Jake's Dictionary
A Dictionary of the Language of Jakeish
As edited by R.A. Badash
Editor's Note
Jakeish is a rich and flourishing dialect of New Scots English, with roots in the adolescent slang found in the towns of Oban and Glasgow, where Jake 'the' Kidd spent his youth. However, most of the words found here were formulated and first used over a period of several years when Jake enjoyed a healthy but largely non-sexual relationship with myself, and the language reflects the nonsensical and humour-based nature of Jake's social liasons and that of his general funtime philosophy. Much of the language is based on lavatorial and basic sexual humour, as well as complex in-jokes and variations on his earlier linguistic forms. The other principle reason for the words being the way they are probably derives from Jake's spell in a lunatic asylum some years ago.
ARMADILDO, an armoured dildo.
ARRAN DILDO COMPANY, originally a small pornography outlet run by Jake, now a multinational player in the global music business, managing such high-profile acts as Red Star Antares, but still providing high-quality sex toys and pornography at an affordable price.
ARRANNUAL, or ARRANULE, a yearly summer holiday taken on the charming island of Arran, complete with biblical plagues of midges and amusing camping incidents.
BAMBOO, as in, "a touch bamboo," used to describe a somewhat haywire or pear-shaped situation, eg. a party gone completely out of control.
BARBAJUE, a barbacue in which the main meal being served is Jewsmeat.
BEZZING, a crazy, Manqunian, tribal dance, based on the technique first pioneered by Mark 'Bez' Berry with his band the Happy Mondays, and best performed to early-1990s Britpop tunes, preferably in Qudos after many pints of lager. (Warning - such behaviour can lead to the loss of said lager, and pakora, all over the floor moments later.)
BILBOLA, or BILBOWARD, 1. corruption of 'dildola'; 2. corruption of 'dildoward'.
BOWAHD, 1. corruption of 'Howard'; 2. general conversation filler or term of agreement and understanding.
BUBBLE BYE, a standard pleasantry on departure.
CAHLLINN, a stupid dweeb, perhaps called Colin (eg. MacDonald).
CANADA GOOSE, shit. The origin of this phrase was a misinterpreted radio program. To 'shoot the Canada goose' means to take a shit. (As does, to 'swab te poop decks'.)
COMIN' OUT?, one of Jake's earliest catchphrases, often used to indicate his desire to proceed in an outwardly direction on his bicycle, from which he was, for many years, inseparable.
CONDOMULATION, the secret and ancient art of putting on a condom.
COWARD, when Howard pulls one of his famous runners.
CUMBUNK(ER), a private place to indulge in secret masturbatory pleasures.
DANIELSON, wax-on, wax-off. Apparantly.
DIAL-A-DIL(DO), a new 24-hour phone-wanking service, this wholly-owned-subsidiary of ADC provides customers with round-the-clock emergency deliveries of sex toys of all shapes and sizes, etc, to locations within the Glasgow / Arran region.
DILDOGRAPHY, the study of dildos. Hence DILDOGRAPH and DILDOGRAPHER.
DILDOLA, a tombola-style raffle in which the main prize on offer is a dildo.
DILDOWARD, a dildo used by Howard.
EHHN!, general conversation filler. If timed correctly, can be very appropriate in certain circumstances.
EJACULATTÉ, a cup of coffee into which someone has ejaculated.
FARTANDBURP, a threat which is intended to be taken seriously but can only be laughed at. First coined by Howard's younger sister Rosie, who once famously said, "Gimme the keyboard or I'll fart and burp."
FISHFINGERS, an act of female masturbation.
FUNKANDSPUNK, used to describe the simultaneous evacuation of all of one's orifices. Originally derived from 'fartandburp'.
HEARD YOU'RE A DWEEB, the first thing Jake ever said.
HEARD YOU'RE GAY, one of Jake's earliest common insults, often aimed at random passers-by.
HOP ON, BABY!, an amusing but as yet ineffective chat-up line.
HOWARD, a tall and lanky geezer from Anniesland, originally a figure of much amusement but now a hero firmly rooted in Jakeish folk history. Also a standard greeting, useful in all situations. Nowadays, 'Howard', and its many offshoot spellings, pronounciations and even separate words, is by far the most commonly-used word in Jakeish.
HOWDY, popular American English greeting, in Jakeish often followed by, 'Arabian!'.
HOW HARD, as in, "how hard, Howard?," a useful gauge to determine tyre pressure.
HULLABBUH, often preceding 'Howard', this is a corruption of the English, 'hello'.
I'M OUTTA HERE!, phrase uttered by Howard when pulling one of his famous runners.
INDEEDE-DO-DA-ULE, a strong term of agreement.
JENEGA, as in the Jenega Convention, an occasional event which sees the congregation of all the females called Jenny on earth. The most recent Jenega Convention, the first in 13 years, was held at Cheesy Pop on Friday night and attracted 70 million Jennies.
JENNY, a bit like the blank letter in Scrabble, this utterly indefinite article can, basically, mean anything and be used in any circumstances.
KUNKBUNK, corruption of 'keyboard'.
MAOWARD, 1. corruption of 'Howard'; 2. spasmodic conversational crutch. NB for added effect, stick your tongue in front of your bottom teeth and behind your bottom lip, spastic-style, while saying this word.
MAOWCUM, 1. corruption of 'Malka Seltzer-Grant'; 2. see MAOWARD.
MIGHTASWELL, general term of unfussed, if somewhat ambivalent, agreement.
MILNGAVIE, as in, "I'm from Milngavie." (Pronounced 'mulgaye', a stupid, pseudo-middle class suburb north of Glasgow.) One of the earliest existing examples of Jake-speak, this phrase was originally a standard greeting.
MMOWWWMOWWWLUMM, as in, "Tonight, on News at Ten... Mmowww Mowwwlumm!" This is another entertaining but largely ineffective chat-up line.
NAZIJEW, a cross-breed of a Nazi and a Jew.
ONION, a huge consumption of alcohol. This word came into use after hearing a story about Ros Pomfret telling her husband Roger to, "go out and buy an onion." He returned several hours later, utterly inebriated, and without an onion. (NB A useful cookery tip is to use an onion in every meal!)
PARNOW, also PERNOD, cryptic codeword for pornography, allowing its discussion in wider, public conversation.
QUABBLE, when a disagreement occurs or has occured.
QUACKATOA, a duck making a lot of noise or emitting lava.
QUACKATTACK, 1. corruption of 'quota'; 2. when one is attacked by a paddle of ducks.
QUAWARD, 1. corruption of 'quota'; 2. general conversation filler; 3. corruption of 'Howard'; 4. a general greeting or term of agreement or endearment.
QUOTA, 1. corruption of English, 'quite,' as an uncertain form of agreement; 2. when one has things to do - often with a masturbatory undertone - one is said to have 'quotas to meet'.
RINGANDBEEP, recent corruption of 'fart and burp', etc.
SAHARA, a ridiculously popular girl's name. Any girl you ever meet will be called Sahara (the occasional Jenny notwithstanding).
SCARFACE, a girl with scars on her face, presumably from plastic surgery.
SCUMBLE, some sort of oily turps-related substance. (Guh, Idunnoboss...)
SHOCKEROONO, very disturbing. Also, SHOCKEROONIE.
SNOGGY DOG, or SNOGGER DOGGER, an aesthetically pleasing, small and friendly dog. After SNUG-A-VOWY, a corruption of SNOWY (the editor's own dog).
SONETBIP, see RINGANDBEEP. This is the French translation.
SPUNKADIL(DO), when spunk comes out of a dildo, or when one spunks on a dildo. Also, 'spunkonaG-string', likewise.
SPUNKANDFUNK, later, ruder variation on 'fartandburp'.
STOOL SAMPLE, in this case, 'stool' meaning a short wooden chair.
URRMUHR, lit., 'mine'. As in, "muhrrIDsnofak", which translates as, "my personal identification is not fake, it's the genuine article mate."
VARDACUE, a barbacue in which the main meal on offer is Vardr.
VARDR, rather unfortunate mother of Malka Seltzer-Grant. "Passengers are reminded that 'No Vardr' is allowed on the train/plane etc," is a phrase originating from a street sign once seen in Hyndland - curiously near the Pomfrets' house - which read, 'Novar Dr.'
VHARI GOOD, not really.
WACKY BACKY, used to describe those situations in which a stoned, but not unattractive, female stranger asks for a go on the back of your bicycle.
WANKANDCUM, later, ruder variation on 'fartandburp'.
WANKING LUNCH, to engage in masturbatory pleasures at an early hour of the afternoon.
WELMOED, or VELMOT, 1. general conversation filler; 2. a charming young Dutch lady director.
WHAUEVUH, 1. I'll probably get round to that later, but then again I might not; 2. "I'm not listening to what you're saying,"; 3. Corruption of English, 'whatever'.
WHEAOUH, 1. often as in, "Guh... wheough!", or on its own as a highly useful conversation filler, for example as the answer usually given by Jake when he would rather not address the question asked. This is perhaps one of the loudest examples of Jakespeak. It has also been used as a road safety assurance motto (accompanied by a sweeping hand movement), translating roughly as, "it's safe to cross", particularly when it isn't because Jake is cycling past. See MAOWCUM for additional tips on pronounciation; 2. 'Way Out', a convenient sign used to indicate a building's exit; 3. Corruption of English, 'where', as in, 'schockeroono theuhrrr... wheurh? theurh, wheurh? theurh..., etc.
WOWARD, 1. corruption of 'Howard'; 2. expression of surprise or astonishment.
ZOOT, strong term of aggreement, like 'sure'.
ZOOTING, understanding, as in, "I know what you're zooting about."
ZOWT, corruption of 'zoot'.
ZOWTING, as in, "do you know what I'm zowting abowting?!?".
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