Okay, you fuck hats. I haven't been around in a while and I'm hearing from mister B, the man who created this thing that you all gain so much enjoyment from, that there's trouble afoot. So here is a guide, when your head starts vibrating and getting warm like you might possibly be cogitating, stop immediately, and follow these simple steps.
1. Are you about to complain about something? Analyze it in a straightforward manner. If it's some fuckwit problem that happened only once when you were in the middle of overclocking your 486DX and that smoke was coming out of the side? Well, STOP and FUCKING TRY AGAIN. BEFORE YOU FUCKING BITCH, REPEAT STEPS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. Then, cruise on over here and WAIT. HOLD THE SWEET FUCK UP OR I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR KIWIS AND FEED THEM TO YOUR FUCKING MOTHER. DON'T FUCKING MOVE ANOTHER INCH TOWARDS THE FORUMS. READ THE GOD DAMNED FAQ.
THIS BEARS REPEATING YET AGAIN : READ THE FAQ. READ IT RIGHT GOD DAMNED NOW. IF IT WERE UP TO ME, YOUR FUCKING MUCH BITCHED ABOUT FRONT PAGE WOULD BE THE FUCKING FAQ AND IT WOULD USE THE CRAPTACULAR CODE TO MAKE YOU SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM BEFORE YOU COULD ENTER AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE A FUCKING SCROLL BAR AND IT WOULD AUTOSCROLL AT ONE LINE PER FUCKING SECOND SO YOU GOD DAMNED MONKEY JISM MOTHERPORKERS COULD HAVE A POSSIBLE CHANCE OF FUCKING COMPREHENDING IT.
Okay, so you have covered the FAQ, printed it out real big and used it as wallpaper so you can make sure you are reading it all the damned time. Reading the FAQ was once considered a standard operating procedure on the internet. Still have the problem? It's still happening? Okay, send a letter to Brad. Preferrably seventeen snails and thirty emails updating him of the color and texture of your feces at the particular moment the problem occured. Or you could just post in the fucking forum. I guess that's okay too.
2. You have a suggestion. That's amazing. Your mother and father fucked for twenty whole minutes just to work their fingers to the god damned bone for twelve to twenty years supporting your mongoloid ass and finally you managed to shudder and shake like an MS patient and spurt up some half baked idea. Read the FAQ. All of what I've said still applies. READ THE FAQ. If it's in there, you're done. Don't fucking post it as a suggestion, it's apparently ALREADY BEEN BROUGHT UP. Brad, or one of the other no-life supergenius Fucktards who frequent the forums here has thought of it already. All that work and your thunder has already been stolen, for shame. SO DON'T WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME FUCKING POSTING IT AGAIN. This brings me to my second suggestion point - THE FORUMS ARE THERE FOR YOU TO READ AS WELL AS POST. If there's a post about a bug or a suggestion or a feces-color update and it's similar to the fucking idiotic prattle you're about to hit the internet with, go ahead, I dare you. I FUCKING DARE YOU to read it. Go ahead, fucking read it. Check it out. If it's the same fucking problem, HOLY HELL, you may have actually found a real bug. Not some fake bug that was caused by the firmware revision in your Fisher Price My First Porno Box screwing up java code because it was case sensitive. Go ahead, post in there, talking about how you felt the same way, or how you also ate the special burrito at the Vergas Shack and had stomach problems, or that the two of you must be mystically linked as opposite poles of a singular brain cell because you both came up with the SAME FUCKING IDEA. DO NOT CREATE ANOTHER THREAD THAT COMES DOWN TO "Me too." THERE IS NO FUCKING CAUSE FOR THIS. THERE IS NO WAY TO AVOID THE STINKY COCK OF MY REVENGE AS IT HEADS FOR YOUR QUIVERING PASSION STARFISH WHEN I FIND OUT YOU INTENTIONALLY POSTED A DUPLICATE THREAD. I CAN AND WILL FIND YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.
3. You have found a bug, but instead of deciding to report it, you decide to exploit it. Oh, wow. What a canundrum. Help Brad out because he provides this page at effectively zero cost and has put many a personal hour into creating it, or get seventeen seconds of bliss as you find out that you can make the main page look like that goatse.cx guy in ASCII if you just overrun the PHP module and type I SUCK COCK FOR CASH five hundred times in the title box of a comic. Lend a hand to the guy who actually gives a sweet shit about your various mental meanderings, or break the server he pays his hard earned cash on? I DON'T KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY FUCKING TOUGH DECISION TO ME. MAKING MORE BUSYWORK FOR THE GUY WHO IS TRYING TO IMPLEMENT YOUR LAST COCKBRAINED IDEAS ABOUT MAKING IT SO THE CHARACTERS COULD LOOK LIKE THEY WERE REALLY HAVING ANAL SEX, OR TELL HIM SO THAT MY WHITE WOLF/TOBOR/EVILD SLASH FIC COMIC SERIES CAN BE GENUINELY HOMOEROTIC? I'M NOT FUCKING SURE? HOW CAN ANYONE BE FUCKING SURE? WOULD YOU GO GET THE NAIL PULLED OUT OF YOUR TIRE OR WOULD YOU LAMEBRAIN AROUND TO THE FREEWAY HOPING IT'LL SHAKE FUCKING FREE AT HIGH SPEED? FUCKING USELESS GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKERS DESERVE NOTHING BETTER THAN HAVING CIGARETTES PUT OUT ON YOUR NIPPLES WHILE BEING ASS RAPED WITH A HANDI-MIXER AND FORCED TO WATCH SEINFELD AT FULL VOLUME ALL THE FUCKING WHILE.
There you have it. The short version of my unofficial SC Forum FAQ, clarifications and updates. I WORK AT WAL MART FOR CHRISTS FUCKING SAKES DO YOU THINK THERE'S A PINCH OF SOUL LEFT IN ME THAT WOULD CARE IF I HIT YOU WITH MY CAR OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
Z
---
Like Chicken Soup for the Homeless Soul
