In case you're wondering where I've been lately ...

 

That Does Not Commute by kaufman 10-18-22

************** All of this is true, except ************** for the parts I made up. Like so many of you, I seldom left my house for over 2 years during the pandemic. It's true I'd put on some pounds, gotten out of shape, basically turned into a slug. But when I got the call to return to the office, I didn't hesitate. Oh man, that walk from the DC subway to the nondescript govenment building in which I worked was suddenly serious torture! Just a few more steps. 1... 2... 3... 4... 1... 2 ...

Flat Line? I thought this was the Red Line! by kaufman 10-18-22

As the weeks went on, I felt myself getting a little stronger, though that walk was stiill hard work. I smiled as I started my last trek home of the week. I had to stand on the crowded Metro train until we reached a transfer station. Then I was able to slip into a newly vacated seat. Ah. Apparently, that wasn't comfortable enough for me, as I proceeded to almost immediately drop dead.

Shock it to me! by kaufman 10-18-22

But fortune smiled upon me. An off-duty nurse was on my car, and she apparently proceeded to perform CPR and call 911. Out of the way! I know what I'm doing. Within minutes, the paramedics were on the scene. We need to fix his heartbeat, Joe. Grab the defibrillator, will you? Uh, will that help? Who cares? It's sure to go viral on youtube.

Code Blue Light Special by kaufman 10-18-22

Ok, that last strip is speculation pieced together after the fact, but it's definitely true that a couple days later, I came back to full consciousness. You're in a hospital. You suffered a heart attack on the Metro. Your coronary artery is blocked. You need a triple bypass. But don't worry. We can rebuild you. We have the technology. We can make you better, faster, stronger ... Ah. Like the Six Million Dollar Man! Actual price. Hooray, insurance! Well, not quite. The list price on your stay here will only add up to about a quarter mil. I'm being surgeried by K-Mart!

 

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

You should have seen the other guy by kaufman 10-18-22

The surgery was successful, and my recovery is going great, or I wouldn't be here to tell this tale. But in the process, I learned something that would change everything: Because of me alone, they had to shut down the Red Line. I did that! For my secret superhero identity was no longer a secret. I am ... ... CAPTAIN METROCIDE! No longer faster than a speeding bullet, but able to stop a powerful locomotive in a single (missed) heartbeat.

Tracks of my tears by kaufman 10-18-22

The only problem is that DC's Metro sy Morning, Captain. Hello, Captain. stem is so awful, darn near anyone ca Good morning, Captain. Hey, Captain. n bring it to a halt. How ya doing, Captain. Can't talk. Got a train to crash.

 

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

That's some scary stuff, but I'm very happy to hear you're okay now. Welcome back to the land of the living, I'd say I saved you a spot but I kinda need to be somewhere so, y'know, can't afford to have this train get cancelled...

---
"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."