"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #1 by biped 3-27-11

Howard J. Green--THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Please...not now. I have the runs. Really, really bad. It's, err...dribbling down my legs. See if you can recognize THIS voice!

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #2 by biped 3-27-11

Ever have that dream where you're at school in your underwear? And you've skipped classes all semester, and it's final exam day? No, I have never had that dream. However, I shall now observe you having it.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #3 by biped 3-27-11

Uhh...after you pull the pin on the grenade, you're supposed to throw it away. Oh. I must've missed that step during training. Uh-huh. Well,... you'd better report to the infirmary. The infirmary? Why? Because of my horrible injuries?

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #4 by biped 3-27-11

I can't reveal much about myself. Let's just say that I'm in the vanguard of artificial bovine intelligence. What--you mean like talking cows or something? Yes, it's called "Project Smart Cow", and--well, I really can't, uhh... just forget I mentioned it. Fine. Anyway, I could never have sex with such an irresponsible blabbermouth. Yeah, and these "smart cows"--huh?

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #5 by biped 3-27-11

Pa, where do babies come from? Oh, all over, son. Milwaukee... Pittsburgh... Albuquerque... No, Pa, I mean-- how did I get here? OH! Well son, it was on account'a something me 'n' yer Maw done together. Not sure what, though. We do a heap of things together.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

My favorite was #3, followed by #5

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Qwest

Here are more of the same or lesser quality.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #6 by biped 3-28-11

All right, ma'am... what did the man look like? What man? The man you called us about. The man who broke into your house. What house? The, uhh...house we're standing in. I'm standing? Holy shit!

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #7 by biped 3-28-11

Mmm-boy! I sure like them new Shrimpy Treats! "Shrimpy Treats"? PFFFFT! The artificial flavoring is atrocious! Well...I ain't never had no real shrimp, and thus have no basis for-- NEVER HAD REAL SHRIMP? Titter, guffaw! Why, you must be joking! You--you get real shrimp? GET real shrimp? I was RAISED by shrimps! I'm FLUFFY OF THE SHRIMPS!

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #8 by biped 3-28-11

YOU HAS THE MOST LARGEST BREAST I HAS EVER SEEN. SIR, this is a bookstore, not a... a "breastorium." BREASTORIUM? WHERE IS BREASTORIUM? Oh, honestly. It was only a snide retort. There's no such thing as a "breastorium." TYLER...BUY BOOKSTORE. TYLER...TURN INTO WORLD'S FIRST "BREASTORIUM." Well okay, but I'm still reserving the left one for personal use only.

Sequel to #7:

Fluffy of the Shrimps by biped 3-28-11

Look! It's a baby land dweller! He must have fallen overboard. We've always wanted a child. We will raise him as our own. You mean I'm not like the other shrimps, Mommy? No, Fluffy. You are really a land dweller. Me Fluffy--you Debbie. Come live with me in my undersea world of shrimps.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

biped, sometimes you're the reason I get out of bed in the morning.  Sometime's you're also the reason I go to bed, because then I can get up in the morning and read more comics.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Comments like that give ME a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Which is confusing since I sleep on a couch.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #9 by biped 3-30-11

If you have sex with another human being, you are having sex with meat! MEAT!!! Sex Vegans only have sex with PRODUCE!!! If you have sex with HUMANS, YOU ARE INSANE!!! "PERVERTS! FEASTING ON SEX MEAT WITH YOUR SLIMY LUST GLANDS, WHEN YOU COULD BE HAVING DIVINE VEGETABLE ORGIES UNTIL YOUR GENITALS EXPLODE!" What the fuck happened to these kumquats?

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #10 by biped 3-30-11

You sold me two male water buffalos.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #11 by biped 3-30-11

Henderson...you're fired. Let me guess--this is about me screwing your wife, isn't it? No, it's about your inexcusable mishandling of the Baxter account. Now get out. Wait, what?

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #12 by biped 3-30-11

I'd like ten gallons of Vaseline, please. Ten gallons of Vaseline? Wow--you must having an orgy! Ha ha, just kidding. Actually, the Librarians' Guild is having a contest to see who can shove the entire works of Dean Koontz up their ass.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #13 by biped 4-01-11

Your weiner was hanging out during Mass today, Father. WHAT? Why in the blue blazes didnt you tell me?!? I didn't know until I saw it on YouTube. Somebody took a video with their cell phone, and-- Duck feathers and double-dipped fudge! Well, I can only pray nobody sees it. ARGHH! "DICK ROLLED" AGAIN!

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #14 by biped 4-04-11

Well Dad, I'm head of accounts for the entire northwest sector now. How do you like my swanky new executive office? Son, every time I look at you, it makes me want to punch myself in the balls and slap your mother. So, Abner, how was your visit with your successful big-city son? What--you ghost-writing my fucking autobiography or something? How was your visit with your dad, Mr. Sanderson? I hope it went well. Hmm? I'm sorry, Splet. I must've missed the part where it was any of your motherfucking business.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #15 by biped 4-06-11

Welcome to my humble village, rich American tourist. I give you personally guided tour for only one million dollars. Only one million dollars? That sounds reasonable. YOU PAID SOME STUPID KID A MILLION DOLLARS FOR A TOUR? MOM, YOU FUCKING SHIT-FOR-BRAINS ASSHOLE!!! "Fucking shit-for-brains asshole"? Well, that sounds reasonable. I'm sorry, ma'am. The fruit cup no longer includes an extra spork. It doesn't? Oh, dear...that's unreasonable.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #16 1/2 by biped 7-17-11

Hey, Ted--have you ever surgically transformed anyone into a hideous monster against their will? I sure have. Why, I remember it as though it were only yesterday. "The operation was a complete success, yet my new creation was plenty steamed for some reason..." I don't understand. You represent some of my very best work. But...I'm BRAD PITT! I'm supposed to be handsome...not HIDEOUS!!! So that's why he looked so different in his last movie. I thought it was my imagination. Close, Bill...it was MY imagination. Ha, ha. (wink)

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #17 1/2 by biped 7-17-11

Mommy, why did Woofy have to get hit by a bus? Because of you. Daddy, why did Meemaw and Papaw have to die? Because of you. My whole family--Dead! MURDERED! Why? WHY? Because of you.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #18 by biped 7-17-11

I'm your real dad. How about a sandwich? I...I guess so. (BURP) That was great. Mind if I watch you take a whizz? Uhh...okay. ...so you see, Debbie, you were the victim of the old "real dad" scam. You mean you really ARE my dad?

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #19 by biped 7-18-11

Pa, who's your favorite Star Wars character? Star who? See, that's why I'm ashamed of you, Pa. You don't know nothin' about stuff like Star Wars. But I...I'm just a simple farmer... ...who loves masturbating to Asian she-male vomit porn.

"Laff-a-Day" Funnies #20 by biped 7-18-11

She's here, Father! We can begin the wedding now. Wonderful! I can't wait to meet your lovely bride. OINK!!! OINK!!! Okay, I'm pretty sure that's an abomination.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

#'s 12 and 19 make me laugh much more than the others, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

I'm sure they are good reasons.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

#18 all the way.  If there were a comic competition about scams it would easily take second.

That one's autobiographical, except instead of a "real dad" scammer it was really a guy giving out pizza coupons.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.