Hail to TheGovernator!

Gulf War Round 2 #1 by TheGovernor 12-23-02

Secret Iraqi Bunker Hey Saddam, We've made preparations to provide you with cover if the Americans attack, unfortunately we couldnt get any people in the palace to make a human shield so we went with plan-B Whats Plan-B? We've filled your palaces' with Cats   !   Inside Saddams Palace...

Gulf War Round 2 #2 by TheGovernor 12-23-02

Research shows Americans will not support any attack conducted against defenceless moggies. Thats good to hear Cheap Character Plot Gap answer By the way my fearless leader, why are you dressed up like that plumber Mario from the videogame? Im going to a fancy dress party! So it wasnt just the fact he had a tash then. Well that explains that

Gulf War Round 2 #3 by TheGovernor 12-23-02

Meanwhile... Sir, CIA have been sending reports that a huge build up of Cats is taking place at many of Saddams' Palaces What proportion of the American populace own or love cats? Aproxamatly 23% sir, and then you have the Animal rights people to deal with Shit, wouldnt want to piss them off, they can get pretty nasty, remember what happened to JFK after he stood on that dogs tail? We should call Tony, see if he has any Ideas Tony who?

Gulf War Round 2 #4 by TheGovernor 12-23-02

Surely you remember Tony Blair? Buh? You know, Prime Minister Blair, English Guy, Our main ally in the War on Terror. Wha? Big-Eared Guy, wife hangs around with Shady Aussie property dealers. Oh that Tony! yeah what the hell give him a call.

Gulf War Round 2 #5 by TheGovernor 12-25-02

At Number 10... SIR Ive got that illiterate bonehead from america on line 3, im putting him through now, he said something about cats, but I couldnt reallly understand what the fuck he was on about Hello George, what can I do for you? Saddams pulled the a cat out of the bag, litterally. Hes filled his palaces with cute kittens in an attempt to win the propaganda war. You got any thoughts what we could do? hows cheryl? It's Cherie actually, Erm shit, oh well that scuppers that plan, personnaly to be honest I wasnt too keen on the war anyway, was only going along with it cos you said it would be a laugh

More to come... rate em.

Gulf War Round 2 #6 by TheGovernor 12-25-02

We gotta do it tony, we took a hit and now we gotta show the world who runs the show, and that Americans can still kick ass, besides my daddy said it would be ok sigh! And I gotta do what my daddy tells me, cos last time I didnt he grounded me for 2 weeks, hate to think what he might have done if I hadnt won the election like he asked. I miss Bill Besides we're America, and you brits have to back us up, cos we say so, and besides its either us or those smelly french and I know you really cant stand those frog munching bastards I wonder what old Bill's doing these days?

3pm: the alternative christmas message with Osama Bin Laden by TheGovernor 12-25-02

Undisclosed Location, outside Milton Keynes Hello Infidels, and Merry Christmas, It will probably be your last, ho ho ho, only kidding Ive been a bit of a shit lately, and well I thought Id apologise to you all, you see Ive come to the conclusion that fighting for religious reasons is not really a good way to spend your day So instead I thought Id bomb you westerners for simply being elitest fat arseholes who place their own interests in front of global issues, ha ha ha

3pm alternative christmas message continued by TheGovernor 12-25-02

Ive been trying to move Al-Qaeda into more legitamate areas of terrorism and away from the usual trademark random acts of violence So ive decided we are to launch a new cigarette called 'holy smokes' since each one will bring you that little bit closer with god, ha ha ha We've also bought up the distribution rights to all episodes of 'facts of life' and have sold them to networks at a price so cheap they cant help but show it woo ha ha!

The Asian Girls Christmas Special by TheGovernor 12-25-02

Do you wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year? yes

Especially for you by TheGovernor 12-30-02

Popular Aussie Soap "Neighbours" circa 1987 Gee Charlene, as the two most popular characters why dont we milk this temporary fame and run off to Brisbane as an excuse to start cheesy pop careers in the UK Good idea Scott, but I should be so lucky....hey thats not bad. And as we all know Kylie and Jason had successful pop careers and went on to carve out their own particular niches in the world of celebrity Streetfighter the movie?, hmm maybe just the vehicle im looking for to launch my hollywood career. Maybe if I pretend to be gay for a while people will start to like me again ...but their actions had consequences as they had opened up the floodgates for a host of c-list Aussies.... "Hey Mona! Ooh Mona! Tell you Mona what I wanna do, build a house next door to you!" Die McLaughlan... Stefan Dennis I'll deal with you later

More of the goods - from 2003

Jesus Inc by TheGovernor 1-02-03

Jesus you gotta do something about Easter, I dont think people understand the meaning anymore, and frankly the image of a bunny rabbit giving out chocolate eggs isn't helping. Hmm maybe it is time for a change, we've been letting this religion go a bit off on one lately haven't we? Later... You know how it is, we've had a good run, but Im afraid Im gonna have to let you go as my official death spokesman, sorry mate, its just not working out anymore. Best make yourself scarce Santa, the big man's just sacked me, and I think he's still looking to make cuts Shit, I hate corporate restructuring.

Jesus Inc: Easter Vacancy by TheGovernor 1-05-03

Jesus Inc hold interviews to fill the vacant Easter slot Im here about your vacancy in the Easter Department *sigh* sorry Death I dont think your people skills are quite up to the standard the post requires I sincerly appologise for the shameless use of Brad Pitt to further the plot of this comic The first rule of Easter is that you do not talk about Easter...The Second rule.. NEXT! The interviews continue I Be the Easter Pirate ARRR! Damn, maybe change isnt the best thing after all

Jesus Inc: Redemption by TheGovernor 1-05-03

Hey Priest I dont think this change is working out, none of the applicants have the pinache or social nous that that rabbit had, im seriously tempted to hire him back maybe in this spiritually devoid world the image of a rabbit with a basket of chocolate eggs is just the thing we need to snap the nations youth towards religious matters, I'l go try and find him Meanwhile the interviews continue Well I think I should get the job because my practical skills such as laying eggs seem to fit with the overall profile of the post Well you're the best candidate so far, but we'll get back to you Without the steady income of a corporate job, Bunny has fallen on hard times My god I never thought it would come to this, Im sorry Bunny, clean yourself up and we'll hire you back, its the only christian thing to do Well It was this or working at McDonalds, and well I do still have standards you know

Jesus Inc: Epilogue by TheGovernor 1-05-03

Ok bunny, Ive had a word with my old man, and we are prepared to hire you back, maybe with a 10 percent increase in wages dependant on perfomance this year great. Well Im glad thats sorted out. But you know whats really been bugging me, why we have a Jolly fat guy in a red suit breaking into homes to give presents to young children to represent my birthday? Yeah I've always found that rather odd, and maybe the picture of an old man favouring children is an image the church could do with getting away from. I think the gig is up. You got much put away Brian? Im essentially screwed no-ones hiring old fat guys any more. Ive heard of a guy in Zimbabwe who has 20 million dollars he needs to get out of the country so Ive given him my bank details and waiting for him to get back to me. I'll let you in on it if you like

Reasons for war by TheGovernor 1-06-03

Press Conference with the President Steve Nickells, British Press: So Mr President you have proof that Al-Qaeda have links with Saddam in Iraq? Not exactly But you do have proof that Saddam has a stockpile of weapons of mass destruction? Well No not really So what evidence do you have that Saddam and Iraq are a threat to the Western World? Well he sent me a Christmas card and wrote "Bush Smells" on it.

Wow, thanks, and I didnt pay him either!

More classics

Sun Tzu for Cats by TheGovernor 2-15-03

Cat versus the Birdcage as resolved by the Art of War Calculate a plan with the five woking fundamenatals of strategy: The Tao, Nature, Situation, Leadership, Art. If a fortified area is attacked, One's strength is compromised. Once a challenge is executed, if triumph is prolonged, the strategy becomes dull and the vigor dampened. Attacking a Fortified Area is an Art of last resort. You win this round bird

Jedi Knights of NI by TheGovernor 2-17-03

INT. Jedi Council, Coruscant Master Yoda, Ive come to ask the Council's Permission to train the boy Anakin. He is the chosen one Train the Boy you may Qui Gon, but only if you first build us A SHRUBBERY!!!!  Ni   Ni   Ni   Nu

Elementary Conan Doyle by TheGovernor 3-20-03

My word Holmes, you've done it again. You solved the case of the missing Rothmere diamonds but how did you do it? It's was Elimentary my dear Watson... I noticed in the footprints we found that the suspect walked with a limp, had ginger hair, a mustache, a penchant for small boys and was carrying a cat under on his right arm... Only Mr Mengigo fitted the profile and was criminally insane enough to attempt to smuggle diamonds out of the country up a cats bottom. Take him away Lestrade

Harry Potter and the great debate #1 by TheGovernor 3-20-03

After Hogwarts, Harry and Ron go to wizard college, where they start to drink booze, smoke magic weed, and discuss the more important things in life Come off it Harry, the best James Bond has to be the original Sean Connery It was Roger Moore Dude You cant be serious, Moore was the fat comedy Bond, Connery was the elite spy, man "Hazulbaar ZekkyThrub" *POOF* All right, all right, Moore was the best Bond Thought you'd see it my way

Motive by TheGovernor 3-25-03

A.D. 35 ...and the winner of this years 'Most Benevolent Man in Judea' award goes to..... Jesus of Nazareth. Sadly Jesus can not be here tonight,... ....and so accepting the award and prize money of 10,000 sheckles on Jesus's behalf is his very close friend, Judas Iscariot.

And one more lot of funnies. Enjoy.

Johnson's Log by TheGovernor 4-01-03

Day 20: I've been stranded at sea with Jane on this life raft for just under 3 weeks now. Fresh water supplies are low, and the rations are sparse. The situation is quite grim, if we do not find dry land, or are rescued soon we will probably die out here... Fancy a shag? On the other hand things aren't looking that bad.

Good Friday by TheGovernor 4-18-03

Jesus Ponders his last words Hmm, lets see, it has to be pithy, yet easy to remember... Has to give my death meaning, yet be original,, wait, Ive got it!!! I'll BE BACK!

If duelling were legal, I'd be dead by now (part 1) by TheGovernor 4-25-03

Is this really necessary? You insulted my honour, I demand satisfaction. Walk ten paces, turn and fire Can't we just have make up sex like everybody else? That depends Depends on what? Depends on my aim

If duelling were legal, I'd be dead by now (part 2) by TheGovernor 4-26-03

What if I said im sorry? I think its a little late for sorry I can't see what I did that was so wrong, I had a great time at the party You got drunk, made a pass at my best friend and then said I'd agreed to a threesome with you two Is it my fault she said yes?

If duelling were legal, I'd be dead by now (part 3) by TheGovernor 4-26-03

You did put bullets in my gun right? Maybe Come on, do we really have to go through with this? You must admit it is rather harsh, Ive said I'm sorry. Have you no compassion? I'm not completely heartless Thats a relief I mean I will probably cry at the funeral

Kai's master plan has made an increase of the voters on TheGovernor's side

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The dictator of love and his weapon of mass destruction