This was my first attempt at creating a story arc. It was originally going to be a one-shot, but the story grew and grew. I hopes it works, in so much as it has a beginning, middle, and end.

I did not discover gabe_billing's Tobor Chronicles until late in the writing of TTOT. Funny how Clango comes off as a bad influence in both these series.

Enjoy

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part I by israphael 9-23-01

Hey, pal. What brings you around? You don't look so hot. TOBOR NOT FEEL WELL. HAVE PAIN IN DIODES IN LEFT SIDE OF BODY. We'll have you fixed up in no time, buddy. Hey, wait a sec. If you're here, who's terrorizing the city? TOBOR SENT COLLEGE INTERN TO DO WORK. Tobor will cornhole you now. As if.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part II by israphael 9-23-01

Tobor! Tobor are you there? We're getting complaints about your replacement. People are, excuse my french, getting a half-assed cornholing. Do something about it or you're fired! TOBOR IS VERY UNHAPPY WITH INTERN. WHEN TOBOR GET INTERN, TOBOR MAKE SURE INTERN CAN NOT SIT FOR LONG TIME. WHAT WILL TOBOR DO. MAYBE TOBOR ASK EX-WIFE FOR HELP. EX-WIFE OWE TOBOR FAVOR. Let me see if I have this right. You what me to put on the strap-on and...

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part III by israphael 9-25-01

TOBOR BETTER NOW. TOBOR GET BACK TO WORK. Not so fast now, Tobor. We gotta talk. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first. Since your ex-wife took over your route, profits have gone through the roof. You'll be glad to know that the stock for Manrape Inc. (NYSE symbol: MNRP) is up 200%. The bad news is that in order to keep profits high and cost low, we are eliminating some positions... including yours. TOBOR SO CORNHOLED NOW.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part IV by israphael 9-25-01

Hey pal, what's up? Why so glum? TOBOR'S BITCH EX-WIFE STOLE TOBOR'S JOB. Sorry to hear that. But hey, I wouldn't worry about it. I can fix you up with a job that is perfect for you. TOBOR NOT SURE. Buddy, trust me. Have I ever steered you wrong? TOBOR JUST EXPERIENCE REDUCTION IN TEMPERATURE ALONG CENTRAL WIRING COLUMN RUNNING DOWN TOBOR'S DORSUM.

Note: The bit about the temperature reduction along Tobor's dorsum is robot talk for a chill going down his spine.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part V by israphael 9-25-01

Tobor you're perfect. You're tall, sexy, and got a huge... er... um... instrument. You got what it takes to be a porn star, or my name isn't Ron Jeremy. PORN STAR??? And I got the perfect porn star name for you, Rod Shafter ROD SHAFTER??? Come with me and I'll introduce you to the boys. THE BOYS???

I actually have a friend named Rod Shafter (although with a different spelling) So Rod, if you read this, Gomen ne.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part VI by israphael 9-25-01

Rod Shafter meet Guy Cabellero. Let's do some good work today boys. Are we rolling? Good..... Action! RRRAAAAARRRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW! Cut! Tobor did you even read the script? Today I'm pitching and you're catching. RoboSlut, Take 2.... Action! CRAP!

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part VII by israphael 9-25-01

Tobor, we're going to have to let you go. Don't get me wrong, you've been doing some fantastic work. NOT AGAIN. It's just that we are moving to an all bukkake format. And as you are a robot, you are unable to... Umm... how shall I put this? TOBOR CAN NOT EJACULATE? No. What's the word I'm looking for... Emote! The audience has to believe you're enjoying yourself.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part VIII (Director's Cut) by israphael 9-25-01

TOBOR LOST JOB AS PORN STAR. TOBOR HUMILIATED. TOBOR CLIMB UNDER ROCK NOW. That's a shame. I thought it was the perfect job for you... I mean, you being gay and all. TOBOR NOT GAY! TOBOR STRAIGHT! TOBOR ONLY ASSRAPE MEN FOR MONEY. Sounds like denial to me. Earlier, In happier times. Oh yes baby... Right there... Give it to me... Harder... TEXAS RANGERS STARTING LINEUP: CARLOS PENA, 1ST BASE; MICHAEL YOUNG, 2ND BASE; SCOTT SHELDON, 3RD BASE...

I attempted to correct this strip two times. In the end, I still didn't get it right. In the final panel, Tobor should thinking about the Texas Ranger starting lineup and not saying it out loud. Still maybe if I recite baseball stats while lovemaking my girlfriend might find it sexy (or at least informative).

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part IX by israphael 9-25-01

Hey bud, forget about that old job. I'm sure I can hook you up with a new one, no problem. It's not a great job. In fact it's a step down from being a gay porn star. But hey, you gotta put food on the table. WHAT JOB COULD BE LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN BEING PORN STAR? I'd like to welcome our newest employees to their new careers as bicycle messengers. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

An Apology by israphael 9-25-01

Hi, it's Israphael again. Last week, I made an unfortunate joke about bicycle messengers breeding like sewer rats. After that strip was posted, I received a huge volume of hate mail and several ticking packages. So I feel that perhaps an apology is in order. I am very sorry if any sewer rats were offended by my thoughtless remarks.

"An Apology" serves as an intromission in TTOT, but also represents previous work of mine. For the better part of three weeks I wrote and he drew a strip for our college paper. This was almost word for word a strip that the editorial staff rejected. Instead of bike messengers we used Unitarians. We figured that Unitarian being so peaceful and open-minded about things, that they would be less likely to be offended and would see the humour in this strip. We never got the chance to see since the editorial board summarily yanked it. After three weeks, they requested that we not submit anymore material to the paper.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part X by israphael 9-26-01

OK, this is not rocket science. You take this package to this address, deliver it, and get the person receiving it to sign your delivery log. Think you can handle that? TOBOR UNDERSTAND. Wonderful. Now here is your bicycle. TOBOR WILL RIDE YOU NOW. Look, you don't have to have a relationship with the bikes. Just ride the damn things.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XI by israphael 9-26-01

TOBOR DELIVER PACKAGE FOR MR. WAINWRIGHT. I'm Mr. Wainwright's secretary. I'll take that package. PLEASE SIGN TOBOR'S DELIVERY LOG. Maybe another time, Hon. I've got a million and one other things to do today. TOBOR WILL MAKE YOU SIGN LOG. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XII by israphael 9-26-01

Tobor, I just received a call from Mr. Wainwright's secretary. What happened between you two? TOBOR DELIVERED PACKAGE TO OFFICE. SHE TOOK PACKAGE, BUT DID NOT SIGN LOG. TOBOR MAY HAVE OVER REACTED. Oh, I see. IS TOBOR FIRED? On the contrary. She wants to know if you are free for dinner tonight.

OK, I know this is unlikely to happen. However, Tobor lives somewhat a charmed life. Who else do you know who makes a living assaulting people.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XIII by israphael 9-26-01

TOBOR LOST. TOBOR CAN NOT FIND ADDRESS. TOBOR ASK FOR DIRECTION IN THIS BUILDING. You're late. Everybody's waiting for you. TOBOR GOT LOST. Sign over door: Human Resources. Never mind that now. Let's just get started.

Not funny, but serves as set up for next set of strips.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XIV by israphael 9-26-01

So, what are the results of the interviews and tests performed on our potential new employee? Tobor has questionable people skills. If you can call brutal personal assault a skill. We performed a personality inventory by asking him what he'd do in various hypothetical situations. The term 'cornhole' came up 3/4 of the time. We ran a lie detector exam on him. The needles never moved when he lied. Of course, they didn't move when he told the truth either. Then there was that disagreeable incident, when one of the secretarys took the last cup of coffee. By the way, we're still trying to clean up the break room. Gentlemen, I think we have our new executive trainee.

As the old saying goes: "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps"

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XV by israphael 9-26-01

Tobor: Regional Sales Manager TOBOR DISPLEASED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE. YOU DID NOT MAKE SALES QUOTA LAST TWO MONTHS. TOBOR DOES NOT CARE YOU ARE ONLY COLLEGE INTERN. YOU MUST LEARN THAT THERE ARE REPERCUSSIONS TO YOUR ACTIONS. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW. I hate my life.

Yes, I meant it to be the same college intern.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XVI by israphael 9-26-01

Tobor: Vice-President TOBOR NOT HAPPY WITH CONTRACT. YOU LEAD TOBOR TO BELIEVE TECH SUPPORT AND COMPONENT REPLACEMENT WOULD BE INCLUDED. I'm sorry you feel that way. I never promised those things would be part of the basic contract. It's the same deal we cut with most companies. TOBOR NOT APPEASED! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU ALL NIGHT LONG! THEN TOBOR WILL CRUSH HEAD, JUMP ON BODY, AND CORNHOLE CORPSE! Perhaps, I spoke hastily. I really can't see any harm in offering you tech support for free and in perpetuity.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XVII by israphael 9-26-01

Tobor: CEO THAT IS ALL FOR NOW, SECRETARY-WHO-GIVES-HEAD. PLEASE SEND IN SECRETARY-WHO-TYPES. OK Boss. SECRETARY-WHO-TYPES WHAT IS ON TOBOR'S SCHEDULE TODAY. 9 am: squash with the vice-president in charge of marketing, 10 am: motivational talk with the boys from R&D, 11 am: meeting with CEO of ManRape Inc. regarding our hostile takeover bid. TOBOR STRANGELY STIMULATED BY LAST BIT. YOU MAY GO. PLEASE SEND IN SECRETARY-WHO-GIVES-HEAD. Yes sir, Mr. Tobor.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XVIII by israphael 9-26-01

Hello, Tobor. It's good seeing you again. You're looking well. TOBOR NOT INTERESTED IN JIBBER JABBER. WHEN TOBOR LEAVE MANRAPE INC., IT WAS STRONG COMPANY. WHAT HAPPENED? Helmut got greedy and started embezzling. He split with the company's assets leaving me in charge. But I can't sodomize and run the company at the same time. You're enjoying all this, aren't you? TOBOR IS GIDDY LIKE LITTLE GIRL.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XIX by israphael 9-26-01

YOU LOST FIRE IN THE BELLY, EYE OF THE TIGER, AND OTHER CLICHE DENOTING WILLPOWER. TOBOR HAD TO PULL HIMSELF OUT OF GUTTER USING DESIRE AND HARD WORK. TOBOR WILL TEACH YOU MEANING OF WILLPOWER. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW. That's your answer to everything.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Trials of TOBOR, Part XX by israphael 9-26-01

That was wonderful. I always considered you the best lover I ever had. You always knew what I liked. TOBOR IS PLEASE AS WELL. We're OK, aren't we? I mean you and me.... no hard feelings or anything. TOBOR TAKE OVER COMPANY. AND YOU CAN CONTINUE ASSRAPING MEN. Fantastic! We always were a really great team. Come to think of it... I can't remember why... Why did we get divorced? WIFE NEVER REPLACE CAP ON TOOTHPASTE TUBE.

Nice happy ending. (Well as happy as it gets when you are married to a maniacal ass-raping robot.)

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

That was a fantastic series.

And I am definitely going to steal that "several ticking packages" line.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Bravo!

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Lots of people think anonymity brings them at a higher level of power... I just think it makes them larger dickheads than they really are in person. :-D

Never. What were his parents thinking?!