If you were someone who knew and liked Metallica before their eponymous "Black Album," then I offer words of warning concerning their latest release, "St. Anger."

First, a relevant comic:

Those Crazy Midnight Music Sales by umfumdisi 6-20-03

Inside Music Barn.. Here's your $20 back, sir. Yeah, thanks for nothin'. Outside Music Barn... Naw, shorty, this is the line to RETURN "St. Anger."

The case against:
1) The production is horrible. Even if "Lightning" and "Justice" sound a little thin to some, the new disc just sounds awful. James' voice is mixed way up. Lars sounds like he's playing empty Quaker Oat boxes. Even the "Garage Days Re-Revisited" ep which claimed to be "not produced" by Metallica sounds better than "St. Anger."

2) James can't sing for some reason--maybe sobriety. When he growls he's fine, but otherwise--ugh. And the lyrics are just ridiculous, but I think that's a problem with aging metal bands in general. What do you write about when you've made it and you're richer than Jesus. Are you really that pissed off?

3) No/Limited guitar solos. Instead, the same riffs are repeated endlessly (and due to song length, I mean endlessly). Don't be fooled by the first two-three decent tracks, either. You will hear slightly varied iterations of them for the rest of the 50 or so minutes left on the CD.

4) Bob Rock is the Anti-Christ

5) The hype. "Metallica is returning to their roots," and so on. I don't want Metallica to remake "Master of Puppets" (and they didn't come close to that). "Load" was a shift in style and approach that worked. They just went excess with "Re-Load," but it still contained some decent tunes. This latest disc is boring and useless, and I can't remember when I've been more distraught about a band since Soundgarden broke up. After hearing "St. Anger," I think Soundgarden did the right thing.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Can you return an album because you don't like it?

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Batman created by Bob Kane

At most places, no.

The Disc Exchange stores in Knoxville have a 10-Day Guarantee on any disc. You can return them for any reason--even "suckage"--within 10 days. They sell used discs as well and are very picky about the condition of the used discs they accept. I won't post the link here since it's a retail site, but it's a very ".com"mon site and easy to find if you know the NAME of the store. Wink, nudge.

They do limit you to 5 returns per calendar year to prevent "buy, burn, and return" abuse.

For CDs in jewel cases, you can usually slide the disc out without removing that security sticker on the top. You can then claim that you didn't "open" it. If you complain long enough, Wal-Mart or Target will usually just give you the money back or store credit at least. I don't know if that works at Sam Goody's or Borders or Camelot (or whatever that mall chain is called now).

They don't put those security stickers on gatefold and other "soft" cases (like the new Metallica). So, if you have access to a shrink-wrap machine, you can rewrap the CD yourself and take it back with no problem.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Yeah it's awful. I defended load and reload to everyone but this is just shite. I thought Riot Act was a step down from a great band's normal standards but it's nothing compared to this.

The trick with hitting things hard and heavy s that you sometimes don't notice when you run out of things to say. The record companies certainly aren't going to sack a bankable act.

Such is the plague of the pop charts.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

Speaking of hitting things hard and heavy, I have a feeling I'm the only one who likes the sound of the drums on St. Anger. Unfortunately, that's about the only thing I've liked the sound of from that album. What in the world happened to Hetfield's vocals? They're pretty well unlistenable... Sad.

Isn't it spelled "Jaymz"?

Update...

I ventured back to the Disc Exchange yesterday to return "St. Anger" and a used CD. I told the guy at the counter that the used CD didn't have the booklet inside (usually they put a sticker on the case/plastic if a booklet is missing, but they missed this one), so that was okay.

Then he saw the "St. Anger" disc...

He laughed and said, "You don't have to tell me WHY you're returning THIS!" Then, the other guy at the counter piped up with, "Whoa, another one of those!" They also mentioned that ALMOST ALL of the "St. Anger" discs they had sold were being returned.

Anyway, I opted for store credit and walked out with Zeppelin's "How The West Was Won."

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

I just now listened to some of St. Anger, then compared it with some old tracks to see if I could say anything worth saying about it. St. Anger seems like a bunch of weird time signatures and atonal filigree, and no balls. That's as far as I got before I began to feel completely ridiculous listening to Metallica.

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What others say about boorite!

Good choice. Definately get the 2-disc DVD set as well if you haven't already, it is absolutely amazing.

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Poop.