This is an actual transcript of a phone call I had today (except my last comment is something I wished I'd said...)

True Stories of the Reference Librarian Patrol 4/21/07 Pt. 1 by UnknownEric 4-21-07

I was wondering who the Johns Hopkins Lacrosse Team is playing today. Navy. Who? Navy... the U.S. Naval Academy. What state's navy? Wait... what?

True Stories of the Reference Librarian Patrol 4/21/07 Pt. 2 by UnknownEric 4-21-07

What state's Navy? The United States Navy... the whole country. Yeah, but what state? Well, the Naval Academy is in Annapolis, Maryland, but it's still the United States Navy, not the Maryland Navy. Well then, what state's Navy is it? What's your address... I have a kick in the face I'd like to send you.

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I has a flavor!

You'd probably like my new service KickInTheFace.com. For a modest fee, I can search our network of over 7,500 registered 'Master Booters' across the country and find one close to your designated kickee. With instant payment via credit card or Paypal we can have your kick delivered within 15 minutes or it's free! You can even log onto our website and see your kick delivered in real time! The future of stupidity related violence is here!

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

you mean something like this?

The FPD: Making A Difference by AngryAmerican 8-03-06

Hello. I am here to talk to you today about the F.P.D. The Federation for the Pummeling of Dipshits. As you know, stupid people are a plague in our great nation and indeed, the world. Life can be challenging enough without the added frustration of dealing with the common-sense-deficient. It has been somewhat scientifically proven that kicking the living shit out of morons every now and then makes them more receptive to to thoughtful action and helpful advice.

The FPD: Making a Difference by AngryAmerican 8-03-06

We at the F.P.D. need your support. Just a few dollars a month can forever change an idiots life and make the world a better place to live in for all of us. Just think, for the price of a couple of cups of coffee a month, your donations can keep our 'fucktard counselors' out of jail and out there making a difference every day. But don't take our word for it, listen to some success stories from some former shit-for-brains...

The FPD: Making a Difference by AngryAmerican 8-03-06

I was stuck at a red light blocking 2 lanes of traffic instead of pulling up a bit and letting at least one lane through when a FPD activist pulled me out of the window of my truck and punched me in the face til i passed out. After i got out of the hospital I realized we all have to share the roads and my actions were inexcusable and frustrating to those around me. Thank you FPD! Even though i'll never see out of my left eye again because my optic nerve was severed, you showed me the light.

The FPD: Making a Difference by AngryAmerican 8-03-06

I used to work the burger line slaving over the hot grill. Then one day i put extra pickle on a burger when the order clearly said NO pickle. Lucky for me that sandwich was for a member of the FPD, who proceeded to drag me over the counter and stomp me into a coma. When i woke up 6 months later, my boss was so impressed with the maturity i acquired while hanging between life and death that he put me on the front counter! Thanks FPD!!

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Kill Whitey.

FPD by AngryAmerican 8-03-06

I was always too busy getting fucked up in school to pay much attention, so admittedly, i was pretty dumb. Well this one time i tried to get into a bar with a fake ID, but fortunately for me, the photo on the ID was the wrong race and sex and the doorman just happened to be a member of the FPD. Long story short, after the doctors reconstructed my face and my arms were fully healed i went back to school and got my GED. Now i'm readin at a 7th grade level and have a promising career as a busboy. I donate a bit of my check every week to the FPD cuz they turned my life around. Thankey!

FPD by AngryAmerican 8-03-06

So you see, we're out there on the front lines making a difference every day. Sometimes our clients require multiple beatings to become the productive members of society they've always wanted to be. And let's face it, lawyers aren't cheap. We just can't do this without your generosity. Remember our motto, "We Give Til It Hurts You" We're all in this together, if you do your part to stamp out stupidity, we'll do our part to stomp it out. Thank you, and good evening.

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Kill Whitey.

I  made this alternate ending for you:

Reference Librarian - Remix by lukket 4-22-07

Based on /comics/UnknownEric/390624/ What state's Navy? The United States Navy... the whole country. Yeah, but what state? Well, the Naval Academy is in Annapolis, Maryland, but it's still the United States Navy, not the Maryland Navy. Well then, what state's Navy is it? What's your address? I want to hit you so badly that your worries will be what state YOU'RE in.

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troelsea at gmail dot com

More reference fun!

True Librarian Stories: Raw... Naked. by UnknownEric 5-04-07

Do you have a complete catalogue of Norman Rockwell paintings? Yes, but only a non-circulating copy. Oh, okay, I'll go check this out. No, non-circulating means you can't... *sigh* 10 minutes later. Why won't the circulation desk let me check out this book? Because you're retarded.

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I has a flavor!

My day make me scrape my face off with some scissors.  How was yours?

True Librarian Stories: Shudder in Revulsion. by UnknownEric 5-04-07

I need this specific obscure art book from 1924. Let me go check our storage area. 5 minutes later. I'm sorry, sir, but that book is missing from our collection. Well, where is it? If I knew where it was, it would hardly be "missing," now would it?

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I has a flavor!

Oh, and while I'm on the topic, the woman who asked the question in panel number two of this classic was recently arrested for running a crack house.  Shit, what a shocker!

Reference Questions From Another Dimension Part One by UnknownEric 6-26-03

These are actual reference questions. Names have been eliminated to protect the stupid and insane. Hi, can I help you? Yes, I'd like to know who invented the automobile... Henry Ford or me? Hi, can I help you? Yes, I need information to prove my theory that dentists are trying to take over Baltimore and rename all of the monuments after teeth. Hi, can I help you? Yes, I need to trace my genealogy. My family's originally from a secret city under the Atlantic Ocean.

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I has a flavor!