Jael's Take on The Oscars by Jael 3-26-01

My name is Russell, I will someday star in a hit movie, I am practicing my scowl for the Oscar's. I look exactly like my mother, Goldie Hawn. I won Best Supporting Actress and married Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes...yet I feel..vaguely dissatisfied. I really should have won "Best Picture" Bjork just gave my whole genus a very bad name. And what was with that egg laying thing on the red carpet? Julia Roberts runs afoul of the stickman. I see you Stickman, just let me talk....And I want to thank...the whole world I love you!! You're time is SERIOUSLY UP!

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Women are fisher's of men because we all know.... The small ones you throw back. The medium ones you eat. The large ones you mount.

Ok, I'll play along. But don't tell the academy.

Tom Hanks knew there was only one way to get his 3rd Oscar by ObiJo 3-28-01

The General that became a slave... I got jipped for Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. The slave that became a Gladiator... Not to mention Bachelor Party. The actor hog tied aboard a skiff who was about to become an anchor. Plus Meg Ryan can only have one leading man. Mmmf! Mmmf!

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Oh, alright. Here's mine. Of course, I stole the format from another regular whose name escapes me.

Movie in Three Panels: Wonder Boys by boorite 3-26-01

[CUE OSCAR-WINNING SONG] Hnnnrrnnh unna mumma, things have changed. I'm trying to write a novel about a novelist trying to write a novel. That's 'cuz I'm baked as a fucking lasagna. I am a dark and brooding young talent. Maybe your ganja will cause me to lighten the fuck up. I HATE self-absorbed old stoners! Plus he's boning my master's wife! GRRR! KILL! Bang. Dead dog. What the hell was I just doing in bed with Robert Downey, Jr? Oh look, here's the cops. Finally. You got me fired, punk, but I'm still dorking the Chancellor. Hotcha!

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What others say about boorite!

A little late and a little too obvious, but oh well. I ain't get paid for this...

The Gramm(p)ys... by wirthling 3-26-01

And the Grammy for Best Pop Album goes to... Steely Dan? Really? (Maybe I should check the postmark on this envelope) I'd like to thank my gerontologist, Dr. Sydney Schwartzbaum... Thanks also to the folks at Depends and Polygrip... Woohoo! We w -- Ow! Damn! Broke my hip. Maybe the high five wasn't such a hot idea...

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."