Okay, this has nothing to do with crocodiles or antidotes. I got that subject line in a spam and I figured I had to use it somewhere.

Ahem...

Do you dream of a better life? Do you want to get the respect that you deserve? Do you want to flaunt your superiority to the schmucks who made you miserable in high school gym class? Then Ivytopian Titles of Nobility are for you! Why should the British have all the fun?

Just listen to these satisfied customers:

[i]"I love my title so much! I feel a lot more special than I did five minutes ago!"
- Baron Joe McFly

"I never thought having a title was important. Now my sex drive has improved, I lost a ton of weight, I got a new girlfriend, and my dog came home!"
- Sir Billy Bob Tatum

"All the girls in the office are like, soooo jealous of me because I'm a REAL princess and they're only just pretend!"
- Princess Kelly Schumeister[/i]

Yes, just like these REAL customers, you too can be one of the elite Ivytopian Nobility!

But what is this going to cost you? Well, friends, thanks to our suppliers, who have only reluctantly agreed to lower their slave wages to RIDICULOUSLY LOW PRICES you can get a Gen-you-wine Ivytopian Title of Nobility for the LOW LOW PRICE of $00.00!

That's right! $00.00! We're practically GIVING these away!

Hurry and order your title today while supplies last!*

(Note, supplies are not limited. We just said they were so you'd think you had to get one now. Titles of Ivytopian Nobility are not guaranteed for weight loss or to bring your dog back, but will improve your sex drive. After all, women love a man with a title more than a man in uniform. No joke. The Prime Minister of Ivytopia said so.)

Sign me up for Ǖberlörd Jes_Lawson, Superfreak of the Realm, Defender of the Funk.

On another note, if the USA was to ever give out titles, I reckon Samuel L. Jackson should be one of the first recipients of the OBMF*, allowing him to use the title "Muthafuckin'" Samuel L. Jackson.

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*Order of the Bad Mother Fucker

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Congratulations, you are now officially Ǖberlörd Jes_Lawson, Superfreak of the Realm, Defender of the Funk.

Go now, my child. And spread the news!

The only title I see currently available at your link is Cannot Find Server. I guess that'll have to do.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Maybe it just doesn't like you.

i'd like to be grand dragon or kaiser.

if those aren't available, i'll take 'maharaj from the apprentice' or 'the gnarly laird hamilton'

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what if nigger meant kite

I would like to be named the Master and Commander of all things Grand, High, and Poobah-ish.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Call me Caesar.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I applied for President. Hopefully I get that.

The "Do you want to be ___ of ___" question was a little confusing. Do I put yes or do I fill the information?

Perhaps if you change it to "Where do you hail from?" and then put a short summary "(If you fill out this box, you get a super cool ending to your name, for example 'Sir John of Essex')"

Otherwise, this is super cool.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

quote:

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The "Do you want to be ___ of ___" question was a little confusing. Do I put yes or do I fill the information?

Perhaps if you change it to "Where do you hail from?" and then put a short summary "(If you fill out this box, you get a super cool ending to your name, for example 'Sir John of Essex')"

Otherwise, this is super cool.

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special enough for that short air conditioned bus

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what if nigger meant kite