Pet Improvement | by Scyess 12-15-05

Hamsters are cute, but they're not cuddly. They're just too small. If you're going to have a soft, furry pet, you really need more surface area. I found out why all those hamsters were sewn together, but you probably don't want to know.

Pet Improvement || by Scyess 12-15-05

**RING** The next generation of my sew-a-bunch-of-hamsters-together-project is to make them into a warm coat. But who would want a coat that's constantly moving around and clawing your body with little paws? Richard Gere's on the phone. SCORE!

Pet Improvement ]|[ by Scyess 12-15-05

So my coat made of live hamsters is complete. There were a lot of problems to solve. One of the toughest was to find out how to avoid the embarassment of having your coat shit all over the place. Making all the tiny butt plugs look like Richard Gere was a nice touch. Thank you.

Pet Improvement |V by Scyess 12-15-05

Where's your coat made of live hamsters? It was a finished project, so I sold it. Now I need to find something new to work on. How about a pocket knife made out of live elephants? Now you're just being silly. How about a tank tread made of live PETA members? Now you're talkin'!

Pet Improvement V by Scyess 12-15-05

Who are you? I'm a representative from a huge clothing manufacturer. We want to mass-produce your live-hamster coats. But that's silly. The hamsters die so fast people would have to buy a new coat every three days. I see we're on the same wavelength already! Crime might not pay, but apparently legal evil can be quite lucrative. Yow! You didn't tell me you were a mind reader!

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"Old" is the old new.

Tickled my funny bone.

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Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

Your funny bone? My aim is way off.

More...

Pet Improvement V| by Scyess 12-16-05

The big gift item this Christmas is coats made out of live hamsters, causing a hamster demand to outstrip supply. Analysts working on models cross referencing that and the increase in average household credit card debt are predicting some ugly trends... "I know Mr. Snuggles is your pet, dear, but now he's worth more to us dead than alive. Now go find him." Like hell you will.

Pet Improvement V|| by Scyess 12-16-05

...they announced today that because of the new popularity of hamster coats, there is a real threat of a severe hamster shortage. At that point, they all agreed that "severe hamster shortage" is a funny thing to say; the rest of the meeting was dedicated to making up silly phrases, such as "midget shortfall conundrum." Bush's economic team then presented their report to the President, who reputedly squirted milk out his nose. 2008

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"Old" is the old new.

You're sick scyess.

This is probably why I invite you out so often.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

I must meet you face to face so I can shake your hand. These are genius.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.