Alrighty, then.

I wanted to think of something that hasn't been done in the previous 186 contests. Then I realized that I'm far to lazy to read through them to figure out what has and hasn't been done. So I've decided to try something that probably hasn't been done, and if it has, well... pretend that it hasn't.

The theme for this contest is... Shakespeare.[list]
[*]Main rule: You must portray a scene or scenes from a newly discovered Shakespeare play, hidden from existence until now because it is so godawful.
[*]Series are okay, but if you go more than 5 or 6 episodes, I will fall asleep, causing me to bump my head on the table and think bad thoughts about you.
[*]Extra points for using iambic pentameter, though it is not required.
[*]Extra points for mentioning or using kidney stones as the subject of your play. Why? My wife has one right now so it comes to mind, and it's my contest so get OFF MY BACK YOU FREAK!!!!
[*]As ever, being funny counts for more than anything.
[*]Contest ends... late Wednesday, SC time.
[/list]

Let the games begin.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Not terribly rules compliant or anything, but the only thing that popped into my lil' 'ead at 10:15 on a Saturday night (and oddly, the tap does drip, drip, drip, drip...)

Romeo and Juliet: Modernized For Today's Teens by UnknownEric 5-17-03

Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? Show us your tits!

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I has a flavor!

CC 187: The Comic's The Thing by MaxPayne 5-17-03

What the fuck is iambic pentameter?

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leggo my dcomposed! ®

Ok, ok, my first actual entry.

CC 187: Hamlet Gone Wild by MaxPayne 5-17-03

I'll warrant you, Fear me not: withdraw, I hear him coming. Nhhhhhhnnnnnn Sorry, baby, it's too late.

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leggo my dcomposed! ®

Butt Soft.. t'iss the Masochist of Venice by Spankling 5-17-03

The quality of mercy is not strain'd. Please droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon my face beneath. T'will be twice pressed. T'will presseth him that bleeds and him that needs. 'T is mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes the rounded Goddess better than her gown. Her sphincter shows the force of temporal power, the attribute to_awe_and_majesty... CUT!!! wherein doth sit the dread and fear of queens; But mercy is above this sphinctered sway, It is enthroned in the farts of queens... I DON'T DO GAS, BITCH! FIND ANOTHER MUSTACHE JOCKEY!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I have this oldie but goodie lying around from the unabridged Hamlet:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Akbar and Jeff by kaufman 3-14-02

I love you, Rosencrantz. I love you, Guildenstern! Wait a minute. YOU'RE Guildenstern ... I think. Aren't you? If I am, then who are you? zzzzzzzzip! I'm Osric. Ooooooohhhh!

But if you want some new Shakespeare ...

William I by kaufman 5-17-03

A folio of Shakespeare's American Histories was recently unearthed. We proudly present, in its entirety, William I, which relates the life story of the first President Harrison. I do solemnly swear, as I look in your eyes, Thy Constitution I'll uphold, and *unnnuurrrggh* (Dies.)

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC: Romeo meets MDMM 1 by MDMM 5-17-03

Where thou this portal takes I? I am Romeo and who thou arf you be? MDMM who made a machine to bring you to year 2003! .... You're not a 1800 stripper huh?

CC: Romeo meets MDMM 2 by MDMM 5-17-03

This place is so vast and differs within the stars. Dahm it quit talking like that!Anyway this place is filled with good people that.... I am Intestines Man! I kick the crotch of evil! What is this "Crotch"? Ohhhhhh Zap ya,huh?

CC: Romeo meets MDMM 3 by MDMM 5-17-03

Please fine fellow bring I back to Shakesphere to findith my love,Juliet! Better idea! Hey Romeo its me William Shakeshere! Let me show youth around.

CC: Romeo meets MDMM 4 by MDMM 5-17-03

I can make a romantic play with him! Wanna see what Crotch means? INTERUPTION OF FUZZYMAN! I told you I'll fall asleep if past 3!Dahm you kill them now! Yes,master. Okay ending before it gets worse.... OW!Ohhhhhhhhh....!PAIN!OW! I shot the nads of FuzzyMan!

Yes Shakesphere is a cow,Romeo is a choir guy,and Intestines man will shoot nads!

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I mean this in a Non racist,sexual,or threat to kill your family way!

King George II by Spankling 5-17-03

This royal throne of Bushes, this festering pile, This earth of majistory, this feet of stars, This other Eden, demi-paradise, This fortress built by_Nature_for_myself Against infections from the hand of whores, This sappy breed of men, this little world, This kidney stone set in crimson pee, Which serves it in the_oval_office_at_a_mall Or as a moat offensive to a house, Against the envy of less wealthy lands, This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Texas. I'm the new tyrant you're sleeping with. Do you snore?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Das Shakespeare by Zegota 5-18-03

Sucketh Sucketh, Fi Dollah Fi Dollah, Fi Dollah, where art thou?

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And you know what Hell is, folks. It's Andy Gibb, singing 'Shadowdancing' for aeons and aeons...

You Mock Me, Sir by itsclark 5-18-03

Mark well my anguish, Royal Fool! By kidney stones am I sore afflicted, and greatly in need of levity. For such an ill, laughter is the best of medicines, my lord! Especially when washed down with a quart of cranberry juice. *Honk Honk*! Your jaws gape and gibber, yet I laugheth not. Make haste to amuse, knave, for my torment is great. Um, rotor turbines? Hark, what light on yonder window breaks?

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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

All this and more in Mario Party 5 for Gamecube!

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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

CC 187: Armpit by Zegota 5-18-03

To be or not to be... You called? What? Who the fucketh art thou? Buzz off! Okay Did you get it?

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And you know what Hell is, folks. It's Andy Gibb, singing 'Shadowdancing' for aeons and aeons...

I suppose this old one is sort of compliant.

waht ever by fuck 6-03-02

Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull ass will not mend his pace with beating. And, when you are asked this question next, say 'a grave-maker: 'the houses that he makes last till Doomsday.' In youth, when I did love, did love, methought it was very sweet, To contract, O, the time, for, ah, my behove, O, methought, there was nothing meet. Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at grave-making? Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness. 'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment hath the daintier sense.

CC 187: As You Don't Like It by MaxPayne 5-18-03

Alas, poor Model 13742! I knew him, Fellatio: A robot of infinite programming, of most excellent wiring.   ?   Here lay that USB port that I have connect to I know not how oft. E'en so. Where be your circuits now? Your diodes? Your capacitors?

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leggo my dcomposed! ®

Hamlet on Rye by Spankling 5-18-03

To eat: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub: for in eating flesh what dreams may come! When I have stuffed down this morsal whole, must give me pause: there's the Pepsid AC that makes calm gasses of_so_long_a_meal. I don't get paid enough to listen to this shit. And thus the native stone of kidney is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of pork and linolium.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Oops... I misinterpreted two of the rules. Kidney stones needs to be the subject (not a side note) and it needs to be funny. Oh well.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I made this a while ago. I don't know if it works.

ghetto booty queen by boinky33 10-19-02

It's a tangled web we weave. This ain't no weave, bitch! beg pardon? That's right! You better beg before I cut you!

From the undiscovered blog manuscripts of Shakespeare:

CC 187: Shakespeare In "Love" by jes_lawson 5-18-03

Do tell me of the young man you met from a far and distant land! A poet! He wrote "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand..." Dear sister, you confuse your lover's "work" with that of Shelley. That lying swine! He did declare that piece his own! (While he was fondling my belly!) This fraud Will Shakespeare's played you like a bitch! And verily, my twat doth itch - lice! Methinks five groats for my young bits too cheap a price!

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

CC 187: shakespeare by boinky33 5-18-03

They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare. If they reach the collected works of kon, you better get your ass alot more monkeys! LOL :)!!!!!!!!11

CC 187: From the unpublished manuscripts of Shakespeare... by jes_lawson 5-18-03

Dearest 'Blog: Although my kidneye stone afflcits me hugely. My latest play amuses Queen Bess greatly. And with her gen'rous patronage, I shall... ...indulge of what I fancy lately! A bit of slap and tickle with that buboed boy from Stratford Town! Alas! Poor Yorick! I will know you well! E'en if I must tie thee down! I smell Double double! Toilet trouble! Weeping sores and pissing gravel!

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

CC 187: Shakespeare 2: IN SPACE! by boinky33 5-18-03

I can't lift this!

Over-compensating, I think. If you have an infinite number of monkeys and keyboards, you don't need infinite time - one of the monkeys will type the Complete Works immediately. Conversely, if you have infinite time, just one monkey will do. So your system is needlessly bloated.

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Get it right!

Shut up.

McBeth: Act I by kaufman 5-18-03

Double, double, toil and trouble; Fryer burn and Cola bubble. Filet-O-Fish and Roadkill Cat; Woudst thou like some fries with that? Hither shall enter Elizabeth, future employee in the demesnes of repast of haste. Move along, lady, great tidings are afoot. Hail McBeth, washer of floor! Hail McBeth, Hamburger cook! Hail McBeth, Lord of all the chain! Huh? Prithee, cashier wench, mayest thou direct me to yon manager? I seek employ for these summer months.

McBeth: Act II by kaufman 5-18-03

I welcome thee into our fair eatery family. Lo, yonder toddler her Happy Meal overturns. Our ivory floor shant be covered in slop; you know the drill, get a bucket and mop! Away I clean, fearest thyself not! I command yon fell stain, Out! Out, damned spot! Yo, Bethie, The end of my shift on the grill draws nigh. Once you've polished the floor, there lies in my doublet a dispenser of Special Sauce that must needs cleaned. Fie, now, Duncan, O' porcine grillboy, lest your wiener be caught in some big ebon buns. Help! Help! Afire am I. Pushed into the vat of hellish lard. Prithee extinguish, ere I make an ash of myself. Come hither, Elizabeth, Duncan hath in fryer fell. Thy promotion awaits, now cook the burghers the burgers.

McBeth: Act III by kaufman 5-18-03

Can't sleep, clowns will kill me ... Unless I kill them first. What hamburglar hath in me mortal wound inflicted? On my last breath to all fair lads adieu. Fell Ronald dies, on the lam I must be. But how to hide? Aha, now, within clownish garb go I. All hail Ronald, Lord of all McDonald's! I can get used to this.

McBeth: Act IV by kaufman 5-18-03

Hail, powerful McBeth, who can be killed by no man born of woman, safe until Brazil's rainforest marches upon you! Ha ha! Verily I am invulnerable! Raise the prices! No more special orders! Chokeable toys in Happy Meals! Shamrock Shakes every day! Dude, witness yon restaurant's decline into suckdom. Yon clowne turns this into a house of crappe. Verily, must needs we kill him. But how to sneak up on him? They say a clown a thousand eyes hath. Hark, yon convenient trashcan, in which lie dozens of burger wrappers, differently worded on each side for multiple foldings. Aye, a side says Big Mac, another Filet-O-Fish, another La Royale with Cheese, and another Recycled Paper made in Brazil.

McBeth: Act V by kaufman 5-18-03

Steady, mate, hold burger wrapper in front of face. Hither, our fell clown shant see us coming. I'm hungry. Fair hap on you wee child, this day now introduces McHaggis. You stomach ewe stomach shall at last meet. Hark, what paper blows this way? Lo, my life blood escapes me. Was the prophecy in ill sooth? For I believed myself immune to harm from man born of woman. Alas, born of no woman am I. For I am just a cartoon character drawn in pixels on yon internet. Witness all blue screen of death closing in on hamburger queen McBeth.