Thanks, Lara!

Let's see... last I looked, the Dow Jones and Nasdaq were plummeting like a teaspoon-full of nuetronium through the earth's mantle. Aside from serious chain-gang time for the fraudulent accounting crooks, we need a fresh wave of innovation to resuscitate world markets. That's why:
I want one of your characters to invent something.

Have no fear that your invention will be judged on arbitrary criteria such as utility or merit. This is real life, baby! Reward for your toil and effort will depend on the passing amusement of a moronic consumer base (me). And since I'm such a fickle consumer, you should adhere to the following rules:

* Your comic should be identifiably set in the future.
How you accomplish this is up to you, but creativity will be rewarded.

* It must be a new comic.
Innovation and all that.

* The inventor character must be a talking animal.
Duh -- This is the future after all.

Judging will be Friday night (around 9:00 P.M. EST, if that helps). Tinker away.

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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

Sex Strips by Drexle 7-23-02

For czzenturies our peolplezz have been opprezzed by zze big onezz. But with zze new "attractomatic" technologiezz, we will have the upper handzz! Obzzerve... WOW! Check out that hot chick by the wall over there!!! I can smell her sexual juices from here! MUST HAVE HER!!! SLAM!!! __(**SMACK!!!**)__ HEEELP!!! I'M STUCK!!!' ...She's so close, and yet so far away...

Brilliance in One of Its Many Forms by Scyess 7-23-02

Jon, you've got to see my new creation. I call it "the human head." It has sole receptors for 4 of the 5 senses, and can house the control center for the entire body! I never thought about it before, but I think I see why talking animals don't hold many patents. Yep, I figure everyone's gonna want one of these. I can almost hear the money rolling in as we speak!

CC 132: Failed Unveiling by Scyess 7-23-02

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the greatest invention since sliced shit... **POOF!** Powdered shit! Just add hot water and you're guaranteed a steaming pile of fetid waste every time! Question: Where is a fly going to get water? And what about all the free, fresh shit that's always lying about in medows? Guard! Code green! Code green!

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"Old" is the old new.

Since I misnumbered my last entry, I gave up on numbering altogether.

Head 2.0 by Scyess 7-23-02

How are sales going on your new invention? You mean "The Human Head?" Lousy. They're so useful, I don't know who wouldn't want one. . . . ! Epiphany? I think version 2.0 will have "styleable hair."

http://www.uspto.gov/ by Scyess 7-23-02

Well, I'm sorry your "Human Head" invention isn't taking off. Well, there's good news and bad news on that. The bad news is that sales are still zero. It turns out everyone already has one. Bummer. But the good news is the patent went through, anyway. Uh, why are you looking at me like that? I'm giving the whole world notice to fork over licencing royalties or return the product. Consider yourself served.

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"Old" is the old new.

This is a contest I'm sure to flood.

Inventions. Yum.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

cc133 - In AD 2101, war was beginning by ObiJo 7-23-02

My invention works! What did you invent? I'm a talking donkey. Figure it out, zippy.

If I don't get away from donkey humor soon, I may start getting typecast.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

CC 133: Get out of my mind by boorite 7-23-02

I've invented a mind reading device. Oh. Hey. Terrific. "Moose cock?" What the hell is that supposed to mean?

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What others say about boorite!

In the future, people won't be born, but grown. by ObiJo 7-23-02

28 tests, all successful. Yep, I'd say it's time to announce my Climate Controller to the Sqworld. SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

No One Can Hear You Become Shark Crap by Namgubed 7-23-02

Meanwhile, off the coast of the geothermally heated, glass-domed resort town of Thule ... Looks like you're in over your head in gambling debts, and in dire need of assistance! *glug* Help! You, sir, could be the first to try my latest invention, the Prosthetic Gills (patent pending), absolutely free! To activate this fine product, simply jam tabs A and B into the sides of your neck ... *glorp* OK ... "... and for only an additional $29.95, I can include a can of shark repellant to prevent the resultant blood loss from starting a feeding frenzy!" *whew* I can breathe underwater! This is great! Too bad the repellant's out of stock, eh?

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"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

Tiny Squirrel Dicks by ObiJo 7-23-02

I've created the world's first squirrel condom! That's great, but who do you expect to sell it to? There's not many of us left since the Great Squirrel Hunt of 2318. DING DONG Answer the door and find your answer.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

My previous entries all happen in the future, by the way, even if it's not exceedingly identifiable. (Well, it's sort of identifiable, since no one's being sued for patent-infringment yet.)

And here are some more, where it is strongly indentifiable:

CC 133: Yeah, But They Still Had to Register the Trademark by Scyess 7-23-02

You might have enslaved all of humanity alien invader kanga-dude, but you'll never break our spirit! I give a shit about your spirit. I just like playing with new toys we invent to you make you look silly, like this "pixelizer®." Ha! I don't feel any different, Your device is a total failure. Haha! You humans are so cute. It almost makes me want to stop wearing shoes made out of your leather.

CC 133: Necessity is Not the Mother of ALL Invention by Scyess 7-23-02

------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**----- Enslaving humans has unleased quite the innovative streak in the kanga-dude race. For example, this asiangirlifier!® AAAAHHHHH!!! ------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**----- Nostaligic for gay Paris? Try our our new Frenchinator®! AAAAHHHHH!!! ------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**----- My wife warned me not to use the shitifier® in the house anymore. AAAAHHHHH!!! Actually, this time I don't feel much different.

CC 133: Gordon Saves the Future by Scyess 7-23-02

------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**----- And I can humiliate you further with my squirrelzon®. Wha... aha! ------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**----- Oh, crap... my device is stuck on Axe-Murder mode®. Heh heh... too bad for you. ...and that's how I saved all of humanity from being inslaved by misanthropic kangaroo-people. Look, I don't care if you got Friends cancelled, I'm still not going out with you.

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"Old" is the old new.

Two more... why not?!

CC 133: The Fable of the Little Girl and the Chicken by Scyess 7-24-02

*sigh* I've totally lost my faith in humanity since Macaulay Culkin was elected president. Don't worry, little girl. I've finally finished my World Peace Machine. Just press the button to your left. Aaahhh! What's going on! My machine simultaneously launches the entire world's supply of nuclear missiles. Imagine how peaceful it will be when all life on this planet ends. That's your idea of world peace? Turning the Earth into a radioactive slag heap? Whadda ya want, a global peace treaty? I'm a fucking CHICKEN, ferchrissakes.

CC 133: With all Due Credit to the PPGs by Scyess 7-24-02

*sigh* I was happy at first when the ocean reclaimed Los Angeles... until we saw what a piece-of-shit town it really is. Don't worry, little buddy. I've come up with something that will make us equal to humans... Behold! An opposable thumb! That's dumb. I object! See! It's already working.

This one breaks two of the three rules, but it nevertheless fits the invention theme so I'm going to post it as an NaE.

Jim the Inventor by Scyess 7-16-02

They've got everything "kids" these days. Kids' meals. Kids' ticket prices. Even kids' butter. But I've got the next big thing... **ziiiiiip** Kidz Kondums!® "Hi, Kids! I'm Korkey Kondum! I'm shy; can I hide in your 'special place?' I'm super-lubed for tight fits and help prevent incriminating genetic trails!" Mere words cannot express my immutable desire never to have seen that. **ziiiiiip** Just a shame Catholics don't use condoms -- there's an untapped market that I could retire on.

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"Old" is the old new.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Agreed.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

That is outstanding

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

I concur!

Not to change the subject from the unabashed worship of my comic -- I'd be the last person to do such a thing -- but I have two more entries I'd love to share with y'all.

CC 133: Originality and the Food Chain by Scyess 7-24-02

One week later... I want to say something that's never been said before. How about, "No doubt about it. Loveshit can harm your bears." Sorry, Tibor Fischer already wrote that in The Collector Collector. Fifteen years later... How about, "Right after I stick this red-hot poker up my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off." Sorry, George Carlin already said it. Seventy years later... I've got it! How about, "Variety is the spice of life, bitch." Ain't it about time I ate your goat-ass?

$19.95! While Supplies Last! by Scyess 7-24-02

So what does your latest invention do? It fixes any computer problem you have in 2 seconds, gauranteed, no matter what. That's amazing! I didn't even know you knew about computers. I don't. The device basically cuts off all power within a 1000-yard radius. No computer, no problem. Uh, what if your problem was you wanted to save your document? It also comes with a pencil and paper.

And now, please continue to lavish unending praise on Jim the Inventor, or any of my other fine comics. Have you seen, for example, Death at the Door?

C'mon, let's get that praise flowing! I haven't got all day.

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"Old" is the old new.

Once upon a time in a possible Darwinian future... by DexX 7-25-02

Look! Look! I invented the wheel! Uh, sorry to break this to you, but the wheel has been around for quite a while now... Well, yeah, but I am a highly-evolved talking gorilla. Surely that counts for something? I suppose so, but... gorilla? I spend a fortune on waxing. I'll bet.

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

I love this CC theme, by the way, in case you haven't noticed.

THIS COMIC HAS ABSOLUTELY NO LIKENESS TO REALITY IN ANY WAY by Scyess 7-25-02

Wow you're prolific this week. What've you invented now? It's an on/off button you install on your spouse. It lets you shut them down when they throw an unreasonable fit just because you happened to mention in passing that their mother shares certain characteristics with water buffalo. Looks like the author of a certain comic strip is having a little marital tiff again. OH, yeah. Big time.

CC 133: With a Twist! by Scyess 7-25-02

In the post-apocolyptic future... This is great! I've just genetically engineered a species of hyper-intelligent long-necked blue birds. They're superior to humans in every way and... oh, no! They're revolting! The human race is doomed! You're right, Art. Those human wing puppets will be great for historical re-enactments. But you messed up a bit; the males didn't wear skirts. Oh, right. Thanks.

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"Old" is the old new.

Where's my dinner by afterthefall 7-25-02

Gentlemen, are you tired of your female companioins leaving the kitchen Hell yes! Well for the low low price of $999.95 you can be one of the first to own the Stove-tron 2000. Ok, I'm pickin up what your puttin down The Stove-tron 2000 is the first stove to include a built in chain to ensure that your special lady aint going anywhere. So how many can I put you down for? Oh snap!!! Man I got to have 3 of those.

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So you're telling me that you want another "Road to Eldorado" Figurine?

cc133 - Strip Wars, Episode 2 - Attack of the Narration Box by ObiJo 7-25-02

A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away... That's non-compliant, you dumb fuck.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

... by ObiJo 7-25-02

I have invented something so magnificient, it defies explanation.

OR

... by ObiJo 7-25-02

I have invented something so magnificient, it defies explanation. I call it spork.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Oh, yeah?

CC 133: Because They Can't Just Step on Them by Scyess 7-25-02

Eewww! There's a human in the house! Eep! Hide! **pppssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*** You can't get away by scurrying under the refrigerator...! AAAHHHH *cough* *cough* *hack* *cough* *wheese* *gag* Among roaches, it is generally held that the best invention ever was the nuclear bomb which allowed them to take over the planet. A close second is human spray. **choke**

Grand Inventors' Award by Scyess 7-25-02

Great news! I've just won the 1st ever Grand Inventors' Award for Best Invention! Great! What did you invent? The Grand Inventors' Award for Best Invention!