This is the letter and my resume:

Husky Injection Molding Systems Ltd.
PET Processing Technician
Reference Number: BOL-SAL-CUS-0023
Location: Bolton (near Toronto, Canada)
Function: Sales and Service

Summary: Husky requires a PET Processing Technician on the Bolton campus.

Description: Working in the PET Processing and Optimization Department, your primary responsibility is to provide PET processing support for in-house projects and for our customers, including field integration, mold start-ups, system optimizations and factory audits. You will also serve as a troubleshooting resource to ensure that system performance and productivity are maintained. Additionally, you will deliver theoretical and hands-on training to both Husky employees and our customers globally, on all aspects of PET processing.

Qualifications: Successful candidates will ideally have five or more years of experience working directly with Husky machines, molds and/or systems, or equivalent experience in field service. We will also be looking for superior inter-personal skills, as this team will interface with our customers at all levels.

Please fax or mail your résumé to:

Husky Injection Molding Systems Ltd.
Bolton, Ontario
Attention: Human Resources (Sales and Service)

Here is my letter:

December 4, 2000

Please accept this as my application for the position of Pet Processing Technician at Husky Injection Molding Systems Ltd.

I'm so pleased to see that my lifelong fascination with Pet Processing has an element of economic viability. Until I spotted your ad, I wouldn't have dared hope that I might actually receive a salary for doing something that has given me such great pleasure as a mere pastime! Nothing would please me more than to be selected as a Pet Processing Technician with Husky Injection Molding Systems.

While my experience has been thus far limited to the experimental curiosity of adolescence, I have taken some bold steps in my self-teaching adventures. My first true injection experience came about as I babysat for my mother's good friend. Melba Grommet, two houses away. Melba had a lovely canary named Florence. As ten-month old Toby slept, I found that I was drawn hypnotically to Florence's cage.

My friends and family have never fully understood the magnetic appeal of pet injections, but I'm sure you understand completely. As lovely and cheerful as Florence appeared that evening, and despite her beautiful singing, I knew that she would never be the utterly Perfect Canary that she was capable of being without having several ounces of tile grout imbedded in her tiny, lovely forehead. Once I was convinced of this fact, it took me a matter of minutes to find the Grommet household turkey baster and a convenient canister of Polymer-modified sanded ceramic-grade tile grout. As Florence sang cheerfully, I was able to gain her confidence. I surprised myself with my own skill, as I quickly and painlessly parted a few feathers and deposited a golfball-sized dollop of grout on the membrane of her sphenoid plate - somewhat south of where I had intended, but not bad for a rookie! As you might imagine, her singing stopped immediately, to be replaced by another, more visceral beauty. Her beak clamped shut, visibly distending it. She farted. Her eyes widened, and slowly crossed. As she drooled and hiccuped, her tiny talons clamped tightly around her dowel perch, and she stiffened noticeably. The added weight of tile grout on her delicate head caused her to begin tilting forward. The friction of her talons digging into the too-small perch produced a remarkable, erratic screeching noise, similar to the sound produced by dragging a damp thumb over a balloon's surface. She smiled, and hiccuped twice. Then, while still ratcheting downward, she sang a brief medley of show tune excerpts, with some particularly wonderful selections from Brigadoon and Paint Your Wagon.

Florence's slow and relentless 180-degree journey to the underside of the perch lasted for well over an hour. The flow of blood to her head steadily increased, softening the grout, and restoring her finally to her pre-injection state as though nothing unusual had happened.

Now, many years later, I find myself confronting the chance to rekindle my first and greatest passion.

A canary is one thing. Huskies are another. Please, let me inject your Huskies. I want to do this.

Call me. Please.

Yours truly,

(CENSORED)

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

All your base, brother.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

quote:

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I surprised myself with my own skill, as I quickly and painlessly parted a few feathers and deposited a golfball-sized dollop of grout on the membrane of her sphenoid plate - somewhat south of where I had intended, but not bad for a rookie! As you might imagine, her singing stopped immediately, to be replaced by another, more visceral beauty. Her beak clamped shut, visibly distending it. She farted. Her eyes widened, and slowly crossed. As she drooled and hiccuped, her tiny talons clamped tightly around her dowel perch, and she stiffened noticeably. The added weight of tile grout on her delicate head caused her to begin tilting forward. The friction of her talons digging into the too-small perch produced a remarkable, erratic screeching noise, similar to the sound produced by dragging a damp thumb over a balloon's surface. She smiled, and hiccuped twice. Then, while still ratcheting downward, she sang a brief medley of show tune excerpts, with some particularly wonderful selections from Brigadoon and Paint Your Wagon.

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TOBOR APPLIED TO THAT JOB, BUT RESUME NOT SO HOT!!!!
TOBOR GIVE JOOLS CORNHOLE REWARD FOR ADDRESS OF MAINTAINENCE GARAGE!!!!!!!

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RAAARRR!!!

Here's another rejected resume:

Western Memorial Regional Hospital
Anaesthetist
(Locum)

Western Memorial is a fully accredited regional hospital located in the city of Corner Brook. We require the services of an Anaesthetist in September for approximately three months in order to provide vacation relief for existing staff. Please note that there is a possibility that a permanent position may be available at the end of this three-month period. The salary for the position is in accordance with established Provincial Rates.

Apply in writing to:

Executive Director
Western Memorial Regional Hospital
Corner Brook, Newfoundland

Serious inquiries may call COLLECT to (709) 637-5635

Here is my letter:

Enclosed please find my Curriculum Vitae, in response to your search for an Anaesthetist (Locum).

It is possible that this is not a serious inquiry. Had I been sure that it is, I would certainly have accepted your kind offer to phone you collect. Truth be told, I feel that my application lies somewhere in the muddy area between frivolous and ignorant, since I have no idea what Locum means.

All the same, I certainly have first hand knowledge of Anaesthetics. With the help of Winston Doody, my childhood neighbour and friend, I have laid out more than one sick-looking critter in preparation for surgery. It was our practice to keep an eye out for neighbourhood pets that limped a bit, dogs with a depressed look, cats that shook when they peed ... that sort of thing. I would whack the thing with a shovel, and we'd staple it to Dad's workbench. Then Winston would go in with his steak knife, root around a while to see what things were up to inside, and then take out some of the bits that didn't look quite right. I'm not sure that our cure rate was exactly 100%, because we usually lost interest while we were at the 7-11, celebrating with a post -op Slurpee.

From the tone of your ad, you are clearly desperate to lure some job-starved Anaesthetist (Locum) into your undoubtedly charming hamlet of Corner Brook. The offer of a collect call, and the "permanent position may be available" lure are as old as the hills. And let's not forget that Western Memorial Hospital lies on the edge of a rock, in a time zone that is closer to Reykjavik than it is to my home in Vancouver. I'm guessing that my backyard surgical skills are looking a bit better all the time, wouldn't you agree?

It occurs to me that, with a position that will only last three months, it doesn't matter whether my inquiry is serious or not, because I'll be winging my way home again before you know it.

So, I'll take the job. Besides an advance on the salary that is suspiciously "in accordance with Provincial Rates", I will require a surgical shovel. I prefer a 135-cm Tru-Temper soil spade, with a resonant wooden shaft. And, please tell me if Locum status is tax deductible.

Yours truly,

(CENSORED)

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RAAARRR!!!

my god, that's the first time tobor hasn't posted in capitals.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

A Berliner is a jelly donut, not a sausage.

http://www.wikipedia.com/wiki/Ich_bin_ein_Berliner

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When they invent BookFace, I'm -there-.