DEADLY FART WREAKS HAVOC

Metropolis-- Twelve city blocks were instantly demolished today after what stunned witnesses described as "the loudest, most powerful fart" they had ever heard ripped through the downtown area shortly after lunchtime. The deadly blast, which left in its wake a noxious cloud that had citizens gagging and passing out like flies, seems to have originated near the Daily Planet building.
"It was horrible," said reporter Lois Lane, a witness. "I had just returned from my lunch date with another reporter, Clark Kent, after a large meal of tamales, chili, and bean nachos. Clark excused himself and ducked into a nearby broom closet, which he is often known to do for some reason or another. And then all hell broke loose."
Clark Kent could not be reached for comment, although co-worker Jimmy Olsen summed the whole thing up by saying, "This was bad -- by far the worst fart I've ever experienced. And I've been to a three-bean chili supper at Ted Kennedy's house."

MAN EATS MOVIE THEATER HOT DOG

Arp, TX-- "I was hungry. I wasn't thinking straight."
The words are tinged with regret and a lingering shame as Buster Splet relates the story from his hospital bed. He still recalls the look of shocked disbelief on the face of the concession girl when he ordered a large Pepsi, a tub of popcorn...and a hot dog.
"I wanted a Coke but they didn't have Coke. They had Pepsi. Coke would've been my first choice. But they didn't have it." Splet wipes away a tear as the memories come rushing back. "It was a Julia Roberts movie, and she always makes me think of wieners. I must've blacked out. The next thing I knew, I was sitting there eating the hot dog. I found out later that it had been rotating around on that little carousel since the early fifties. There was a rumbling in my stomach, then Julia Roberts let loose with one of her patented horse laughs, and I just threw up on the entire first two rows. I'll never go to the movies again." When asked if he plans to sue the theater, Splet grimly shakes his head. "Nobody made me eat it. Like I said, I was hungry. At that moment, I probably would've eaten my own foot if it had enough mustard and relish on it."

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.