they run over (and happen to kill) with their vehicles. Possum Pancake. Mmmmmm-Mmm. Ran over it myself. That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen or heard! The benefits? The state DOT saves money on critter cleanup, and citizens enjoy free "roadkill delicacies." Damn, boy, don't yoo eat sushi? Yeah, but I don't run over it with my yacht.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

I just found this oldie but goodie:

Aim Low, Shoot Low by choadwarrior 5-09-03

How come you aliens keep abductin' us and cornholin' us with anal probes? It's phase one of our evil plan. To take over the Earth? No, to make southerners seem stupid. We believe in setting realistic goals.

A nice bunch of cartoons, Choad.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Why choadwarrior Would Never Live In The South 4 by ivytheplant 2-18-05

Is there something you aren't telling me? Only that Loretta's been foolin' around with Mr. Ott down at the gas station, but you knew that already, I'm sure. Actually, I mean the cases of firearms in the gym. Oh that. Well, the senior class decided to get matching custom shotguns with the school logo rather than rings this year. The orders arrived today. Dreams of a violent regime change once again shattered by the reality of The South. Personally, I'm proud of them. They have such school spirit!

Why choadwarrior Would Never Live In The South 5 by ivytheplant 2-18-05

I seem to be lost. Can you tell me where the high school is? This is it, fella! Are you sure? The parking lot's filled with pickup trucks adorned with gun racks and... Please don't tell me that's the future of this country. I'm the principal!

Why choadwarrior Would Never Live In The South 6 by ivytheplant 2-18-05

The language. Hey thar, Marylou! I shot me sum possum jest now. Be a gal 'n fitch it fer me! Boy howdy, pappy! Wur gunna have urselves a feast t'nite! The culture. Hey thar, Marylou! I shot me sum possum jest now. Be a gal 'n fitch it fer me! Boy howdy, pappy! Wur gunna have urselves a feast t'nite! The cuisine. Hey thar, Marylou! I shot me sum possum jest now. Be a gal 'n fitch it fer me! Boy howdy, pappy! Wur gunna have urselves a feast t'nite!

Southern Charm by choadwarrior 2-20-05

Excuse me, where would I find Brazil nuts? Brazil, I 'spose. I ain't never heard of Brazil nuts. Sigh...where would I find nigger toes? Oh, either Aisle Six or on the fellers workin' at the car wash, dependin' on what you meant.

One Summer in North Carolina (1) by choadwarrior 2-20-05

Y'all are invited to our pig pickin' tonight. Your what? Pig pickin'. I'm going to keep asking "Your what" until you tell me what the fuck a pig pickin' is. Dang, haven't you ever been to a barbecue before? Of course I have, but "pig pickin'" sounded like something I saw you people do to Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

One Summer in North Carolina (2) by choadwarrior 2-20-05

So you're serving pork at the pig pickin'? Naw, we're havin' barbecue. I realize that, but what are we having? Barbecue. Before you barbecue it, will it moo, cluck, or squeal?

One Summer in North Carolina (3) by choadwarrior 2-20-05

Since you're cooking the meat on the grill, I'm wondering why you have a giant fire going when it's 102 degrees and opressively humid? It's tradition? Y'all used to have a tradition of keeping slaves, but you stopped that nonsense too. Not by choice!

One Summer in North Carolina (4) by choadwarrior 2-20-05

I hope you saved room for some fresh peach cobbler. I sure did! How is it? I thought you said it was peach cobbler. This is apple cobbler. We ran out of peaches. Why did you call it peach, and how did you run out of peaches when I passed roadside peach stands every 50 feet on the way here? Arrgh, I don't fucking care anymore!

One Summer in North Carolina (5) by choadwarrior 2-20-05

After the Pig Pickin' I went to an ice cream parlour to cool off... Wow, you must really like Dolly Parton--Look at all this memorabilia. Yessir. I like to give my customers somethin' nice to look at. Well, it isn't creepy at all--I'll have an ice-cold banana split, please. Yes, something nice to distract them while I kill them and bury them in my root cellar. Is that Rhinestone poster authentic?