The second panel in the second strip was the victim of HTML-tag paranoia - I padded it out to fill the width of the table, and accidentally used pointy brackets. The full text should be "PENIS OWNERSHIP - A Non-Penis-Owners' Guide".

Penis Ownership [prologue] by DexX 6-26-02

Women are always moaning about how hard it is to cope with the natural functions of the female body. Well, guess what, girls! Penis-ownership is not all wine and roses (or wanking and 'rections for that matter). The following educational film will demonstrate the hardships faced by men when dealing with the day-to-day functions of their penises.

Penis Ownership [one] by DexX 6-26-02

The Fellowship to Advance Thought on Inter-Gender Understanding and Education presents... ------==>==------ _____A Non-Penis-Owner's Guide_____ Goot evenink. I am Doktor Otto von Fallik-Simbohl, und I vish to tok vith you all about ze penis. Zere appears to be a generally-held belief amongst vemen zat the genitalia of ze opposite sex is a fun little sing. Zese vemen sink that dis cute little dangly sing is a fun toy vith no drawbacks. Zis is not ze case! Ze penis is a constant challench to live vith! Over ze next few minutes, I vill explain some of ze many pitfalls vhich penis-owners face every day. First, let us discuss obvious physical trauma...

Penis Ownership [two] by DexX 6-26-02

Ze location of ze genitalia of ze human male on ze outside of ze botty is an obvious drawback. Ze vulnerability of ze testicles is vell-known. Our brave volunteer demonstrates... haieee-YAH! GAAAAHHH!!! However, ze penis itself is also susceptible to injury. All men, but especially zose who have not been circumcised, must take great care vhen closing ze fly... *tinkle* Tum-te-tee... *zip* Catching ze foreskin, scrotum, or glans in ze mechanisms of ze metal zipper, has been described as "havink your buttocks pulled up your rectum and out your penis", yet even zis is inadequate. AAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!! PLEASE GOD JUST LET ME DIE NOW!!!! AAAARRRGGGH!!!!

Penis Ownership [three] by DexX 6-26-02

Such horrors are relatively uncommon. However, everday occurences such as ze effect known by some as ze "garden sprinkler" are not painful, but are certainly irritating. Ze so-named "garden sprinkler", also know as ze "shower attachment" und many ozzer names, occurs vhen ze outlet for ze urine is blocked. Ze blockage may be lint, tissue, dried fluids, or other sings. Ooh, gotta go for a slash... *zip* Instead_of_ze_expected_single_stream_of urine, ze penis expels multiple streams. Two streams is ze most common, though four or more haff been reported. AahhhhhooooOH_SHIT! The fucking floor- damn! My shoes!!! Shit! Ah, fuck, all down the my pants... damn it!!! *tinkle* *splash* *splatter* *squelch*

Penis Ownership [four] by DexX 6-26-02

Ze final topic of discussion for zis film is ze problems associated viz ze erectile nature of ze penis. Urination vhich interrupts intercourse is difficult, as ze erect penis points up... Damn!! Stand on my head, maybe? Come back to bed, honey... Furzer, ze penis's insistence on becoming erect at inopportune moments is notorious. Ze penis truly has a mind of its own in zis regard. Honey, when are you coming out of the water? I'm lonely! Think of the Queen Mother... think of Zsa Zsa Gabor... Think of Barney the fucking purple dinosaur!!! GAAAH!! Ze catch 22 situation here is zat sinking about ze problem erection only draws attention to it. It is not possible for a man to deliberately lose an erection... Come on honey! Get up and dance with me. Uh.... not yet. Let's talk about politics!

[Click to view comic: 'Penis Ownership [five]'][Click to view comic: 'Penis Ownership [epilogue]']

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theres no humour in that.
only truth.

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UK PEOPLE. GET ON IRC, DAMNIT. (7pm -> 12pm GMT)

DexX, you magnificent bastard!
Makes me glad I'm a woman!
: )

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“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1945)

at least we can piss standing up.

exelent series byt he way.

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Batman created by Bob Kane

I'd like to add a couple things to that, as a bit of a shoot-off (no pun intended).
First off, if we are to put the toilet seat down after use, I think it only fair that the toilet seat be put back up after use by females.
Secondly, if Mr. Winkie comes out to play, this is by no means an indication that we are sexually harassing you. It just means that Mr. Winky likes you. You don't have to like him back, but don't blame the guy for wanting to play.
:P

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

I like that court ruling from a few years back. A guy got an erection on a nude beach, and a woman saw it and had him charged with sexual harrassment. The court eventually found in his favour, because he had a surgical erectile implant (due to being impotent) and it went off accidentally. Apparently, it was triggered by elevated heart-rate and temperature, and he had been jogging along the beach, inadvertently triggered his Fat-O-Matic (I've been so good - please forgive my moment of crassness).

Even funnier was when the now-cancelled Australian news comedy program Good News Week covered the story, its host, Paul McDermott, said something to this effect: "The judge found that he had no control over his erection. What, unlike the rest of us?!"

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It seems straightforward to me:

To minimize both the number of adjustments of the seat's position and the number of unnecessary adjustments (defined as adjustments performed and undone before the next use of the toilet), the logical thing to do is for everyone to leave the seat in whatever position they used it in.

But maybe that's just the mathematician in me talking.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Damn... I wish there was a recorded version of the song Tripod did about this issue... damned funny...

Debating the merits of leaving the seat up or down, talking about the fact that girls have to adjust more clothing most times, and then suggesting that your actions should depend on whether there are more men or women in the household...

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

I'll go with that!
So, ladies, leave the toilet seat down, and we'll leave it up. Simple.

Think of the pure physics involved! It takes more effort for US to put it up, than for you to put it down. You have gravity working for you. Just tap it back towards you. We have to lift against gravity.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

"Before you pee, you lift the seat. After you pee, you put the seat down. Females in tribes start war over this. Many deaths."
- Tim Allen in "Jungle 2 Jungle"

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“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1945)

The toilet seat, just one of the many reasons why you just screw women; you don't live with them. It's just not natural. Another big one would be PMS.

I want PMS. Think about it, a built-in biological excuse to take ten yards out of anyones ass you want.

-void-

quote:

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I want PMS. Think about it, a built-in biological excuse to take ten yards out of anyones ass you want.

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