your horoscope for next year.
Brought to you by Wierd Al Yancovic.
Aquarius
More travels in the future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus, fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole seventeen hours a day.
Aeries
Try to avoid any Virgo's or Leo's with the ebola virus, you are the true lord of the dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
Toros
You will never find true happiness, what are you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up to a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence, your love life will run into trouble when your fiancée hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of Duck tape up your nose when taking your drivers' test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss' face. Oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry quick.
Virgo
All Virgo's are extreme friendly and intelligent, except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.
Now you might find it inconceivable or at least rather bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars have a special deep significance and meaning that applies to only you. But let me give you my assurance that all forecasts and prediction are all based on solid scientific documented evidence and you would be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them was absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember how your appendix burst in three?
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip, when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back… …Kill them. Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person but you know they are lying. If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never leave my house again.
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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"
